Mommy delusions

I called my mommy up tonight on the verge of tears because basically, I am the mother of a two year old. A two year old girl who really believes she is about thirteen years old. I don't get it. We don't spank her, yet she hits me. I cannot get her to eat anything anymore except apples and cereal. The only way I can get her to brush her teeth is if I do it for her while singing her a song. I don't like the way this anger feels. I didn't expect this when I signed on to be a mommy. Isn't there supposed to be joy and laughter and love all the time? By her bedtime I am so frazzled I wonder if she senses it? My saving grace this week has been that hubby has been home on vacation (well, pretty much working more from home, but here). I feel like I just cannot give her what she needs sometimes. She really has alot of energy (as do all two year olds) and I sometimes wonder if I am doing right by her (giving her enough attention, stimulation). Does she feel less loved since her little brother arrived into this world?

I think I just need some sleep.

Peace out.

Hopes for the near and dear future

Ah, Christmas has come and gone and the New Year is closing in fast. My hopes for the upcoming days are these:

That the crazy bitches in the mall and/or supermarket parking lots will no longer almost run me and my kiddies down because they are obviously not capable of driving and talking on the phone at the same time.

That I will get back on track with working out.

That I will stop yelling at my little 2 year old so much and use my "inside voice" more often.

That I will stop taking everything so damn personally and just understand that when hubby says "This could use some more gravy" he is not saying "This food sucks, why can't you cook like my mother, I cannot eat this, the house is a mess, the car smells, why can't you do anything right?" He is really just saying "This could use some more gravy".

Costco for the holidays

Today I had the absentminded idea of "running" into Costco with the kids. It was 10:30am so I figured it would not be so bad. Apparently they must of opened early because it was quite difficult to find a parking spot. As I proceeded to bundle my little joyous duo into the cart I felt a twinge of "maybe this is not a good idea", but chose to ignore it. Into the store we went because I really wanted to get my little girl the cute little set I had seen a week earlier with a play ironing board, broom, dustpan, etc. (No, I am not the strong willed feminist career minded woman, I am the SAHM who happens to love being home and being supported by and with my hubby). Anyhoo they didn't have what I needed (yes Mom I know, I should have let you pick it up for me the other day), my ginormous cart had a broken wheel that steered only to the right, and they had not tissue paper left (not toilet tissue, but gift bag-box tissue paper). So here I am with a box of baby wipes ready to go.

I did stop and look at the pillows and two really nice women told me how they loved the memory foam-contoured pillows that I was looking at. Ya see, hubby and I have both been waking up with terrible neck pain and certainly not feeling refreshed from an evenings snooze so I thought maybe new pillows is what we needed. A new mattress is most definately not in the budget right now. So with two raving reviews I picked up my pillows and headed for the register.

Here I am 10:15pm, ready for a good nights sleep on what feels to me like the world's hardest pillow and I suppose I will stuff my gift bags and boxes with Kirkland brand babywipes. (they are hypoallergenic)

December Days

Christmas shopping, baking treats, (and throwing some out that I messed up), cleaning house, taking care of babes, make dinner, laundry, cleaning up kitchen (I must do this at least 8 times a day!), wrap gifts, phone calls, mail out of town gifts, send cards, remember December birthdays, exercise, try to eat right, scrapbook, read, walk, shower, shave legs (once in a while), I need a haircut, write, dream, spend 5 minutes with hubby, talk to my Mom, visit Pop who just had a triple bypass (very successful and recovering super well), nap, learn to sew, finish gifts that I am making, iron clothes, try to not judge other peoples marriages-or spending habits-or anything thing else that will add clutter to my brain and negative thoughts in my soul.

The list goes on and on and this is just me, a simple stay at home mom.

I give great credit to all of you Moms that work-how do you do it all???

Challenge

When I moved into the house years ago and lived in loving sin with my now hubby, I, of course, took over the damn place with a woman's touch. Some flowers here, some books there. Knicknacks and little statue things that hubby just will never understand. But he was very firm about one thing, the picture in the living room. This photo which belongs on an office wall. It has annoyed me since day one, but pretty much everything else is "my design" (except for the extremely large television set) and the photo. It's colors, not so bad, I am into green. It blends. However, it just makes me feel as if it should be stretched out on a wall behind an executive desk. No, it hangs over our pack n' play. It is manly and not my "thang".

Now, today, as I glanced around the room, wondering what I could do to dress it up a bit, I realized why I do not like this picture. Challenge. That's what it says. Challenge. Something I have never really done for myself. My goals are always meak and easily attainable. This is why the fabric still lays on the couch downstairs where I should be making some curtains for my bedroom. The truth is, I cannot sew. Not really. I know this will be a difficult task because frankly, I will make mistakes and have to tear out seams and be frustrated. So, I choose to avoid it. I don't want to deal with the anger, impatience and utterly stupid and failing feeling that will consume me. I am not up for the Challenge. I always stick to what I know. Digital pics, scrapbooking, baking. I know these things. It's time to start adding to my list. I am bored. I actually see potential for more design in the house and need to learn to sew because a stay at home momma simply doesn't have the big old wallet to finance all the pretty things I want. The Challenge is here. I could simply use the holidays for an excuse. Or the lack of time with my new found fitness regimen. I don't feel well, my head aches, the babes need me. I can always find an excuse. Or I can step up to the Challenge.

Some funny little words heard 'round the house this week :


"Oh Momma, dis awinge is feet and juicy" (This orange is sweet and juicy)

"Momma wack Ant Katy's eye bwow" (Momma wax Aunt Katy's eyebrows)

"Kurt has a fat peeta, Sarah has a nuny" (Kurt has a penis, Sarah has a nuny)

"Santa bwing Sarah a pink otar" (Santa is gonna bring Sarah a pink guitar)
-which by the way, she feels the entire family must have one, Momma will get a "bwown" one, Daddy a "bllack" and JR, he gets a "puwpool". I suppose we shall travel and sing and be merry with our "otars".

"Momma, want more "hot bunz" ceweal" (Momma I would like some more of your Special K cereal, oh yeah, please, by the way)

and my personal favorite:

" I wuv u Mommy!"- no translation needed....

Once again I wandered the isles at the craft store and could just spend such happy times there. The ideas are flowing and I think everyone on my holiday shopping list is going to get a homemade project with......my kids photos on them!! (totally kidding!) No, seriously though, between scrapbooking and other little thingys going on my head I am most definately motivated to get some work done!

I still have a few more things to get, mostly giftcards now. I would really like to be finished by this weekend so I can wrap and bake and not have any "gift shopping" on my mind.



Future Artist:

Future Football Star:

Wanting to be "fair"

I really enjoy the Christmas Season. I LOVE the shopping and taking the time to find the perfect gift. My problem always come with the monetary amount. Most of the time, like with nieces and nephews, I have a $30 limit per person. But let's say I find the perfect sweater for Niece #1 and it's on sale for $20. I then feel as if I have to spend another $10 on Niece #1 to be fair. Or with gift cards. Sometimes they come in an amount such as $25 and $50. Nothing in between. I always just want to be fair. Why can't I just buy the sweater on sale and be happy I saved money and she gets a cute sweater??? Maybe because I am the oldest child of 6. I don't know. I feel like I am being "cheap" if I stick with the less expensive gift.

Anyone else feel this way?

Searching For Traditions

With all the holiday buzz about town, I am coming to see how I as the Mama must "create" the traditions for our new little family. I see people running wild in the toy store, upset because the "it" toy is out of stock. What's the big deal about this toy? I asked myself. Basically, between television commercials and companies not sending enough product to the retailers, the "it" toy is created. We, the public, are told what is cool, what to buy, what our children want. I'm sorry, my children are 2yrs and 7 months, what do they know? They know what I teach them.

What I would like to teach them is how there is more to giving than receiving. That there are people out there that don't have half of the things we have. That the "spirit" of the season can be carried around all year long. But how? How do I do this? What can I do to impart this on our holiday? Don't get me wrong. I am really enjoying the shopping and looking forward to my little cuties faces on Christmas morning, but how do I make it to be more to them than "what I want, what I get?"

Any ideas??

Holiday Photo Shoot

Today, "Casa de G" held it's annual holiday photo shoot. This year was a bit more difficult as there are now two small children to contend with. It was fun and I got at least 1 pic with both cuties looking at the camera at the same time. I got so many good ones of each individually though. I actually had the fleeting thought of sending out 2 separate cards. (Hubby would have loved that!)


Here are some fun pics from todays challenge:

I have been thinking lately about how self conscious I am and how it has really held me back from so much. I don't write as much as I would like for "fear" of what other people would think. As if my friends or family would disown me for my twisted thoughts - then again....
Or even when I was small, I never pushed to do anything, not even the things I felt passionate about. I just kept it inside so nobody would know. Money was an issue for my family, and being the eldest of 6 children I always felt it my responsibility to "step down" to make things easier. I have always felt myself to be an intuitive person and really try to go with it now. Trust my gut, go with my first instinct.

Having children has really changed so much inside me because now I feel it so important that I be that strong passionate person. A good role model. A loving mother. That means the simplest things now. To spend some time scrapbooking. To push myself to sew those stupid curtains I have been putting off forever (of course out of fear that I don't know what I am doing). To stop sabatoging my diet. To allow myself to be me. To not feel guilty when I need a Mommy-Alone-Moment. To not feel like I am failing because there is dust in the house or piles of laundry. To do these things because I cannot teach it if I cannot do it.

How do toddlers think?

My little girl, 2 years old and now looking more "girl" than "baby"


but it really makes me wonder what is going through her mind when I fall upon this sight in her room:




"Sarah, what are they doing?"
"Oh, brova and sita are hanging out"
"ok"

and this one:





"Sarah, what is the family doing on Daddy's chair?"
"They eatin"
"ok"


like, duh Mom!

I wandered through the aisles of the craft store tonight feeling energized. I remembered how much I enjoy scrapbooking. I got so many ideas just looking at those cute little holiday stickers. I usually just keep going and get what I "need". But this time was different. I stuck with a little project in my head and bought what I needed. Now, just to follow through....

The holiday season is officially upon us. I find myself crying, over and over again, to "I'll Be Home for Christmas". I cannot wait until I begin my annual baking - I even have a few new ideas this year for treats!! I am so hoping that Sarah will find interest in "The Grinch Stole Christmas". Most of all though, I want to find a way to teach her "Christmas" as a feeling. A feeling that we, at least I, would like to keep in my heart all year long. People smile more at strangers, they give more donations - whether it be time or money. There is an over all joy in the air. I want my children to not grow up thinking about what they want, but what they can do for others. Santa Claus will visit our home this year, but as my children grow, I certainly want it to be about more than their Christmas lists. The truth is, hubby and I have always had a lifestyle where we have all that we need and a little more. The holidays are always difficult because frankly, there is nothing that we need. If we "want" something, we usually just go out and get it. I really hope that in this materialistic age I can teach my children that difference. Perhaps, as I sit here thinking about it, I can start up some holiday traditions with them more focused on volunteering and helping out those less fortunate.

Honestly, I just hope that I don't get lazy and give in to the craziness and excess of the holiday. I always have these bright ideas that I think are so thoughtful and then, I don't act on them. That is what I need to work on. The truth is, I can "think" all I want, but my kids are going to learn more from my actions than any words I speak to them.

Fat Peeta

Last week I started bringing the baby into the bathtub with Sarah. He is a little wobbly, but I hold him, wash him, and get him out. The first time Sarah didn't notice anything "different". The next time, she noticed. She pointed to his "stuff" and said "nuny", which is what we ended up calling hers. I sat there for a moment wondering if I should just "oh yeah" her or actually go there, and then, what should I call it? I remember growing up with four younger brothers my parents had such a silly name for it and I just didn't want to do that either. So I simply said, "your brother has a penis". Well, for some reason "penis" turned into "fat peeta". She thinks it is the funniest thing, saying it every chance she can get, even though I really tried to make it very matter of fact, ya know, being the responsible parent and all.

Fast forward to this morning: I made Sarah a cute little smiley face on bread with peanut butter, raisins and banana. She took a bite and looked a little confused, as it was different bread than she was used to. She looked up at me and questioned "bread?" I said "yes honey, it's pita bread". Well, she was quite perplexed by the whole thing, checking out the bread, then looking over at her brother. "Kurt (JR) fat peeta??" She wasn't too hungry after that.

Affirmations

I never really practiced affirmations before, but today seemed a good day to try something new. Hubby and I had a small arguement about something stupid. After finishing up what we each felt we had to say, I just repeated in my mind a short, but very positive statement. I kept at it and I began to feel myself smile. Normally after such an arguement I feel the need to keep asking him questions, and bringing up the same silly thing we just had argued about. This was much nicer. I kept thinking it and I was much nicer to my husband, my kids, strangers we met along the way. I felt emotionally lighter and wondered why I hadn't tried this before.

I always find myself speaking very positive to Sarah, always giving her a "thumbs up", always telling her how proud I am when she does something by herself, such as clean up or help her brother with a toy. I stopped to listen to my own little "cheerleader" and realized there wasn't one. The only thing I heard up there in my little head was a tone that I didn't like. No wonder I feel badly so often, no wonder I feel "not good enough" sometimes (ok, most of the time).

So this evening, after a nice, quiet, alone trip to the supermarket, I did some research online about "affirmations". I found this website which breaks it down pretty easy. I think in my younger years, I certainly would have found this quite "corny" and would never have admitted to even entertaining the idea of it all. But now, I am beginning to realize that I can "control" alot more of my life than I used to believe. So, here goes with trying something new, and hopefully forming a new and good habit.

Being different

Someone asked me the other day "why do you blog? why do you put such personal thoughts out there for anyone to read?" It got me thinking about why I do it, and who I like to read. I enjoy reading bloggers such as Dana and marsha_tm . Women who are funny and witty, and that can turn the story of going to Costco or buying a new toddler potty into the coolest story ever. I too, dreamt of being witty and cute, but alas, I find I am not. I tend to be emotional, slightly melodramatic, and wanting to be intuitive. I can be motivational at times. I started writing online because I was lacking something. Home alone all day with 2 babies and I wondered, "does anyone feel this way or that? is this normal?" Normal, I have found, is just a word. A word that means something different to everyone, so now, I have to ask "is this healthy?" I needed to find out what other moms feel and think and do. The truth is, we all do it different and the same. We all look for that normalcy, and yet, still yearn to stand out in the crowd. We all dislike cleaning(well there are some who like it, just not I) and the drudgery of it all. We all want our children to be good people and succeed in life.

I need to learn to embrace what makes me different, just as I would do with my own child. I would tell my daughter not to dress a certain way just because everyone else is doing it. I will tell my son he doesn't have to play a certain sport just because his father says he should if he really doesn't enjoy it. So now, I have to really put myself out there. I really hope that something fun and twisted happens along the way so I can share the laughter that some of you have shared with me. But I'm finding that if I want my children to learn to walk a certain way, I am definately going to have to walk it first. My Sarah loves to dance, because I do and we make the time for it. My son, he likes to eat (ha ha, must also be from me). The goal has always been to raise healthy, smart and individual kids, but now, that goal is for myself too. It's too easy to get lost underneath and behind everything at home.

Thanksgiving

It is that time of year that we sit back, eat alot of everything in sight, and reflect on the things that we are truly thankful for. My hubby, my kidz, my family and in-lawz. My home, my health. My crazy thoughts that allow me to delve deaper into myself and really think things through. My hubby, who taught me to think before buying everything under the sun for the babies. There is truly something to be said about having more of what you need than what you want. My sister, who is so very different from me, and we don't always agree or get along, but her strong will and loyalty teaches me lessons daily. My friends who, although we don't see or speak as often as I would like, are always there in my heart and on the phone when I need them the most. My brother for making me proud of him and his strength (and he didn't even know he did it). My Mom who has a zillion things on her own plate, and yet, she always finds the time to listen to me whine, complain, and vent my frustrations.

On a lighter note: I am thankful for chocolate ice cream, graham crackers and a piping cup of hot coffee. (not all together)

What do I want my children to learn today: That being grateful shouldn't be a yearly event. It should be done daily.

This morning, around 6:45am I looked out the front window to see two teenagers sitting on the curb. Not such a big deal, they were obviously cutting school since all the buses had gone already. It made me a little nervous only because we live on a dead end and no one really ever comes over here, not even for Trick-or-Treating on Halloween. Well, the kids left the area about 1/2 hour later. Ok, so no big deal. I then went out food shopping and when I returned I saw the mess these little hooligans left. A mess of loose leaf papers all over my lawn and wrappers of some sort all over the curb. I was just really aggravated that on top of hauling in my groceries and my babies, that now, I had to clean up someone else's mess. Someone who was too rude to think that maybe their loitering and littering would affect someone else. Where are these kid's parents? I thought to myself. But most of all, I think I was angry because I too was once a teenager. I was the girl who wore baggy clothes so as to not bring attention to myself, I looked a mess (I think I did at least), I did not think of others and I hung out in the woods smoking weed (sorry to my Grandmothers who are reading this since they both think I am so damned near perfect). I am sure that people wondered where my parents were. Why was I out so late? I was angry because I probably made someone else feel badly by the way I spoke, or littered, or just disrespected. Actually, I pretty much did not realize "other people have feelings too" until I had children and saw how much my words, actions, even negative thought patterns affect others. My daughter will ask me for something then let out a big "huff", because, that is what I do. Especially when I am getting aggravated at her. hello! She is 2 years old and I find myself getting aggravated way too often, and mostly because her needs "cut into" mine. Like, I lay down for a nap and that is when she seems to want me the most. Or, I look up to see something interesting on The View and she wants my attention. I need to be more present with her, with everyone. I need to take notice of what bothers me about a situation and figure out why. It always has to do with me, not the situation itself. I need to listen to that little voice inside me, instead of shushing it or ignoring it. That little voice usually tells me "call you friend, send some flowers, be kind". Instead I usually worry and spend endless energy on negative thoughts, gossiping, judging, forgetting that there is a whole world out there outside of my little dead end street. I want my children to see the world, to understand that their actions speak volumes about who they are. I want them to think of others as extensions of themselves. I want to effortlessly feel this way too.

Lessons Learning

I never fully understood the range of emotions that I would encounter in a marriage. One minute I am so in love and the next he annoys me to no end. How is this possible? In the movies it seems so damned near perfect. Is this why the divorce rate is so high in our country? Do so many people just give up during the "get-on-my-nerves-go-away" times? Or do we forget what the word commitment means? I k-n-o-w I am not quite perfect (damn near close though, hehe) and I k-n-o-w I annoy my hubby pretty much all the time, but I sleep well at night knowing that we are in it for the long haul. I wish for all those I love that they too feel that same security in their relationships.

Something else I never really understood was the "having kids" thing. I always wanted "a baby". Boy, was I in for a smackdown of reality. The baby is the easy part. The toddler, on the other hand, is a completely different, individual, screaming little human. I don't know some days if I have the patience for this. I question myself each and every day. Why do I say "no" all the time? Should I be more of a schedule type person? Is my kid gonna be screwed up because of me? Does she watch too much TV? Is she eating too much sugar? (Definately yes to the last one) Am I too strict? Am I not strict enough? Will I ever have the answers? Do I just need some sleep? (I also think that, I too, eat w-a-y too much sugar)

So here's to hoping for a sugar-free, long naptime day on Monday!

Plush

The theme this week being "Plush" this is the plushest I could find in my little digital library. I know, the frightened look on my child's face makes you feel as if the Easter Bunny has just promised to eat her alive. But, it certainly put a smile on my face and a giggle in my throat this evening, so I hope it works for you too.

Could we all agree just not to spend any of our hard earned money and buy OJ Simpson's book? It's bad enough he is walking around a free man, I don't think that we should pay his salary as well.

(I am now stepping off the soapbox .....)

now

Learning to find "me" time is not something I am at all good at. Tonight, in fact, I think I did this without actually planning it. I have been feeling very irritable the past few days, which, I also felt at this point (7 months) after Sarah was born as well. I had chalked it up to the progestrin-only birth control pills I was taking and had stopped taking them. FAST FORWARD 10 months and the Big Man was born. So now, I'm not sure what to do. I'll call the doc if it seems to get worse, but I am hoping by adding some more excercise and maybe deducting some very tasty, but very unhealthy refined carbs will do it. I, of course, would love another baby, but not right now. Hubby on the other hand is very satisfied with our family and is not quite sure about another little one in the house. Well, anyway, in my effort to fix my foul mood, I put on a pot of coffee for some much needed energy and jumped on the treadmill. On purpose I did this first, before any cleaning, ironing, or laundry folding, because I always get sidetracked by these mundane daily deeds and find it so hard to do things "for me". Needless to say it worked, because I am also sitting here on the internet letting you in on my evening.

So, what I have learned today is that the laundry will always be there, jump on the treadmill or paint my toenails NOW! (whatever cools the mood I suppose)

wide open spaces

The sweet smell of baby hair and the pudgy little hands and feet.
The innocent blue eyes and the spirit of a warrior.
The living in the moment and not worrying about tomorrow.
The future is wide open.

Party aftermath

First let me start off by saying YES! There was plenty of chili. Too much in fact that I will somehow turn into a cute little Texan Momma from eating so much chili this week! (portion controlled of course)

Sarah enjoyed her birthday party and all seemed to go well. Anything that didn't go well, (to any family members that might have been witness to it) I don't want to know about it. Sarah's favorite part seemed to be when the family gathered around to sing her "Happy Birthday". She sat there, her face all lit up, in front of her cake, and she glowed from the pride that she knew we were all there for her. She looked at me with a face of joy that I will never forget. She was the purest form of happy I have ever observed in my entire 32 years on this earth, and I hope to always see it in her eyes. Her Daddy had to help her blow out the big old #2 candle and she was so glad to finally be able to eat some cake and ice cream! (of course, when I wasn't looking, my dear Nanny allowed this sweet little child to dig her fingers into my homemade(ok, Betty Crocker mix) creation. I know MY child would have NEVER done such an thing on her own! haha)

When all was said and done, the day was great and as my dear hubby crashed on the couch after everyone left we realized it was only 4:30pm!!! Oh Mah God!!! WE still had exactly 2 and 1 half hours to contend with the little cuties. So, we put on our game faces and did the best we could in our sleep deprived conditions (the babes were awake since 5am that morn). I was so tired last night, that when hubby finally went off to bed around 10, I couldn't get off the couch and slept there another 2 hours before going off to bed myself.

Sarah enjoying her cake

Her favorite gift of the day, her piano

Crazy momma thoughts

Everytime we have a party here at the house I get so stressed the day before with cooking and cleaning and last minute details, and now I have 2 small children to contend with. I don't think that the hubby really gets it sometimes. My mind is usually on complete overload, but, I can quiet down some of the noise in there to maintain a healthy appearance. But a day like today, when I have so much thinking to do, it's just too much. Is there enough chili? Did I buy enough cold cuts? Did I clean the toilets? Can people see the dust-bunnies up there? Make sure the dishwasher is empty, make sure there are enough kitchen towels, Did I buy wine? What types should I get? Is there enough chili? Is this bread ok for everyone? Did I sweep off the front porch? Did the potato salad come out ok? Did I scrape the Play-Doh off the kitchen table, floor, and anywhere else it may have stuck to? IS THERE ENOUGH CHILI??? Really, this is just the beginning. (This is on top of the diapers, nursing, baby food, ,toddler-who-won't eat, and everything else).

Now, as I get ready for bed, I am trying to quiet down those damn voices in my head, but I just keep going over and over and over the same stupid things - YES, I think there may be enough chili.

Why do we stress? Why do I worry that the Mom-In-Law will see the dust-bunnies or the dirty dishes in dishwasher or the laundry in fold-me-purgatory? Why is it so important that I do everything and not let anyone help me? Why do I get annoyed when people try to help me - put dishes away or offer to bring something? WHY WHY WHY? Does it make me less of a woman to take help? Do I look weak? Will they revoke my Happy Housewives Association membership?

What the hell??????

I know that tomorrow, once our family starts to arrive and I smile and greet everyone I love, all of these evil crazy thoughts will be dust in the wind, but for now, as I try to lay my head down on the pillow, they will threaten my sleep and wound my insecurity for the next 7 hours.

Only a 2 yr old

Driving over to Toys-R-Us to let Sarah pick out a bday present, my darling daughter spots the Dunkin Donuts and shouts out "Momma needs coffee".
Yes baby, I do.

Trying to do my 10 minute workout of squats and lunges, my little sweetie says "Momma hot bunz".
Yes baby, they are.

Not wanting to eat her dinner, but certainly thinking like her Mom and wanting dessert, my wonderful baby girl says "Momma, I love you! Cookie now?"
Yes, baby, here ya go!

Flattery will get you anywhere with me.

Happy Birthday Baby Girl

To my little girl,

2 years ago today you came into this world with a strong voice and a stubborn mind

I hope to see those strengths and may you always stick to your beliefs

My wish for you is to follow your dreams and always dream BIG

Listen to your heart and always trust your instincts

You will always be my little girl, but I hope someday to see a strong woman

Someone who will not back down and who will stick up for what she believes is right

I promise to always be there for you, to help you along you along your way

To show you and teach you how great you can and will be

I love you Sarah - Happy Birthday Sweet Baby Girl!!

Change

Our country lies in wait
We have seen a call for change
Now, it is up to the newly elected to make it

We the people have made our voices heard
This is our land
Now, it is in the hands of our new officials

Please mend our country, our hearts, our minds
Please fix this rift in between us, we are all one
Please don't focus on the differences, rep or dem
Please help us to be better than we are right now

As a Mother, Wife, Daughter, Friend
We need for this to happen

Pain in the neck

I have been nursing a serious-bad muscle pain thingy in my neck since Sunday morning, and I have only to blame my children. Yes, my sweet little cutie-pies did this to me. We stopped into the hospital on Saturday to visit my little brother who had his appendix taken out (poor little Seany-Boy). Anyway, the stupid boy at the WRONG INFO desk sent me to the 2nd floor. With one 21 lb 6 month old in one arm and a toddler who walks, "I do it Momma", off we went to the elevator. The 2nd floor was like a world of its own, I was lost, baby screaming, toddler only hopping square to square on the tiled floor, and NO ONE to ask for help. As I headed back to find the elevators (which I couldn't find, I have no sense of direction) I found a man who helped me, told me pediatrics was the 5TH FLOOR, and that I wasn't the only person that this INFO person sent to the incorrect place. He was going to straighten it all out. What a wonderful man. However, now my toddler wants to sit on the floor and the baby is slipping out off my hip. SOOOO.. I lean down to pick my darling daughter up by her arm and flipped my son up a little higher on my hip. Yes, all at the same time.

Needless to say, the pain started Sunday and I have felt useless for 2 days now.
I did go vote today, however, I did wait until hubby came home so I could run out and do it by myself instead of dragging the kids and only making myself feel worse. Especially since I still wasn't sure who to vote for and especially since I really don't like either of the Senate candidates we have running here in NJ. I thought it through and had to take the lesser of two evils. I hate the nasty commercials and everything that goes with campaigning. I hate wondering if I made the right decision. I hate thinking they all seem like crooks to me and it so hard sometimes to come to any decision that leaves me feeling good. Maybe I should run for office. Actually, not such a good idea, in high school I did inhale, and I am quite sure there alot of people who, if paid $10 would attest to that fact.

I will watch the endless news channels tonight for hours upon hours to see who won and where, because, now as a responsible adult (who no longer inhales), parent and citizen, I find myself interested and frightened for the future of this country and my children.

What is it?

It is the time for me to reveal the complete and utter neurotic that is me.

My jaw kinda hurts a little and after poking and prodding at it for an hour I think I feel a lump. Actually, when I roll my head around, just as my chin touches my chest I feel it. Do I have cancer? Will I die today? What will my kids call my husband's new and much younger wife?

My own Mother can vouch for the fact that I can literally turn a pimple into a cancerous and deadly object within 5 minutes. Between the internet and various health books I have here in my sweet little home. I am dangerous. I feel a pain and I must know what organ it is. What could happen to me? Can they take it out? Can I live without it?

My dear sweet hubby had a pain in his chest last week. After doing my "usual"research I had him diagnosed with a hiatal hernea. Where are our wills? Is everything together if something happens to one, or, both of us?

When I was pregnant, it was the worst. I would call my poor Mom at work with questions like : "Mom, if the cord is wrapped around the baby's neck, would I know it?" "Can the baby kick ME too hard and hurt me?" "Can I dilate without pain and the baby fall out of my body as I am cooking dinner?"
Yeah, it's bad.

There is way too much information on the internet for people like me.

Holiday dreams

The holidays are coming up and I am getting psyched for shopping. Actually going out at night, all alone and shopping. I am looking forward to other people's kids screaming and crying at Toys-R-Us (mine, at home). I will be so excited to stand on line in Wal-Mart behind not so well behaved kids and smile because, once again, mine will be home. I will not be in a hurry, and I will live in the moment. I will drink a coffee, maybe stop in the bookstore to yes, browse. All the while my delicious dark roasted treat will still be hot and steamy and delicious. I will try to find a Not-So-Mommy-Outfit and try to look cool. Maybe I'll even take the hubby's truck and leave the minivan at home. OOh, I'm starting to shake, is it true? Can I make this dream a reality?

In all truth, most of my shopping will probably be done online, while JR sits on my lap smacking the keyboard and Sarah screams that she wants to play games on Noggin, but one can only dream.......

No sugar, good day

Today was a good day. Maybe it is the fact that I didn't eat any chocolate myself and maintained a steady blood sugar all day. Maybe it is the fact that my children were perfect and there were no meltdowns. Or maybe, perhaps, it is because I am coming to realize that I just need to relax and live more in the moment.
Cheerios all over the floor in the supermarket - ah, they'll sweep it up (I DID kick them over to the side so a nice old lady wouldn't wipe out).
Toddler won't eat anything except fruit or cereal? So what, she certainly eats healthier than me. Anyway, I am quite sure that within the next 16 or so years she will try maybe one or two new things to eat.
Same toddler splashes so much water around from the bathtub that the bathroom looks like the hull of the Titanic - well I just took a big ole fluffy towel and wiped it all down - no I don't have to clean in there tomorrow!
I am certainly hoping that this zen-like state stays with me for more than 24 hours. Besides, I haven't started having withdrawal symptoms from the lack of chocolate yet, so we shall see.

Hallo-rude-een

I do enjoy Halloween much more now that I have children. I however, do not enjoy some other children during Halloween. I did not enjoy the child (about 11 yrs old) who, knocked on my door, then did not say "Trick or Treat"( which annoys me, why not just say - "Give me candy". THEN proceeded to talk on his cell phone, while I had to try to squirm MY hand into HIS bag to give HIM candy. Hello! Didn't your mother teach you manners? Please, to all moms that give your kids cell phones, please teach them manners, such as "Excuse me, I need to answer this, it is my Mom", or if the child looks down and sees it is a friend and NOT his mother making sure her baby is alright, for this child to ignore the call and let it go to voicemail. I am quite sure if a preteen can handle a cell phone, or Ipod, or whatever, he can handle calling someone back.

Then there was the child who walked up to my door, which was just the screen door since it was such a beautiful day today and just stood there peering in, I looked up from the couch, startled that there was no knock or doorbell, and I said "Yes?" as I walked to the door, he just said "I just want candy". Hello? So being the bitch I am, I made him say "Trick or Treat", then "Thank You". My daughter is 2 years old and she knows to say these things. I remind her all the time of manners and such, and demand that sort of behavior. Not only for me, but for her interaction with the rest of the world. Yes, she is a toddler and is allowed to be that. But, it really gets me upset when so many kids seem to have no manners whatsover!

so sorry for the rant, now onto the cutie pies:

Jr- my little pumpkin

Sarah- mommy's little witch

great day

nice weather

Grandma's house

Trick or Treating

bedtime

aah! I love my life.

Happy Halloween!

Should be doing....

I should be organizing these pictures



or learning how to use this blasted sewing machine
(still no curtains in my bedroom)




or walking on the treadmill





Instead I am taking pictures of my little boy, that someday, when he is the star running back at Notre Dame, will come back to haunt him, embarrass him, and make him say "what the hell Mom?"




But I cannot help myself because he is just too cute!!!

Dora the punky head

Finally carved out the pumpkin last night. Of course, like everything I put off and put off, it didn't take me long at all, and it actually didn't come out too bad. Sarah loves it, so now we have to make sure to light the tealight inside before she goes to bed at night. Speaking of which, she stayed up over an hour late last night because we had dinner at my Mom's and of course had to stay for pumpkin pie. So, after we got her to bed at like 8:30pm, hubby and I thought - ooh, great, maybe she'll sleep late. So we turned back the clocks and hour and went to bed.

At 5:24am this morning, JR started softly crying, and then Sarah started with "Momma, come get Sazzie" (what she calls herself). Hello! Their little bodies still told them it was 6:30 am, even though they stayed up late. Now, everyone is napping and I am trying to get my internet hopping out of the way so I have no excuse to not walk on the treadmill tonight.

What I learned today: Children will always wake up very early, especially when you want to sleep in.

It's raining, it's pouring

Of course when it's windy as all hell and raining out, my sweet little daughter wants to play outside. She doesn't want to take her nap today. Every toy I hand to her little brother gets taken away with a small, but very powerful voice saying "mine". Hello! Ya know the cookies you ate yesterday from off my plate? Mine! The cheese and crackers I made myself for a snack that you grabbed? Mine! Yes, I am a greedy mom. I like my time, my own food, my treadmill time, my internet time. Do I get it, no! I know, it's sounds so horrible to say all this, because truly I don't want to ever think about my life without my children. But it can be so exhausting! And I have it so easy compared to so many people - I would never be able to work and take care of my children, the house. I would never be able to handle twins or more than say, 3 kids. I can't even keep my own cluttery piles of junk cleared out, much less 2 kids rooms, playroom, and living room. Forget my bedroom, I just throw things over the gate in the doorway that we don't want the kids to touch, and then by the time I make it to sleeptime, I just clear a pathway to the bed. I guess I am just not that "perfect mother" that I thought, or hoped I could be.

We'll have dinner tonight at my Mom's, which makes me so happy that I don't have to cook. Or think of what to cook. Or shop for what to cook. So then, what the hell am I bitching about today?

There's always something.

Like the neverending pile of dirty laundry..
The dishwasher that always needs to be emptied when I need to fill it..
The pile of magazines that I have yet to read..
The cleaning supplies in the bathroom, waiting to be used..
The remaining thank-you cards that I need to finish writing from JR's Christening (was in Sept)..
The summer clothes that need to be put away..
The outgrown baby clothes that need to be put away..
And the list goes on.......

Hello again

I cannot believe it is Thursday already and I have not written anything this week! My motivation for anything has been in the toilet and it begs to ask the question "what did I do all week?".

Well, Sarah played with Play-Do for the first time, and it was awesome! An entire hour she played and molded and mushed. She watched me keenly with those little blue eyes and mimicked every roll and smush that I made - it was way cool! I do have to buy more now, since the stuff we have is now all smushed together into a very interesting little swirly pattern of colors.

My little JR has been teething and now has 4 teeth. Today he seems to be out of sorts and has been nursing every hour! Hello - my nips feel like someone has scrubbed them with a brillo pad and I am tired -but I did walk the treadmill, so hurray for me! My little man also had his 6-month well visit on Tuesday and he is weighing in at whopping 21 lbs 8 oz.


**Thank you to the wonderful man who came up to me at Barnes & Noble the other day and gave me the balance left on his gift card. It was such a nice thing to do and the $7.92 was enough to buy one more book for the kids. (I am not sure whether I looked so bad that he felt I "needed" the money or he thought I was a single mom because my wedding ring still doesn't fit) But he had helped me with the door when I arrived, and then he came looking for me in the children's section after he had paid for his items. He handed me the gift card and said to buy something for the kids. I thank him and promise to pay it forward.


coming soon - potty training ( I do not even know where to begin)

This evening I am wiped out!
After -

• dancing with Sarah (someone has to show her who U2 is)
• making dinner
• cleaning up dinner (dishes, sweep up, clean high chair)
• bathing Sarah
• waking JR to nurse him and put him back to bed
• reading to Sarah and putting her to bed
• cutting hubby's hair
• vacuuming hair off the floor
• finally taking a shower of my very own (ah, Calgon take me away, far away)

this was all between 4:30pm and 7:15 pm, so yeah I am tired. I wanted to do so many things today - make new curtains for my bedroom, organize my photos (so when I am scrapbooking it is a little easier to find stuff), run to Target for a few things (alone). But none of it ever happened. I feel like life is sometimes like a merry-go-round that you can't get off and you just keep getting stuck doing the same things - I must wipe down the high chair 12 times a day between Sarah's meals and snacks, and now JR gets a little food now. I can't get away from the normal daily mundane routine stuff to do extra stuff, and yet, the daily stuff is what keeps the house going.

How do those perfect little happy housewives with their perfect little happy husbands and perfect little happy kids get it all in there? How do you clean the house, take care of the kids, actually shower and blow dry your hair (within the same 1 hour time-frame), make meals, socialize, feed your head, make time for your marriage and other close relationships, shop, and anything else that needs to be done, all in 1 day? I am starting to feel like I am always one step behind. I watch my diet and try to find some time to walk or exercise, and then something else is going to lag. I drill away endless time on the internet or my blog, and I feel guilty about what I could be doing more "productive".

Oh and now I have to find some time for Christmas shopping ??? Hello internet!! Bring on the shipping charges!!

punky pickin

Today was pumpkin picking day, or as Sarah called it "punky pickin". It was a cool day and the farm was crowded. We tried to walk through the little petting zoo area and I kept stopping to show the animals to Sarah, but like a bird freed from it's cage, she just wanted to run. Up and down the isles. Along the fence. Through the mud tracks left by the tractor pulling the hayride. Run Run Run. Hubby pushed JR in the stroller so he certainly had the easy job. As I went to turn another corner to catch up with Sarah, hubby pointed the other direction towards more animals. I quickly advised him that nap time had been missed, we needed to think about lunch and get this child a "punky", NOW. We headed off towards the pumpkin patch and I quickly found a nice fat round one. We took a couple pics, paid for our large veggie and we were off.





So now, as I try to conjure up some extra creativity, I am looking for a new direction in which to take my jack-o-lantern adventure. I definately found way too much info on the internet, and if I could, I would just carve out Dora the Explorer. But I have neither the patience or time for such an intricate little dissection. So I am off to figure out what we'll do with the "punky".....

On the move

My little man is on the move. I place my sweet baby boy of 6 months down for 2 minutes and he makes it clear across the living room by rolling over, while also including a new move I like to call "The Inchworm". He sticks his cute little coolie up in the air and pushes with his feet and off he goes! He has started food (I guess if you can call rice cereal mixed with hot water food), but the little booger enjoys it. He grabs at the spoon, he loves holding a sippy cup, and yet, he never took to a bottle. This boy loves to eat. He sees his sister eating and now he reaches for everything she puts to her mouth. I had to explain to her that sharing is not good in this instance. Way to confuse a kid!




Sarah loves her art time and we find even a moment to do something artsy-fartsy every day. Today we did some Halloween decorations. By noontime she was sick of them and tore them to shreds.



As far as food goes, she does not like anything and her diet consists of apples and Cheerios. I can sometimes get her to eat a yogurt if I bribe her with some raisins. I am quite sure that her little brother will outgrow her within a matter a days.

Momma side note: I am feeling quite housebound today as it rained and the wind was a little too strong for my babies later in the day, so I am severely looking forward to "punky" picking and the petting zoo tomorrow.

Momma's Dance Club

I finally got to listen to my new Justin Timberlake cd this week. I picked it up at Target about 2-3 weeks ago. Anyway, I have been trying to turn off the TV more often because Sarah is getting a little obsessive that it be on all the time. So I popped in the cd (no glass of wine) and we danced around the living room together. Even the little man got into it from his Exersaucer. My little girl is quite the dancer, and I have found a new little way to sneak in some exercise.

It used to be (before kids) that when I bought a new cd, I would pour a glass, (or two, or three), or wine and blast the music while, (at 1o pm), I was just getting ready to go out. Now, I am in bed by 10 pm.

One fine day

The morning was a little hairy as JR is teething and never wants to be put down. The fact that he weighs about 22-23 lbs now is not so good for my back, but anything to keep my baby happy. After Sarah ate some lunch I put her down for her nap around 11:45am. She fought me about it, as she does all the time now. I let her play in her crib, and after about 35 minutes I went in to get her. I figured if she wasn't asleep by now, I might as well let her come out. So, I opened up her door, mind you, I am still holding the big baby boy, and I saw her sitting on her pillow. As I looked closer I noticed her diaper was off and there was a poop on the middle of the mattress. Now my first thought was - Should I take a picture of this for my husband, or my blog, or anyone that wants to listen to my insanely silly baby stories, and then I thought - duh! no wonder why she didn't take a nap, I certainly wouldn't take a nap with a big ole turd staring me in the face. She just looked up at me and said "Momma, I pooped". Yes dear, you did. So I asked her not to touch Mommy with her hands until we were all cleaned up. At the same time, I had to put down big man for a little while, so my back and arms were happy.

After cleaning my little sweety pie up and changing the sheets and washing every stuffed toy and pillow that was in the vicinity, I realized that no nap meant Helltime later. It actually didn't turn out too bad. I ended up taking a walk down at the boardwalk with the kids Aunt LaLa and before I knew it, Sarah was asleep in the stroller. I cannot tell you the last time that happened.

After dinner tonight we did Art Time, so I let her do fingerpainting. I figured, she could have made a real mess with the poop earlier, and she really didn't, so what the heck. While my darling daughter was finishing up her masterpiece I filled up the bathtub so I could throw her right in. As I picked her up and took off her favorite smock (my old t-shirt) she looked up at me with those beautiful big blue eyes and said "I know, DON"T touch Momma". Right on girlfriend!

(By the way, I did not take a picture of the poop) Yay for me.

Do I want more children?

Having two children is great. It is difficult with them at the ages they are, 23 months and 6 months, but I do love it. I love that I get to be home with them all the time and I love that we have a large family to share all the holidays and such with. I find myself wondering lately though, why I am so deadset on having a third child?

I keep thinking about how impatient and aggravated I get with Sarah lately. I keep thinking about how I yearn to find my own passion in this life. I find myself feeling irritated at times when I cannot even stop at WaWa for a cup of coffee because I do not want to leave my kids in the car, nor do I want to drag two babies in for a 2 minute stop. I miss my "free time" even though I am quite sure I wasted so much of it away. I miss vacations with my husband and late nights at the bar with friends. I miss getting up to go to work, getting dressed up and knowing I looked good, or that someone else noticed I looked good. I miss working because, no matter what job I had, I always worked hard and it was always appreciated and I was always told so.

I think about my life and how very lucky I have been with everything and I just really wonder, why do I feel so strongly that I want another child? I guess it's because nothing has ever filled my life as much as my children. Nothing has ever made me feel like I am where and who I need to be at this moment, as I do right now. I push myself to play in the sandbox and fingerpaint and do all the things I wouldn't be doing without them. I find that I am enjoying my "child within", maybe more than I did as a child - without the angst and fear that I had. I have never trusted my gut or instincts until now, and I see that I am very intuitive and can find the answers, most of them, right here inside me. Being a mother has opened up a part of me that I hid away. Now, it sure sounds great all typed out, but the truth is, it is also not as glamorous as I had imagined - wearing sweatpants and no make-up all day, being spit-up on and actually picking nose boogies with my bare fingers, really, I never thought it possible. But, I do see the importance of it all - no, not the nose boogies, but the raising of my children, the future, all that.

Making Strides and Tantrums

Today was the Making Strides for Breast Cancer walk and it was a beautiful day. The sun was strong and the air was cool down at the Jersey Shore. My Mom and I walked, pushing along the stroller with the 2 kids. I am a very emotional person and I certainly got all choked up when the speakers get up beforehand and tell their stories, but these women are so inspirational. To hear their strength during the darkest time of their lives really makes you think.

Thank you again to all my friends and family that donated.

Before the walk began

After the walk

Sarah had a bit of a tantrum from wanting to walk by herself and being tired. She screamed so loud and so long and I sware that I have never seen her like that before. She was not a happy camper, especially when I pulled out the camera ( ya know, I am one of those people that gets so worked up when watching "funny home videos" or whatever on TV when you see the child screaming or whatever and the parent is just sitting there taping it and laughing at them) Yeah, so I guess that parent is now officially me. It's not that I didn't want to comfort my child, she was truly inconsolable. By the time we made it back to the car, no one was happy, not Momma and definately not her.

My little fat pumpkin was fine once the walk began and I had to hold him for a while. Yes, I carried the big man (all 22 lbs of him) while walking amongst thousands of people, at least until he fell asleep. He slept the remaining time we walked, through the tantrum and passing the bagpipers too!

Once we got back to the car it was difficult to leave the area since so many other people were still walking. So we drove in a few circles and then I decided to pull over into a vacant spot and nurse him. (well, he actually is the one that made that decision with his whining) I picked him up and carried him back into the front seat with me when I felt a little wetness. It seems he had pooped through his diaper and onesie and I retrieved him just in time. So I walked back around the car and started changing him on the floor of my oh-so-cool minivan. Well, it was like an operation room gone bad. Poop everywhere, me screaming - I need another wipie-STAT! Of course I had no change of clothes for him, because frankly, I always have one and today I just needed the extra space in the diaper bag. My poor Mom is probably hating me right now between the snapping at her in the car when we were trying to find a way out of town and the Poop-Change-From-Hell.

What I learned today: Always bring a change of clothes for babies, no matter where you go - Also lots of baby wipes

Motivational Day Tomorrow

I am heading off to bed earlier than usual tonight because my awesome Mom and I are participating in the Making Strides Against Breast Cancer walk in Point Pleasant Beach. It is an American Cancer Society event that was was started in 1993. Last year alone, across the United States $34 million dollars was raised for breast cancer research. My sister-in-law is a breast cancer survivior and now, my Mom's cousin is being treated for breast cancer. So, this cause hits very close to home for me.

We will be bringing the kiddies and the camera and I will post some pics and info when I get home, all revved up and feeling good and ready to save the world.

I'm thinking breasts is a good a place as any to start........

(I tried to get hubby to come, I told him that all the women - how many thousands of us - would be walking topless..... he didn't buy it.)

My children's future

What am I doing to ready my children for their future? What type of people will they be? Today, it seems that you turn on the news and it is filled with celebrity gossip and biased political rantings. I don't want to think that my daughter will introduce herself at a job interview as a Democrat or Republican. I don't think that it is anymore important whether her shoes come from Nordie's or Payless. How will my son fare while playing high school sports when it is so clear that even township politics affects school board decisions?
Our country is so divided by politics, race and religion. Why do I see more on the news about an actor's drunken statements than the rebuilding on the Gulf Coast? Why are people so shocked by said statements? I hear the same things in conversations all the time - in a local restaurant, on the sidelines of a children's football game? We seem to judge others and divide ourselves. Even the deeply religious people I know judge others, by sexual orientation, or racial background. My God does not segregate.
Do we not all live on the same planet? Are we not all human beings?
I think that we need to put down our cell phones and turn off the entertainment channels a little more often and pay more attention to what is going on in our homes, cities, and our nation. I am afraid for what will come for the next generation. I am afraid that more and more people will continue to dislike election times because of the scathing campaign commercials and the distrust of our policiticians. "Public service" right? I guess we need to make it "self service" to make something good happen.

It appears that no matter how many toys you have, the tag is the best thing to play with:


Two kids teething and the only one feeling the pain seems to be Mommy. JR just chews away on anything he can get his pudgy little fingers on and will only cry when a) Mommy puts him down so she can pee or b) Mommy leaves the room to pee or do anything housewife-like. Then there's Sarah, she is the "Terribly Two Teething Toddler" and although she also seems to feel no pain, she chokes on her drool, which by the way, makes her vomit up entire meals, then so cutely, she asks for a brownie. But please Mommy. Yeah, like I will give her a brownie on an empty stomach. Ok, yeah, I will. Then, due to the "drool problem" she has a nasty poop and diaper rash. Hello ? I clean butts and wipe boogers for a living. I cannot wait until I find the opportunity to put that on my resume.

Dinner tonight was themed "Make Your Very Own Egg Night", and my husband, I love him so much, but, left me to clean up the mess. The whole point to a "Make Your Own" anything is so that I can get a break. He will just have to make me my ice cream sundae tonight while watching Grey's Anatomy. Nevermind, I will end up cleaning it up in the morning anyway. Besides, my ice cream has become my silent partner, my drug of choice, my think-about-it-all-day-can't-wait-til-the-damn-kids-go-to-bed-treat. Nobody, I mean, nobody touches my ice cream.

That is why I started yet another blog , one to chronicle my sick and twisted journey to find moderation and satisfaction with my God-given body (with a few tweaks here and there). Nutritionally sound and not too active is all I am looking for here.

I cannot believe that my little girl is going to be 2 years old next month. It is so crazy to think that within the past 3 years I have gotten married and had 2 children! Actually, to really think about it, my entire married life I have been pregnant or nursing (fun fun fun). Anyway, she is so smart and so cool and she has made me realize that there really is more to life than me-me-me!!!
She sings (the wrong words, but still, it's cute) I peaked in on her yesterday in her room singing and I heard "suuunny day, chase da clowwn awaaay" It was so cute!
She says "No" and means it, unlike her Mommy who can back down too quickly so as to avoid an arguement. But, I did watch Oprah recently and I do not want to be one of those pushover-spoil-my-kids-rotten-moms whose kids never move out, nor do they ever respect anyone or anything. Soooo, I have been doing the time out thing lately and it seems to work well with her.
She loves her new "bwown shoos", and if it were up to her, she would wear them to bed and in the bathtub.
She loves her little "boodgie man", her nickname for her little brother, that we have all picked up on calling him lately.
She can pick up on the theme song for Dora the Explorer, Diego, or Sesame Street, and if you are flipping channels she will scream at you to stop on her show, even from the other side of the house.
She remembers who bought her what article of clothing, and will remind me everyday when she gets dressed who it came from (usually my Mom or sister).
She must sit in her own seat at night when I read her bedtime stories, no longer on my lap. This makes me sad, but I know it is just her and her independance, so I'll go with the flow - for now.
She learns something new everyday, as do I.

Lately all you see on magazines and the news is this big controversy how actresses and models are "too thin". It certainly seems to be much worse than years before, and I could not imagine being a young teen at this time. I was talking with a friend today and I said that the days I feel the best about myself are the days that I don't turn on the television or read a magazine. We are bombarded with images and headlines that tell us we are not good enough. I saw an interview on a talk show recently where actress Jamie Lee Curtis was discussing her new book and she was so on point about the whole act of living life fully and not making it about the destination, but the journey itself.
I know the whole thing seems so "too deep" to be thinking about with so many fun things I could be doing right now, with both kids in bed sleeping and the house to myself, but I cannot help wondering :How am I going to teach my children, especially my daughter, to trust and honor herself, her body, her intuition? To not compare herself to others and try to mold herself into an unhealthy image? To see that what makes her different from others are her blessings not something to be put aside? How can I teach her all of this when I do not even see it in myself?

Really, I sware it's the last time (for 2 weeks)

Ok, so tonight I will enjoy my ice cream and then I promise not to indulge for at least two weeks. I guess it's really not that healthy or conducive to a healthy weight loss regime to eat such ice cream 2,3, ok 5 times a week. It's a really bad and expensive habit that is running my husband and I about $10 a pop, so I suppose at this point it would be cheaper to start to smoking again?? (It would certainly help with the weight loss) Ok, disgusting! I cannot believe I actually really considered that as a plausible option.

Mommy needs a time out

I am a potty mouth. Not a full-fledged F word slinger, just the shit and yelling out for old JC once in a while. Not such a good habit for me, but now, definately not for my daughter. Yes, Sarah, sweet little 22 month old Sarah drops things and yells out "SHIT". The phone rings and I miss the call and she yells out "SHIT". In fact the phone just rings and she says it. One time, very recently, we were in the grocery store and an elderly woman dropped a box of rice on the floor and my little angel said it. I have tried to now change it to "Shoot" or even "Gravy" or some other nice word, but she is far to smart for anything I have to offer in the "change of direction" department.



ps- ok, yeah, I do use the F word too, but only if vitally necessary

100 Things About Me

In many of the blogs that I have run across the writer has taken the time to list a "100 things about me" type of "get to know me" entry. I'm tired right now, but I'll try...

100 Things About Me

1. I have green eyes
2. I llike my eyes
3. I am still adolescently insecure
4. But, I am working on that
5. I fell in love with my husband the first time I saw him
6. He does not believe that
7. I am still looking for my passion in life
8. I will never stop looking
9. I am messy in a piles of stuff cluttery way
10. This bothers my husband
11. I love chocolate
12. I love peanut butter
13. I love chocolate with peanut butter
14. I can and have eaten an entire box of Entemanns Apple Puffs in a 12 hour time period
15. I was not pregnant every time this has happened
16. I get very nervous on airplanes
17. I need to take a pill to take an airplane anywhere
18. I do not know how to swim
19. I have to hold my nose when jumping into the water
20. I like the TV show Grey's Anatomy
21. I hate reruns of anything
22. I like Oprah
23. I hate reruns of Oprah
24. I love to sing
25. I am not that good
26. I love to dance
27. I am really not that good
28. I drive a minivan
29. I swore I would never do that
30. I love my minivan
31. I cannot ice skate
32. I like to watch people ice skate
33. I cannot ski
34. I do not like to watch people ski
35. I do not really like the snow
36. Unless I am inside with a warm, cozy fire and cup of hot chocolate
37. When my husband proposed to me, I said " Are you sure?"
38. I still wonder if he was sure sometimes
39. I would like to go to the Oprah show someday
40. I have 1 sister and 4 brothers
41. 1 of my brothers is married
42. I like my sister-in -law
43. My husband's family is pretty cool too
44. My Mom is my best friend
45. My daughter has the same name as my parent's dog
46. I did not name her after the dog, I just like the name
47. My favorite season is autumn
48. I like the different colored leaves, but only on the trees
49. I do not like to rake the leaves
50. I don't do the lawn
51. I always kill the outside potted flowers and plants
52. I don't know why
53. I have my Beautician's license
54. I really don't enjoy doing people's hair
55. I never really felt like I fit in anywhere
56. My husband thinks I am weird
57. I think that is funny
58. I think he is weird
59. I would like to go to college someday
60. I am allergic to soy
61. I am allergic to dust, mold and any sort of pollen and grass that grows outdoors
62. Allergies suck...
63. I like yoga
64. I don't do yoga as much I would like to
65. I am thinking about chocolate ice cream right now
66. I just walked 4 miles
67. I love grilled cheese with tomato soup
68. I will not eat mussells, clams or anything slimey looking
69. I am a procrastinator
70. I took down the curtains in my bedroom 2 years ago to make new ones
71. I still have not made curtains for my bedroom, nor did I put back the old ones
72. I'll finish this list later.................

Where did patience go?

Patience, patience, where art thou?

I find myself a ball of nerves and biting my nails at the end of the day.

I put the wrong juice in the sippy cup ( heaven forbid, Tantrum # 1). I placed the wrong cereal in the snack bowl (Tantrum # 2).

"Sarah, put the binky back in your brother's mouth"
"Sarah get your hand out of the toilet"
"Sarah, drink your juice don't shake the cup all over the couch to see how many drops you can drip out"
"Sarah eat your lunch"
"Sarah eat something"
"Anything....."
"Ok, have some cookies"

Ok, so by 2pm I am ready to
a) nap
b) drink a case of beer
c) run away
d) all of the above

If you guessed "d" you get the Grand Prize, One All Inclusive Day with MY KIDZ !
(no just kidding)

This evening however, after everyone was fast asleep, Momma slipped off to grab a cup of coffee and to do the food shopping ALL BY MYSELF! Ah, heaven. As I floated through the grocery store I only purchased the items on my list and never did I once crave Devil Dogs or ice cream or any other stress reducing product. I think that I will make this my own little Sunday nite ritual.
I used to get all dolled up, cute little purse and shoes all ready for a nite on the town. Now, I proudly don my sneakers and chapstick, coupons in hand, ready for a blissful evening of adult thoughts, or no thoughts at all.
Fresh produce - here I come....

To begin with, today is Elephant Appreciation Day . Yes, today we celebrate the big and the grey.


Tonight, Oma comes over and watches the kiddies so that DH and I can actually go on a date. A real date with dinner and an alcoholic beverage(perhaps many). I promise not to imbibe too much in case Big Baby Boy is still awake when I get home and have to nurse him. But I am really excited: what will I wear? (not much that fits right now), what car will we take? (the minivan, or if I am lucky DH's truck!) where will we go? (my sister in law- LaLa) said they didn't care where, as they go out all the time, and I, well, never get out unless it is has a drive-thru.


As for the Grey's Anatomy season premier last night, I am pretty happy with it.
I don't want to ruin it for anyone who TiVo'd it so here is my interpretation:

Missing panties
dead fiance
the plague
love confession
found panties
teenage pregnancy
FINALLY! GET UP OFF THE BATHROOM FLOOR!

Ok, September and I have already killed the mums. I don't know what it is with me and plants outside. If I pot it, it will die.




Took the babes over to the town reservoir today, beautiful day, calm wind, warm sun. Toddler tantrum about 1/2 way around. She was tired and I know I should have went just a tad bit earlier so as not to cut into her naptime. Well, jot that down as the lesson for today.
(I hope that these kids learn 1/2 as much from me as I do from them!)

On a side note, Jim McGreevey (our former NJ Governor) was on The View today speaking about his new book. People are so critical of him. I wish that people would just look at him as another human being who made mistakes and get on with their lives. The guy tried to live his life in a way that was not true to who he really was. Of course in the end it didn't work out for him and of course other people were hurt along the way. The way he gets questioned you would think he killed someone or something. I think Rosie O'Donnell was so on point when she came to his defense and reworded some statements to help people understand what he was saying. He was a gay man who tried to deny his own truth. I couldn't imagine if something that was a huge part of who I am at the core was condemned by the church, the people around me, my family, as "wrong". She also noted to him that he speaks like a politician and that could be why his point didn't seem clear at times. So true, most people (like myself might) tend to shut down and not want to listen, or feel, like I do, that "political speak" is condescending and arrogant.
I guess for me, my belief is that being gay is part of a person just like the color of their hair or eyes. I understand that is not everyone's view, and to me that is very sad.
Why can't we look to other people as "other human beings", not judge them, or separate them into groups (even if just in our heads). If a person is a good person, and is not hurting anyone, and is living their life in a way that is suitable to them, who has the right to judge them?

Wouldn't life be so much nicer if we all looked to others as an extension of ourselves?
I guess that would start with me...........

Things I learned today:

• Don't let 22 month old daughter walk around the house with a banana
• Don't expect same daughter to stay seated when you place her in the cart part of a shopping cart
• Don't run outside to play with the soccer ball right before you know it's going to rain and then think your toddler will joyfully go back inside the house
• 3 handfuls of goldfish (cheddar or pretzels) can be considered lunch (for Mom too)
• A 20 lb 5 month old baby will be ok if his sister constantly lays on top of him when she kisses him
• Don't place same 5 month old teething baby on his belly right after nursing
• Due to the last one, I have found that excess saliva and breastmilk spitup can be messier than I have thought possible
• ALWAYS KISS THEM AND HUG THEM AND TELL THEM YOU LOVE THEM!!
• Can always try to do the last with one with hubby if not to cranky..........(him or I)
• I still, in all my insanity, cannot wait to start my day with them tomorrow ! !

I was cleaning out my nightstand the other day and found some old journals. Most were all started but never completed and it really bothered me that most all entries rang of the same subject. I will start a diet tomorrow... I will start to workout tomorrow..... I will write my book tomorrow...I will (fill in the blank) tomorrow...

I was actually sad just sitting there realizing how much time I have spent in the past 10 years not being happy with myself, and yet, not doing anything about it. So, I just need to sit and think about what it is that I want to do and for what reasons. In thinking about it some more I realize that this underlying theme of "not good enough" shows up alot. Gonna have to get rid of that today.

To my little boy:

Always open the door for a lady
Treat her like an equal
Look for someone who challenges you (in a good way)
Marry your best friend (I did)
Look out for your sister (even though she is older than you)
Don't be afraid to voice your opinion, especially when yours is different
Be creative
Follow your heart

and

Don't forget to call your Mother
I love you JR!

As I was speaking on the phone to a very good friend of mine recently, I realized that I am not such a great listener. I spent much of the conversation thinking of what I wanted to say next and interrupting her ( sorry D ). Anyway, I wonder how often I do this? It has to be fairly often and with most people I come into contact with. Such a bad habit.

Note to Self: Be a better listener

First let me start off saying that I had to physically pry myself away from the tv to get this done tonight. I started watching 28 Days ( with Sandra Bullock ), and even though I have seen it 20 times before, I had to watch it again. Anyway, I started watching it while I was nursing Baby Boy and then he was asleep in bed and I was still watching the movie. I get so sidetracked at night when the kids are in bed. Hello? All day long I think about exercising or motivating myself to write more or to run to Kohl's to get the baby pj's (4 months old and he is already in sz 12 months). I have so many things that I could do for me, and yet, I will end up on the couch eating a pint of ice cream, feeling like a bloated cow, going to bed, and then waking up at 5:30 am still feeling like a bloated cow.

Motivating myself right now is not my strong suit and the chocolate cake I made earlier today is calling my name. So I will now head upstairs and answer the call, along with a big glass of milk and maybe think about what I won't eat tomorrow.

(Nanny holding JR in 06/06)

I think that I don't spend enough time being thankful for the people in my life. So many people that mean so much and probably don't even know how they have impacted my life.

Today I will start with my Grandmother, Nanny Adams.

She is thoughtful and kind and never really has anything bad to say about anyone. However, if something doesn't seem "right" to her, she will say it in such a sweet way, you wouldn't notice anything negative about her words. I am lucky to have her pray for me. I am lucky to have her goodness to look up to as an example. Nanny sends me copies of articles that she thinks would interest me. She sends me emails all the time just to tell me she is thinking of me and the kids. She is my biggest fan. She recently sent my 22 month old daughter a picture of her statue of the Blessed Virgin Mary ( of whom my Sarah is obsessed, that fact we all think is a little weird, but there are crazier things for a toddler to obsess about ). The photo of the BVM is right there in her room next to Dora for us to kiss each night at bedtime.
Thank you Nanny for being you and for always being there for me.
I Love You...

(I can't leave out Big Baby Boy today, so here is my little fat drooly man)

Yesterday as I was sparking up the grill for dinner, I noticed my darling daughter playing with her baby doll and bottle. Since we had packed her own bottles away the other day and sent them off, she seems to spend a little more time making sure her baby gets fed. Anyway, I was watching her walk back and forth on the back deck and then finally realized what she was doing. (My husband had left the kegerator out back from the Christening party we had last weekend.) She was walking up to it, holding up her dear little bottle in her dear little hand and saying "More please". Hello?? More please? I found it hysterical, especially since she did it nearly 30 times, walking back to the doll, across the deck and feeding her, then coming back for more. Her father was very proud.