The holiday season is officially upon us. I find myself crying, over and over again, to "I'll Be Home for Christmas". I cannot wait until I begin my annual baking - I even have a few new ideas this year for treats!! I am so hoping that Sarah will find interest in "The Grinch Stole Christmas". Most of all though, I want to find a way to teach her "Christmas" as a feeling. A feeling that we, at least I, would like to keep in my heart all year long. People smile more at strangers, they give more donations - whether it be time or money. There is an over all joy in the air. I want my children to not grow up thinking about what they want, but what they can do for others. Santa Claus will visit our home this year, but as my children grow, I certainly want it to be about more than their Christmas lists. The truth is, hubby and I have always had a lifestyle where we have all that we need and a little more. The holidays are always difficult because frankly, there is nothing that we need. If we "want" something, we usually just go out and get it. I really hope that in this materialistic age I can teach my children that difference. Perhaps, as I sit here thinking about it, I can start up some holiday traditions with them more focused on volunteering and helping out those less fortunate.

Honestly, I just hope that I don't get lazy and give in to the craziness and excess of the holiday. I always have these bright ideas that I think are so thoughtful and then, I don't act on them. That is what I need to work on. The truth is, I can "think" all I want, but my kids are going to learn more from my actions than any words I speak to them.

Fat Peeta

Last week I started bringing the baby into the bathtub with Sarah. He is a little wobbly, but I hold him, wash him, and get him out. The first time Sarah didn't notice anything "different". The next time, she noticed. She pointed to his "stuff" and said "nuny", which is what we ended up calling hers. I sat there for a moment wondering if I should just "oh yeah" her or actually go there, and then, what should I call it? I remember growing up with four younger brothers my parents had such a silly name for it and I just didn't want to do that either. So I simply said, "your brother has a penis". Well, for some reason "penis" turned into "fat peeta". She thinks it is the funniest thing, saying it every chance she can get, even though I really tried to make it very matter of fact, ya know, being the responsible parent and all.

Fast forward to this morning: I made Sarah a cute little smiley face on bread with peanut butter, raisins and banana. She took a bite and looked a little confused, as it was different bread than she was used to. She looked up at me and questioned "bread?" I said "yes honey, it's pita bread". Well, she was quite perplexed by the whole thing, checking out the bread, then looking over at her brother. "Kurt (JR) fat peeta??" She wasn't too hungry after that.

Affirmations

I never really practiced affirmations before, but today seemed a good day to try something new. Hubby and I had a small arguement about something stupid. After finishing up what we each felt we had to say, I just repeated in my mind a short, but very positive statement. I kept at it and I began to feel myself smile. Normally after such an arguement I feel the need to keep asking him questions, and bringing up the same silly thing we just had argued about. This was much nicer. I kept thinking it and I was much nicer to my husband, my kids, strangers we met along the way. I felt emotionally lighter and wondered why I hadn't tried this before.

I always find myself speaking very positive to Sarah, always giving her a "thumbs up", always telling her how proud I am when she does something by herself, such as clean up or help her brother with a toy. I stopped to listen to my own little "cheerleader" and realized there wasn't one. The only thing I heard up there in my little head was a tone that I didn't like. No wonder I feel badly so often, no wonder I feel "not good enough" sometimes (ok, most of the time).

So this evening, after a nice, quiet, alone trip to the supermarket, I did some research online about "affirmations". I found this website which breaks it down pretty easy. I think in my younger years, I certainly would have found this quite "corny" and would never have admitted to even entertaining the idea of it all. But now, I am beginning to realize that I can "control" alot more of my life than I used to believe. So, here goes with trying something new, and hopefully forming a new and good habit.

Being different

Someone asked me the other day "why do you blog? why do you put such personal thoughts out there for anyone to read?" It got me thinking about why I do it, and who I like to read. I enjoy reading bloggers such as Dana and marsha_tm . Women who are funny and witty, and that can turn the story of going to Costco or buying a new toddler potty into the coolest story ever. I too, dreamt of being witty and cute, but alas, I find I am not. I tend to be emotional, slightly melodramatic, and wanting to be intuitive. I can be motivational at times. I started writing online because I was lacking something. Home alone all day with 2 babies and I wondered, "does anyone feel this way or that? is this normal?" Normal, I have found, is just a word. A word that means something different to everyone, so now, I have to ask "is this healthy?" I needed to find out what other moms feel and think and do. The truth is, we all do it different and the same. We all look for that normalcy, and yet, still yearn to stand out in the crowd. We all dislike cleaning(well there are some who like it, just not I) and the drudgery of it all. We all want our children to be good people and succeed in life.

I need to learn to embrace what makes me different, just as I would do with my own child. I would tell my daughter not to dress a certain way just because everyone else is doing it. I will tell my son he doesn't have to play a certain sport just because his father says he should if he really doesn't enjoy it. So now, I have to really put myself out there. I really hope that something fun and twisted happens along the way so I can share the laughter that some of you have shared with me. But I'm finding that if I want my children to learn to walk a certain way, I am definately going to have to walk it first. My Sarah loves to dance, because I do and we make the time for it. My son, he likes to eat (ha ha, must also be from me). The goal has always been to raise healthy, smart and individual kids, but now, that goal is for myself too. It's too easy to get lost underneath and behind everything at home.

Thanksgiving

It is that time of year that we sit back, eat alot of everything in sight, and reflect on the things that we are truly thankful for. My hubby, my kidz, my family and in-lawz. My home, my health. My crazy thoughts that allow me to delve deaper into myself and really think things through. My hubby, who taught me to think before buying everything under the sun for the babies. There is truly something to be said about having more of what you need than what you want. My sister, who is so very different from me, and we don't always agree or get along, but her strong will and loyalty teaches me lessons daily. My friends who, although we don't see or speak as often as I would like, are always there in my heart and on the phone when I need them the most. My brother for making me proud of him and his strength (and he didn't even know he did it). My Mom who has a zillion things on her own plate, and yet, she always finds the time to listen to me whine, complain, and vent my frustrations.

On a lighter note: I am thankful for chocolate ice cream, graham crackers and a piping cup of hot coffee. (not all together)

What do I want my children to learn today: That being grateful shouldn't be a yearly event. It should be done daily.

This morning, around 6:45am I looked out the front window to see two teenagers sitting on the curb. Not such a big deal, they were obviously cutting school since all the buses had gone already. It made me a little nervous only because we live on a dead end and no one really ever comes over here, not even for Trick-or-Treating on Halloween. Well, the kids left the area about 1/2 hour later. Ok, so no big deal. I then went out food shopping and when I returned I saw the mess these little hooligans left. A mess of loose leaf papers all over my lawn and wrappers of some sort all over the curb. I was just really aggravated that on top of hauling in my groceries and my babies, that now, I had to clean up someone else's mess. Someone who was too rude to think that maybe their loitering and littering would affect someone else. Where are these kid's parents? I thought to myself. But most of all, I think I was angry because I too was once a teenager. I was the girl who wore baggy clothes so as to not bring attention to myself, I looked a mess (I think I did at least), I did not think of others and I hung out in the woods smoking weed (sorry to my Grandmothers who are reading this since they both think I am so damned near perfect). I am sure that people wondered where my parents were. Why was I out so late? I was angry because I probably made someone else feel badly by the way I spoke, or littered, or just disrespected. Actually, I pretty much did not realize "other people have feelings too" until I had children and saw how much my words, actions, even negative thought patterns affect others. My daughter will ask me for something then let out a big "huff", because, that is what I do. Especially when I am getting aggravated at her. hello! She is 2 years old and I find myself getting aggravated way too often, and mostly because her needs "cut into" mine. Like, I lay down for a nap and that is when she seems to want me the most. Or, I look up to see something interesting on The View and she wants my attention. I need to be more present with her, with everyone. I need to take notice of what bothers me about a situation and figure out why. It always has to do with me, not the situation itself. I need to listen to that little voice inside me, instead of shushing it or ignoring it. That little voice usually tells me "call you friend, send some flowers, be kind". Instead I usually worry and spend endless energy on negative thoughts, gossiping, judging, forgetting that there is a whole world out there outside of my little dead end street. I want my children to see the world, to understand that their actions speak volumes about who they are. I want them to think of others as extensions of themselves. I want to effortlessly feel this way too.

Lessons Learning

I never fully understood the range of emotions that I would encounter in a marriage. One minute I am so in love and the next he annoys me to no end. How is this possible? In the movies it seems so damned near perfect. Is this why the divorce rate is so high in our country? Do so many people just give up during the "get-on-my-nerves-go-away" times? Or do we forget what the word commitment means? I k-n-o-w I am not quite perfect (damn near close though, hehe) and I k-n-o-w I annoy my hubby pretty much all the time, but I sleep well at night knowing that we are in it for the long haul. I wish for all those I love that they too feel that same security in their relationships.

Something else I never really understood was the "having kids" thing. I always wanted "a baby". Boy, was I in for a smackdown of reality. The baby is the easy part. The toddler, on the other hand, is a completely different, individual, screaming little human. I don't know some days if I have the patience for this. I question myself each and every day. Why do I say "no" all the time? Should I be more of a schedule type person? Is my kid gonna be screwed up because of me? Does she watch too much TV? Is she eating too much sugar? (Definately yes to the last one) Am I too strict? Am I not strict enough? Will I ever have the answers? Do I just need some sleep? (I also think that, I too, eat w-a-y too much sugar)

So here's to hoping for a sugar-free, long naptime day on Monday!

Plush

The theme this week being "Plush" this is the plushest I could find in my little digital library. I know, the frightened look on my child's face makes you feel as if the Easter Bunny has just promised to eat her alive. But, it certainly put a smile on my face and a giggle in my throat this evening, so I hope it works for you too.

Could we all agree just not to spend any of our hard earned money and buy OJ Simpson's book? It's bad enough he is walking around a free man, I don't think that we should pay his salary as well.

(I am now stepping off the soapbox .....)

now

Learning to find "me" time is not something I am at all good at. Tonight, in fact, I think I did this without actually planning it. I have been feeling very irritable the past few days, which, I also felt at this point (7 months) after Sarah was born as well. I had chalked it up to the progestrin-only birth control pills I was taking and had stopped taking them. FAST FORWARD 10 months and the Big Man was born. So now, I'm not sure what to do. I'll call the doc if it seems to get worse, but I am hoping by adding some more excercise and maybe deducting some very tasty, but very unhealthy refined carbs will do it. I, of course, would love another baby, but not right now. Hubby on the other hand is very satisfied with our family and is not quite sure about another little one in the house. Well, anyway, in my effort to fix my foul mood, I put on a pot of coffee for some much needed energy and jumped on the treadmill. On purpose I did this first, before any cleaning, ironing, or laundry folding, because I always get sidetracked by these mundane daily deeds and find it so hard to do things "for me". Needless to say it worked, because I am also sitting here on the internet letting you in on my evening.

So, what I have learned today is that the laundry will always be there, jump on the treadmill or paint my toenails NOW! (whatever cools the mood I suppose)

wide open spaces

The sweet smell of baby hair and the pudgy little hands and feet.
The innocent blue eyes and the spirit of a warrior.
The living in the moment and not worrying about tomorrow.
The future is wide open.

Party aftermath

First let me start off by saying YES! There was plenty of chili. Too much in fact that I will somehow turn into a cute little Texan Momma from eating so much chili this week! (portion controlled of course)

Sarah enjoyed her birthday party and all seemed to go well. Anything that didn't go well, (to any family members that might have been witness to it) I don't want to know about it. Sarah's favorite part seemed to be when the family gathered around to sing her "Happy Birthday". She sat there, her face all lit up, in front of her cake, and she glowed from the pride that she knew we were all there for her. She looked at me with a face of joy that I will never forget. She was the purest form of happy I have ever observed in my entire 32 years on this earth, and I hope to always see it in her eyes. Her Daddy had to help her blow out the big old #2 candle and she was so glad to finally be able to eat some cake and ice cream! (of course, when I wasn't looking, my dear Nanny allowed this sweet little child to dig her fingers into my homemade(ok, Betty Crocker mix) creation. I know MY child would have NEVER done such an thing on her own! haha)

When all was said and done, the day was great and as my dear hubby crashed on the couch after everyone left we realized it was only 4:30pm!!! Oh Mah God!!! WE still had exactly 2 and 1 half hours to contend with the little cuties. So, we put on our game faces and did the best we could in our sleep deprived conditions (the babes were awake since 5am that morn). I was so tired last night, that when hubby finally went off to bed around 10, I couldn't get off the couch and slept there another 2 hours before going off to bed myself.

Sarah enjoying her cake

Her favorite gift of the day, her piano

Crazy momma thoughts

Everytime we have a party here at the house I get so stressed the day before with cooking and cleaning and last minute details, and now I have 2 small children to contend with. I don't think that the hubby really gets it sometimes. My mind is usually on complete overload, but, I can quiet down some of the noise in there to maintain a healthy appearance. But a day like today, when I have so much thinking to do, it's just too much. Is there enough chili? Did I buy enough cold cuts? Did I clean the toilets? Can people see the dust-bunnies up there? Make sure the dishwasher is empty, make sure there are enough kitchen towels, Did I buy wine? What types should I get? Is there enough chili? Is this bread ok for everyone? Did I sweep off the front porch? Did the potato salad come out ok? Did I scrape the Play-Doh off the kitchen table, floor, and anywhere else it may have stuck to? IS THERE ENOUGH CHILI??? Really, this is just the beginning. (This is on top of the diapers, nursing, baby food, ,toddler-who-won't eat, and everything else).

Now, as I get ready for bed, I am trying to quiet down those damn voices in my head, but I just keep going over and over and over the same stupid things - YES, I think there may be enough chili.

Why do we stress? Why do I worry that the Mom-In-Law will see the dust-bunnies or the dirty dishes in dishwasher or the laundry in fold-me-purgatory? Why is it so important that I do everything and not let anyone help me? Why do I get annoyed when people try to help me - put dishes away or offer to bring something? WHY WHY WHY? Does it make me less of a woman to take help? Do I look weak? Will they revoke my Happy Housewives Association membership?

What the hell??????

I know that tomorrow, once our family starts to arrive and I smile and greet everyone I love, all of these evil crazy thoughts will be dust in the wind, but for now, as I try to lay my head down on the pillow, they will threaten my sleep and wound my insecurity for the next 7 hours.

Only a 2 yr old

Driving over to Toys-R-Us to let Sarah pick out a bday present, my darling daughter spots the Dunkin Donuts and shouts out "Momma needs coffee".
Yes baby, I do.

Trying to do my 10 minute workout of squats and lunges, my little sweetie says "Momma hot bunz".
Yes baby, they are.

Not wanting to eat her dinner, but certainly thinking like her Mom and wanting dessert, my wonderful baby girl says "Momma, I love you! Cookie now?"
Yes, baby, here ya go!

Flattery will get you anywhere with me.

Happy Birthday Baby Girl

To my little girl,

2 years ago today you came into this world with a strong voice and a stubborn mind

I hope to see those strengths and may you always stick to your beliefs

My wish for you is to follow your dreams and always dream BIG

Listen to your heart and always trust your instincts

You will always be my little girl, but I hope someday to see a strong woman

Someone who will not back down and who will stick up for what she believes is right

I promise to always be there for you, to help you along you along your way

To show you and teach you how great you can and will be

I love you Sarah - Happy Birthday Sweet Baby Girl!!

Change

Our country lies in wait
We have seen a call for change
Now, it is up to the newly elected to make it

We the people have made our voices heard
This is our land
Now, it is in the hands of our new officials

Please mend our country, our hearts, our minds
Please fix this rift in between us, we are all one
Please don't focus on the differences, rep or dem
Please help us to be better than we are right now

As a Mother, Wife, Daughter, Friend
We need for this to happen

Pain in the neck

I have been nursing a serious-bad muscle pain thingy in my neck since Sunday morning, and I have only to blame my children. Yes, my sweet little cutie-pies did this to me. We stopped into the hospital on Saturday to visit my little brother who had his appendix taken out (poor little Seany-Boy). Anyway, the stupid boy at the WRONG INFO desk sent me to the 2nd floor. With one 21 lb 6 month old in one arm and a toddler who walks, "I do it Momma", off we went to the elevator. The 2nd floor was like a world of its own, I was lost, baby screaming, toddler only hopping square to square on the tiled floor, and NO ONE to ask for help. As I headed back to find the elevators (which I couldn't find, I have no sense of direction) I found a man who helped me, told me pediatrics was the 5TH FLOOR, and that I wasn't the only person that this INFO person sent to the incorrect place. He was going to straighten it all out. What a wonderful man. However, now my toddler wants to sit on the floor and the baby is slipping out off my hip. SOOOO.. I lean down to pick my darling daughter up by her arm and flipped my son up a little higher on my hip. Yes, all at the same time.

Needless to say, the pain started Sunday and I have felt useless for 2 days now.
I did go vote today, however, I did wait until hubby came home so I could run out and do it by myself instead of dragging the kids and only making myself feel worse. Especially since I still wasn't sure who to vote for and especially since I really don't like either of the Senate candidates we have running here in NJ. I thought it through and had to take the lesser of two evils. I hate the nasty commercials and everything that goes with campaigning. I hate wondering if I made the right decision. I hate thinking they all seem like crooks to me and it so hard sometimes to come to any decision that leaves me feeling good. Maybe I should run for office. Actually, not such a good idea, in high school I did inhale, and I am quite sure there alot of people who, if paid $10 would attest to that fact.

I will watch the endless news channels tonight for hours upon hours to see who won and where, because, now as a responsible adult (who no longer inhales), parent and citizen, I find myself interested and frightened for the future of this country and my children.

What is it?

It is the time for me to reveal the complete and utter neurotic that is me.

My jaw kinda hurts a little and after poking and prodding at it for an hour I think I feel a lump. Actually, when I roll my head around, just as my chin touches my chest I feel it. Do I have cancer? Will I die today? What will my kids call my husband's new and much younger wife?

My own Mother can vouch for the fact that I can literally turn a pimple into a cancerous and deadly object within 5 minutes. Between the internet and various health books I have here in my sweet little home. I am dangerous. I feel a pain and I must know what organ it is. What could happen to me? Can they take it out? Can I live without it?

My dear sweet hubby had a pain in his chest last week. After doing my "usual"research I had him diagnosed with a hiatal hernea. Where are our wills? Is everything together if something happens to one, or, both of us?

When I was pregnant, it was the worst. I would call my poor Mom at work with questions like : "Mom, if the cord is wrapped around the baby's neck, would I know it?" "Can the baby kick ME too hard and hurt me?" "Can I dilate without pain and the baby fall out of my body as I am cooking dinner?"
Yeah, it's bad.

There is way too much information on the internet for people like me.

Holiday dreams

The holidays are coming up and I am getting psyched for shopping. Actually going out at night, all alone and shopping. I am looking forward to other people's kids screaming and crying at Toys-R-Us (mine, at home). I will be so excited to stand on line in Wal-Mart behind not so well behaved kids and smile because, once again, mine will be home. I will not be in a hurry, and I will live in the moment. I will drink a coffee, maybe stop in the bookstore to yes, browse. All the while my delicious dark roasted treat will still be hot and steamy and delicious. I will try to find a Not-So-Mommy-Outfit and try to look cool. Maybe I'll even take the hubby's truck and leave the minivan at home. OOh, I'm starting to shake, is it true? Can I make this dream a reality?

In all truth, most of my shopping will probably be done online, while JR sits on my lap smacking the keyboard and Sarah screams that she wants to play games on Noggin, but one can only dream.......

No sugar, good day

Today was a good day. Maybe it is the fact that I didn't eat any chocolate myself and maintained a steady blood sugar all day. Maybe it is the fact that my children were perfect and there were no meltdowns. Or maybe, perhaps, it is because I am coming to realize that I just need to relax and live more in the moment.
Cheerios all over the floor in the supermarket - ah, they'll sweep it up (I DID kick them over to the side so a nice old lady wouldn't wipe out).
Toddler won't eat anything except fruit or cereal? So what, she certainly eats healthier than me. Anyway, I am quite sure that within the next 16 or so years she will try maybe one or two new things to eat.
Same toddler splashes so much water around from the bathtub that the bathroom looks like the hull of the Titanic - well I just took a big ole fluffy towel and wiped it all down - no I don't have to clean in there tomorrow!
I am certainly hoping that this zen-like state stays with me for more than 24 hours. Besides, I haven't started having withdrawal symptoms from the lack of chocolate yet, so we shall see.