tell ya what I want, what I really, really want....

Actually, I will tell you what I don't want- I don't want an iphone. I didn't want to see the line of people waiting outside the local cellphone store all day, including the woman holding an infant, just to be the first to purchase said phone. I read in our newspaper this morning that this young man said he waited on line because his friends were talking about it and he didn't want to miss out. I'm sorry, were they only being sold for one day? I don't get it. Now, this gives bad drivers one more thing to play with while they should be paying attention to the road. There is no alone time anymore, we are always "plugged in".

Of course I want my children to have the things they need, like food and shelter and some toys. Art supplies work very nicely in our home. Books, even better. But we are so material, and it just seems to get worse by the minute, we are fed into this idea that we "need" these items that are really extras. I am a SAHM, do I really need a cell phone? Honestly, it is a luxury. I like it, but could do without it if I needed to. Like, now I want to look into the dance school for my daughter, cancelling my cellphone will probably offset that cost of the dance class, seriously. I suppose I want my kids to understand that they are not the rich Hollywood celebrities that are plastered all over the media and know the difference between needing and wanting something.

what momma really wants - a quiet day alone at the beach with no cell phones blasting rap music and no screaming kids - now that would be a luxury!!!

Love Thursday

The calm that you possess
There are no worries in your eyes

Your hand reaches out to hold
To jump right into life

No fear, no second guessing
Just your gut instinct

Free from deep sorrow
Free to enjoy it all

Live it
Love it

naptime shmaptime

The one thing that I have learned (out of many) from parenting two little tots is to go with the flow. Before, I thought a schedule was a set thing. Naps at a certain time. Lunch at a certain time. In reality, as my babies grow and teeth and learn to walk, it seems that their "napping needs" tend to change. My little man is now sleeping in a little later in the morning, but that means that the morning nap is pushed back later, and then, the afternoon nap, pushed back even later. I am losing that special time where they actually nap at the same time. Poor me, right?

I do find for me to get anything done, Momma does need a sort of "scheduled time". Like, that "special napping time" they shared was for cleaning around the house. oh, well, I guess someone else is gonna have to do it!

snapshot sunday

mugshots of the always guilty, but very cute ( hey, I'm their Mom, of course I think they're cute!)

enjoy the moment

Today I will just relax and enjoy my children. Every little chicken nugget and Cheerio on the floor will be celebrated and I will just flow......

New realizations about my own quirks have brought me down to just want to be with them and not worry about the stupid things that don't really matter. The crap like feeling "not good enough" that enters my brain and ruins my day. The stupid thoughts that fog my great moments with my babies.

So with that, the computer is going off for the day and we are off to find some rainy day fun.

aaarrrggghhh! the mommy monster

So far this morning I have Googled "patience", "parenting", "patience in parenting","patience with toddler" and "how to not run out of the house screaming like a lunatic". I still have no answers. I have about 10 minutes of sanity right now as JR is napping and Sarah is watching a show. wait, here she comes.....

Allright. So, we woke up at 5 am, breakfast, walked, did pilates and fought. The entire walk all my darling daughter did was bitch. I didn't think that this would begin for another, say, 11 years?? She kicked her brother, drew on her entire body with a very bright blue crayon and hit me.

I am tired and sick of feeling like I suck at this. We are supposed to have lunch with my 2 friends today, but honestly, I cannot leave this house feeling like I want to pop my little ones head off. How can I sit in a restaurant with my little monster? I really have no appetite. I look around and see Mother's who are so good at this. Doesn't anyone else get mad? Are there any other Mommy's out there who just get fed up? I love being home but I wonder sometimes if it would be better for my babies if I worked outside the home? I have not located the patience or skills yet to raise a toddler. Time-Outs only work sometimes. Then we end up smacking her on the butt for hitting her brother? It doesn't make sense to me, how the hell is going to teach a young child the correct behavior?

I know that tomorrow is another day and today's rush of evil emotions will pass, but, well, now I have screaming toddler on my keyboard and have to finish that thought later..km,agjakgjl;

my personal heaven

There are those days that I am so glad to be home with my babies. Everything falls into place. I do not yell. No one ends up in time-out. I only vacuum once. We play outside in the warm sunshine, splashing and laughing. Then, Sarah waits until I turn my around to dead-head some flowers and she pinches her brother, continuously until I turn to see what is going on. She screams at me and runs away to the other side of the yard. Then, I see that it's in my hands right now how this will all turn out. Why can't I just stomp and yell and scream? Why do I have to pick everything up myself? I want to scream. I want to yell. I don't feel like a parent at this point, I feel like a 13 year old girl who thinks that this arrangement is not fair. What do I get out of this? Then as I scoop her up in one arm and little JR in the other, she looks at me and says, "Mommy, I need to go in time-out now" All the while she is kicking and yelling and acting just like the two year old that she is. Instead of my normal fight-or-give-in, instead of yelling, I just place her in time-out for the allotted 3 minutes and start to make her lunch. After the timer goes off she scurrried over to the table, ate her lunch and informed that she needed a nice, long, nap now. All is right in out world.

So, with both babies sleeping, what does Momma do?

I cooked up a bag of 94% Fat Free Butter Popcorn in the micro and doused it with some REAL butter. That's lunch for today.

snapshot sunday

dazed and confused......

wrong answer!

I used to have a good friend. We lost touch as people sometimes do. After having children, I grew up and realized it didn't matter whose fault it was or whatever it was about. I was going to call, write, but never did. So, the other day in Costco, as I was waiting for Hubby to finish at the Customer Service desk, someone walked up to me, waving the whole time. It took me a minute to figure out that this was the Best Friend of my Old Friend. We chatted quickly and talked about our children and a few other small talk thingys. We said good bye and I felt the sweat pouring off of me. I looked terrible. No make-up, my shirt had a stain on it, and I do think I had peanut butter in my hair. Oh yeah, although I am only about 15 pounds more than when we used to hang out, I look about 45 pounds overweight. As we walked out of the store, Hubby asked about her and who she was. I gave him a quick background and then said
" God, I look so fat, I cannot believe I ran into her today."

guess what Hubby said:

a) Babe, your are beautiful and definately not fat!!!
b) Fat?? Fat?? Honey, you are so not fat!
c) Well she wasn't that thin.

yeah, I got c) when at that moment I was crying out for an a) or a b) or both!!!

Do they ever learn??

snapshot sunday

these are the smiling faces that make me want to be a better woman, wife and friend

their little eyes see so innocently, unjaded, that I bring myself down to the floor to see the world from their view

it is then I can see the possibilities and the goodness in the world

one more?

This past week I was very sure I was pregnant. I was tired, sick, my chest ached and my "friend" was late. The smell of my daughter's apple juice actually made me throw up. I was excited about the thought of a new little soul coming into our family. The only thing that didn't agree was the home pregnancy tests that I took (quite a few over the past week and a half). But my gut told me I was pregnant. Well, late yesterday afternoon my "friend" arrived, quite painfully and very furiously and now I am sad. Disappointed would be a better word for it. I am good at being preggers. I was at my best. I walked every day. I ate healthier (just add the ice cream daily, please.) I felt good, I talked more positively to myself and others. I felt, well, useful. Now I still felt nauseated this morning and hubby will sware it is all in my head, which, it very well could be. You see, hubby is very content with out family "as is". Of course I am as well, but, I still see no reason to deny another little soul a place in our hearts and home. Yet I am still sad, wondering now, where should I focus my energy. If I bulldoze my way into hubby's face and insist on another child, it begs for an unending arguement. It would seem to be some definate negative energy. But, I am scared, if I move the heck on and focus on other things, perhaps, my own personal goals and projects, will I be ok that this falls to the wayside?

This morning I trolled around the house watering some plants, which I usually forget to do. As I passed by the dining room window something caught my eye. Several weeks ago Sarah and I planted an avacado pit for her to grow her own plant. Because it is in a room that we don't use daily, we forgot about it. It got watered sporadically and recently I remember thinking to throw it out when she wasn't looking since it had not done anything. Today I saw a two inch sprout sticking out of the dirt. Even with not too much attention, this seed had found a way to do what it was supposed to do. I immediately remembered all the passing dreams I have had for myself through the years. Some had just disappeared, but some, like the seed in a sunny window, had found a way to happen with the right help. I realized today that I need to find that thing that I am supposed to do. That thing that will come naturally for me. Maybe we will have another child, maybe we won't. But I certainly don't want that to be what defines me. What I want my children to learn from can't be something I just tell them about, it needs to be something I can show them in my own actions.

code word - get the heck out of here

I have found that with a toddler, things can get ugly pretty fast. Hubby and I have been leaving get-togethers and such early due to toddler tantrums and our inability to deal. She gets out of control, we snap at each other, an arguement ensues. I know in my heart that we are not the only people who have ever dealt with this situation, but when I look around sometimes, it just seems like all the other moms around me have their shit together. They don't seem to lose it at the drop of a dime, they don't yell at mediocre things.

So, I have come up with the idea that we need a code word for that special time of 2 1/2 year old chaos. Once one of us utters the "word" then we just pack the bags and go, no fights. So, what should that "word" be?

aftermath

This week has been emotionally exhausting with the loss of my dear Grandpa. My children will only know him through me, so I will do my best to keep him alive in our hearts. We have gathered together as a family and here are some pics of my kiddies doing exactly what their Great-Grandpop would have been doing - sleeping and looking out over the water.




hold your loved ones for an extra moment today, take in their smell, their love
find the peace of knowing to love and to be loved....