Do I want more children?

Having two children is great. It is difficult with them at the ages they are, 23 months and 6 months, but I do love it. I love that I get to be home with them all the time and I love that we have a large family to share all the holidays and such with. I find myself wondering lately though, why I am so deadset on having a third child?

I keep thinking about how impatient and aggravated I get with Sarah lately. I keep thinking about how I yearn to find my own passion in this life. I find myself feeling irritated at times when I cannot even stop at WaWa for a cup of coffee because I do not want to leave my kids in the car, nor do I want to drag two babies in for a 2 minute stop. I miss my "free time" even though I am quite sure I wasted so much of it away. I miss vacations with my husband and late nights at the bar with friends. I miss getting up to go to work, getting dressed up and knowing I looked good, or that someone else noticed I looked good. I miss working because, no matter what job I had, I always worked hard and it was always appreciated and I was always told so.

I think about my life and how very lucky I have been with everything and I just really wonder, why do I feel so strongly that I want another child? I guess it's because nothing has ever filled my life as much as my children. Nothing has ever made me feel like I am where and who I need to be at this moment, as I do right now. I push myself to play in the sandbox and fingerpaint and do all the things I wouldn't be doing without them. I find that I am enjoying my "child within", maybe more than I did as a child - without the angst and fear that I had. I have never trusted my gut or instincts until now, and I see that I am very intuitive and can find the answers, most of them, right here inside me. Being a mother has opened up a part of me that I hid away. Now, it sure sounds great all typed out, but the truth is, it is also not as glamorous as I had imagined - wearing sweatpants and no make-up all day, being spit-up on and actually picking nose boogies with my bare fingers, really, I never thought it possible. But, I do see the importance of it all - no, not the nose boogies, but the raising of my children, the future, all that.