playtime

Why do I try to blog and do anything on the computer with 2 small children circling me like vultures? That's sounds bad, I know. I thought that with a playroom near by, they would play happily (and quietly), while I typed away. Duh!! I should know better. I am the oldest of 6. Do I not remember the utter chaos? Do I not remember the screaming (parents and children included), the fights and the crying?? So, for today, I will stop, play and listen. Just be in the moment right? I can type later. Then I can update you other things, like trying to lose the holiday weight, kid's Christmas pics and making happiness an everyday habit.

Love to all

AAAHHHH!!

I tried to finish up the baking, clean up the kitchen, and all without the kids screaming. WWHHAATT? you say? A 2 and 4 year old who kept themselves busy for longer than 10 minutes? No. Of course not. What the heck was I thinking? I got all the cooking stuff done and thought, well, maybe I could work out a little bit. It's been a week since I got to the gym, JR's been sick and I need to stress release some major energy. After 35 minutes of fighting with the kids on which puzzle to set them up with, I popped on my new Britney Spears cd and went to work on my circuit training. The kids screamed, fought and yelped. Momma was not happy, Momma was not yet even sweating when the phone rang... A dear friend who I haven't spoken to in ages was telling me about her infertility stuff and the whole process when... the kids decide to have a screaming contest. Right there in front of me. Now normally, I would just leave the room to have an adult conversation on the phone for a few minutes, but, hubby is sick and napping and I didn't want them to wake him up so that he could possibly enjoy the party later.
I hang up the phone and I'm ready to scream and yell and then I remember that I am the adult. Yeah, me. Who would have thought? So I put my dreams of a hot rockin' body and a talk with a friend aside and just played with the kids. And yeah, they behaved.

Merry merry to everyone!!

twinkle twinkle

Making cookies, wrapping presents, and trying to work out daily so that I can eat the yummy treats without severe consequence. Busy days.

Here's a little twinkly serenade for the Grandmothers...

mmm mmm monday

So yesterday I made some really good beer bread, and not from the cute little overpriced mix that you buy at some home parties. So simple and good. A thought too, would be great to jar up and give the mix as gifts for the holidays since all the giftee has to do is add the beer and a Tb of melted butter on top (if desired)

Here's the recipe, which I got out of the fabulous "Joy of Cooking"

Preheat oven to 400 degrees
Grease a 6 cup loaf pan - 8 1/2 X4 1/2 inch pan

Whisk together the following in a large bowl:
1 CUP whole wheat flour
1 CUP all purpose flour
1/2 CUP old fashioned rolled oats
2 TB sugar
2 TEASPOONS baking powder
1/2 TEASPOON baking soda
1/2 TEASPOON salt

ADD:
1 1/2 CUPS of beer

Fold until the dry ingredients are moistened. Scrape into the pan and spread evenly.

I melted 1 TB butter (or spread) and poured on the top.(this was not in the actual recipe in the book)

Bake until toothpick inserted in center comes out clean, 35 -40 minutes.
Let cool in pan for 5-10 minutes, then cool completely on rack.

ENJOY!!!!

up with the times..

So I went out and purchased a webcam, mainly I have two brothers in the US ARMY, one stationed in VA and the other in Germany. I barely just got my Skype account all done and the kids are already having me send emails of them being silly to my various family members. This is going to be fun. Although my 4 year old daughter is convinced that she is the next webshow phenom. A born performer she is, and she swares that everyone wants to see her do, well, whatever. So, perhaps we might add some video here in the near future, ya know, of me, pulling my hair out after a toddler tantrum, or of the tantrum itself. Maybe me, begging for parenting advice, or, some very strong coffee.

Anyway, until tomorrow.

tantrum tuesday

I had the morning all planned out. Shoprite, post office, then off to drive by the dance studio to explain to Sarah why she was not going to dance class today. She has been misbehaving in class, so I thought that seeing the other girls arrive to class would shock her into understanding that I was not kidding around. She needs to check the behavior or her dancing career is over, at the tender age of 4. I know it sounds awfully mean, but this is her second year dancing, and this problem is a new one.

So, we picked up a few things at Shoprite, were I forgot something that I needed. Then, in the rain, JR threw a fit not wanting to get into the carseat and I sat, outside in the rain with him for 35 minutes. Moms walking by smiling, happy it was me and not them. Every time I tried to get him into the car he arched his back, screamed "NNNOOOOOOO" and being a strong little sucker, there was no use fighting him. So we sat, and sat, and sat some more. Finally I felt strong enough to hold in the seat while buckling each side with a somewhat free hand, trying to not to think about how he sounded like I was beating him and it seemed that millions of people were walking by, very slowly.

Now, I skipped the post office, for obvious reasons and drove onto the dance studio. Class had already been in session for a 1/2 hour, so I pointed out parents' cars, which Sarah knew, and made sure she understood her friends were dancing today, while she was not. Then I threw in a little bribe for her good behavior for next week. A new Barbie doll (which I already have for her.) If she didn't love dancing so much I would just let it be and not take her anymore, but she is obsessed! All day, all night, everything dance and ballet and tap! So, we'll see how it goes next week, if not, hubby & I end up with an extra $60/month to save for a rainy day.

holiday challenge

The holiday buzz has begun. This time of year makes me feel warm inside and happy to hug all my family and friends. It also makes me think much more of the families that do not have much. I clean up my kid's rooms and I think of children that don't have many toys to play with or warm clothes to wear. So I went through my closet. My foyer closet which contains coats. Many, many coats. I found 3 that I haven't worn in years. That I will probably never wear. So, they will be donated today. I always donate the kid's outgrown clothes. I always go through the things that I don't want anymore. But, to find something that perhaps can be useful to someone else in the cold weather, that makes me feel good. An outdated sequined belt? Not so helpful I'm thinking to someone trying to just make it through the day.

So the challenge to all is to find one coat, one item that will warm someone else up for the season and donate it now. I promise it will warm your heart too.

new definitions?

this is what spooning is in our house.....

tempers flaring, camera's clicking

A temper tantrum broke loose and I felt at that moment, no coping skills at all. How do I contend with a 2 year old on a rampage? So I did what I could - I took out the camera and his tears turned into almost a smile and a quiet "cheese!"

The greatest painted pumkins

The greatest painted pumpkins

by Sarah, age 4

These are our pumpkins.

Our pumpkins are painted in lots of different colors.

Mommy & Daddy will see them when we go home.

They are washable paints & we painted very carefully.

Our pumpkins are done.

We did it very neatly.

trick, or treat?

WE HOPE YOU HAD LOTS OF TREATS, AND NOT TOO MANY TRICKS!!

fresh pickins

This past Sunday we went pumkin picking. It was cold. It was windy. But, just putting a smile on can turn the whole thing around. We laughed and there were no meltdowns. With two toddlers, that in itself is amazing!! We got our pumpkins, then after bringing them back to the car we walked through the little petting zoo that was there. So much fun - I think JR had the most fun. He is finally really using more and more words every day and that particular day it was all about the "aminals". All day long he recited "aminals eeaat". Because he seemed to take so long to talk, everything he says just amazes me at this point. These are definately the days I will soon miss, the baby talk, the cuddling, the small little hands.

enjoy the sunshine

A few weeks ago Hubby and I took the kids to a nearby reservoir to enjoy some nature. I try to take them out every Sunday, pretty much because I don't go to church and my Cathiolic Schoolgirl guilt says to do something spiritual with them. Anyway, the weather is starting to get colder here in Jersey and I, not enjoying the cold too much don't know how else to dance with nature in the miserable winter. Hopefully something will come to my mind, or, I will have to find a church to attend, and hopefully, save my soul.

making it through

The struggle has already begun- Sarah would like to put on her ballet tights and leotard. This begins at 5:30am. Her class is not until 9:30am. She yells at me that I am not fair (she is 3, almost 4 years old). I explain that she can put in on at 8:30 when she has finished her snack. I don't want her to get it all dirty nor do I want her to rip her tights (at $12 a pop, I try to make them last as long as possible!) Anyway, she feels that I am being unreasonable and I never listen to her. The funny thing is, I am so on the floor playing with them all the time. I hug and listen and comfort all the time. I am not sure what she needs, because if it was reasonable, I would certainly accommodate.

I guess my "question" is this - does it have to be a struggle? I totally understand that giving a child everything they "want" is not good for them (or the rest of the world) in the long run. Why does it seem that other people's kids don't put up such a fight? And why for goodness sake does my little princess constantly bug the crap out of her brother????????

As I sit here, trying to relax and remember that kids are kids and I am here to guide them blah blah blah, I am surrounded by what seems like an increasing mountain of toys and I am just taking a breath and hoping that I can hike my way through this day, with a smile. (oh, and a Dunkin Donuts Coffee Coolata)

catching up

The kids have finally gotten down for naptime and I have committed myself to blogging each day the minute they have begun to dream.... Time management has been a problem for me and I was struggling with figuring out reasons. I am the type of person who needs a reason for everything. Why is Sarah misbehaving? What is the reason?? hello, how about she is almost 4 going on 13!! JR refuses to potty train. What is the reason?? duh, he is 2 1/2 and some children just aren't ready yet. So in figuring out how to use my time wiser I decided that I definately needed to set in stone the things that made Momma's day brighter. Workout time at the gym, blogging/computer time, scrapbooking. Then I also realized that the mundane household crap that I hated so much was so dreadful because I looked at it in that way, as something that I hated. So, some positive thinking and a perfectly good attitude adjustment was needed.

(by the way, it so much that JR refuses to potty train, it's that he screams on the toilet, then when the feet hit the floor he proceeds to bless the room with should have been in the toilet. And Sarah, well, I am beginning to see that backtalking, snotty remarks and little angry outbursts are being well modeled by this Momma who needs to stop and take a breath a little more often....)

too attached

In my reading lately I picked up a few books about Buddhism, which I find absolutely fascinating! This idea of "nonattachement" struck a chord with me, basically because I was having a really hard time understanding exactly what that meant. At first, I thought it to mean not being "attached" to name brands, or "things", tangible "things that one would possess. But now I find it to be more of an "idea". Sort of like the being-in-the-moment-thing.

Anyway, in working on my lack of patience and quick anger (or as hubby says that I am ALWAYS yelling) I decided to make this idea of nonattachment work in my life. So, this morning when the kids ran into our room and started severely messing up my space, I had to think to myself, or "unattach" if you will, to the idea that I needed it to be a certain way. So, I took a breath and just thought to myself "it's already messed up". I know it sounds really stupid, but by letting go of that fighting thought of how things "should be", I was able to just see my kids having fun, then able to smile and have them help pick some things up. Why is this so hard for some of us? Very early this morning, try 4:15am, JR woke up and just could be bothered to go back to sleep. Usually, if it is before 5am, I end up very grumpy and react very badly to even a request for juice. My thoughts? I need sleep, I am tired, why can't they just sleep like everyone else's kids, blah blah blah, I just fight it. So today I smiled at him and just went with. I "unattached" to my thoughts on how it should be. What a much better morning it turned it out to be for all of us.

It is hard when you try to stick with what you know and try not to lose yourself. It is hard when you want to sleep and your thoughts ramble on about how unfair this is. Yeah, it's hard. But no one did tell me it would easy.

questions

Being that I haven't found the time to even check emails lately, blogging had been put in the back of my mind. Just endless questions that if I find the time I will, I suppose "Google". Is there any other way of finding an answer to anything anymore?
So, I want to know -do I wake my toddlers up from long naps, or just leave them be? - why is there such a lack of GREAT customer service? do these companies not realize with the economy and everything going on that they do indeed need to fight for the consumer dollar? - why, oh why does everyone seem to love Gov. Sarah Palin so much??? - will our troops ever leave Iraq and leave it a safe place for it's people? - why are so many kids allergic to peanuts?
crap, the list goes on and on. so with that good health to everyone for the day.
see you tomorrow - I promise!

in the moment

I was vacuuming the kids' rooms this morning and I heard it - silence. So I ran out into the kitchen to see what was wrong. No screaming, no fighting, what could be going on? I looked down to see my little ones rolling around the floor with the contents of an entire box of tissues! They looked up as if to say "uh oh" then instead of my usual rant, I jumped down on the floor with them and threw some fluffy white Kleenex up in the air to enjoy for myself. We had some fun, and wouldn't you know it, when it was time to clean it up, they were all for helping!

I tell you, this Buddist stuff I have been reading is really doing me some good!!!!! It is much nicer to live in and enjoy the moment than to react to every little thing.

So this morning we got up and dressed. How exciting, an outing! Packed the kids in the car and went over to....Costco. Yeah, that was what I was excited about. Our Costco moved to bigger and better location and I was so happy to go check it out (besides I needed milk and eggs). So as I entered the parking lot I was, well, overwhelmed, the entire parking lot was full, you know, Christmas shopping at the mall full? It seems that the store opened early and had muffins and other breakfast items for the customers to eat, so every person in our county seemed to have converged on our Costco. I tried to navigate my way through the store with 2 screaming kids, a super large shopping cart and I could not find the eggs. Oh, and you know those ladies that give out the samples? They were everywhere! Problem with that is my kids are dairy and nut allergic, so, we can't really eat any of it! My wonderful trip to store ended with a man waiting for me to move out of my parking spot, while I packed up the groceries, strapped the kids into their seats, then had to return the shopping cart.

When we returned home I gave the kids some snacks and go them ready for the pool, bathing suits, suncreen, no wait, JR wouldn't put his bathing suit on, so he started to cry, and Sarah started to cry and I really wanted to cry, so everyone took a nap. Well, the kids took a nap, me, I'm checking email talking to you.

puzzling

I have found that I needed recently to learn how to think and act more positively. Why you ask?In such a crappy (at times) world do I need to be a smilig goon with only good things to say? Two reasons - Sarah and JR. Those little ones hear and see everything you do. Even the things you don't say, they get it. The other day while doing a puzzle Sarah got so frustated and screamed "I CAAANNNT DOIT!!" I said "Yes, you can, say I CAN DO ITTT!!" and she did. We laughed and talked about how much better it feels to smile and say something good. And you know what? She did it. Again, and again and again. We definately need some more puzzles around here.

corny girl

It's summer in Jersey and you guessed it - corn all around! Sarah requests it every chance she gets, although I think she enjoys the mess of shucking (is that right??) rather than eating it. But, as long as it's cheap and a natural food, how can I refuse her?

thank god their napping!!!

My darling little loveable cuties amaze me each and every day. Oh yeah, and at night sometimes, too. Last night (actually 2:30am this morning) they both awoke FULL FORCE ready for the day. There was no lay down, relax, go back to bed. So I let my frustrations go with a deep breath and took then in the living room to watch TV at 3:30am. Thank goodness for 24 hour cable channels such as Sprout and Noggin!!! By 4:15am I was making whole wheat blueberry muffins, and by 5am had overindulged in a pot of coffee.

I'm not sure what it was that caused this, my only thought is that I kept them inside yesterday since both were coughing pretty badly and with no running playtime I think their little bodies missed the exercise they needed. Or, they are just strange little people with odd sleeping habits. Either way, as usual we muddle through the day the very best we can, being grateful since I know there are much worse things than a little lack of sleep.

color me happy

As a stay at home mom, I find you (or maybe just I) get so trapped in the childcare, the house, the wonderful hubby, all the "housy" things there are to do that you forget sometimes what makes you, well, YOU. When the kids go in for a nap and I finally get a moment to myself, I usually end up eating. No, not lunch, but a box of Cheez-Its or a pound of pretzels. After much consideration I have come to the realization that 1)it relaxs me and 2)I need to find my "happy" again.

So, I sit down and try to figure out what makes me swoon.....a yummy toasted everything bagel with cream cheese? Well yeah, but not food wise. What makes me smile? I like to be creative. So, I try to scrapbook more. I like to play around with the digital pics of the kids, so I find some playtime just for me. I get the kids to paint, color, whatever. I find I love to pick up the brush and just go. So, for now, we shall buy more washable paint in lieu of Cheez-Its and perhaps, I will even take a painting class or something. Ya know, there is a wall in my living room that needs a painting, I just haven't found the perfect one yet........

fireworks?

JR has taken to having more tantrums. You know, the one's where your out at the bagel shop, and as you leave, bagels in hand to head home for breakfast, he wants one NOW!!!!!! So, he throws his little 33 lb body onto the floor, crying, snots flying, demanding NOW!!!!! Now, of course the easy thing would be to give in and just give him the bagel, but please, I am so afraid of the future of our world now, with spoiled kids and the general feeling of entitlement that surrounds us that I just cannot bring myself to give in. So, I drag him out of the store, smile politely at the woman staring in horror at me and my child as she held open the door (Thanks, by the way!!) We get to the car, oh, have you ever wrestled a child to get him safely secured into a carseat while he screams and cries and wriggles around? That would be my workout for today.

All the while, I work up an appetite of my own and then remember - I forget to get a bagel for myself.

Happy 4th!

dance little one, dance

This past Saturday was little Sarah's dance recital, and what a crazy day! It was hot and she was not too happy wearing that "itchy, itchy dwess", but after piling on some body lotion and baby powder she was a little more comfortable. I dropped her off at the stage door of the theatre, and as she walked through the doors with her teacher my tears started to flow. Sarah, however, did not seem to mind at all that she wasn't going to see Mommy for a while, she was excited for the "big show".

Now, out of 42 dances, her class was #35, so we had quite a while to go. At intermission, hubby had to leave with my dear Mother-In-Law as we had received a call that family members were involved in a motorcycle accident. They headed up to the hospital where one of the nieces was helicoptered to, but then another family member took her up so hubby could see his little girl dance. It was quite upsetting, I'm sitting there in the theatre, crying because of the accident, crying because I don't know how everyone really is, crying because music and theaters seem to make me cry, crying cause hubby is missing it... Then he shows back up, in time to see his little darling. I have to admit, she tried, but actually got distracted by some of the girls who didn't dance.

At finale time I'm all excited, looking for her to do her part dancing up the isles and she is no where to be found. Then I realize, that one of the older dancers is holding a sleeping wee little one - my sleeping wee little one! She woke up in a daze to clap her hands and shake her booty for a second then threw up her arms to be held again.

After fetching my beloved little ballerina, we went home, finding out that everyone involved in the accident was going to be ok and the day ended very well for the little dancer and her family.

time in a bottle?

My life is not difficult. I know I am blessed with many loved ones and good health. Yes, my 3 year old can be trying sometimes, but, certainly not out of the ordinary in that department. So why is it hard for me to find enough time? Time to read the blogs that I enjoy. Time to blog about my silly life. Time to call my grandmothers and visit with friends.

At day's end I look around and pick up toys, again. I smile and count the minutes until the kids go to bed and I can do for me. What do I do? I collapse on the couch. Sometimes a book in hand, usually a parenting or cookbook to be perfectly honest.

I guess I want to know, does anyone have enough time to do all they want or need to do in a day? Or, should I just be happy when the kids do go to bed on time, the kitchen is half-cleaned, and I am able to sit on a couch that is not covered in toys?

momma's day

HAPPY MOTHERS' DAY



To all the wonderful mothers in my life, those who inspire me daily, have the greatest day and remember that you make a difference!!!







Stop and smell the flowers today.......

worry me

Yes, I am still breathing. I'm not just talking the involuntary muscle contractions that our oh-so-smart bodies do each moment bringing life to ourselves. No, I'm talking the stop-&-breathe-before-you-say (or do)-something-foolish sort of breath. The one where I stop dead in my tracks and my beautiful 3 yr old says "ok Mom, 1,2,3...." A better habit to teach her I suppose than slamming doors or screaming those good ole cuss words I love so much.

So we are breathing and yet still stressing about how the heck to handle parenting a smart a*s like mine. 3 years old and going on 14. Talks back, says no. All the things I really didn't think I would need to deal with for a while. By then, I was sure, I would have a nice little drinking regimen that I could turn to when the going got tough. No. No gin & tonics for me, just ice water thank you. A nice cold beer would be wonderful, except I would feel too bloated to breath deeply when needed. So, I read the Supernanny and the rest of the experts, and just like weight loss, it's not that I don't know what to do, it's just those nasty little habits we settle into. Like being too tired to deal with it, or worrying more about how this reflects on me than about what lesson my child might be learning.

Yes indeed, I worry, a worry-a-holic I guess would be the correct diagnosis. If there is nothing to worry about, I can create it. Maybe, after a breath and a drink I will see that we all really suck at parenting and there really are no experts - in fact, I do not think that all the "experts" have children of their own, do they???

We go by our guts, make mistakes, and move the heck on with worrying about something else.

just the facts, maam

I forget alot of things. I forget to go to the bank for hubby. I forget to call and make doctor appointments. But the most important thing I forget to do at times is breathe. Yeah, I know, it should be an automatic. Not for me. Sometimes my reactive self takes over and I start stressing and yelling, and I have noticed that at those times my brain oxygen level is way too low.

I stress about my kids, their behavior (hello, Sarah is 3 1/2 and my expectations, it seems, are way too high). I stress about my weight (women are supposed to have hips, aren't we?). I stress about my hair (getting very grey, and I made an appt for a cut, and then my friend went and got her hair cut the same way I was going to, now what do I do?).

In my reading lately, about being present and in the moment, nonjudgemental, it says to stick with the facts. So here are the facts for me today:

• Yes, my bodyfat % is higher than I would like it right now, at 25%. So, eat right and work out. Stop eating 5lb bags of pretzels and leftover ice cream cake and potato salad.
• Yes, my child acts like a 3 year old - because she is a 3 three year old. Guide her, enjoy her, and let her be a child.
• I need a haircut. So what if my friend got the "cut" I wanted. It's the style.
• I will stop and breathe before reacting.

BREATHE TODAY

crazy

Feeling "not alone" is certainly the most important thing I need at this point in our family life. It is hard when you feel like your child is the only one acting up in the room. Our children get cranky and tired by 7:30pm, there are no late parties with friends. Sarah does need more "motivation" and encouragement and it can be exhausting!! Her eyes and attention wander like crazy and keeping her focused is sometimes a challenge.

Of course, it is all worth it and when someone wonderful tells me I am not alone it makes me feel alive - of course this is not all about me, it is about their growth and childhood, their own little personalities.

This week is a little crazy, my own Mom is having surgery, JR's 2nd Bday is on Wednesday, and then the family party is on Saturday. Lots of cleaning up and shopping to do. Of course Sarah wants to get him a gift on her own, so I need to steal away some time with her too. This is definately one of those weeks that I wish I had a cleaning lady.

As we arrived at Sarah's ballet class today, I pulled into the empty parking lot and realized something was wrong. The instructors are always there first. My friend and I pulled along side each other and saw the note on the door that they were closed for spring break. I called my other friend, to let her know not to pack the kids in the car, but she was already on her way, so we all decided to meet up at Dunkin Donuts across the street.

The kids ate their donuts and the mommys chatted it up. Why, though, is it my child that acts up? Why do I end up yelling and counting to 3 to get her to listen? I feel like I am always complaining about this part of my life, and I love my kids, I do. But why do my friends all have the "perfect" kids? Maybe I need to find some girlfriends with little animals of their own? Perhaps some kids that misbehave more than my own, to ease my own mind? That's sad.

After Dunkin Donuts we said our goodbyes and headed over to Wal Mart for a few things. Why do I do this? Why do I go out in public when I am not emotionally equipped to handle the consequences? It wasn't so bad and it actually got me to reframe my own thinking so that I could handle the situation a little better. And we all know a little "retail therapy" definately helps, even if it is on the clearance rack at Wal Mart.

But then, on the way home, the kids ready for a nap quieted down and I remembered something: that sweet baby smell. You know when they are so little and even when they are sweaty they just smell eatable. So I backtracked through some pics and looked at my little Sarah 3 years ago, when she smelled sweet and acted that way too. She is still that little girl I could hold forever, although now she won't let me. She is strong now, very independant. Smart, almost too smart, she knows the buttons to push and I think I am the one learning lessons here on how to handle temper and learning to be present.

Here's to you my sweet little girl. You may just be the gift I needed to work on those things about myself, like being overreactive or quick to anger. Together we'll make it through.

According to good ole Abe Lincoln "Most folks are about as happy as they make their mind up to be". Today I will remind myself (several times if need be) that happiness comes from within. Even when JR is bouncing the billiard table balls off the wall while I try to type and Sarah is grabbing my sweater asking 100 times when we are leaving. I will smile and be happy. Even when I feel like screaming and running out the door. I will be happy dammit.

So last night I was awakened by a bloodcurdling scream and a yelp for "Momma"! It was around 2 am (isn't it always) and I ran into my little boy's room to see what was up. He had kicked the blanket off, so he was a little cold and he had also dropped the binky out of the crib. I rocked him back to sleep, but he still seemed a little upset. We rocked for about 15 minutes when he picked up his little head, opened his sleepy eyes, smiled and said "Mater." For anyone who has seen the Disney movie "Cars", it is character from that movie. He then closed his eyes and put his head back down to sleep.

I put him back down in the crib but then he was back to crying again around 3am. I just picked him up and slept with him on the couch. I just really wonder at times, what are they dreaming about? I wish I knew what had upset him so much. As we lay on the couch in the early morning, I tried to wriggle out from under his sweaty body and I realized it wasn't sweat. Yeah, he peed all over me. So, another precious moment ends in some sort of bodily waste.

thanks

Gratitude is one of those things that I try to teach my children, but have to really work at myself. Fighting what is happening in the moment seems to be my way to go. Not my favorite way to go, but my reactional way. I am trying to stop and enjoy it all a little more. The truth is, I really don't care about the dust bunnies or piled up laundry until I worry about what someone else might think. I think I tend to yell a little more at the kids and try to "reel them in" when we are out, because I am afraid of what others will think of me, their mother.

It is strange to take "everyone" else out of the equation and just go with my gut. It feels lighter and more authentic. I love to see my kids run around crazy, no inhibitions. I love to see them dig in dirt (even if it's a beautifully planted flower pot) and take in all they see with new eyes. The truth is I want to dig in the dirt and run around. That freedom, not thinking about anything but the present moment. I keep taking it all so seriously, being home, keeping house. Really, I'm here to explore with them.

light

Wake up and smell the day.
Do not think of the sunset,
the end of this time's light.

Reach into your soul and
grab the core,
the reason for which you
are here.

Run with it and shine
that light upon all you see.
Waste no more time wondering
what if or too late.

the "not so super" market

I just put the kids in for a nap, and although it is a little earlier than normal, I am enjoying the quiet.


This morning we ventured out to do some food shopping before Sarah had ballet class and early enough that the store wouldn't be crowded. Well, her "listening ears" were apparantly left home, because all the yelling I did was not enough. She ran, she stomped, she knocked things off the shelves, she pulled things off deli cases that I don't think were supposed to come apart. I threatened her with not going to ballet, no change in her attitude. Then when we got home, she went to find her ballet shoes, "No, we are not going today, you did not earn the privilege". The tantrum that ensued was monstrous, and although it would have been much easier to just take her to class, I knew that it would not be a lesson learned. So Momma needed to quick change her attitude, explain again why we were not going and let little Sarah deal with the consequences.

There are times I am prepared for those meltdown moments (the kids, not mine). That's when I can pull a toy or crayon or something magical out of my bag and change the direction of whatever is happening. No screaming or yelling, no threats. This was not today. Then there are times, like this morning, when I am trying to order cold cuts, contain both kids, and make sure that the supermarket stays in one piece. You know how we sware we won't be like out parents and be more understanding, blah blah blah.. Sorry Mom, you're awesome, but I remember how I looked at you when you were yelling and what I thought was "mean". Now, I'm the lunatic.

Oh, and you can always tell who the people are in the store who's children are all grown up, you know, the ones that see your child acting up and they just smile, that smile of "Ha ha, it's YOUR turn now."

momma's job

It rings true that you can never fully appreciate someone until you have walked in their shoes, whether they be Wal-Mart or Nordrom's. Being home with two toddlers I endlessly wonder how the heck my own Mom did it with 6 of us (three of them being toddlers at the same time!) I complain about my lack of goals and motivation, my own self pity for not feeling like I am "accomplishing" something greater than myself. Then, I need to put down the chocolate bar with almonds and realize that I am doing something now, something that in the future my kids will appreciate only when they have their own kids. sucks, huh? I sort of dig the "make-me-feel-good-now-approach", but I guess 30 years from now will have to do.

My friends and I get on the phone and complain, we feel unappreciated and really need to have our hair colored for real, not at midnight when we are too tired to really read the directions folded up in the box from Walgreens. We all complain that our husbands don't understand, but I think they really do, that's why they always have to work, run to Home Depot, or go put gas in the car, or something, anything out of the house. If they would just admit that we (the loving wives and mothers of their evil offspring), have the hardest job in the universe, we might, might, just shave our legs and cook a dinner that does not include hot dogs or orange macaroni.

And no, I truly don't think that my children are the spawn of the devil, I guess I never understood that real love was for those that can get on your last nerve and dance a jig the whole time. I also didn't know that quietly sitting on the couch at the end of the day with that tired little jig dancer snuggled up to you, his hair smelling like the sand box and hers smelling like Play-Doh, is truly the best feeling in the world.

I really don't like to go so long without blogging. Lately, though, I don't even make it into the basement, which is where the computer is. Yes, we have a laptop also, but if I bring that out the kids think it's time to play, so it's one of those moments where you just have to choose if it's worth the fight.

The kids made it through their illnesses. Sarah, however, seems to have that "asthma cough", so I am taking her to our allergist tomorrow to see what he thinks. I am really obsessed with reading about natural health, and I truly believe that your body is so capable of healing so many things on it's own. But, then when it comes to my child and her life, I just don't know what is right sometimes. Everytime my kids get sick they get a nasty post-nasal drip. It seems like the pediatrician (everyone in the practice), looks in their throats and says "Ah, sinus infection, need antibiotics." Or, they peer into their little ears, which by the way they have expressed no pain or problem with and they say "Oh, red, they have an infection, need antibiotics." I am not a doctor, but I just feel like they have been on medicine an awful lot in their toddler lives. Do I look for a doctor that might see things a little more like me, or, do I trust that the pediatricians know what they are doing? It is frightening because I certainly wouldn't want to leave my children untreated if they truly needed the extra boost, but what about the damage that all those antibiotics do to them? I already give my kids a tsp of flax oil and a probiotic powder in their juice each morning. I know it helps their immune system each day.

I am reading some books now on children and holistic health, and some of it I can take with me, but some of it is not even gonna happen in this house. One doctor suggests that children should be eating liver. Liver. Not here. I have a child who is allergic to milk and one who is allergic to peanuts. Peanut allergy boy will eat mostly anything, but veggies are a problem with both. Milk allergy girl is picky, and sometimes when you make what she does like, she still won't eat. Carrot sticks, rarely. Celery, sometimes, but I have to cut off the strings. No potatoes, broccoli or peas. Corn, maybe, depends on their moods. Oh, and they both drink soy milk, which one of the books goes on talking about soy and how horrible it is for your child and that you should never, ever let them have it.

how do you know if your doing it right?

3 infected ears
2 sinus infections
2 asthmatic toddlers
puking
fevers
aches and pains

The past week has not been fun and frankly, I need some drunken, wild night momma time. That's not gonna happen anytime soon, so I will take an hour or two at the gym working my legs until I can no longer walk up a flight of stairs. Yeah, that does actually sound good to me.

I apologize to everyone I have had to cancel plans with due to our poor little sick ones, and I'm also sorry to D who had to hear my darling little Sarah puking while I talked to her on the phone.
Thanks ever so much to my Mom and Mom-In-Law who helped out so valiently and braved the sickly germs here in our household.

Now, no one is allowed to fall ill for at least 6 months. Momma's new rule.

sick baby on isle 1

The baby has been fighting a fever for two days and this morning I knew it was time to call the Dr. They took us in right away and confirmed my suspisions of an ear infection. He had alot of post nasal drip, so she drew up a script that would help in the event of a sinus infection. Now, I am not normally thrilled with pumping my little children full of antibiotics, but he is so miserable, I trust that the Dr. is doing the right thing. Also, the fact that I do give my children probiotics each morning does reassure me.

So, an hour later we ran out to pick up the meds from Walgreens and I thought "let me just run to Aldi to get bananas and animal crackers." Basically two things he loves and that I could get with the $4 I had on me. I drive to the store and think to myself that he looks tired, but this will only take 10 minutes. I put the baby in the cart and Sarah holds my hand to run inside. As we walked in the door, little JR starts to cough, and cough and cough, then puke up all the stuff that had dripped into his little tummy. yuck, I know. I open the diaper bag - one baby wipe left. I mumble some sort of bad word to myself and try to clean him up with the one wipe and the dirty Dunkin Donuts napkins that Sarah threw in my bag yesterday. Now I realize I must get out of the store, but to get out I have to walk all the way around to the EXIT door. I mumble again.

Back to the car, kids in the carseats, strip the baby down a little to get the bulk of vomit off his skin. Now the lady in the car next to me wants to talk. Do I really look like I want to converse at this moment? Not really.

Driving home Sarah, who left the store with no arguement, wants to know if we can go back in since JR stopped throwing up and she really wants animal crackers. I tell her no and we are on our way home, to stay. We got every red light in town and my precious 3 year old daughter had every question in the book. Someone honks a horn really loudly next to me, they were being cut off by someone else (I sware it was not Me!) I snapped and started doing the "Jersey driver cursing song"(basically me, yelling and pointing saying very naughty words). Then after I stopped my screaming rampage my sweet little angel girl says "Mommy, which one is your f*&king ear?"

The left one baby, the left one.

Mother Nature is a B*&ch!!

Yes I feel a little bitter today. The day began with an awesome snowfall and some fun in the snow. Hubby and I brought the kids out early because in our area, near the shore, the weather tends to turn from snow to rain very quickly. We had loads of fun and the kids are both sleeply deeply for naptime as I type.

As for this little storm, I do have a bone to pick with you Ms. Mother Nature: Do you know how long it has been since I have had a drink and dinner and seem my friends sans childrens? Do you know that we planned this little outing over a month ago, only for you to screw it up for me tonight? No, I don't like to drive in ICE or any other element falling from the sky. I would like to have a drink or two. I NEED to get out! Do you not get it?

So listen up chicky! Next Friday - no snow, no ice, just pleasant weather and no suprises!

Thanks!

I would, however, like to thank you for the smile on my babies faces this morning. They don't mind the cold, or the wet, and they just did what kids do - had fun!

It's a bird! It's a plane! It's SUPERbaby!

It is always the simplest things that bring out the most laughter around here. Last night the kids used some small blankets as capes and we(all of us) had so much fun! Flying superheroes, or whatever the little guy thought he was, he just got a kick out it! He tried to tell us how much fun, but his words just weren't working. The look on his face and the laughter coming out of him told us all we needed to know. In fact, first thing this morning, as I lifted him out of the crib, he struggled to get out of my arms and ran over to the blanket he had been using the night before as his "cape". He ran back to me with a smile and a quick yell of something and I knew he just wanted that "superhero" feeling again.

I have to admit the best feeling about our fun last night is that it brought back such great memories of running around and saving the universe with my own brothers and sister! Feeling like a kid again is certainly the sweetest ending to a great day!

find your adventure

One warm wonderful day last week I took the kids over to the beach. We collected lots of shells (which by the way are still in my car), and danced in the sunshine. It felt so good to see them run free on the sand, no one else in sight. It was pretty windy that day, so I had to keep turning their little bodies to face downwind when the sand began to kick up, but it only added more excitement as the soft sand joined in our dance.

Where is my adventure today? I woke up not feeling well and I stole into the shower as soon as the little ones went in for a nap. That was my quiet time.
I want to see that wonder in their eyes, just like the day at the beach. I want to discover something new.

Maybe I'll get those sandy old shells out of the car and we can have our own beach adventure in the house. They could clean them off in the bathtub (water, always a big hit). They could paint them, or I could just dig out some stickers and crayons. The possibilities are endless.....

Where is your adventure today?

good enough

Balancing it all really is hard. I never really understood until I had kids, and even then, when they were newborn it was easy. If I spend the time I want to playing and teaching and doing the "Mom" thing, the laundry falls behind. If I spend the time cleaning up the kitchen, the toys in the living slowly take over. The dining room has become a holding cell for pretty much anything, my scrapbooking, crafts, and toys that get taken away from the kids. Forget the wife part. I get aggravated that at 8pm I am so tired. Last night I actually went to bed with my clothes on instead of throwing on some pj's.

I make time to go to the gym, then try hard not to eat an entire box of Ritz crackers when I finally get a second to myself. I make sure I put some make-up on in the morning, brush my hair and try to look presentable, if not just for myself. How do you not worry about the dust bunnies that inevitably show up no matter what? How do you not take it personally when hubby notices the mess on the dining room table, or the lagging laundry pile? Everyone I know seems to have the same things, I know that no one is perfect, but some people sure seem to have their shit together.

For now, my kids are pretty clean (most of the time) and we have fun. That's just got to be good enough.

between friends

Today as I was flipping through the newspaper I saw a familiar name where you don't want to see it - in the obituaries. She was a wonderfully nice woman. I used to do her hair when I worked in the hair salon years ago. She was also the mother-in-law to a friend I lost touch with long ago.

It wasn't anyone's fault I suppose. Nor did some outrageous thing happen that turned us away from one another. It was just life. It was slow and sometimes quietly obvious as missed phone calls just never got returned. Or, as I lived alone in my own single apartment, she moved on to marry and start in with the babies. Then there was the phone call to tell me she was pregnant for the second time. When I realized she was 6 months along at the time of the call, I knew something had changed between us. That closeness, that quick to call when something bad, great or indifferent had happened. Alot of things went unsaid. I felt angry about a few things. There had been an expressed dislike of the fact I had broken up with a longtime boyfriend of the time. I felt left behind when she favored other girlfriends who seemed to have more time for her.

There are moments you think about that crap over a glass of wine and think that life goes on and you're ok without those long lost friends. Then there are the times, like this morning, when you realize that other people who had a special seat in your heart at one time or another, are hurting. Perhaps my heart is still raw from losing my Pop this summer, or maybe I did yearn to just hug my friend. I thought about it all morning and then I called. Of course it took her a stunned few seconds for her to get a grip of who I was, then there was an awkard silence. I expressed my condolences. I told her I felt so badly it took a death for me to call. I told her I just really wanted her to know how much I wished I could hug her and her family and let them know I truly, truly cared. We both had a shakiness in our voices and although I know why she could have been on the verge of tears with her close loss, my tears were for something else. Lost love, I guess. The memories of how close we used to be, and how far we are now. I'm not sure, but I am glad I trusted my instincts and called, instead of mulling over it for a week. We both expressed our I Love Yous and promised to call. I guess we'll see how it turns out.

no pop for you

Yesterday actually turned out pretty good considering it began with toddler puke on the couch. She was sick all morning, then just a fever and sounding a bit congested in her head. I am hoping that the tummy thing was just because the fever started so fast, but we made sure to take the opportunity to tell her it was because she stole someone's lollipop the day before.
Yep. I was in the very crowded waiting room of the pediatrician on Monday, late afternoon, for something else. As the kids were playing, which grosses me out, all the germs on the toys and stuff, I heard this little voice say "oh, a lollipop", I turned and it was like slow motion. I jumped up and saw my precious little girl steal the pop out of another toddler hand and yeah, she stuck it her mouth. My first thought is "eeww!" Then I'm watching this kid like a hawk for signs of anything that looks like illness. Flesh eating bacteria, stomach flu... why is that child here? Should I ask his mom? We did chat a little when her younger child kept trying to steal my diaper bag. After reprimanding Sarah, she then asked if she could just have her own lollipop. "No dear." was all I could muster.

So of course, after she threw up yesterday, we made sure she understood about germs and other people's food, and so on. Yeah, so this morning I found her eating something, she said it was cereal, off the floor. Eeww.

get the puke bucket...

aah. 4:30am. Awake and very bushy tailed my little girl was ready to play. A little too ready.
Fast forward to 6am, some soy milk. Her regular fave. She hands back the cup, only half empty and asks for her dolly and Dora, and then to be covered up with a blanket on the couch.

holy shit I tell hubby. She's sick.
5 minutes later. Puke, puke all over the couch. The seat that hubby favors. He cleaned it up like a champ and promised to steam clean it tonight. He knows what I could possibly be in for today, as he leaves with a small dab of worry on his face. (but I am sure happy to be leaving the House of Throw Up Horrors.)


more details to come.

inspire me momma

inspire me momma
do not direct every scene
let me fall and find my way back up
see me jump sometimes into the unknown

inspire me momma
do not always yell first
look first
take it in and then decide
how to react, or not

inpsire me momma
be the best
so that I can look at you
and want that for myself

updates for the new yr

Packing up the tree. Cleaning up the house. Trying to be a good enough parent. These things can take up some time. Being good and faithfully going to the gym. The work out is great, but I really think that the time alone keeps me sane. I even had to buy some time at night to right in my own little private journal, so as not to scare anyone online with my deepest, darkest thoughts. Perhaps, that is why I have stayed away for too long. I think I was afraid to vomit out all of my feelings in one post.

So, Sarah loves,loves,loves the movie Mary Poppins right now, so, we watch it every day. Every day. JR loves the Bob the Builder, so we watch it every day too. He is starting to say more words lately, thankfully. Last week at his well visit (he's 20 months old now), the Dr. expressed concern that he was not speaking much more than "Ma" and "D"(for Daddy). It was not two days later when he started talking and babbling nonsense, and I sware he said "strawberry" when I made pancakes and cut up the fruit in front of him that morning. No worries with him on that I guess.

The kids are napping and I am going to take advantage of the few sacred minutes I have to read up on some of my fav blogs and have a HOT cup of coffee.