I made brownies today even though I swore to myself I would not have any treats until the party on Sunday. The weight is certainly not coming off as fast as it did after the first baby. I am certainly not exercising like I did after the first baby.

I found a cool website ( free for anyone interested in diet and fitness info ) that is pretty useful.
http://sparkspeople.com

Between my blog, Sparkspeople and http://clubmom.com I can keep myself pretty busy on the pc.

(I guess if I turned off the pc and actually did an exercise video I would be losing some more weight instead of complaining, huh?)

Identity crisis

I try to sit and remember what my dreams were for myself when I was young. I remember wanting to be a dancer or singer. I remember always wanting to write and have the world know and accept me. I also remember being frightened and always having an excuse as to why I didn't follow my dreams. Now when I try to find what it is that thrills me (except for my hubby and kids of course), I get stuck. I get into eating right and working out, feeling really good, and I think "Oh, I should be a trainer, or a nutritionist". I get organized and motivated and I think "Oh, I want to be a personal life coach". It's sometimes difficult for me to find "me" in all of the stuff around me, the housework, the diapers, the husband.
I think now, more than ever, it is so important, especially for my daughter, that I find what makes up "me". Can it be all those things above? Or, are those the things I am looking for outside of myself, for someone else to help me with? Sort of like a "doctor heal thyself" thing. The truth is I will probably never know and the only thing that does help is knowing that so many other people don't know either.

Patience

According the Webster himself, patient means :1) bearing pain or trials without complaint 2) showing self control.

Well, I am not good at either, so how do I teach a 22 month old little girl? Especially now as she has become the little mimic. I will see her slam her hand on the coffee table, of course, after I have put something down a little harder than I should have. Or, she will huff and puff, as do I. It is actually funny in a way when she does say "sh#t" and I have to loudly say " Oh shoot". She is smarter than that though. She knows what I have said, and she will repeat it for hours on end.

I find myself getting so frustrated with her at times, and the guilt eats me up. She is so smart and has the whole world ahead of her, I don't want to be the negative influence in her life. I don't want her to follow her dreams just to get away from Mom. The more I get frustrated with her, the more I get angry at myself. It is a never ending battle.

3:30am inspiration call

A few years ago, when I was single and living in my own apartment, I had what I think was a "spiritual moment". I was awakened at about 3:30 in the morning to the feeling that someone was there with me and had called my name. I also smelled this intense, flowery perfume like scent, which was comforting to me. Anyone that knows me well would at first think that I would have been frightened, but oddly enough, I was not. I felt safe. I then had the strongest urge to just let down my guard and "go with the flow" as you might say. I got out of bed and got dressed, grabbed my camera and drove down to the beach. Yes, 3:30 in the morning, on a very cold winter night I was headed to beach. I didn't know why, I just felt like I had to go.

When I arrived there, I parked the car and just sat with my thoughts for a minute. What the hell am I doing here? - that kept popping up in my head, but I turned it off long enough to just find the answer in the silent cold air. I got out and started taking pictures. Pictures of the snow on the sand, the moon on the water, and then finally, the sun beginning to rise. I couldn't wait to get those pictures developed, as those were the days before I got a digital camera, or, really even knew how to use a computer. I never felt as inspired to do anything as I did that night.

Anyway, a few weeks ago I was flipping the TV channels and ran across an episode of Montel Williams whose guest that day was Silvia Brown. She is a psychic, for anyone who has not heard of her, and she was explaining the idea of a "spirit guide" to a member of the audience. It seems that spirit guides usually visit at the same time each day ( or night). I really think that whatever I experienced that night was my spirit guide, I just wish I understood now what I was being told. Maybe just to let go and trust? Maybe to look for things out of the ordinary, perhaps a beach in the wintertime? Or maybe, I just needed to learn to be by myself and enjoy the sunrise. There are times even now, that if I am awakened at 3:30 in the morning, or am already up with one of my babies that I try to be still and listen.

Mommy woke up with a headache.
Prince Charming had a whistle.
Prince Charming gave the whistle to his daughter.
Mommy has a headache.

I am trying to slow down and remember that there is really no place more important that I need to be than right here with my babies. She is so independant ( already at 21 months, what is this, a joke?) . All I hear her say is"I, Saza do it" ( As Sarah refers to herself. ) I want her to always have that take charge attitude and faith in herself. I want her to feel strong and beautiful. I want her to see herself as a unique individual and not try to be like everyone else, or be sad that she doesn't "fit in".

I never felt like I fit in anywhere, I know I was and still am a big "dork". But the difference is, now I am ok with that. I fit in with my kids and my silly husband. Other than that, I like that I have different thoughts and see things differently than others sometimes. I find it refreshing that I might stand out in a crowd because of my ideas and creativity. I used to think that one had to be beautiful and tall and thin to do that. Now I see that my arms are strong to hold those rather large and beautiful babies of mine.

The big man " El Torso", is such a great baby. He smiles and coos and I sware he was kissing me today. As long as he can see his Momma he is happy, and that's fine with me. He's knows where it's at ( his milk, that is). He also does not seem as strong willed as his sister did at this age ( which is a good sign for my lack of patience ).

Comments

FYI - I have enabled the comments section for everyone, not just Blogger members. Just click on "comments" underneath the days entry to jot down your own thoughts..
(directions mainly for my 2 lovely Nanny's who might need a little assistance, and who's thoughts and support are extremely welcome)

"Sarah, stop"
"No"
"Sarah, don't throw your chicken nuggets"
"No"
"Sarah, leave your brother alone"
"Stop jumping on the couch"
"No"
"No more cookies"
"No more juice, you've already had a gallon today"
"Sarah, sit down in the bathtub"
"No jumping in the bathtub"
"No peeing on the carpet"
"NO NO NO NO !"

Ok, how can one amazing little girl that I love to death make me so aggravated?
What is the world record for saying "No" to a toddler in one day? One hour?

Time for a piece of cake and a quart of milk for Mommy.
Off to bed to start again tomorrow.
Screw pilates today.

I started buying some mums this week to spruce up the place. Mainly because we have the Christening coming up and I seemed to have killed any and all of the remaining summer blooms. I don't know, I just forget to water them sometimes. Good thing that kids don't need to get watered, or do they?? Well, Sarah is not starting to wilt yet and Big Man is certainly not losing any of his "plumpage".

Kurt was home this morning so we went over to Windward Beach with the kids. Sarah went up the stairs and down the slide, up the stairs and down the slide. I got to enjoy my coffee while Kurt broke a sweat running after her ( YIPPEE!! ) I, of course, left the camera in the car and missed such an awesome opportunity to get pics of Sarah walking the beach with her Dad.
Well, there's always tomorrow.

ooh, I also did an entire Pilates workout today - Yippee for me!

Why is it that some people know from the time they are very young what they want to be? Why is that some people never find their passion? So many times I have heard children say that they dream to be "whatever" it is, and for their parents or an adult to say things like " Oh, you won't make good money doing that, you should do this instead". I just think people should build their own dreams. Yes, I know that money makes the world go round, but I would rather see my children happy and stable, so what if they are not monetarily rich.

I seem to be still searching for that "thing" that makes me... well, I guess ME. It's so easy to get wrapped up in everyone else's world - the husband, the kids, the house, the problems. I want my babies to always feel supported in whatever they want to try or learn. I don't ever want them to feel badly because of my negative remarks or differing opinion. If I think hard I can remember some of the good things that people have said to me in my childhood. The truth is, I always remember the harsh and negative things that were said. Even a look can say so much to a kid who is looking in the faces of adults for some acceptance.

I look at Sarah and JR and I see such a sad world sometimes. I see danger and perverts and all kinds of things that I really do not want to deal with at all in my lifetime. I also see the chance for them to bring something good to the table. The possibility of something good. I look at their hands and think that he could invent something wonderful to help others, or that she could play beautiful music. I wonder what their passions will be??

NO SET PLAN

I took the babies to the boardwalk today to take a nice little stroll and enjoy the sun before it got too hot out. Sarah wanted to walk, and even though I knew better, I let the little girl out. She started out allright, but then decided she wanted to go on her own, to where, I have no idea. As usual I started to get upset and then, my fat little man started crying because he does not like the summer heat.

I reasoned with her at first: " Come help Mommy push JR", "ooh, Mommy needs help". Yeah, that worked a whole 2 minutes. Then I realized I was starting to get angry. Angry at a 21 month old little girl. Angry because things weren't going my way. Angry because I wasn't getting what I wanted. (starting to sound alot like a 21 month old, huh?)

I stopped and thought for a minute, I mean, what was I in a hurry to do? No other plans for the day. I always try to schedule everything to have the "perfect" day. I want to look to everyone to be the "perfect" mother. In reality, the mother who is there for her kids would let her be her own person and explore the world and all its wonders, not try to conform her kids to her own schedule, which by the way, is all the unimportant, boring and not so major things to do such as cleaning and making dinner.

I want my babies to look back on their childhood and remember a Mom who smiled and looked happy to see them. A mom that enjoyed them and all the time she was blessed to get with them. I don't want them to feel like they were a bother because I looked harried and busy and always screamed "WHAT", as if I was in the middle of something more important than them.
There is nothing more important than them.

The plan is, there is no plan. A walk at the beach is great, but I cannot have it set in my head of how long or how far. A normal day should be anything but normal. Let's see where the wind takes us and what fun we can have.

Just be.....

There is so much in this world that one can worry about. A friend to our family recently lost her mother in a car accident. That same accident has put her two small grandchildren in ICU with brain injuries that the full results of are still unknown. How do I not worry each and every time I get in the car with my kids? Don't even mention if they were to get in the car with someone else, even my own husband or mother. I guess the truth of the matter is, even when I am the driver, I can only control myself. I cannot control others. So, in thinking aloud, it seems like such a waste of time to worry about that which I have no control. If something were to happen, I know that I could handle it, I would have to.

We want to protect our children from all the bad in this world. At the same time, we don't want them jaded and twisted like the rest of us. I want my daughter to not be afraid of the dark or swimming like I was. I want my son to be brave and respectful. I can give them the best start I can by showing them all the wonder the world holds. I can teach them manners and help them see things with common sense as well as logic, but I cannot control who they are. I want them to be the best they can be, without worry of what might happen. That worry can hold you down and tie you up and never let you breathe....I want to breathe again....

Listen.....

Just hear me out:

I am the same girl you fell in love with
I am the same girl who laughs at your jokes
I am the same girl who still gets excited to see you after a long, hard day
I am the same girl who dreams about seeing the world with you
I am the same girl who knew that life was difficult but still wanted to take the journey with you
I am the same girl who wants to be noticed and admired by you.....


K- I Love You

mad about food........

For the past few days I decided to just eat when I am hungry and then stop when I am content. Mindful eating they call it.

For the past few days I have been an angry, irritable momma. Today, I just couldn't wait until 7pm when my beautiful little girl goes to bed because I just didn't have the patience for her today. Is it because I am so used to emotional eating that I never really paid attention to why or what I was eating? I suppose I will push through it to see what happens, but I certainly hope that tomorrow will be a little easier to deal with.

No longer about me

It was one of those days today that remind me that this life, right now, is not at all about my needs, but those of my children. My baby boy hates the summer heat and I tried, once more, to enjoy the sunshine and he let us know how he felt about it. He cried and screamed, and I, his own mother, could not console him. As soon as I took him into the car and the a/c, I think he actually cracked a smile.

It was not until my second child that I started learning that other people actually have needs. I suppose I have always been pretty oblivious to anyone else's needs and even with my first baby, she was so good, I could go and do whatever I needed or wanted to do, she just came along for the ride.

Now there are two little ones, depending on me, and it seems, I on them. They set the time and mood of the where and when of our day. It doesn't matter if Momma wants to stay, if little boy blue wants to leave, we leave. Either that or his screaming will make everyone else leave.

I know it probably sounds like I am complaining, but really, these little people have made me see that the world is much bigger and better than I ever imagined it to be. There is so much out there that I never bothered to see, and my tiny problems are nothing compared to the passion I now feel in helping them see the endless possibilities before them.

Just be a kid

I forget sometimes what is was like to be a kid. I am so wrapped in having the housework done and babies naps on time that I forget to just have fun.

We went over to the beach after dinner tonight and dh sat on the blanket with baby boy and I got to splash around in the crashing waves with my cute little 20 month old princess. I had so much fun, plus the joy I felt just watching her and her excitement over the whole event. Why don't we do this more often? Or the question should be, why don't I? It doesn't have to be the beach, maybe just the sprinkler out in the backyard, or make bathtime more fun..

She plays so well on her own that I take advantage of it and spend more time being busy doing other things---what could be more important??? I don't want to look back on this time and regret a single moment- I want to live in and be active with them as much as I can. I want them to have good memories of Momma playing in the sprinkler too.

Sick Days

Sick days are not the same once you have children. These tiny little people depend on you for everything and even if you have the world's worst headache, there is no time off, no rest. I want to scream " LEAVE ME ALONE!!" But I look down into her little face and know that she needs me. I see that no matter what, I am important to her.

That's funny, seeing as I really never was very important to myself. Now that life has changed and what happens at home is far more important than anything I "should" be doing elsewhere. Now, I want to eat right and lose weight, not to look "good" or to impress, but because I know I need to take care of myself so that I can be a better caretaker for others. Now, I see it is more important to take the moments as they come instead of worrying ahead of time what "might" happen.

In my own selfishness I might not have had children if I had known exactly the emotions and hard work that went into raising them. I would have missed out on so much because I always took the easy way out. I see now that the hard work is what defines us and makes us see what is possible. I wonder what else I could do if I applied the same passion to something else as I do my children. I hope that I can show them something good, so that they do not just float through life as I had for so long.

Beginnings

It seems like I am always starting things but never actually finishing them. Hopefully, I do not do this in raising my kids. At 3 and 20 months old they are the both the most joyous and most patience testing people I have ever met.

I always start working out and eating well, and never really attain my goals.
I always think about the many novels I would like to write, but never actually write anymore.
I always plan to be nicer or more thoughtful to the people in my life, but really end up back in the fog I call existing.

This is a new start for me. To think before I speak and to get down in the sandbox and get dirty.