sad snapshot sunday

My wonderful Grandpa passed away this evening while hubby and I were on the way to see him. I did kiss him this afternoon and tell him I Loved Him, so, I suppose that should be enough, but it's not. I hated seeing him in pain, I hated wishing him to get better when it didn't work. I am thinking about what to tell Sarah in the morning, yes she's 2 1/2, but pretty smart, and she will wake up remembering we were going to see him in the morning. I am thinking about my Nanny, who just lost her husband of over 55 years, and who just lost her only brother not so long ago. I have never lost someone I loved. Yeah, 32 years of my own life and I guess I should be happy to not have experienced this before, but now, I have to be a mom and I cannot just crumble in the moment.

Pop had heart surgery back before Christmas. He was getting ready to be a candidate for a new kidney. He had to go for dialysis three times a week. Then it was lung cancer. The tumor pushed aggressively onto his esophogus and he has not been able to eat for some time. He was weak and still hoping that the radiation would help shrink the growth. Friday morning he was sick when he went for dialysis and was in the hospital the rest of the day. Yesterday morning the doctor said the CAT scan done at the hospital showed that the tumor had indeed grown and there was nothing left to do, but that they could keep him comfortable with medication. It was suggested that he stop his dialysis. I took the kids to see him yesterday and hubby came with us too. Pop seemed very weak, much weaker than I had seen him in past weeks. This afternoon I took Sarah for a visit and I could see a greater change in him. He was extremely weak and very medicated. He tryed to speak, but had trouble. He was uncomfortable. I kissed him and told him I loved him and would see him tomorrow.

My Mom called this evening to tell me that it was beginning to happen. Hubby called his Mom to come sit with the kids so we could go to the nursing home. I had to. I told him I would see him tomorrow. I wanted to see him now. I wanted to hold his hand and finally see peace in his face. As we finally pulled out of the driveway and up the street, Mom called to say that he was gone. So final it sounds. We turned around and went back home since I am sure my Nanny and other relatives that were there needed to get some sleep.

I think about the smell of his pipes when I was younger. I would climb up on his recliner with the pipe rack next to it. I know I spilled some tobacco on the floor, and would always blame my little brothers. That smell always made me think of him. It always will, even though he hasn't smoked in so many years. That cherry-smoke scent, warm. We used to always go to visit them on Memorial Day. Begin the summer at the Jersey shore. My uncle would put his boat in the water and we would laze about on the deck, look over the bay and not realize that it wouldn't last forever.

your ship has sailed, my sailor man
keep fast to your destination
do not lose your way
we love you Pop

love thursday

ya just have to stop and smell the flowers once in a while Momma.........

Crappy Mom

Hello! I believe we have met before. I am Crappy Mom. I yelled and cursed already this morning at my 2 year old. And, oh yes, she has now taken to repeating the word "stupid" about everything because I was having a fit this morning while trying to snap them into my new double jogging stroller. The straps are completely, well, stupid. So now, everything she sees and does today is, well, stupid.

After cursing out my new little beauty, I grabbed the cell phone (because God forbid we walk around unplugged for 30 minutes!) and was on my way. The "stupid" straps along their shoulders allow my wiggly wonder to unharness herself. I saw her leaning all the way over and pulled myself over to the curb (because God forbid this town actually have any sidewalks anywhere) and proceeded to yell and try to fit her back in. I am quite sure the people who lived at that house were glad to hear my melodious screams at 8:30am. Anyway, I was annoyed at her kicking me and yelling "no, stupid Momma" that I gave her a little swat on the ass. As I did this, a van with two older gentlemen stopped right in front of us. I wasn't sure if it was the childbeating they thought they were witnessing, or the fact that their van, another car going in the opposite direction, and my big ole double wide did not fit in the road all at the same time. I venture to think they saw me bending over and thought "Lo-o-rdy, what in the hell....?" But whatever. So now, these two old men think I am a childbeater and everymorning when I walk and yell, they will see me and say "There's that there childbeater"(or the woman with the really large ass).

We all arrived home safe and sound to have a small snack and settle my little man into his morning nap. I took Sarah outside to do some gardening. Well, not really gardening, we rolled out these little seed rolls and poured some water on them. My little angel walked through the mud, onto my neatly folded up towel (for me to kneel on) and trampled over the actual real flowers I had planted last week. Her big Dora doll was dragged through the dirt and then I couldn't hear enough about how I needed to clean her, "No Momma, right nooowww!!!"
My dear neighbors probably heard me yell "no" more times than they would have cared to.

Ps- I am still waiting for that patience that I ordered to arrive. Can someone please track that package for me?

snapshot sunday

inspire me, little one, to see simply, play fully, and to not worry.....

coming soon : FANG

guilt. I hate that word, and yet I am so guilty of it. I say "I'm sorry" to everyone for the silliest things. My little Sarah even does this - we are in the supermarket passing by someone in the same aisle and as we pass she says "oh, I sowwy", as if we bumped to close to their space or something. She obviously thinks this a greeting, such as "hello". Well, this week I had to take my little man JR to the dentist due to a weird looking tooth in his mouth. Low and behold, she feels that it may be an extra tooth, it is growing in sideways between the front upper tooth and the second tooth. There is really nothing to do at this point, she explained, until he is a little older and will sit still for some x-rays. Sometimes, she said, it is just an extra tooth, or it could be ill placement of his regular teeth.



So here I am, feeling "guilty" as if it is my fault that my little 1 year old is going to look like a snaggletooth for an undetermined period of time. Did I drink too much milk? Was it the tuna fish I ate while I was pregnant? I did forget to take my vitamins a handful of times. It is amazing how I can place myself at the fault of any situation. The power I must feel I have.



Anyway, crooked teeth or not, he is still the most beautiful little man I have ever seen!!





I guess we'll just have to change his name to Fang for a while.......

sleepyhead

Finding some extra time in the day would be most helpful right now. Trying to fit it all in, and do laundry, and dishes, and playtime is crazy right now! I try to visit my PopPop at the nursing home twice a week with the kids, I know he enjoys seeing them so much (and of course he LOVES me!!). We will do that tomorrow. The weather has been warm so we have been going out more to the different parks, but by the time we get back home the kids are usually ready for a nap and so am I! I just worked out now because I know once Sarah is down at 8pm, I have just about enough energy to take a shower and go to bed myself. I really just pushed myself through it, knowing that it would have never happened later tonight. A nice london broil on the grill and a salad for dinner and we should have a nice, quiet evening.

(honestly, I am so tired right now, I cannot really muster up any witty thoughts, so maybe later tonight I'll come up with something better...)

love that street!

Proof that plopping our children in front of the tv once in while is good for them:

In the store yesterday, my sweet little 2 1/2 yr old start screaming at the top of her lungs "EXIT EXIT EXIT" as she pointed to the red neon sign above the back door. At least I know that when I am losing my mind and need to run for my life, my little girl can help me find my way out!

just bitchin..

Tony Blair is stepping down. Our own government needs an installment plan to pay for the War in Iraq. Now, we not only worry about our mental health, but that of our pets, do they need massage as much as we do?? The world is a wacky place. Unknown people such as me can post their own opinions online for all to see, and yet some feel that our own press is being bullied into not showing or speaking about the horrors of war overseas. Paris Hilton gets more media time than the needs of our education system, or the fact that autism rates are drastically high in our country right now. There are many homeless people in towns all around us, needing some hope, and yet, I can hardly get a smile or a "good morning" from the cashier at the supermarket ( who is lucky to have a job, whether they like or not). People complain about high gas prices, and yet love to drive their monster Navigator's all over town. Our children have a serious obesity problem and I actually read that this is the first time in history that our children's life expectancy is shorter than our own. Something has to give.

when I was not the momma

When I had a full time office job, I was good at organizing. I could organize my time very well. My desk was nice and neat, everything had it's place. I thought being a stay-at-home-mom would afford me the luxury of organization. I thought I would have the most gloriously neat closets and my bathroom sink would always sparkle. Dust would never settle in this domestic palace of love and laughter. No tears would be shed, nor did I know anything about tantrums and the will of a 2 year old. ha on me...

I truly couldn't even tell you the last time I actually cleaned the bathroom, it gets wiped down once in while though. My closets have become a haven for monstrous piles of clothes, clean or dirty. When company comes (and I get so excited when this ever happens!) everything not in order gets thrown into my bedroom closet. My closet has become a central arguement between hubby and I. He cannot understand why I have this hole of clutter. Why don't I just clean it? he'll say. As if I would rather be doing that than shaving my legs or waxing my upper lip? Hello hubby, do you not get what is important yet? Ever since I had my second little angel my struggle has been much more of a momma-don't-lose-yourself-in-this-whole-mess sort of struggle. It was much easier to go get a haircut or a pedicure with one baby. Working out, no problem with one baby. Two. Oh ma gosh. This is an entirely new ballgame that I have not trained very well for. I really hope that there are no report cards handed out at the end of this semester, because I truly think that although I haven't failed, I have squeeked by on the skin of my teeth.

Now I wonder, where did we find this "Model-Mom" to compare ourselves to? I don't really think she ever existed and if she did, she didn't have any time for friends or fun. A good mom, I am finding, knows when to ask for help or when she needs to just chill. A good mom would rather have fun running around with the soccer ball outside with her beautiful kids than scrubbing the toilet. I can always find time for the silly things, wipe over the bathroom while the kids are in the bath, fold laundry when I watch tv at night.

now, if I could just get someone to clean out my closet....

fitting it all in

I never did go to college (2 classes a few yrs ago, which I ended up dropping one of them).
I do regret it, although I try hard not to. I have some focus on the things that interest me and I sometimes feel lost in it. I am home now with two beautiful children, sometimes wanting another, sometimes cursing my own craziness. When I was a child I thought 32 yrs old sounded so, well old. Now I certainly know better and just wonder if it is too late to begin something new. To start a new career, new thoughts in a completely different field. It is scary to think about, to be the "new kid" again. But my main thought is how?? I cannot even read People magazine in the bathroom by myself, how can I take on new education? Classes? Perhaps a part-time job at a gym where I would like to be?? The YMCA perhaps? So many questions and I just don't know where to start, much less where I will end up. Can I do this, and yet still be present for my family? Too many questions and ways out of it..... To much to procrastinate about, because I think there will always be "something" there, kids, soccer games, holidays, sick family members, friends. Trying to fit it all in, is it possible to fit it all in? So instead of waiting for the perfect time, I guess I need to do something.

just not sure what yet

snapshot sunday

momma's new hot rod

Aah yes, I need another stroller. That is what I said repeatedly to hubby as I complained about the current double stroller I had when fitness walking at the boardwalk or park. It kills my back when I am walking fast and really have to push it. (yes I could have thought of it as an "extra" work out, but let's be real!) So yesterday I ordered my new little beauty and it will take a while to get here since I used the "free standard shipping" offer, but I don't mind. I will wait patiently with my scissors in hand ready to open my delicious delivery. Used to be that I got excited about a package from Spiegel or Victoria's Secret, but now, anything from amazon.com will be just fine, thank you.

uurrgghh!!!

Once in while I have a day, or a thought, or a really angry moment, where I wish I had one of those blogs that no one I knew read it. Where I was a fabulous and unknown brilliant woman with a whole lot to say. I could curse and fart ( or is it phart???? ) and not care. anyhoo, I don't. I share my thoughts with my loved ones and that's that. So, when the moment arrives where I am so worked up about someone else's insensitivity or careless remarks I have no where to go. When I am upset and want to share my feelings with the world because, well, I am right and they are completely and utterly WRONG, I have no where to go.

With that I have made a few rash decisions: I have decided to be a beacon of positivity for those I feel are lacking. I have decided I will continue to love with my entire heart and not fear for the "impending end", but celebrate the time we share. I have decided not to dwell on the negative statements and thoughts of others, but to form my own opinions and then, stick up for what I believe to be right. I will do this for myself and my children. Hubby can certainly tag along if he wants too, or I can laugh and annoy him relentlessly in the entire process.

random thoughts

It always takes me a while to recover after hosting a party. JR's 1st b-day party was this past Saturday and I think there is even still one crusty cupcake left in the dining room. (I'll save it for hubby) I get so caught up in cleaning up and putting things back in order that I lose my thoughts. I eat like crap for a few days, then come back down to reality when I start not feeling good about it. (oh yes, the grass pollen is also out in full force, so that also does not help with how I feel)

The weather man promised this morning that this entire week coming will be nice so I plan to tire the kids out with endless play and fun outside.

Momma needs a mp3 player of her very own, so that will be the "extra" purchase for the week.

Momma's "friend" should also be arriving today or tomorrow, I know this because 1) I keep track and 2)I feel as if I want to rip someone's head off and scream into the hole

So with that I will venture into the kitchen for a nice cup of green tea and perhaps I can find a little sprinkle of patience in there to last me just for today.....