clean it up!

Easter is coming, spring is in the air (trust me and my allergies, it is in the air!!) Little green tufts of the beginnings of my tulips are spilling out onto the ground outside and I feel like cleaning. Cleaning, as in taking down curtains and vacuuming deep under the beds. I just finished going through the kids clothes and ridding their closets of all the ill-fitting-but-Momma's-too-lazy-to-find-something-that-fits-properly stuff. Yes, I sometimes let my little Sarah believe that those pants are capris when they are clearly not, or that shirt is too a 3/4 sleeve!! She probably has socks in her drawer that were meant for a newborn, but I say "if it stretches, we wear it". (That pretty much goes for Momma's clothes these days also......)

My closet is always a mess, due to my trying on and changing several times before I end up wearing one of the same 3 outfits I keep rotating around.

Well, it is time to go for now, Sarah is baking me a pretend cake with some pretend pasta and I am really hoping I can have some pretend wine!!

temper temper

In dealing with old habits, I am also forced to make some new, better ones. I can sit and watch my babies play, so quietly, then, Sarah will do a "two year old thing" and I will fly off the handle. Did my own Mom lose her patience so easily with me? Why is it too easy to "forget" that she is exploring the world and sometimes not in control of herself? Why do I have expectations of her at all? That is not to say that a child should not be expected to do simple tasks, but I really am tough on her at times. Every day I try to remind myself that she is "new" to this world and I don't want to tarnish her view of it - so open and honest. I never dreamed that when I became a parent this would be my first obstacle. For me, the newborn and infant stage was the easiest. Breastfeeding, no problems. Naptimes, never easier. (Except for bedtime which was even easier for both babies!) My challenge is my own temper and impatience.

I wonder lately if I am too selfish for this mommyhood. I yearn for my own time, which doesn't even come on some days. I have hopes and dreams for myself, as well as my children. I want my marriage to remain good. I want someone to look out for me once in a while. I need to put my mascara on in the morning, lest I forget who I am. I hate the days when I look like the typical SAHM. This battle too, is something I really didn't count on when I was ovulating, and yet, I still think I might want one more child......

you can dress her up...

Ah, to be 2 wonderful years old and dress the way YOU want to dress. To not worry about what other people think and to be so in the moment that you lose track of time and all that matters is your sippy cup and a hug from Mom.

asking for your 2 cents.....

I try very hard to comment on the blogs that I enjoy reading. Sometimes it seems that someone has already jotted down what I want to say, so I don't bother. Sometimes I just don't have anything to say. But I do find that I crave for some attention lately, and frankly, a comment, good or bad would be most welcome on my little bloggies here.

I know, I know. I am a mommy now and where do I come off asking for anything?? A hot cup of coffee, to sleep in late one morning, to go to the potty alone....... I don't ask for much.

5 am, that is what time my sweet little ones woke up this morning and by this time (9am) I am ready for a nap myself. Hubby does not get it when I speak sometimes, I seriously wonder what goes on his head when I am talking. Like when I started weaning my little man and cried everytime I cut down one feeding, hubby thinks I am weird. Or, that even though I am so motivated to lose some more weight and work out, that getting up and at 'em at 4am just isn't gonna work for me, and sweatin' it out at 9pm won't either. I have a toddler who really hates the stroller anymore, and sweet 11 month old baby who loves to be held when he has the teething woes.

My life is grand, and I enjoy it when I actually stop myself from bitching and see how good things really are. But now I see how mommyhood can make you feel as if "you" are disappearing. Everything starts to revolve around the little ones, hubby's work (and the resulting stress), the housework, and trying to fit everything together and make it work. So, in order to maintain some sense of feeling that I am heard, click in a comment every now and then. I promise to do so myself.

sleep little angel, please!!

My wonderful little girl, who always slept through the night, who always went to bed without so much as a sigh, has now begun to fight bedtime, and then wake up earlier than ever! Last night, she even stomped across the house into our bedroom(at 11pm mind you) and climbed into bed with hubby and I, she just rolled over and went to sleep. As if we had just forgotten her or something. I have tried to forgo naptime thinking maybe she was just getting enough sleep at night, but by midafternoon, she is pretty much getting in her own way and needs a nap. Or perhaps it just I who needs the time off, or a nap myself. I sit and wonder, am I selfish because I crave and hour alone each day?? I cannot even wake up before the kids, because she is up by 5 am lately. Now that she battles me about bedtime each night, she is not in until 8;30pm -9pm, which is a whirlwind of difference from the 7pm I am used to. So, after cleaning up and taking my own shower, I am ready for bed myself. Ready to do it again tomorrow.

Does it get easier? Am I built for this??

Moment by moment

Today I just want to try to be more "in the moment". On the days where I don't need to be anywhere or have time constraints, I am so much more patient with my little girl. I wish everyday could be that way, but frankly, Momma needs to leave the house sometimes! Last weeks warm weather was great. We went to the boardwalk, we took our time, I pushed JR while Sarah pushed her little doll. It was so nice to watch her enjoy everything around her without rushing her and pushing her to hurry the whole time. I guess I just need to find more of that warm weather mojo each day.......

self doubt

That old friend Self-Doubt came knocking on the door yesterday. Of course, I answered. I should know to just give him a swift kick out of the neighborhood, but, being the kind hostess, I let him for an unwelcome visit. You see, I have been studying to get certified as a personal trainer. I have ideas, dreams of where I would like to go with this. Moms, families, kids, keeping healthy, fit, active. I figured I need to start following my passions, rather than just what I already "know". Well, I read a reply to a post on a mom website that I have been frequenting, and I just crashed down on myself. A wonderfully talented woman, trainer, who owns her own business(much like I would like to someday), replied to a post of mine. I read her website and was instantly moved back to the feeling of a 15 year old left out of the "in" crowd. Masters Degree, various certifications, background as a trainer to college teams. I find myself wondering "Can I do this??" Is passion enough? I have yet to go to college. I was a beautician. I worked in for an Insurance Agency. I had jobs that I just did. Not passionately. Not for pleasure, but to get the bills paid. Now, being home with my children, I can take the time to find what gets me going.

So with that, I have pushed my old friend S.D. out the door, with a note to not come back. I need to follow my heart and my heart says to stick with what I am doing. My heart also says, perhaps, that this person has come into my life maybe as a reinforcement. As someone who may have the same interests and can help along the way, not hinder as I originally let my esteem see it.

My own lil' Snapshot Sunday

my sweet Sarah

so innocent and strong
so bold and brave

you inspire me to better
you show what it is to live with no fear

happy birthday hubby

happy birthday to my delusional and oh-so-understanding-hubby!

35 yrs old, the old man, wise beyond words. He knows just when to slip in the "I luv u's" but also knows not to say it too much. An awesome father and a hubby who is learning new things alongside me everyday.

happy birthday to my best friend, sidekick, and my love......

Proper Parenting

Why is it so easy to lash out at the ones we love the most? Why, when there is a screaming toddler, a crying baby, and vomit on the floor, do momma's and poppa's then get angry with each other? How do we learn that it's not important who is right, or, even what our immediate thought is in that moment? Why is it harder to think and act with love and mentally trying on someone else's shoes?

This was not in all the baby books I read when I was pregnant.
I thought there was supposed to be laughter and fun all the time.
Giggling and gurgling.
Smiling momma's and poppa's at every turn, so happy with their little "bundle of joy".

So, yeah, I am thinking about having another one........

Love Them

How often do we think of our loved ones and how we should visit, or call? How many times do we get stuck in our day-to-day routine without telling the people we care about just how much we do care? I am trying to not make certain details of life always about "me". If a family member is sick and in the hospital, I need to remind myself that is him who is not feeling well and needs the support- not me who feels sorry for myself for not being the best supporter. It's not about me not visiting enough. They know I care. I know I am loved. It is so difficult at times to put ourselves in those shoes that other people wear to really get perspective about what really is, rather than what I am putting my own personal delusional twist on. Poor lil' ole me, right?

Today, call someone who you love, but haven't spoken to in a while. Or, just tell someone who is right there how much you care. In the midst of laundry, dishes and dirty diapers, those words sometimes seem to get lost along the way......

Can I pass the test?

My beautiful little daughter truly is my test. My patience runs dry, my voice - loudly yelling "NO" at a moment's notice. I enjoy her quick humor and the gleam in her eye when she "gets it". I love seeing her excitement at a new episode of Jack's Big Music Show, and the pride in her steps as she walks her little baby doll alongside me on the boardwalk. I try to be in the moment, but most of the time, the moment catches me as not the sweet little momma I was hoping to be. I suppose some would say it is a "control" issue. I don't really feel like analyzing it right now... I'll pay someone else to do it for her in 16 years or so.

My sweet little boy is at the age where he can't yet walk on his own, but he pushes chairs around if he wants to stay on his two little feet. I remember when Sarah was this age, when she "needed me". Now, he needs me and she only needs me to back off sometimes and let her explore the world without my scrunchy grump face getting in her way.

Some bad days

POSITIVE ENERGY***THE POWER OF POSITIVITY***THINK POSITIVE***BE HAPPY***DON'T LET THE MAN GET YOU DOWN screw the man right now.....

Yeah, it is so easy to tell someone else, but something's gotta give sometime. I am trying to find a way to make some money while being home with my two little devils, uh-hum, angels. I have been trying to contact the schmuck that sold us our new dinette set, which we had to return one chair already because it was chipped upon arrival. Now, one of the other chairs has broken. $800 for crap, basically. We probably would have been better off buying something from the deliciousness that is Wal-Mart or KMart, then at least when it did break, we could laugh at ourselves about it. $800!!!!! Do you know what I could do with an extra $800 right now!!??

Sarah is in a hitting phase and basically surprised poor little man earlier today by pulling his hair while he was peacefully nursing. Hello!? Is this child from my uterus?? I am starting to think not. Is it because I tend to yell? She must be able to tell when I say something in anger. Will I mess her up and make her hate people and think she is not good enough?? Will she be the child that every other Mom dreads for a playdate? " oh, that Sarah, her Mom can't control her....."
Or perhaps, just maybe, she is a toddler, feeling her way around life. Trying us to see the reactions. Maybe she does sense my anger is simply mirroring it back to me. Maybe I am the one who needs a time out - can I get a glass of wine with that??