bye bye cranky momma!

I have really been working on "me" for the past 3 weeks. I have been working out hardcore with a trainer and really fine-tuning my diet. I have come to realize that feeling like crap all the time is not ok or normal in any way. I took wheat out for a few days and when I had some donuts today- holy moly! My mouth got all itchy and a little while later my stomach ached and my shoulders and neck were so tense. My body felt- attacked. I have to face the facts now. I made an appointment with the allergist for next month as my first step. I figure I'll start with allergy testing first, since I seem to be ok with oatmeal it may not be a "gluten" thing, but an actual wheat allergy. This sucks, but, this is so not bad. I can live with this. I can still eat ice cream! The fact that I have not had one of those terrible headaches I usually get routinely tells me that something is definately up.

This time I have been taking for me is reminding me that in order to be the best mom and role model to Sarah and JR I need to take care of myself- this is NOT selfish. Besides, who wants a cranky old momma with a headache all the time?

balance

Balancing act- that's what it feels like these days. Trying to get my Avon business up and running, JR's asthma, Sarah's milk allergy, working out with a trainer and really taking care of myself. Ah- what is missing? Hubby. I know it's sort of a shock lately for him. Me, eating gluten-free, working out hard when I can. Focusing on me. NOT eating ice cream every night. I know that change can be difficult. This is hard for me. But I stop and think about my family and how I am always feeling like crap. My daughter needs to see a good example in me. My son needs extra care. My hubby, even though he doesn't verbalize it does need a happier and healthier me. So they are my muses, the ones I seek inspiration from.

here we go, another day

take a deep breath...

I have stick in a serious circle of frustration-&-anger. The kind that is most difficult to break free. Sick kids, hubby away, mounting cleaning-laundry-forever-cleaning-the-kitchen. Overwhelmed I guess would really be the best way to describe it. Then the kids act up and I just start right away with the yelling. Doesn't get any better that way does it?

This morning I woke up and promised myself no reacting, just deal with things calmly as they arise. I created the mess around me by putting off certain cleaning (like the laundry and dining rooms). Now I need to take care of business. Even if it sucks, because I am the grown up here and that's what I need to do.

toy hammers and toilets

I took away all the toy hammers. Really I did, quite a while ago. Because what would any normal stocky little 3 year old boy do with them? That's right, bang the walls and tv really really hard with them. Of course. Isn't that what they are for anyway? So, to my surprise as I was doing my own business in the bathroom, the kids playing nicely (so it seemed), I heard this loud, insane banging sound from the wall behind me. "stop JR", I say loud enough to be heard through the wall but not yet a yell. The banging continues, with giggling surrounding it. See, he knew he got me. I couldn't do anything from my current position. "STOP JR", I say louder, ok, I yelled. Really loud. Trying hard to finish what I'm doing, yelling at a child who is laughing at me and banging his hammer even harder now. What's a girl to do?

Hubby is away for a few days and my stress level has been maintained at "elevated". I even woke up this morning, looked in the mirror with a forced smile and said "This is a new day, we are going to have a great day!!" That lasted an entire 45 minutes until the hammer-mom-stuck-on-the-toilet-incident. So what IS a girl to do? Nothing else but a grab a toy hammer and bang away with the rest of the bunch!

allergy season

Allergy season has begun in our NJ household and the same as last year, JR's asthma is the first sign of pollination. Poor kid! Wheezing, coughing and running nose. I tried to take care of it myself but in the end had to run him over to the allergist for fear it would get worse. Albuterol, Singulair, another inhaled steroid, it's just too much. My "mommy guilt" trips me up and I just wonder WHY? why does this sweet little boy have to suffer? did I do something wrong? nutritionally or household? I know, why do I do this to myself, as if I am so powerful to create or inhibit such an illness in a child. Well, I do see it's unnecessary blame attached to myself, but I see all his symptoms and just wonder to myself- what is causing this? I am not content to just accept, in this particular situation, that this is it. I feel frustrated when I try to talk to the doctor about nutritional and supplemental support that I have read about in books and online, and then I am turned down and made to feel that that is nothing that I can do. I, as any parent, want to do more for my child and his health.

The really funny thing is that I am so concerned about his well being, and yet, at the age of almost 3, I still completely treat him like the baby of the family. He still uses his "binky" and blanky AND he's still in diapers. So really what the heck is the guilt all about anyway? Or is it just intuition and knowing when to pick the battle and when not to?

holy missing teeth batman!

The Tooth Fairy has arrived at our house! We cannot believe that at 4 years old she has already lost her first two teeth! I just keeping thinking boys, high school drama, college, cars..... the list goes on. I just want to enjoy my baby now.

The funny thing is, if you were to ask Sarah she will tell you that her brother knocked her 1st tooth out (well, sort of). She was sitting on her bed playing with her loose tooth and JR jumped onto her, all we heard her say was " something happened to my tooth Mommy", then she held it up in the air and said "Boojie knocked it out". That's her story and she 's sticking to it!

The second tooth came out a few nights later.

Hubby and I were laughing when I remembered how the Tooth Fairy brought me a quarter a tooth. Each of Sarah's teeth was worth $2. Which she promptly gave $1 both times to her brother so that he could get a donut with her. So sweet! Certainly makes a momma proud. I KNOW I did not share any of my TF money with any siblings! It is definately moments like that to show you that you are not doing such a bad job as a parent.

time me out

WE got hit with a snow storm last night, which we usually don't end up with, so we are excited. Hubby is out plowing snow since midnight and I had all intentions to get out and start clearing out the driveway so he has someplace to put his truck when he gets home later. Sarah happily began the process of dressing for the cold. JR was playing with her little handheld Leapster game, that's when I pried it out of his hands and realized he had peed through his diaper onto the couch - that's 1. As I stripped him down to change him, then proceeded to clean the couch he threw such a fit and went into an asthma attack - that's 2. He wanted nothing to do with the rescue inhaler so I had to pull out the nebulizer and sit with him for a breathing treatment.

Now the kids are hungry.

I pull out some applesauce, cinnamon toast and their soy milk. When they finish up I need to clean up.

Now I'm hungry and grab an apple and some peanut butter.

At this point they simply prefer to stay in and play Wii. What?? So I jump on Facebook to see who's on, check emails and that sort of thing. I settle in with my green tea ready to mindlessly web around. Wait- what's that? Now they want to go out - that's 3- Momma needs a time out.

lessons learned

We are set to meet up with some old friends of mine tonight. I am so excited, and yet, that "high-school angst" still kicks in. When you totally lose touch with someone, your last memories are of how and who they were then, like 11 years ago are what comes to mind. Same with their thoughts on me I suppose. I was not a very "present" person, very emotional, very ME ME ME. Boys were always drama and I made everyone around me feel it. As I prepare to see my friends, who I truly miss and love deeply I do have to remember that their lives did go on without me. They had ups and downs and who knows what else. I kind of feel like I am meeting up in some ways with new friends.

The weirdest part of it all is that I have become "mom", that is my identity now. Sarah cannot even comprehend that I have friends that she doesn't know, or that don't know me as "Sarah's mom". We make our lives, rewrite our scripts and unfortunately we sometimes leave some people behind. In surrounding ourselves with people we care about we create those villages that it takes to raise our kids. In keeping our friendships, making new ones and reigniting old ones we take the time to broaden our identity from more than "mom" or " wife" or "fitness buff". We open up to all the possibilities of who we are and isn't that what we really want to teach our kids?