thank you Jenny

I actually got to find some time lately to read a great book. Louder Than Words is written by Jenny McCarthy and is about her journey with her son through the fog of autism. As a mother of young children this has been something that always bothered me, the fact that this is getting worse for our children, the fact that it seems that no one seems to be doing anything about it.

In taking us on her journey, I was reminded of a few things myself. Faith in a higher power, trusting your gut, and finding purpose through what others might find only sorrow. A few days before I began reading the book, I realized how my negative thoughts were sometimes wrecking my day. So, in the mornings I have been making a conscious effort to sit and be thankful for all that is around me. There are some people I know who will think this is kooky, but let them suffer in their own misery. I have found more beauty in my babies and have seen my husband playing and spending more time with them. Is this because he is, or, am I just not focusing on "what he's not doing"? Whatever it is, I find myself being more joyful and smiling alot more through the day and 2-year old tantrums.

big girl

Back in the old days - March/05


A new bed for a big girl - September/07

A big girl bed! A new bed for the little girl. The toddler bed has been looking a little short for my tall toddler, so we brought down the queen mattress and boxspring from the attic. I really would have liked to buy her a new twin size trundle bed, but, this one was free and sitting in the attic doing nothing. So yesterday we went shopping to good ole Target and Sarah picked out some new sheets for her bed. She was so excited about getting a big girl bed, she even made me show her how to make her bed this morning (wonder how long that will last??)

yes, it has been a while...

When I realized that I haven't posted in a while, I also realized that I haven't been doing much in the "me" department lately. Yes I have been working out, but, due to down time and eating way too many snacks, I have gained 4 pounds. My "attitude" has been a little on the negative side and I seem to be finding only the things I do wrong. So then, when feeling badly, I end up on the couch with a box of whatever snack is available.

So now that my "break" is over, I need to see things again in the "right" light. Off for a good nights sleep to enjoy some more adventures ( and no more cookies! ) for tomorrow.

secrets of the universe

Yesterday as the kids were napping I indulged in renting myself a movie and eating an entire sleeve of yummy Ritz crackers. As "The Secret" was coming to an end ( ok, not really, there was about 25 minutes left) Sarah woke up and wanted some attention.

Didn't this child know I was into something important here?
Did she not realize that I was learning the secrets of happiness and bliss straight from the universe?
Could she not hold off her screaming until I was done with what I wanted to do?

of course not.

And so my negative energy gave in and an arguement ensued. Me, the adult. Her, the 2 1/2 yr old child. Even today I found myself perhaps nitpicking and having a somewhat negative tone with her. This is my baby, my daughter who I would give my own life for, for whom I painfully pushed from my body and couldn't let go of in the hospital lest I miss a second of her sweet breath. How could this have happened? I really don't get it sometimes. The funny thing is it always seems to happen when Momma's not getting her way. I think I might need a time out.

papa's new ride

this is what happens when ya leave the baby with hubby and the new truck...

and for those people who want to call Child Protective Services or something, the bottle is empty and yeah, we thought it was funny.



and here is little girl checking out the sunroof...

are you there god? it's me, momma

Dear God;

I do have a few questions I would like answered and faith isn't really gonna cut it right now. For instance, when I do lose my patience (daily) and get snippy with my almost 3 yr old daughter, am I screwing her up for life and teaching her the way of anger? And is cursing, like the F-Word and shit and stuff, is that really a sin? Because technically it is not taking the Lord's name in vain, so I wondering if I am losing points in that department as well. Is it a bad lie when that same toddler hears the rustle of a cookie package (with dairy so she cannot eat it due to food allergy) and I tell her it is nothing? (as I stuff my face....) Oh, and by the way, I haven't been over to visit in a while, and frankly, I couldn't handle myself or my little darlings in Shoprite today, so I'm feeling that your house is out of the question for the time being (even if it is not a sin, I just might start yelling out those F-Words). Who is Time-Out for really? Because somedays I would like to be sent to my room for about 3 hours.

I guess my big question is if I just let it all go and surrender my yearning for control, will it be ok?

really, you can answer at anytime (preferably quite soon)

Thanks
Talk to ya soon.

delusional momma

hold on

I see your energy. The possibilities in front of you are endless. I see your yearning to jump out, past the rocks, into the bright unknown. For now, my job is to let you learn your own beauty, your strength. Someday, my sweet girl, I will let you go past the railing, the rocks, the boundaries, and allow you to find your own place. I promise you nothing but laughter and love. You teach me patience and unconditional love. Your curiosity and wonderment are where I would like to be again.

baby steps

I find that most of my own tantrums stem from my impatience and that fact that I sometimes forget that little Sarah is only 2 1/2. I will stand at the sink doing dishes and say something like " Ok Sarah, let's start cleaning up your toys " or " come on, let's (fill in the blank) " All the while I continue to do whatever it was I was doing, expecting her to just jump up and do as I command. Being in the moment is really much harder than I ever expected it to be. Stopping myself and taking in each little minute. Realizing that if I cannot control myself sometimes, it certainly must be harder for someone at the tender age of 2.

Patience, doing unto others as I would have to me, self-love - these are all the things I myself struggle with daily, and now I find more motivation to work on it so that I can truly show these to my children. One day at a time? I think One Moment at A Time, for now at least.

funtime

It was a beautiful day at the park. I just had a great work-out at the gym, the kids thoroughly enjoying the kid's room there. I had packed a lunch and we went over to the park to play for a while. Around 11am Jr was getting cranky and we started in on the yogurt, pretzels and bananas. Crankiness turned to screaming and off we went for naptime at home.

The drive home was, well, interesting. All of a sudden my sweet little girl turned into a screaming, kicking animal who uttered noises I didn't know were heard any other place than the zoo. The screaming continued for an hour. Yes, an hour. 60 minutes of pure fun. I first tried to reason, then started to get louder with my own voice, turned into a full on scream, then yes, I smacked her leg and hurt my hand on the carseat. While home I finally just let her scream it off in her room. When the beast, I mean, Sarah, finally fell asleep I had to creep in and gently kiss her on the wet, teary cheek. My sweet little girl, who I both love and battle daily.

hail to the blanky!

It is wonderful when your sweet baby has a comfy little toy that soothes his every little tear. So great when that magical little something just does it for him. Not so wonderful, however, when that soft little cuddly goes missing. A crying child who has trouble taking a nap. A scream so terrible you would think that his own Momma went missing.

I don't know where it went, that precious little bear, but above you will see the replacement, close enough to the original that JR only threw it back at us once before cuddling up and cooing. He ran his chubby little fingers along the ruffle, a new addition, and didn't bat an eye. After scouring the supermarket parking lot and the stranded shopping carts and calling the courtesy counter several hundred time, we opted for a replacement. Thank you Kohls for having one left.

WTF????

Since we took Sarah off all dairy I thought we were ok. The past few mornings she has been vomitting each day. I don't understand. Could she possibly have a sensitivity to soy as well? That is the only thing that has increased in her diet. I have not given her the Zyrtec or Nasonex nose spray for a few days because I have to follow up at a lab with a blood test. The doctor wants to check her allergy level to the milk in her blood and she cannot have any antihistamines in her system for a few days. It is definately mucus (sorry, TMI). I just want my daughter to have a healthy start. I want to figure out why this is happening now. I guess I will go to the bookstore today and look for some more "dairy free" cookbooks, as well as online info. Maybe there is something I am doing wrong.

summer saturday

This morning we got up and at 'em early: a nice walk for Momma at 6:45am (hubby did a good job with his selection on the MP3 player, I ran most of the way!!) Then at 8am we went over to the other side of town to visit some friends who were having a yard sale. My friend L is wonderful and tried so passionately to dump, I mean lovingly give, unused toys and such to my wonderful little babies. We ended up leaving with a book, 2 small toys for the baby, a pair of Spiderman sandals (for the baby as well) and a very loud Sesame Street saxaphone that apparantly does not have an off switch - thanks a bunch L!!!

I was inspired however to perhaps throw my own little yard sale soon. We have so many baby clothes and things packed in all kinds of corners in the house, old kitchen gadgets, blankets, movies. Every few months when the kids outgrow things I am simply squooshing large and tightly packed garbage bags on top of one another. I had thought about Ebay, but to get a postage scale and sort everything out would be such a pain in the neck. I do have two small children I am supposed to be spending time with. So I guess I will see if hubby will be around next week to help me with an all out, sell-my-junkfest.

milk does not do all bodies good

Recently Sarah was diagnosed with a Milk/Dairy Allergy. It was something I had suspected all along, but it has been confirmed and now we need to go completely dairy free for her diet. She had been drinking soy milk and eating soy yogurt. Now, we need to eliminate everything that has anything dairy in it. For anyone who knows, this is a alot of things. Her health, of course, is the most important thing to us and anything we can do to make it better for her is our priority. As I learn more about this and try to change some of the foods we even bring in the house it is quite enlightening to see all the things I had been giving her that did include these things. So for her, this means I need to make sure to bring allowed treats with me at all times, no ice cream (except for soy) and no cakes or cookies or snacks unless I know for sure that it is ok.

I have to admit, I had done alot of reading on food allergies and hyperactivity and there were studies done that showed that a majority of the children tested had dramatic changes in hyperactive and attention deficit behaviors when the allergic food was removed from their diet. But alas, it seems that my child is just a 2 1/2 year old that did not comply with that theory. So I will also learn to embrace her independance and encourage her curiosity, even when I am aggravated and try to get her to listen to simple requests such as "come here" or "stop". Life sure is interesting with a toddler (well, actually two of them...)

catching up

This past week Sarah got her first pair of ballet shoes. It was very exciting for her and she wears them all the time when we are home. All the time. It is so inspiring to watch someone with pure passion just enjoy what she is doing. I know that I get so caught up with things that I forget to just enjoy the moment.

As a parent I certainly did my share of learning lessons this past week also, for instance:

• The phrase "Don't cry over spilled milk" was not meant for the child, but for the over-the-edge-parent.


• Spaghetti is much easier to vacuum up after it has crusted up and dried to the floor, rather then while still sticky and fresh.


• Tantrums are contagious, for all involved.


• It is ok for Momma to work out or nap or whatever by herself, it makes for a much better home.

take the wheel

For so long now I have let my children set the mood of the day. If Sarah is tired and cranky, I end up cranky and yelling. If JR is squirmy and not his usual happy self at that same time, well, Momma just tends to throw in the towel. Cook me, I'm done. I realize that my reaction to this wee toddler is what sets the tone, not her oh-so-normal outbursts of unrestraint and spitfire energy.

I am the adult.
Me, I am the one in charge, not her.


Yeah, easy to think of after the fact, but when at the public pool and the baby is tired but fighting sleep and Sarah is also too tired to even think of controlling herself I tend to lose it. Here I was, two tired kids, only 1 hour into the thing and I was already packing it up. In the moment, I knew that it was better to just get them home then to fight with her. Once we got to the potty, did our business, went to the car where I changed the baby and was on our way I was assured from the kick to the back of my seat that I had made the right decision. We made it through the drive-through at Mickey D's and before I knew it they were both asleep. Quiet.

Yes, I can turn off those drasted Wiggles...
sorry guys.

I made it home and ate my salad with the kids sound asleep in the car (parked nicely in the garage within earshot) and that was a good salad. Maybe because I actually ate it while the chicken was still warm, or maybe because I got to eat slowly and enjoy every little bite. Either way, I guess there are times when you just know that it is better judgement and not throwing in the towel to make a quick getaway and who knows, you may even get to eat your lunch in peace.

Now I just hope that our new friend who is now pregnant with her second child doesn't get scared away from the craziness that can be a playdate with us.

blooming

Recently we had lost my Grandpa. As the summer sun has set it sights on warming us all over, it also has blossomed the beautiful sunflowers that he loved so much. My Nanny, the children's GG (great-grandma) was so proud to show off her wonderful blooms today. She has found her own little patch of sunshine, a smiling village right in her backyard. Pop loved those sunflowers, she said. They actually grew where she had a big bowl of birdseed and the birds seem to pick out what they want and throw the sunflower seed into the earth below, perhaps to enjoy the golden yellow stalks too, who knows really. Anyway, as they all face the sun, as sunflowers do, Nanny pointed out that one did not. This one simply stared at the house, somehow giving us comfort with it's raggedy top and content face. I know that Pop is watching out for her, watching over the house, watching where we gather as a family to love, to mourn, to sit in silence. He is there in that wrong way sunflower, he is there in his chair and at his desk. The one thing that saddens me is that although I can make sure that my children know him by face, in photo, they will never really know him like I did. My job is to take those things about him that I cherish and pass them down, to connect those most important people in my life.

the fruits of our labor

Sarah was so excited to find a red tomato on her little patio plant this weekend. She has told me that she will eat it, however, this is a child that will not eat pizza because of the red and who eats spaghetti with butter and cheese because she doesn't like the sauce, so we shall see.

The weekend weather was absolutely beautiful and we enjoyed a barbeque for a friend's son on Saturday and a show on Sunday(sans kids), with dinner outside at the Irish pub we like to go to afterward. Momma had two very large, delicious, cold beers and was a wee little buzzed on the way home.

We woke up today to sound of the summer rain on the roof, so we will probably just do our Costco shopping, which the list is quite large this week. It usually takes me all day just to put everything away after getting everything that we need there - in fact, hubby would chime in that I usually leave some stuff right outside on the garage floor since I know I will need it anyway.

so here's to shopping and finding very large bottles of apple juice and crates of diapers.....

dream it

Right this moment I looked over at my little girl to catch a glimpse of what she was doing : dressed up in a very large, baby blue colored princess dress she is swinging a Dora baseball bat yelling home run. Then, as she runs, she tries to fix her little orange plastic pumps and prances around the bases. That is what I want for her, to have all she needs. The fun, the pride, to not worry about what others "might" think or say of her. I want her to dream big and live bigger. I want her to trust her gut and do the right thing. To help people and be compassionate. To work out because it is good for her body, not to get to the perfect weight. To eat healthy because it feels good, not to deprive herself or try to attain am image we are "told" is the standard.

hey, wait, am I talking about me or my little girl?

snapshot sunday

I really need to try harder to see the world as my little girl does. Nothing is as important as that cup of cold juice and watching "Little Bear" on tv. Bugs and anything moving around outside is "coool Momma" and splashing around in the pool is the best part of the day. Yesterday we spotted quite a few butterflies in the backyard while we were outside painting, so we decided to go "hunting" for some pics.

teach me some more little girl, show me where my patience lies.......

temper, temper

I was recently watching a new mother walking the neighborhood, pushing along her little darling. How quiet, how peaceful. I remember when Sarah was younger and everyone would comment on what a good baby she was, how I will never get another child that well behaved. We would go to friend's houses and everyone was shocked at how nice she sat in the stroller without fussing for longer periods of time. Or how she was sweet and noticeably smart she was. I was the proud Momma of a good baby. I was appalled at the mothers who seemed to have no control of their children, whose kids threw embarrassing tantrums, right there in front of everyone!

Fast forward to my sweet little girl at the age of 2 1/2.
Tantrums, fights, even trying to make a deal here and there: "Momma, how 'bout only 2 minutes in time out, ok?"

Last night we tried for a short walk around the block after dinner. This ended with me and hubby passing her back and forth, football style, after she threw herself on the ground kicking and screaming. Then she pulled my hair and injured my breast. So the three minute walk ended with a time out and some chocolate. (the chocolate of course being for me)

snapshot sunday

this pic is back from March/07 and my little girl already is looking older, but, still my baby....

oddities

Things heard 'round the house this past week:

• "Sarah, we do not touch anyone's penis, ever" (bathtub incident)
• "Yes little man, I know you have feewings" (as she tried to comfort her brother, not about the penis thing....)
• "Mommy, I need to go in the pool and earn my wrinkles" (about her cute little fingers)
• "Oh my God! Oh my God! He is in tr-o-u-ble!!! (about her little brother knocking her castle over)

snapshot sunday

where did all the chocolate ice cream go?

now, could someone please come and clean this kid up?

tell ya what I want, what I really, really want....

Actually, I will tell you what I don't want- I don't want an iphone. I didn't want to see the line of people waiting outside the local cellphone store all day, including the woman holding an infant, just to be the first to purchase said phone. I read in our newspaper this morning that this young man said he waited on line because his friends were talking about it and he didn't want to miss out. I'm sorry, were they only being sold for one day? I don't get it. Now, this gives bad drivers one more thing to play with while they should be paying attention to the road. There is no alone time anymore, we are always "plugged in".

Of course I want my children to have the things they need, like food and shelter and some toys. Art supplies work very nicely in our home. Books, even better. But we are so material, and it just seems to get worse by the minute, we are fed into this idea that we "need" these items that are really extras. I am a SAHM, do I really need a cell phone? Honestly, it is a luxury. I like it, but could do without it if I needed to. Like, now I want to look into the dance school for my daughter, cancelling my cellphone will probably offset that cost of the dance class, seriously. I suppose I want my kids to understand that they are not the rich Hollywood celebrities that are plastered all over the media and know the difference between needing and wanting something.

what momma really wants - a quiet day alone at the beach with no cell phones blasting rap music and no screaming kids - now that would be a luxury!!!

Love Thursday

The calm that you possess
There are no worries in your eyes

Your hand reaches out to hold
To jump right into life

No fear, no second guessing
Just your gut instinct

Free from deep sorrow
Free to enjoy it all

Live it
Love it

naptime shmaptime

The one thing that I have learned (out of many) from parenting two little tots is to go with the flow. Before, I thought a schedule was a set thing. Naps at a certain time. Lunch at a certain time. In reality, as my babies grow and teeth and learn to walk, it seems that their "napping needs" tend to change. My little man is now sleeping in a little later in the morning, but that means that the morning nap is pushed back later, and then, the afternoon nap, pushed back even later. I am losing that special time where they actually nap at the same time. Poor me, right?

I do find for me to get anything done, Momma does need a sort of "scheduled time". Like, that "special napping time" they shared was for cleaning around the house. oh, well, I guess someone else is gonna have to do it!

snapshot sunday

mugshots of the always guilty, but very cute ( hey, I'm their Mom, of course I think they're cute!)

enjoy the moment

Today I will just relax and enjoy my children. Every little chicken nugget and Cheerio on the floor will be celebrated and I will just flow......

New realizations about my own quirks have brought me down to just want to be with them and not worry about the stupid things that don't really matter. The crap like feeling "not good enough" that enters my brain and ruins my day. The stupid thoughts that fog my great moments with my babies.

So with that, the computer is going off for the day and we are off to find some rainy day fun.

aaarrrggghhh! the mommy monster

So far this morning I have Googled "patience", "parenting", "patience in parenting","patience with toddler" and "how to not run out of the house screaming like a lunatic". I still have no answers. I have about 10 minutes of sanity right now as JR is napping and Sarah is watching a show. wait, here she comes.....

Allright. So, we woke up at 5 am, breakfast, walked, did pilates and fought. The entire walk all my darling daughter did was bitch. I didn't think that this would begin for another, say, 11 years?? She kicked her brother, drew on her entire body with a very bright blue crayon and hit me.

I am tired and sick of feeling like I suck at this. We are supposed to have lunch with my 2 friends today, but honestly, I cannot leave this house feeling like I want to pop my little ones head off. How can I sit in a restaurant with my little monster? I really have no appetite. I look around and see Mother's who are so good at this. Doesn't anyone else get mad? Are there any other Mommy's out there who just get fed up? I love being home but I wonder sometimes if it would be better for my babies if I worked outside the home? I have not located the patience or skills yet to raise a toddler. Time-Outs only work sometimes. Then we end up smacking her on the butt for hitting her brother? It doesn't make sense to me, how the hell is going to teach a young child the correct behavior?

I know that tomorrow is another day and today's rush of evil emotions will pass, but, well, now I have screaming toddler on my keyboard and have to finish that thought later..km,agjakgjl;

my personal heaven

There are those days that I am so glad to be home with my babies. Everything falls into place. I do not yell. No one ends up in time-out. I only vacuum once. We play outside in the warm sunshine, splashing and laughing. Then, Sarah waits until I turn my around to dead-head some flowers and she pinches her brother, continuously until I turn to see what is going on. She screams at me and runs away to the other side of the yard. Then, I see that it's in my hands right now how this will all turn out. Why can't I just stomp and yell and scream? Why do I have to pick everything up myself? I want to scream. I want to yell. I don't feel like a parent at this point, I feel like a 13 year old girl who thinks that this arrangement is not fair. What do I get out of this? Then as I scoop her up in one arm and little JR in the other, she looks at me and says, "Mommy, I need to go in time-out now" All the while she is kicking and yelling and acting just like the two year old that she is. Instead of my normal fight-or-give-in, instead of yelling, I just place her in time-out for the allotted 3 minutes and start to make her lunch. After the timer goes off she scurrried over to the table, ate her lunch and informed that she needed a nice, long, nap now. All is right in out world.

So, with both babies sleeping, what does Momma do?

I cooked up a bag of 94% Fat Free Butter Popcorn in the micro and doused it with some REAL butter. That's lunch for today.

snapshot sunday

dazed and confused......

wrong answer!

I used to have a good friend. We lost touch as people sometimes do. After having children, I grew up and realized it didn't matter whose fault it was or whatever it was about. I was going to call, write, but never did. So, the other day in Costco, as I was waiting for Hubby to finish at the Customer Service desk, someone walked up to me, waving the whole time. It took me a minute to figure out that this was the Best Friend of my Old Friend. We chatted quickly and talked about our children and a few other small talk thingys. We said good bye and I felt the sweat pouring off of me. I looked terrible. No make-up, my shirt had a stain on it, and I do think I had peanut butter in my hair. Oh yeah, although I am only about 15 pounds more than when we used to hang out, I look about 45 pounds overweight. As we walked out of the store, Hubby asked about her and who she was. I gave him a quick background and then said
" God, I look so fat, I cannot believe I ran into her today."

guess what Hubby said:

a) Babe, your are beautiful and definately not fat!!!
b) Fat?? Fat?? Honey, you are so not fat!
c) Well she wasn't that thin.

yeah, I got c) when at that moment I was crying out for an a) or a b) or both!!!

Do they ever learn??

snapshot sunday

these are the smiling faces that make me want to be a better woman, wife and friend

their little eyes see so innocently, unjaded, that I bring myself down to the floor to see the world from their view

it is then I can see the possibilities and the goodness in the world

one more?

This past week I was very sure I was pregnant. I was tired, sick, my chest ached and my "friend" was late. The smell of my daughter's apple juice actually made me throw up. I was excited about the thought of a new little soul coming into our family. The only thing that didn't agree was the home pregnancy tests that I took (quite a few over the past week and a half). But my gut told me I was pregnant. Well, late yesterday afternoon my "friend" arrived, quite painfully and very furiously and now I am sad. Disappointed would be a better word for it. I am good at being preggers. I was at my best. I walked every day. I ate healthier (just add the ice cream daily, please.) I felt good, I talked more positively to myself and others. I felt, well, useful. Now I still felt nauseated this morning and hubby will sware it is all in my head, which, it very well could be. You see, hubby is very content with out family "as is". Of course I am as well, but, I still see no reason to deny another little soul a place in our hearts and home. Yet I am still sad, wondering now, where should I focus my energy. If I bulldoze my way into hubby's face and insist on another child, it begs for an unending arguement. It would seem to be some definate negative energy. But, I am scared, if I move the heck on and focus on other things, perhaps, my own personal goals and projects, will I be ok that this falls to the wayside?

This morning I trolled around the house watering some plants, which I usually forget to do. As I passed by the dining room window something caught my eye. Several weeks ago Sarah and I planted an avacado pit for her to grow her own plant. Because it is in a room that we don't use daily, we forgot about it. It got watered sporadically and recently I remember thinking to throw it out when she wasn't looking since it had not done anything. Today I saw a two inch sprout sticking out of the dirt. Even with not too much attention, this seed had found a way to do what it was supposed to do. I immediately remembered all the passing dreams I have had for myself through the years. Some had just disappeared, but some, like the seed in a sunny window, had found a way to happen with the right help. I realized today that I need to find that thing that I am supposed to do. That thing that will come naturally for me. Maybe we will have another child, maybe we won't. But I certainly don't want that to be what defines me. What I want my children to learn from can't be something I just tell them about, it needs to be something I can show them in my own actions.

code word - get the heck out of here

I have found that with a toddler, things can get ugly pretty fast. Hubby and I have been leaving get-togethers and such early due to toddler tantrums and our inability to deal. She gets out of control, we snap at each other, an arguement ensues. I know in my heart that we are not the only people who have ever dealt with this situation, but when I look around sometimes, it just seems like all the other moms around me have their shit together. They don't seem to lose it at the drop of a dime, they don't yell at mediocre things.

So, I have come up with the idea that we need a code word for that special time of 2 1/2 year old chaos. Once one of us utters the "word" then we just pack the bags and go, no fights. So, what should that "word" be?

aftermath

This week has been emotionally exhausting with the loss of my dear Grandpa. My children will only know him through me, so I will do my best to keep him alive in our hearts. We have gathered together as a family and here are some pics of my kiddies doing exactly what their Great-Grandpop would have been doing - sleeping and looking out over the water.




hold your loved ones for an extra moment today, take in their smell, their love
find the peace of knowing to love and to be loved....

sad snapshot sunday

My wonderful Grandpa passed away this evening while hubby and I were on the way to see him. I did kiss him this afternoon and tell him I Loved Him, so, I suppose that should be enough, but it's not. I hated seeing him in pain, I hated wishing him to get better when it didn't work. I am thinking about what to tell Sarah in the morning, yes she's 2 1/2, but pretty smart, and she will wake up remembering we were going to see him in the morning. I am thinking about my Nanny, who just lost her husband of over 55 years, and who just lost her only brother not so long ago. I have never lost someone I loved. Yeah, 32 years of my own life and I guess I should be happy to not have experienced this before, but now, I have to be a mom and I cannot just crumble in the moment.

Pop had heart surgery back before Christmas. He was getting ready to be a candidate for a new kidney. He had to go for dialysis three times a week. Then it was lung cancer. The tumor pushed aggressively onto his esophogus and he has not been able to eat for some time. He was weak and still hoping that the radiation would help shrink the growth. Friday morning he was sick when he went for dialysis and was in the hospital the rest of the day. Yesterday morning the doctor said the CAT scan done at the hospital showed that the tumor had indeed grown and there was nothing left to do, but that they could keep him comfortable with medication. It was suggested that he stop his dialysis. I took the kids to see him yesterday and hubby came with us too. Pop seemed very weak, much weaker than I had seen him in past weeks. This afternoon I took Sarah for a visit and I could see a greater change in him. He was extremely weak and very medicated. He tryed to speak, but had trouble. He was uncomfortable. I kissed him and told him I loved him and would see him tomorrow.

My Mom called this evening to tell me that it was beginning to happen. Hubby called his Mom to come sit with the kids so we could go to the nursing home. I had to. I told him I would see him tomorrow. I wanted to see him now. I wanted to hold his hand and finally see peace in his face. As we finally pulled out of the driveway and up the street, Mom called to say that he was gone. So final it sounds. We turned around and went back home since I am sure my Nanny and other relatives that were there needed to get some sleep.

I think about the smell of his pipes when I was younger. I would climb up on his recliner with the pipe rack next to it. I know I spilled some tobacco on the floor, and would always blame my little brothers. That smell always made me think of him. It always will, even though he hasn't smoked in so many years. That cherry-smoke scent, warm. We used to always go to visit them on Memorial Day. Begin the summer at the Jersey shore. My uncle would put his boat in the water and we would laze about on the deck, look over the bay and not realize that it wouldn't last forever.

your ship has sailed, my sailor man
keep fast to your destination
do not lose your way
we love you Pop

love thursday

ya just have to stop and smell the flowers once in a while Momma.........

Crappy Mom

Hello! I believe we have met before. I am Crappy Mom. I yelled and cursed already this morning at my 2 year old. And, oh yes, she has now taken to repeating the word "stupid" about everything because I was having a fit this morning while trying to snap them into my new double jogging stroller. The straps are completely, well, stupid. So now, everything she sees and does today is, well, stupid.

After cursing out my new little beauty, I grabbed the cell phone (because God forbid we walk around unplugged for 30 minutes!) and was on my way. The "stupid" straps along their shoulders allow my wiggly wonder to unharness herself. I saw her leaning all the way over and pulled myself over to the curb (because God forbid this town actually have any sidewalks anywhere) and proceeded to yell and try to fit her back in. I am quite sure the people who lived at that house were glad to hear my melodious screams at 8:30am. Anyway, I was annoyed at her kicking me and yelling "no, stupid Momma" that I gave her a little swat on the ass. As I did this, a van with two older gentlemen stopped right in front of us. I wasn't sure if it was the childbeating they thought they were witnessing, or the fact that their van, another car going in the opposite direction, and my big ole double wide did not fit in the road all at the same time. I venture to think they saw me bending over and thought "Lo-o-rdy, what in the hell....?" But whatever. So now, these two old men think I am a childbeater and everymorning when I walk and yell, they will see me and say "There's that there childbeater"(or the woman with the really large ass).

We all arrived home safe and sound to have a small snack and settle my little man into his morning nap. I took Sarah outside to do some gardening. Well, not really gardening, we rolled out these little seed rolls and poured some water on them. My little angel walked through the mud, onto my neatly folded up towel (for me to kneel on) and trampled over the actual real flowers I had planted last week. Her big Dora doll was dragged through the dirt and then I couldn't hear enough about how I needed to clean her, "No Momma, right nooowww!!!"
My dear neighbors probably heard me yell "no" more times than they would have cared to.

Ps- I am still waiting for that patience that I ordered to arrive. Can someone please track that package for me?

snapshot sunday

inspire me, little one, to see simply, play fully, and to not worry.....

coming soon : FANG

guilt. I hate that word, and yet I am so guilty of it. I say "I'm sorry" to everyone for the silliest things. My little Sarah even does this - we are in the supermarket passing by someone in the same aisle and as we pass she says "oh, I sowwy", as if we bumped to close to their space or something. She obviously thinks this a greeting, such as "hello". Well, this week I had to take my little man JR to the dentist due to a weird looking tooth in his mouth. Low and behold, she feels that it may be an extra tooth, it is growing in sideways between the front upper tooth and the second tooth. There is really nothing to do at this point, she explained, until he is a little older and will sit still for some x-rays. Sometimes, she said, it is just an extra tooth, or it could be ill placement of his regular teeth.



So here I am, feeling "guilty" as if it is my fault that my little 1 year old is going to look like a snaggletooth for an undetermined period of time. Did I drink too much milk? Was it the tuna fish I ate while I was pregnant? I did forget to take my vitamins a handful of times. It is amazing how I can place myself at the fault of any situation. The power I must feel I have.



Anyway, crooked teeth or not, he is still the most beautiful little man I have ever seen!!





I guess we'll just have to change his name to Fang for a while.......

sleepyhead

Finding some extra time in the day would be most helpful right now. Trying to fit it all in, and do laundry, and dishes, and playtime is crazy right now! I try to visit my PopPop at the nursing home twice a week with the kids, I know he enjoys seeing them so much (and of course he LOVES me!!). We will do that tomorrow. The weather has been warm so we have been going out more to the different parks, but by the time we get back home the kids are usually ready for a nap and so am I! I just worked out now because I know once Sarah is down at 8pm, I have just about enough energy to take a shower and go to bed myself. I really just pushed myself through it, knowing that it would have never happened later tonight. A nice london broil on the grill and a salad for dinner and we should have a nice, quiet evening.

(honestly, I am so tired right now, I cannot really muster up any witty thoughts, so maybe later tonight I'll come up with something better...)

love that street!

Proof that plopping our children in front of the tv once in while is good for them:

In the store yesterday, my sweet little 2 1/2 yr old start screaming at the top of her lungs "EXIT EXIT EXIT" as she pointed to the red neon sign above the back door. At least I know that when I am losing my mind and need to run for my life, my little girl can help me find my way out!

just bitchin..

Tony Blair is stepping down. Our own government needs an installment plan to pay for the War in Iraq. Now, we not only worry about our mental health, but that of our pets, do they need massage as much as we do?? The world is a wacky place. Unknown people such as me can post their own opinions online for all to see, and yet some feel that our own press is being bullied into not showing or speaking about the horrors of war overseas. Paris Hilton gets more media time than the needs of our education system, or the fact that autism rates are drastically high in our country right now. There are many homeless people in towns all around us, needing some hope, and yet, I can hardly get a smile or a "good morning" from the cashier at the supermarket ( who is lucky to have a job, whether they like or not). People complain about high gas prices, and yet love to drive their monster Navigator's all over town. Our children have a serious obesity problem and I actually read that this is the first time in history that our children's life expectancy is shorter than our own. Something has to give.

when I was not the momma

When I had a full time office job, I was good at organizing. I could organize my time very well. My desk was nice and neat, everything had it's place. I thought being a stay-at-home-mom would afford me the luxury of organization. I thought I would have the most gloriously neat closets and my bathroom sink would always sparkle. Dust would never settle in this domestic palace of love and laughter. No tears would be shed, nor did I know anything about tantrums and the will of a 2 year old. ha on me...

I truly couldn't even tell you the last time I actually cleaned the bathroom, it gets wiped down once in while though. My closets have become a haven for monstrous piles of clothes, clean or dirty. When company comes (and I get so excited when this ever happens!) everything not in order gets thrown into my bedroom closet. My closet has become a central arguement between hubby and I. He cannot understand why I have this hole of clutter. Why don't I just clean it? he'll say. As if I would rather be doing that than shaving my legs or waxing my upper lip? Hello hubby, do you not get what is important yet? Ever since I had my second little angel my struggle has been much more of a momma-don't-lose-yourself-in-this-whole-mess sort of struggle. It was much easier to go get a haircut or a pedicure with one baby. Working out, no problem with one baby. Two. Oh ma gosh. This is an entirely new ballgame that I have not trained very well for. I really hope that there are no report cards handed out at the end of this semester, because I truly think that although I haven't failed, I have squeeked by on the skin of my teeth.

Now I wonder, where did we find this "Model-Mom" to compare ourselves to? I don't really think she ever existed and if she did, she didn't have any time for friends or fun. A good mom, I am finding, knows when to ask for help or when she needs to just chill. A good mom would rather have fun running around with the soccer ball outside with her beautiful kids than scrubbing the toilet. I can always find time for the silly things, wipe over the bathroom while the kids are in the bath, fold laundry when I watch tv at night.

now, if I could just get someone to clean out my closet....

fitting it all in

I never did go to college (2 classes a few yrs ago, which I ended up dropping one of them).
I do regret it, although I try hard not to. I have some focus on the things that interest me and I sometimes feel lost in it. I am home now with two beautiful children, sometimes wanting another, sometimes cursing my own craziness. When I was a child I thought 32 yrs old sounded so, well old. Now I certainly know better and just wonder if it is too late to begin something new. To start a new career, new thoughts in a completely different field. It is scary to think about, to be the "new kid" again. But my main thought is how?? I cannot even read People magazine in the bathroom by myself, how can I take on new education? Classes? Perhaps a part-time job at a gym where I would like to be?? The YMCA perhaps? So many questions and I just don't know where to start, much less where I will end up. Can I do this, and yet still be present for my family? Too many questions and ways out of it..... To much to procrastinate about, because I think there will always be "something" there, kids, soccer games, holidays, sick family members, friends. Trying to fit it all in, is it possible to fit it all in? So instead of waiting for the perfect time, I guess I need to do something.

just not sure what yet

snapshot sunday

momma's new hot rod

Aah yes, I need another stroller. That is what I said repeatedly to hubby as I complained about the current double stroller I had when fitness walking at the boardwalk or park. It kills my back when I am walking fast and really have to push it. (yes I could have thought of it as an "extra" work out, but let's be real!) So yesterday I ordered my new little beauty and it will take a while to get here since I used the "free standard shipping" offer, but I don't mind. I will wait patiently with my scissors in hand ready to open my delicious delivery. Used to be that I got excited about a package from Spiegel or Victoria's Secret, but now, anything from amazon.com will be just fine, thank you.

uurrgghh!!!

Once in while I have a day, or a thought, or a really angry moment, where I wish I had one of those blogs that no one I knew read it. Where I was a fabulous and unknown brilliant woman with a whole lot to say. I could curse and fart ( or is it phart???? ) and not care. anyhoo, I don't. I share my thoughts with my loved ones and that's that. So, when the moment arrives where I am so worked up about someone else's insensitivity or careless remarks I have no where to go. When I am upset and want to share my feelings with the world because, well, I am right and they are completely and utterly WRONG, I have no where to go.

With that I have made a few rash decisions: I have decided to be a beacon of positivity for those I feel are lacking. I have decided I will continue to love with my entire heart and not fear for the "impending end", but celebrate the time we share. I have decided not to dwell on the negative statements and thoughts of others, but to form my own opinions and then, stick up for what I believe to be right. I will do this for myself and my children. Hubby can certainly tag along if he wants too, or I can laugh and annoy him relentlessly in the entire process.

random thoughts

It always takes me a while to recover after hosting a party. JR's 1st b-day party was this past Saturday and I think there is even still one crusty cupcake left in the dining room. (I'll save it for hubby) I get so caught up in cleaning up and putting things back in order that I lose my thoughts. I eat like crap for a few days, then come back down to reality when I start not feeling good about it. (oh yes, the grass pollen is also out in full force, so that also does not help with how I feel)

The weather man promised this morning that this entire week coming will be nice so I plan to tire the kids out with endless play and fun outside.

Momma needs a mp3 player of her very own, so that will be the "extra" purchase for the week.

Momma's "friend" should also be arriving today or tomorrow, I know this because 1) I keep track and 2)I feel as if I want to rip someone's head off and scream into the hole

So with that I will venture into the kitchen for a nice cup of green tea and perhaps I can find a little sprinkle of patience in there to last me just for today.....

snapshot sunday

sue me

Early this morning we left the house to have breakfast with my sister and afterwards ran into Shoprite for a few last minute items for JR's 1st birthday party tomorrow. Sarah screamed that she wanted the "caw cawt", ya know the one with the very loud, hard to push, rattling car on the front? So at 7:30am I am not into argueing, so I agreed. I wiped it all down since it was soaking wet and placed her in the car and JR in the basket seat. All good. We drove around Shoprite for a while since, 1) I never really go to this particular store and 2) they are in the middle of a huge remodel and everything was all over the place. We literally circled the store six times before finding sour cream and baby food.

As we walked down the paper products isle, Sarah wanted those Zoo Pals Plates, the paper plates with animal faces? Ok, I know, not so enviromentally sound, whatever. I let her hold them and we then circled the store again so I could locate some salt pork, which I had never purchased in my life, but, am making baked beans in the good ole crock pot tomorrow and the recipe calls for it. (BTW- salt pork is located by the bacon if anyone is interested)

We checked out and I actually had a really nice woman help me at the register. She actually said good morning and we talked. Most of the time my trips to the store end with me stressing on the way home about the decline of customer service.

I put the grocery bags in the back of my oh-so-cool minivan and put JR into his carseat. As I reached for Sarah, there under her "dolly" was the package of plates. I was mortified, and normally I would run back inside and pay for whatever had been forgotten. But not today. I had to go to the bathroom. Sarah was shreeking that she had to go potty as well. JR was snuggled up in his car seat. So I left. I decided that next time I go to Shoprite I will just have them double ring the package of plates since I am always buying them anyway. Yeah, I know, I am such a nerd. My question is this, why couldn't she have carried off something good? Like a King size Milky Way bar? Or a box of Hot Tomales??

Love Thursday

My "love" is my hubby. He makes me the best that I can be. Not by coddling me or telling me everything will be alright, but by forcing me to be the strongest Momma that I can be. When I am feeling badly about myself or a situation, he is there to give me a swift kick in the ass and make me see there is something that I can do about it. It might sound cold to someone else, but I need it. I could lie on the couch in an Oreo induced coma, or I can get up and make things right. I know, there are you momma's out there who have the everloving husband who is always there with the kind words, the "I Love Yous" every second of the day. You can have that. I have the guy who makes me see my potential and be the person I am meant to be. I have the guy, who although I have to hover every once in a while to get some extra affection, makes it all worth it.

Ouch!

I am really trying to think of something to write about right now. Anything. Sarah is ( right now as we speak ) wailing into a microphone about "Oh Suzannah, don't ya cry fow meee!!" NO, screaming is the word I was looking for. With that glorious and repetive screeeech in my ear, I think of my little boy, sleeping peacefully, at least now he is. He is teething, as most 1 year olds are, and although I have never had a sleepless night or crying fit (myself at least) over this teething thing, he did not have a great day. This huge, blisterlike bubble seemed to have formed over the one molar coming in (this is his 12th tooth to come in, mind you), and Hubby and I would just check it out, look at it, confirm with each other that "yeah, it'll be ok, it's gotta pop sometime". Well, it did. Today. Now this bloody, hanging piece of meat is surviving by a thread inside my little man's mouth and I don't know what else to do. Yeah, I tried Tylenol, Baby Anbesol and those homeopathic teething tablets, but come on already! Until this thing comes off and either swallowed or spit up onto my couch, I don't think there is anything that I, an unhighly educated little Momma can do about it. So hopefully, tomorrow is a better day. (Although I think he is pretty smart and is probably milking this for all the ice -pops that Momma has been giving him!!)

tears inside

I held your hand and tried to look brave

I told you " I Love You ", hopefully not near the final time

Truth is, I cry inside for your pain and wish I could make it better

It will take a lot to knock you down, a strong and tall native fighter, a proud sailor

Smile now, for all the joy you have seen in your wonderful life, there is so much more to come..

what happens in Atlantic City......

Hubby had been in Atlantic City since Wednesday for a convention and Friday nite I joined him. Yes. One full dinner, comedy show and sleepy nite of no kids. Nada. Well, except for the odd sightings of small children playing in the corners of the casinos while their parents were off betting away most likely any chance these poor children had for a college education. But my kids were home, in bed, being sweet little angels for Aunt Katy and Oma. (only 1 time out, or so I have heard.) So it was a great night, although I had to stop myself several times from gushing over my little ones. I did feel a little lost driving my hot sexy minivan down the Expressway, no car seats, no Wiggles movie, just me and my very loud singing. I got to listen to whatever I wanted and no one was there to kick my seat. That in itself was worth the hour drive there.

Today is a beautiful day and we have promised Sarah that after her nap (which she is taking as I type), we will venture off to the beach for some fun in the sun. So with that thought in my head let me run up and put some sunscreen on myself.....

Love Thursday

After skipping about in bloggerland, I have found I love the idea of Love Thursday - so here's my 1st:

I love my beautiful boy, his curiosity and calmness. I love reading to him and smelling his sweet head.

I love my daughter's love of art and especially her interest in drawing smiling pictures of her and Momma.

I love her courage and determination and the fact that a crayon can be a magic wand to another world.

I love spring flowers, the smell of rain, and learning how to see the beauty in it all from two wonderful little souls.

wiggle out

The Wiggles, Wigglytime, Wiggly Party I could possibly go on for hours.

yes, it has been a constant stream of the same Wiggles movie for six days now.

help me.

I am beginning to dance around and sing. I really think I am starting to speak with an Aussie accent.

fruit salad, yummy yummy

I'm even sort of thinking that Captain Feathersword might be sort of muscly and built underneath the whole pirate getup.

Help me - please send reinforcements

inspire me

I remember when I was younger, a small child who loved to draw. I actually did it well, but my low self esteem and not letting others "in" sort of thwarted any progress I could have made. If a teacher noted how well something was, I was embarrassed. If my parents said something was good, to me, it was not good enough for me. I couldn't see it, or didn't want to. I didn't want to stand out or be exposed. Now, I see in my precious little girl of 2 1/2 that love of drawing, paint, even Play-Doh. She begs to draw. She loves to paint and tell me about it, who it is, what they are doing. I am trying to help her grow with that, to feel good about it. To express herself. I want to express myself. I am looking around and finding more inspiration in everything I see. Why didn't I see it before? Was I that closed off? Am I so closed off for someone else to see "me"?

I am trying for today to just look with the eyes of a child. To slow down and look at a different level.. Wonder. Imagination. I am trying that with dealing with children today, instead of being the selfish person I am at times. I am trying it when we go for a walk. I am trying it when we fold laundry. I just need to slow down for a while. Find my inspiration.

dream a little dream (or some fish)

After lunch yesterday ( and a nice little brownie with milk ) I decided to take a nap. The kids were both sleeping, and hubby was in his office doing paperwork. So, as I drifted away on the couch, all snuggled in my 15 yr old blanket, cozy and warm, I tried to think of nothing, just relax and fall, fall, fall. Then it happened. I dreamt of the strangest thing. I dreamt I was just staring at the dinner I was planning to prepare, mahi-mahi roasting in the oven with a honey-dijon sauce. Am I sick??? Is this what my life has come to? In my most relaxed state I am dreaming about food. And not just food, but cooking dinner, which I really do not enjoy anymore. I am sick. There is something wrong with me. Can I no longer imagine that George Clooney is trying to reach me (desperately)?? Or that Brad Pitt has lost my email address and is searching for me??? I think I would even settle for a romantic picnic with one of the Wiggles now. But fish??? Really now. Momma needs to get out of the house. And not to the food store.

A little snapshot sunday

We are hoping to see green leaves soon and more fresh flowers.

red lipstick

As I was lying in bed in the other night, in that space between sleep and alertness, I had a picture appear in my mind's eye. The picture was just of a woman's face, young and vibrant, wearing red lipstick. I had the presence of mind to sort of slow down and just concentrate on her face. As I silently watched, she started to age, like those age progression films you would see on Discovery Channel or something. I watched the laugh lines form and the full, red lips withered into small, tightly closed threads. What sort of life did this woman have? Who the heck is she? Did she laugh alot? Did she have love in her life? Her soft and leathered skin made me think of a beautiful Native American standing in the sun, working, being one with the earth. Her eyes made me wonder what she had seen in her life. Heartache? Pain? Joy? I'm really not sure who it was, not someone familiar to me or my life, as yet I suppose. But as I sit and think about it, I think about my own aging and how it will happen. I hope to have laugh lines so deep they hold all the joy I feel and hope to find. My body will always show that I have been privileged to birth two beautiful children. I hope to feel the sunshine and always see the beauty in the natural earth. I try, even now, to look and listen more to what's around me. Take it in. Feel it.

I guess I'll be going to purchase some red lipstick soon.....

unexpected joy

If I learned to stop and listen I would hear what I was covering up. All the nonsense in my head, the "what ifs" and the "I shoulds", and there is always the second guessing myself and not entirely trusting my own instincts. In the quiet I would find that I am truly happy. These kids bring me a joy I never knew possible. Even when Sarah is applying Hubby's deodorant to her lips as lipstick, or when she rolls over and tells me I have stinky morning breath. When I remember to, I see how slowly time can move when you are putting together a puzzle or kicking a ball around outside. I remember how great it feels to just swing really high or put silly words together. I try not to spend so much time thinking about how much time I wasted in my younger days by worrying about the silly things, like what label or size was on my jeans, and just focus on what values I want my children to hold. How to teach them to reach for the stars and actually get there. Maybe they'll take their crazy Momma with them... Or perhaps, I will get there myself.

slow and rainy wins the race

A slow, rainy day. Time to think.

I would like a playdate with my friend and her little ones, but I need to see my GrandPop who is not feeling well. Besides, Sarah drew a picture for him, so we need to deliver. I will call to see if they are home.

I exercised this morning so with that out of the way, I feel I will be a much better and patient Mommy than I have been lately.

Hubby's office needs to be vacuumed, but frankly, he is a big boy and can do it himself if he needs to.

My little man is teething up a storm and wants to be held all the time. Do not complain Momma, one day, you will be wanting to hold him and he will just want to run, run, run.

Two year olds sure need a lot of one-on-one time, but I am learning so much from her. I wonder if she is learning anything at all from me?
Actually, yes she is. Last night when we were reading books, I sneezed and she said "Bless you Momma". Now, Momma is proud.

more momma guilt

We did not get any outside playtime yesterday and Sarah certainly needed it by the end of the day!! I have already uncovered the sandbox and plan to be out there for a while today. Where does she get this energy? It is all balled up in this little 30 lb body. Can I get some? Just a tad bit? I have decided I do not like planning dinner anymore, so I need to do something about it. No one likes what Momma has to offer, and Momma needs to focus on eating healthier and losing some more baby weight. I do not like cleaning, but frankly, who does?? Ok, I do have a friend who does ( one friend ), and I think that it is just weird, so it would seem I cannot get rid of that chore. I enjoy playing with my kids and I do enjoy exercising when I can do it alone. Yes, alone. Aerobics is not fun when 2 little ones are trying to climb your legs or sit on your gut when crunching. Walking the boardwalk for exercise is fun only when I keep both of them in the stroller so I can actually work up a sweat, but Sarah loves to push her little stroller also. (at a very slow pace mind you). Am I "selfish" for wanting some "me" time, or is this the normal course of things? Do you ever regain it? Does there come a time when you feel ok to focus on yourself or is there always a "momma guilt" involved?

me thinks I need a vacation

(hint to the hubby)

Easter Sunday Snapshot

We had our Easter celebration here at the house yesterday. Lots of ham and chocolate it seems. Family around, especially my brother who currently lives in Virginia. My little man fell asleep around 5:30pm and actually just slept the entire night through!! Sarah, who loves to sleep on her floor (for some unknown reason) also slept good and it was a nice, slow morning of ham and cheese omelets and nice hot coffee (of course!!).

HAPPY EASTER TO ALL AND TO ALL A GOOD DAY!!

greatest non-expectations

The best days with my kiddies are when I have no expectations and no place to go. Trying to rush a toddler in the bathroom is more stressful I think for me than for her. Making her understand the "now" and the urgency of leaving at a certain time, or hurrying to be home for naptime, she'll never understand that. Her "now" is feeling the warm water dribble over her cool hands as she washes them, or, picking up that perfect rock as we walk outside. We should all take a cue from the little ones more often. We had the best time playing in the sandbox the other day. Time passed so slowly and gently. We dug and built and dug some more. I was saddened when it was time to go in and I realized that I don't spend enough of that precious play time with her. I tend to push her off to play so I can do something else.

More playtime today...

to catch a perv

Everyone knows the Dateline "To Catch a Predator" specials: they lure people trying to meet up with youngsters to have sex, into a house, then arrest them. Well, the front page of our local paper this morning has an article about how this was just done mere miles from our home. Scary. The episode is to air in July sometime and I am more freaked than usual about the whole cybernet-porn-perverts. What freaks me out even more, is that their seem to be so many children who are on the net, unsupervised. I know my kiddies are tiny-tiny and I don't have too worry about this yet, but I have already sworn to hubby that they will never have a computer in their room. I know that parents of adolescents everywhere would think "this chick don't know what she's in for with a teen", and that is true. But shouldn't we start paying more attention to why our children feel the need to speak to unknowns? I have enough trouble trying to keep in touch with the people I already know!

chew it good!

There I was, sitting on the couch with my warm, freshly bathed little girl, reading, for the 27th time this week good 'ole Green Eggs & Ham. I was just about out of breath from reading it, trying to sound like a cool mom making funny voices and everything, when my little one turned her head to watch her father sit on the other couch. I stopped reading and she didn't even notice. She did, however notice the apple that hubby slyly held in his further hand, thinking he had escaped "the grub". As if I was a steaming plate of liver and onions, she jumped away from me to climb right over to daddy, her face right square up to his "I wamt some." I watched from across the room, daddy and daughter, sharing an apple, smiling at each other. As he sliced his own little piece and placed it in his mouth, darling little Sarah said to her daddy "chew it good!" and then proceeded to make sure he knew this every time he took a bite. Yes, every time.

let it go

It is so hard sometimes to really let go of things that we have no control of. This is most definately something I need to work on in order to be 1) a good parent and 2) be happier in my skin. I tend to take things very personally when it comes to the people I love, and I only hope for them to be happy. But alas, I know that their own happiness is only for their own doing. When we someone struggling in a tough relationship, isn't it completely normal to want to see them in a better situation? When we see a loved one who really has never even tried on the rose colored glasses, who sees the world as miserable and dark and has no drive for themselves, don't you just want to grab them and shake them into seeing that it isn't such a bad place? Most unfortunately I have these people in my life, and I take it too much to my own heart. I cannot make anyone else see the beauty that I see, or the greatness they could be if they would just push themselves forward. I cannot keep feeling other people's unhappiness and constantly worrying for them and the sadness I see in their eyes.

My children need me. I think hubby does too (sometimes....)
Although, I am having trouble letting go, I know that in order me to grow, I can no longer hold onto someone else's pain. So, today, I let it all go. This is not to say that I don't care, of course I do. I just need to step back and realize that I cannot help someone who doesn't want to be helped.