keeping up with the delusion

I don't "not blog" on purpose, life just gets in the way. A beautiful life it is. But as they say- just not enough time in the day.

2 little ones. Preschool. Momma's gym time. Momma would like to study for her personal trainer cert and also find an online accredited school to start studying nutrition. A house (which we are so blessed with ). But, one must clean that house and cook the food (the food which no one seems to like the same things, and then you throw in some food allergies and supertasters and cooking is not as much fun as it used to be!) Hubby (who doesn't get more than a ham sandwich and a smile in the morning sometimes). Then I find a moment to get online...yes I can blog! First there's Facebook, then I log onto Weight Watchers (which I would say is for "research", but I actually find solace there....) Then I try to shoot out some Creative Memories emails. By the time I get to Blogger, I am needed elsewhere.

So I will try to keep up - for my sanity, and for my Grandmothers' enjoyment.

Be the change...

Hubby and I found ourselves having an awesome time yesterday at the Dover Nascar Race- despite the rainy morning, then the hot sun. Really fun time, really good race. As we walked around though, I was alarmed at what I was seeing - mostly everyone was overweight. Not just everyone-comes-in-different-sizes-large, but seriously-too-many-extra-value-meals-pregnant-bloated-belly-large. It really made me sad and I swore that we need to do something, this is terrible, blah blah blah. Then Hubby looked at me and said "G, you can only change yourself, not everyone else" and it stuck. He always has a way of kicking me in the seat and getting me to move in the right direction. I am not always happy with what he says, or how he says it, but it is truly always what I need to hear (I can feel him smirking now....)

So I made the decision that I can make the change, but, it does start with me. One of my favorite quotes, from Ghandi is- BE THE CHANGE YOU WANT TO SEE IN THE WORLD. At least in my world I do not want to see my kids running around with a cheesesteak in one hand and a 52 ounce soda in the other. As for Hubby, I need to keep moving forward, way forward so that he has to work hard to keep up. Will it change the world? I know it will change mine.

So, instead of complaining about something today- do something to change it.

wake up call

4 am. My beautiful, soft little boy, rocking gently in my arms. Go to sleep. I close my eyes and pray that he drifts off. He looks up at me and strokes my cheek. Sweet. He grabs hold of the front of my hair, right at the roots, I wonder to myself how I will look with a bald spot. He pulls, I try not to scream. Please don't wake up little girl. I begin to cough, that tickle in your throat, uncontrolable cough that pains your chest and rattles your entire being. Shit. Please don't wake up little girl, I need my sleep. It's in that moment I realize the problem. The problem of always fighting it.

I hear the rumble of little feet sprinting to my bedroom and I know that when she doesn't find me in bed she knows where to look. I take a deep breath, knowing that the day is set to begin for us now, at 4 am. There is nothing I can do about it. Just go with it. I cough. She runs in and smiles "Momma, thew you aw!". I smile, "Good morning little girl!".

She sings her brother our special "good morning song" and our day begins with a smile.

me first!!

I remember a while back there was an episode on Oprah that really got some conversation going for momma's. There were the momma's who put the kids first, then the house, then the hubby, never getting to themselves. Then there were the momma's who said "I come first, then hubby, then the kids." What an uproar the dowdy little never think of themselves momma's had over this way of thinking. At the time I didn't have any children, or, Sarah was an infant so this really didn't resonate with me.

Now I get it. By putting yourself first, you are not being selfish. You are insuring that you will be the best partner and mother you can be. You are setting a good example for your children, especially your daughters. By putting your relationship with your "significant other" in the forefront you are saying "This is important, this is what makes our family work". It doesn't mean you are having wild sex in the living room while the kids run amuck in a sugar induced daze. ( although...) kidding! Your children are better provided for when the relationship between the parents is free of stress and full of love.

I find myself doing more for me and I am better for it. The past two days I have made it a point to have "mommy time" at the gym while hubby stayed home to entertain the kids. I was able then, to be fully present for my family for the remainder of the day, and felt really good about myself as well. The rest of the week we do go to the gym and the kids enjoy the child care room there, however, they have been sick and frankly, when I am working out and I know they are in the next room, out of my sight, it sort of freaks me out that I am not with them.

now, if I could only figure out a way to get someone else to do the cooking...

baby steps

I find that most of my own tantrums stem from my impatience and that fact that I sometimes forget that little Sarah is only 2 1/2. I will stand at the sink doing dishes and say something like " Ok Sarah, let's start cleaning up your toys " or " come on, let's (fill in the blank) " All the while I continue to do whatever it was I was doing, expecting her to just jump up and do as I command. Being in the moment is really much harder than I ever expected it to be. Stopping myself and taking in each little minute. Realizing that if I cannot control myself sometimes, it certainly must be harder for someone at the tender age of 2.

Patience, doing unto others as I would have to me, self-love - these are all the things I myself struggle with daily, and now I find more motivation to work on it so that I can truly show these to my children. One day at a time? I think One Moment at A Time, for now at least.

take the wheel

For so long now I have let my children set the mood of the day. If Sarah is tired and cranky, I end up cranky and yelling. If JR is squirmy and not his usual happy self at that same time, well, Momma just tends to throw in the towel. Cook me, I'm done. I realize that my reaction to this wee toddler is what sets the tone, not her oh-so-normal outbursts of unrestraint and spitfire energy.

I am the adult.
Me, I am the one in charge, not her.


Yeah, easy to think of after the fact, but when at the public pool and the baby is tired but fighting sleep and Sarah is also too tired to even think of controlling herself I tend to lose it. Here I was, two tired kids, only 1 hour into the thing and I was already packing it up. In the moment, I knew that it was better to just get them home then to fight with her. Once we got to the potty, did our business, went to the car where I changed the baby and was on our way I was assured from the kick to the back of my seat that I had made the right decision. We made it through the drive-through at Mickey D's and before I knew it they were both asleep. Quiet.

Yes, I can turn off those drasted Wiggles...
sorry guys.

I made it home and ate my salad with the kids sound asleep in the car (parked nicely in the garage within earshot) and that was a good salad. Maybe because I actually ate it while the chicken was still warm, or maybe because I got to eat slowly and enjoy every little bite. Either way, I guess there are times when you just know that it is better judgement and not throwing in the towel to make a quick getaway and who knows, you may even get to eat your lunch in peace.

Now I just hope that our new friend who is now pregnant with her second child doesn't get scared away from the craziness that can be a playdate with us.

snapshot sunday

I really need to try harder to see the world as my little girl does. Nothing is as important as that cup of cold juice and watching "Little Bear" on tv. Bugs and anything moving around outside is "coool Momma" and splashing around in the pool is the best part of the day. Yesterday we spotted quite a few butterflies in the backyard while we were outside painting, so we decided to go "hunting" for some pics.

teach me some more little girl, show me where my patience lies.......

enjoy the moment

Today I will just relax and enjoy my children. Every little chicken nugget and Cheerio on the floor will be celebrated and I will just flow......

New realizations about my own quirks have brought me down to just want to be with them and not worry about the stupid things that don't really matter. The crap like feeling "not good enough" that enters my brain and ruins my day. The stupid thoughts that fog my great moments with my babies.

So with that, the computer is going off for the day and we are off to find some rainy day fun.

one more?

This past week I was very sure I was pregnant. I was tired, sick, my chest ached and my "friend" was late. The smell of my daughter's apple juice actually made me throw up. I was excited about the thought of a new little soul coming into our family. The only thing that didn't agree was the home pregnancy tests that I took (quite a few over the past week and a half). But my gut told me I was pregnant. Well, late yesterday afternoon my "friend" arrived, quite painfully and very furiously and now I am sad. Disappointed would be a better word for it. I am good at being preggers. I was at my best. I walked every day. I ate healthier (just add the ice cream daily, please.) I felt good, I talked more positively to myself and others. I felt, well, useful. Now I still felt nauseated this morning and hubby will sware it is all in my head, which, it very well could be. You see, hubby is very content with out family "as is". Of course I am as well, but, I still see no reason to deny another little soul a place in our hearts and home. Yet I am still sad, wondering now, where should I focus my energy. If I bulldoze my way into hubby's face and insist on another child, it begs for an unending arguement. It would seem to be some definate negative energy. But, I am scared, if I move the heck on and focus on other things, perhaps, my own personal goals and projects, will I be ok that this falls to the wayside?

This morning I trolled around the house watering some plants, which I usually forget to do. As I passed by the dining room window something caught my eye. Several weeks ago Sarah and I planted an avacado pit for her to grow her own plant. Because it is in a room that we don't use daily, we forgot about it. It got watered sporadically and recently I remember thinking to throw it out when she wasn't looking since it had not done anything. Today I saw a two inch sprout sticking out of the dirt. Even with not too much attention, this seed had found a way to do what it was supposed to do. I immediately remembered all the passing dreams I have had for myself through the years. Some had just disappeared, but some, like the seed in a sunny window, had found a way to happen with the right help. I realized today that I need to find that thing that I am supposed to do. That thing that will come naturally for me. Maybe we will have another child, maybe we won't. But I certainly don't want that to be what defines me. What I want my children to learn from can't be something I just tell them about, it needs to be something I can show them in my own actions.

fitting it all in

I never did go to college (2 classes a few yrs ago, which I ended up dropping one of them).
I do regret it, although I try hard not to. I have some focus on the things that interest me and I sometimes feel lost in it. I am home now with two beautiful children, sometimes wanting another, sometimes cursing my own craziness. When I was a child I thought 32 yrs old sounded so, well old. Now I certainly know better and just wonder if it is too late to begin something new. To start a new career, new thoughts in a completely different field. It is scary to think about, to be the "new kid" again. But my main thought is how?? I cannot even read People magazine in the bathroom by myself, how can I take on new education? Classes? Perhaps a part-time job at a gym where I would like to be?? The YMCA perhaps? So many questions and I just don't know where to start, much less where I will end up. Can I do this, and yet still be present for my family? Too many questions and ways out of it..... To much to procrastinate about, because I think there will always be "something" there, kids, soccer games, holidays, sick family members, friends. Trying to fit it all in, is it possible to fit it all in? So instead of waiting for the perfect time, I guess I need to do something.

just not sure what yet

momma's new hot rod

Aah yes, I need another stroller. That is what I said repeatedly to hubby as I complained about the current double stroller I had when fitness walking at the boardwalk or park. It kills my back when I am walking fast and really have to push it. (yes I could have thought of it as an "extra" work out, but let's be real!) So yesterday I ordered my new little beauty and it will take a while to get here since I used the "free standard shipping" offer, but I don't mind. I will wait patiently with my scissors in hand ready to open my delicious delivery. Used to be that I got excited about a package from Spiegel or Victoria's Secret, but now, anything from amazon.com will be just fine, thank you.

uurrgghh!!!

Once in while I have a day, or a thought, or a really angry moment, where I wish I had one of those blogs that no one I knew read it. Where I was a fabulous and unknown brilliant woman with a whole lot to say. I could curse and fart ( or is it phart???? ) and not care. anyhoo, I don't. I share my thoughts with my loved ones and that's that. So, when the moment arrives where I am so worked up about someone else's insensitivity or careless remarks I have no where to go. When I am upset and want to share my feelings with the world because, well, I am right and they are completely and utterly WRONG, I have no where to go.

With that I have made a few rash decisions: I have decided to be a beacon of positivity for those I feel are lacking. I have decided I will continue to love with my entire heart and not fear for the "impending end", but celebrate the time we share. I have decided not to dwell on the negative statements and thoughts of others, but to form my own opinions and then, stick up for what I believe to be right. I will do this for myself and my children. Hubby can certainly tag along if he wants too, or I can laugh and annoy him relentlessly in the entire process.

red lipstick

As I was lying in bed in the other night, in that space between sleep and alertness, I had a picture appear in my mind's eye. The picture was just of a woman's face, young and vibrant, wearing red lipstick. I had the presence of mind to sort of slow down and just concentrate on her face. As I silently watched, she started to age, like those age progression films you would see on Discovery Channel or something. I watched the laugh lines form and the full, red lips withered into small, tightly closed threads. What sort of life did this woman have? Who the heck is she? Did she laugh alot? Did she have love in her life? Her soft and leathered skin made me think of a beautiful Native American standing in the sun, working, being one with the earth. Her eyes made me wonder what she had seen in her life. Heartache? Pain? Joy? I'm really not sure who it was, not someone familiar to me or my life, as yet I suppose. But as I sit and think about it, I think about my own aging and how it will happen. I hope to have laugh lines so deep they hold all the joy I feel and hope to find. My body will always show that I have been privileged to birth two beautiful children. I hope to feel the sunshine and always see the beauty in the natural earth. I try, even now, to look and listen more to what's around me. Take it in. Feel it.

I guess I'll be going to purchase some red lipstick soon.....

more momma guilt

We did not get any outside playtime yesterday and Sarah certainly needed it by the end of the day!! I have already uncovered the sandbox and plan to be out there for a while today. Where does she get this energy? It is all balled up in this little 30 lb body. Can I get some? Just a tad bit? I have decided I do not like planning dinner anymore, so I need to do something about it. No one likes what Momma has to offer, and Momma needs to focus on eating healthier and losing some more baby weight. I do not like cleaning, but frankly, who does?? Ok, I do have a friend who does ( one friend ), and I think that it is just weird, so it would seem I cannot get rid of that chore. I enjoy playing with my kids and I do enjoy exercising when I can do it alone. Yes, alone. Aerobics is not fun when 2 little ones are trying to climb your legs or sit on your gut when crunching. Walking the boardwalk for exercise is fun only when I keep both of them in the stroller so I can actually work up a sweat, but Sarah loves to push her little stroller also. (at a very slow pace mind you). Am I "selfish" for wanting some "me" time, or is this the normal course of things? Do you ever regain it? Does there come a time when you feel ok to focus on yourself or is there always a "momma guilt" involved?

me thinks I need a vacation

(hint to the hubby)

temper temper

In dealing with old habits, I am also forced to make some new, better ones. I can sit and watch my babies play, so quietly, then, Sarah will do a "two year old thing" and I will fly off the handle. Did my own Mom lose her patience so easily with me? Why is it too easy to "forget" that she is exploring the world and sometimes not in control of herself? Why do I have expectations of her at all? That is not to say that a child should not be expected to do simple tasks, but I really am tough on her at times. Every day I try to remind myself that she is "new" to this world and I don't want to tarnish her view of it - so open and honest. I never dreamed that when I became a parent this would be my first obstacle. For me, the newborn and infant stage was the easiest. Breastfeeding, no problems. Naptimes, never easier. (Except for bedtime which was even easier for both babies!) My challenge is my own temper and impatience.

I wonder lately if I am too selfish for this mommyhood. I yearn for my own time, which doesn't even come on some days. I have hopes and dreams for myself, as well as my children. I want my marriage to remain good. I want someone to look out for me once in a while. I need to put my mascara on in the morning, lest I forget who I am. I hate the days when I look like the typical SAHM. This battle too, is something I really didn't count on when I was ovulating, and yet, I still think I might want one more child......

Proper Parenting

Why is it so easy to lash out at the ones we love the most? Why, when there is a screaming toddler, a crying baby, and vomit on the floor, do momma's and poppa's then get angry with each other? How do we learn that it's not important who is right, or, even what our immediate thought is in that moment? Why is it harder to think and act with love and mentally trying on someone else's shoes?

This was not in all the baby books I read when I was pregnant.
I thought there was supposed to be laughter and fun all the time.
Giggling and gurgling.
Smiling momma's and poppa's at every turn, so happy with their little "bundle of joy".

So, yeah, I am thinking about having another one........

Love Them

How often do we think of our loved ones and how we should visit, or call? How many times do we get stuck in our day-to-day routine without telling the people we care about just how much we do care? I am trying to not make certain details of life always about "me". If a family member is sick and in the hospital, I need to remind myself that is him who is not feeling well and needs the support- not me who feels sorry for myself for not being the best supporter. It's not about me not visiting enough. They know I care. I know I am loved. It is so difficult at times to put ourselves in those shoes that other people wear to really get perspective about what really is, rather than what I am putting my own personal delusional twist on. Poor lil' ole me, right?

Today, call someone who you love, but haven't spoken to in a while. Or, just tell someone who is right there how much you care. In the midst of laundry, dishes and dirty diapers, those words sometimes seem to get lost along the way......