what to do....

I have been meaning to grow up. What I mean by that is, to figure out what I want to be when I grow up... then I realize I am 35 and should be a grown up by now, right? I have found out that I love being pregnant and love the baby thing, but Octomom- I am not! We have our 2 children and Hubby has decided that is enough. Ok, so what else am I good at? I am obsessed with nutrition ever since the kids were born, even more when I found out all their little food allergies and asthma. I know how good and full of energy I feel when I eat right and don't self medicate with food. I get so upset when I see entire families that either don't know how to take care of themselves, or just don't care to. I see how powerful exercise is in my own life and mental state (questionable at times), and how important it is for my kids to get moving ALOT!



So I throw it out to the world..I have been meaning to study all the personal training stuff and get that certification..have all the stuff. I love reading any nutrition or fitness book that I can get my hands on. There ya go. The answer.

muscles!!!!!

keeping up with the delusion

I don't "not blog" on purpose, life just gets in the way. A beautiful life it is. But as they say- just not enough time in the day.

2 little ones. Preschool. Momma's gym time. Momma would like to study for her personal trainer cert and also find an online accredited school to start studying nutrition. A house (which we are so blessed with ). But, one must clean that house and cook the food (the food which no one seems to like the same things, and then you throw in some food allergies and supertasters and cooking is not as much fun as it used to be!) Hubby (who doesn't get more than a ham sandwich and a smile in the morning sometimes). Then I find a moment to get online...yes I can blog! First there's Facebook, then I log onto Weight Watchers (which I would say is for "research", but I actually find solace there....) Then I try to shoot out some Creative Memories emails. By the time I get to Blogger, I am needed elsewhere.

So I will try to keep up - for my sanity, and for my Grandmothers' enjoyment.

another sick day

I found a minute to jump in the shower. Thank goodness for that! I even shaved my legs and will slap some make-up on in a few. I know, home with 2 sick kids, why the make-up? Listen, you never know when the Maytag man will show up (although, that would be really strange since there is nary a Maytag appliance in our home...) Yet, if he were to show up, I'd at least look human. Kids are napping for a while and Sarah finally believes me now that if she takes another sip of Gatorade it will come right back up.

As for the momma-work-in-progress I have noticed a major good change in me- normally when the kids are sick and I feel stressed, I EAT. I mean EAT ALL DAY LONG! I feel now though that it is important to take better care of myself in order to take better care of them, the little ones and the Hubby. I have been keeping track of what I eat, and when I eat certain food (wheat, gluten) how I feel and it's always the same- itching throat, sinus congestion, stomach ache a few hours later, but the thing I notice the most is my mood. I had this big, GIGANTIC muffin yesterday and I immediately felt fogginess in my head and very, very irritable (yes Hubby, more than normal!). Knowing this really helps me make better decisions on what and when I eat. Later this month I have an appointment for allergy testing since I want to get to the bottom of it in case there is something that needs to be checked with the kids. But even if no test shows a gluten intolerance or allergy, I believe it IS important to listen to your body- it certainly knows best. (now as for the pizza and wine last night, let's just think of that as medication!!)

help

Here we go again! JR had a stomach-puking thing going on for a few days and now sweet Sarah has it. I never knew that when I had children that the color and content of their vomit would be such an issue. oh my god- is that blood? oh no, just a blueberry from her muffin this morning. Really, and now I sware I am starting to feel queasy myself. I'm not sure if it's in my head or if Hubby is gonna be holding my hair back later while I yack into the toilet. uh oh- flashback of the good ole days! But then, those episodes were completely self-induced by overindulgence of gin & tonics and way too many buffalo wings.

And yes, what a great mom I am. Running down the stairs to blog, wiping the handrail with disinfecting wipes as I trotted my little way of "getting out of the house", praying that Hubby will allow me to go out to the gym to cardio my ass away. I am listening for the sick sounds upstairs, but at the same time googling "gluten-free recipes" for myself. Thank goodness the Leapster keeps JR busy, so I guess you would call this a break for today. Until I hear the moaning and yelling for "Mommeeeee!", then it's back to work. Oh, and I suppose I should plan something for dinner too. Leftovers sound very nice right about now.

snow day fun this past week

not for the squeamish....

Christmas is over and we can finally rest. The week before the holiday a stomach bug decided to enter our home and cause all kinds of havoc. First the baby, then momma, then Sarah and hubby. The last two decidedly were the sickest of all and it has taken what feels like endless hours to fully air out and disinfect the house. This was our first time dealing with something like this and I am still amazed at 1) how much puke such a little person can produce and 2) how long it can take some kids to actually kick the bug.

Sarah began last Friday nite and was still not fully herself today. In fact, after several vomit-free days, we went for a ride in the car to get the kids some food, and lo-and-behold she threw up in the car, all over the car. When we got home she begged for the chicken nuggets and fries we had just bought, and I gave in, thinking she would probably puke it up anyway, but that it would feel better than those dry heaves she had been having for days. Well, what do you know, the kid was bouncing around, smiling (which she really hasn't been doing lately, even with Santa's delivery!) and laughing! So thank you McD's for the smiles and for filling my hungry little girls oh-so-empty belly!

papa's new ride

this is what happens when ya leave the baby with hubby and the new truck...

and for those people who want to call Child Protective Services or something, the bottle is empty and yeah, we thought it was funny.



and here is little girl checking out the sunroof...

catching up

This past week Sarah got her first pair of ballet shoes. It was very exciting for her and she wears them all the time when we are home. All the time. It is so inspiring to watch someone with pure passion just enjoy what she is doing. I know that I get so caught up with things that I forget to just enjoy the moment.

As a parent I certainly did my share of learning lessons this past week also, for instance:

• The phrase "Don't cry over spilled milk" was not meant for the child, but for the over-the-edge-parent.


• Spaghetti is much easier to vacuum up after it has crusted up and dried to the floor, rather then while still sticky and fresh.


• Tantrums are contagious, for all involved.


• It is ok for Momma to work out or nap or whatever by herself, it makes for a much better home.

blooming

Recently we had lost my Grandpa. As the summer sun has set it sights on warming us all over, it also has blossomed the beautiful sunflowers that he loved so much. My Nanny, the children's GG (great-grandma) was so proud to show off her wonderful blooms today. She has found her own little patch of sunshine, a smiling village right in her backyard. Pop loved those sunflowers, she said. They actually grew where she had a big bowl of birdseed and the birds seem to pick out what they want and throw the sunflower seed into the earth below, perhaps to enjoy the golden yellow stalks too, who knows really. Anyway, as they all face the sun, as sunflowers do, Nanny pointed out that one did not. This one simply stared at the house, somehow giving us comfort with it's raggedy top and content face. I know that Pop is watching out for her, watching over the house, watching where we gather as a family to love, to mourn, to sit in silence. He is there in that wrong way sunflower, he is there in his chair and at his desk. The one thing that saddens me is that although I can make sure that my children know him by face, in photo, they will never really know him like I did. My job is to take those things about him that I cherish and pass them down, to connect those most important people in my life.

the fruits of our labor

Sarah was so excited to find a red tomato on her little patio plant this weekend. She has told me that she will eat it, however, this is a child that will not eat pizza because of the red and who eats spaghetti with butter and cheese because she doesn't like the sauce, so we shall see.

The weekend weather was absolutely beautiful and we enjoyed a barbeque for a friend's son on Saturday and a show on Sunday(sans kids), with dinner outside at the Irish pub we like to go to afterward. Momma had two very large, delicious, cold beers and was a wee little buzzed on the way home.

We woke up today to sound of the summer rain on the roof, so we will probably just do our Costco shopping, which the list is quite large this week. It usually takes me all day just to put everything away after getting everything that we need there - in fact, hubby would chime in that I usually leave some stuff right outside on the garage floor since I know I will need it anyway.

so here's to shopping and finding very large bottles of apple juice and crates of diapers.....

naptime shmaptime

The one thing that I have learned (out of many) from parenting two little tots is to go with the flow. Before, I thought a schedule was a set thing. Naps at a certain time. Lunch at a certain time. In reality, as my babies grow and teeth and learn to walk, it seems that their "napping needs" tend to change. My little man is now sleeping in a little later in the morning, but that means that the morning nap is pushed back later, and then, the afternoon nap, pushed back even later. I am losing that special time where they actually nap at the same time. Poor me, right?

I do find for me to get anything done, Momma does need a sort of "scheduled time". Like, that "special napping time" they shared was for cleaning around the house. oh, well, I guess someone else is gonna have to do it!

enjoy the moment

Today I will just relax and enjoy my children. Every little chicken nugget and Cheerio on the floor will be celebrated and I will just flow......

New realizations about my own quirks have brought me down to just want to be with them and not worry about the stupid things that don't really matter. The crap like feeling "not good enough" that enters my brain and ruins my day. The stupid thoughts that fog my great moments with my babies.

So with that, the computer is going off for the day and we are off to find some rainy day fun.

aftermath

This week has been emotionally exhausting with the loss of my dear Grandpa. My children will only know him through me, so I will do my best to keep him alive in our hearts. We have gathered together as a family and here are some pics of my kiddies doing exactly what their Great-Grandpop would have been doing - sleeping and looking out over the water.




hold your loved ones for an extra moment today, take in their smell, their love
find the peace of knowing to love and to be loved....

sad snapshot sunday

My wonderful Grandpa passed away this evening while hubby and I were on the way to see him. I did kiss him this afternoon and tell him I Loved Him, so, I suppose that should be enough, but it's not. I hated seeing him in pain, I hated wishing him to get better when it didn't work. I am thinking about what to tell Sarah in the morning, yes she's 2 1/2, but pretty smart, and she will wake up remembering we were going to see him in the morning. I am thinking about my Nanny, who just lost her husband of over 55 years, and who just lost her only brother not so long ago. I have never lost someone I loved. Yeah, 32 years of my own life and I guess I should be happy to not have experienced this before, but now, I have to be a mom and I cannot just crumble in the moment.

Pop had heart surgery back before Christmas. He was getting ready to be a candidate for a new kidney. He had to go for dialysis three times a week. Then it was lung cancer. The tumor pushed aggressively onto his esophogus and he has not been able to eat for some time. He was weak and still hoping that the radiation would help shrink the growth. Friday morning he was sick when he went for dialysis and was in the hospital the rest of the day. Yesterday morning the doctor said the CAT scan done at the hospital showed that the tumor had indeed grown and there was nothing left to do, but that they could keep him comfortable with medication. It was suggested that he stop his dialysis. I took the kids to see him yesterday and hubby came with us too. Pop seemed very weak, much weaker than I had seen him in past weeks. This afternoon I took Sarah for a visit and I could see a greater change in him. He was extremely weak and very medicated. He tryed to speak, but had trouble. He was uncomfortable. I kissed him and told him I loved him and would see him tomorrow.

My Mom called this evening to tell me that it was beginning to happen. Hubby called his Mom to come sit with the kids so we could go to the nursing home. I had to. I told him I would see him tomorrow. I wanted to see him now. I wanted to hold his hand and finally see peace in his face. As we finally pulled out of the driveway and up the street, Mom called to say that he was gone. So final it sounds. We turned around and went back home since I am sure my Nanny and other relatives that were there needed to get some sleep.

I think about the smell of his pipes when I was younger. I would climb up on his recliner with the pipe rack next to it. I know I spilled some tobacco on the floor, and would always blame my little brothers. That smell always made me think of him. It always will, even though he hasn't smoked in so many years. That cherry-smoke scent, warm. We used to always go to visit them on Memorial Day. Begin the summer at the Jersey shore. My uncle would put his boat in the water and we would laze about on the deck, look over the bay and not realize that it wouldn't last forever.

your ship has sailed, my sailor man
keep fast to your destination
do not lose your way
we love you Pop

when I was not the momma

When I had a full time office job, I was good at organizing. I could organize my time very well. My desk was nice and neat, everything had it's place. I thought being a stay-at-home-mom would afford me the luxury of organization. I thought I would have the most gloriously neat closets and my bathroom sink would always sparkle. Dust would never settle in this domestic palace of love and laughter. No tears would be shed, nor did I know anything about tantrums and the will of a 2 year old. ha on me...

I truly couldn't even tell you the last time I actually cleaned the bathroom, it gets wiped down once in while though. My closets have become a haven for monstrous piles of clothes, clean or dirty. When company comes (and I get so excited when this ever happens!) everything not in order gets thrown into my bedroom closet. My closet has become a central arguement between hubby and I. He cannot understand why I have this hole of clutter. Why don't I just clean it? he'll say. As if I would rather be doing that than shaving my legs or waxing my upper lip? Hello hubby, do you not get what is important yet? Ever since I had my second little angel my struggle has been much more of a momma-don't-lose-yourself-in-this-whole-mess sort of struggle. It was much easier to go get a haircut or a pedicure with one baby. Working out, no problem with one baby. Two. Oh ma gosh. This is an entirely new ballgame that I have not trained very well for. I really hope that there are no report cards handed out at the end of this semester, because I truly think that although I haven't failed, I have squeeked by on the skin of my teeth.

Now I wonder, where did we find this "Model-Mom" to compare ourselves to? I don't really think she ever existed and if she did, she didn't have any time for friends or fun. A good mom, I am finding, knows when to ask for help or when she needs to just chill. A good mom would rather have fun running around with the soccer ball outside with her beautiful kids than scrubbing the toilet. I can always find time for the silly things, wipe over the bathroom while the kids are in the bath, fold laundry when I watch tv at night.

now, if I could just get someone to clean out my closet....

uurrgghh!!!

Once in while I have a day, or a thought, or a really angry moment, where I wish I had one of those blogs that no one I knew read it. Where I was a fabulous and unknown brilliant woman with a whole lot to say. I could curse and fart ( or is it phart???? ) and not care. anyhoo, I don't. I share my thoughts with my loved ones and that's that. So, when the moment arrives where I am so worked up about someone else's insensitivity or careless remarks I have no where to go. When I am upset and want to share my feelings with the world because, well, I am right and they are completely and utterly WRONG, I have no where to go.

With that I have made a few rash decisions: I have decided to be a beacon of positivity for those I feel are lacking. I have decided I will continue to love with my entire heart and not fear for the "impending end", but celebrate the time we share. I have decided not to dwell on the negative statements and thoughts of others, but to form my own opinions and then, stick up for what I believe to be right. I will do this for myself and my children. Hubby can certainly tag along if he wants too, or I can laugh and annoy him relentlessly in the entire process.

snapshot sunday

Love Thursday

My "love" is my hubby. He makes me the best that I can be. Not by coddling me or telling me everything will be alright, but by forcing me to be the strongest Momma that I can be. When I am feeling badly about myself or a situation, he is there to give me a swift kick in the ass and make me see there is something that I can do about it. It might sound cold to someone else, but I need it. I could lie on the couch in an Oreo induced coma, or I can get up and make things right. I know, there are you momma's out there who have the everloving husband who is always there with the kind words, the "I Love Yous" every second of the day. You can have that. I have the guy who makes me see my potential and be the person I am meant to be. I have the guy, who although I have to hover every once in a while to get some extra affection, makes it all worth it.

what happens in Atlantic City......

Hubby had been in Atlantic City since Wednesday for a convention and Friday nite I joined him. Yes. One full dinner, comedy show and sleepy nite of no kids. Nada. Well, except for the odd sightings of small children playing in the corners of the casinos while their parents were off betting away most likely any chance these poor children had for a college education. But my kids were home, in bed, being sweet little angels for Aunt Katy and Oma. (only 1 time out, or so I have heard.) So it was a great night, although I had to stop myself several times from gushing over my little ones. I did feel a little lost driving my hot sexy minivan down the Expressway, no car seats, no Wiggles movie, just me and my very loud singing. I got to listen to whatever I wanted and no one was there to kick my seat. That in itself was worth the hour drive there.

Today is a beautiful day and we have promised Sarah that after her nap (which she is taking as I type), we will venture off to the beach for some fun in the sun. So with that thought in my head let me run up and put some sunscreen on myself.....

Love Thursday

After skipping about in bloggerland, I have found I love the idea of Love Thursday - so here's my 1st:

I love my beautiful boy, his curiosity and calmness. I love reading to him and smelling his sweet head.

I love my daughter's love of art and especially her interest in drawing smiling pictures of her and Momma.

I love her courage and determination and the fact that a crayon can be a magic wand to another world.

I love spring flowers, the smell of rain, and learning how to see the beauty in it all from two wonderful little souls.