questions

I just have 2 questions today that terrorize me daily and keep me up at night:

• why is there more grey hair where your hair parts than anywhere else on your head?
• what about talking on the phone persuades children to start screaming and yelling and needing you right away once you have received or made a phone call?

scream if you got 'em

Recently I bumped into a neighbor at the local Costco. We always chit-chat for a moment and after our "how-are-yous" he informed me that some of the "neighbors" were wondering what was going on in my backyard with all the screaming that was going on. "I just wanted to let you know" he said. I walked away perplexed, Sarah is certainly a screamer, especially in the pool, or if you chase her, or any kind of vigorous play. Isn't that the whole idea of the "inside voice" thing? Am I supposed to squelch her EXTREMELY high energy outside too??



For the past 10 years Hubby and I have had to listen to all the neighborhood children- laughing and screaming. Jumping on trampolines, pool parties, AND this particular neighbor's LOUD MUSIC. I remember Hubby and I being slightly annoyed at it all, before we had kids. Now we understand a little more.



So, I stew and simmer and worry about what everyone else is thinking... Are the neighbors annoyed with my children's play? Is it rude of me to allow her to express her excitement? We are even trying the whole "use you play voice" thing, I really get that the screaming is annoying, but there is only so much I can do- there are so many other things to worry about here.



When all is said and done, yeah, my kids are loud and active, but they are happy and healthy. At 35 years old, I think I can distinguish between rude behaviour and kids having fun. And also, I do wonder, what is THEIR screaming he was talking about, or was it MINE???

small children & other things that can go wrong

Jr was up at 3:30am. Yes, you read that correctly - 3:30 AM! He insisted that he had to go potty (at 2 1/2 he refuses to use the bathroom for us, but seems to need it in the middle of the night!) Well as I suspected, he had already went in his diaper. I quietly changed him and brought him back to his bed. He was not ready for bed. He was ready for playing and laughing. After about an hour I got him to go back to sleep (thank goodness for that!!)

Fast forward to 7:45am when he had an appointment at the allergist to follow up on meds and asthma. I had the kids pack their bags with some books and toys. I was ready. I went over the rules - no yelling or running around, no touching things that aren't ours, blah blah blah. As I stood there trying to listen to the Dr., the kids running around me & ignoring my pleas for compliance, it was as if my mind was whisked away to a far off land - what did he say? why can't they sit still for 2 freakin' seconds? why? relax, they're kids this little voice said slowly and quietly. So, they're kids, they're not gonna listen? The woman who walked into the waiting room after us sure had a couple of little ones that lined up, they were quiet, read their books, and even talked softly. They didn't yell or jump up. Granted, they weren't smiling either, so in my mind I'm thinking they didn't have such a great morning at their house either.

So what does a stressed out overthinking momma do? She goes on amazon.com and orders up some more parenting books because she is thoroughly convinced that someone out there has the answer, and it will be found.

How does Angie do it?

Seriously, how do you get the kids to get along, pottytrain, look amazingly beautiful (well, that would be genes..), keep a serene look on your face and gaze lovingly at your significant other, and she has 6 kids?? I have 2 and hubby is really lucky if I smile a little more than usual. I use my power of positivity, my affirmations, and still cannot keep it together sometimes. Is my identity so wrapped up in the "mommy" that I forget about the rest of me? I am serious though, like, do her kids scream and punch each other as she and Brad are walking out the door to a red-carpet thang, or do they wave and smile and hold each other's hands tightly? Is there fighting over who gets to be blue while playing Candyland? Do they watch Wall-E every single day? Is there screaming kids and children who refuse to go to time-out? Does the momma yell? Oh yes, and hubby swears that she must wear very sexy lingerie-pajamas-whatever for Brad! Really? With kids jumping in and out of the bed through the night?

ok, enough about that. I have vented for the day. I certainly am not as beautiful as a movie star, but I'm sure my day is not all that out of the ordinary for a regular ol' momma either.
But really, don't you want to know?

catching up

The kids have finally gotten down for naptime and I have committed myself to blogging each day the minute they have begun to dream.... Time management has been a problem for me and I was struggling with figuring out reasons. I am the type of person who needs a reason for everything. Why is Sarah misbehaving? What is the reason?? hello, how about she is almost 4 going on 13!! JR refuses to potty train. What is the reason?? duh, he is 2 1/2 and some children just aren't ready yet. So in figuring out how to use my time wiser I decided that I definately needed to set in stone the things that made Momma's day brighter. Workout time at the gym, blogging/computer time, scrapbooking. Then I also realized that the mundane household crap that I hated so much was so dreadful because I looked at it in that way, as something that I hated. So, some positive thinking and a perfectly good attitude adjustment was needed.

(by the way, it so much that JR refuses to potty train, it's that he screams on the toilet, then when the feet hit the floor he proceeds to bless the room with should have been in the toilet. And Sarah, well, I am beginning to see that backtalking, snotty remarks and little angry outbursts are being well modeled by this Momma who needs to stop and take a breath a little more often....)

good enough

Balancing it all really is hard. I never really understood until I had kids, and even then, when they were newborn it was easy. If I spend the time I want to playing and teaching and doing the "Mom" thing, the laundry falls behind. If I spend the time cleaning up the kitchen, the toys in the living slowly take over. The dining room has become a holding cell for pretty much anything, my scrapbooking, crafts, and toys that get taken away from the kids. Forget the wife part. I get aggravated that at 8pm I am so tired. Last night I actually went to bed with my clothes on instead of throwing on some pj's.

I make time to go to the gym, then try hard not to eat an entire box of Ritz crackers when I finally get a second to myself. I make sure I put some make-up on in the morning, brush my hair and try to look presentable, if not just for myself. How do you not worry about the dust bunnies that inevitably show up no matter what? How do you not take it personally when hubby notices the mess on the dining room table, or the lagging laundry pile? Everyone I know seems to have the same things, I know that no one is perfect, but some people sure seem to have their shit together.

For now, my kids are pretty clean (most of the time) and we have fun. That's just got to be good enough.

get the puke bucket...

aah. 4:30am. Awake and very bushy tailed my little girl was ready to play. A little too ready.
Fast forward to 6am, some soy milk. Her regular fave. She hands back the cup, only half empty and asks for her dolly and Dora, and then to be covered up with a blanket on the couch.

holy shit I tell hubby. She's sick.
5 minutes later. Puke, puke all over the couch. The seat that hubby favors. He cleaned it up like a champ and promised to steam clean it tonight. He knows what I could possibly be in for today, as he leaves with a small dab of worry on his face. (but I am sure happy to be leaving the House of Throw Up Horrors.)


more details to come.

you are cordially invited...

I like manuals. I like to read through and know what to do before I do it. I thought parenting would be that easy, but haha on me. So with that, every once in a while you will be invited to a pity party in my honor.

A few weeks ago, JR was wheezing and we ended up in the ER. I was giving him breathing treatments at home and everything was fine. He was feeling better, breathing good, and due to I suppose my own laziness, we stopped the treatments. For my own peace of mind, the prescription does say "As needed for wheezing".

Last night we ate dinner at my parents, who have a dog. Now I always give my son Benadryl before we get there because he breaks out in terrible hives due to dogs. I forgot. Once again, I suck. By dinnertime my little man's poor little face was covered in itchy hives and his left practically swollen shut. He was miserable, I was crying. I am sitting there worrying about what hubby thinks, what my parents think of me, and wondering if I am fit to mother these children.

poor me.
sucky mom.
why is it so easy to make it about "me" at times like this?

This morning he awoke his normal cheerful self, but while he was eating breakfast he started coughing and wheezing. So, once again, I am thinking "I suck, this is all my fault". I gave him a breathing treatment and the wheezing has subsided.

It frustates me that JR was tested for allergies and nothing showed up, but most apparantly he is allergic to dogs and peanuts, at least to what we know so far. It frustrates me that I fall into this "poor me" attitude when my babies need me the most. It frustrates me that I cannot be more like my MIL, who, like Mary Poppins, is "practically perfect in every way". She would have never forget to give her children medicine or breathing treatment. She always know the right thing to do. I wish I could be more like my good friend DT, who let's it all roll off her back and is always telling me to relax. I wish I felt more like an adult, a parent, instead of still a child in a big body.

When do you start to feel like an adult anyway??

can I get your attention please..

It has been a little hard to find the time to browse my favorite blogs lately. The kids don't feel well, don't sleep well, and attach to my legs like little leeches when they are awake. Not that I mind, of course. We all need to feel the love once in a while. It just makes it way difficult for momma to feel her own love, that's all. It also makes it difficult for momma to read a book, color her hair (which I finally got to last night, after having the box of color for 2 weeks), polish toenails, or snuggle with hubby. Any of the things that make me feel human, to say the least.

Sometimes venting makes us feel better, sometimes it just makes us look, well, a bit selfish. At this point, I'll admit selfishness if it means wanting to pee by myself or eat a warm meal with interruption.

Today, even though it is cold and windy, leaves blowing all sorts of directions, we NEED to get outside. I NEED to get outside.

send some love this way........

snot today

rock and roll!!

uh, ma could ya move??

enjoying sister's birthday presents...

happy 3rd birthday baby girl!!

My little man is teething. Teething and drooling and snotting. Grossly.

Of course he woke up yesterday morning with the non-stop boogarfest draining from his face, as I was finishing up the final touches for his sister's 3rd birthday party. Lovely. I called our niece who has a newborn to let her know the situation, so she wouldn't think we were dirty and contagious. I called my Mom for some advice, then I counted the hours until I could legally and without guilt open a bottle of merlot.

The bash began with me, the momma-not-in-control, with 2 hours sleep from the night before, lashing out at anyone who dared step in my way, or offer to help (how dare they! Do they doubt that I cannot do it ALL??) Hubby and I took turns wiping down the snotty-drooling savage, who other than not having his afternoon nap, was pretty good.

Sarah enjoyed her party, which, due to a large family for both Hubby and I, we stick to strictly family. So, the only glitch for her was there were no other small children, being that her cousin K was home sick. She loved her cupcakes (which, by the way most Duncan Hines cake mixes and frostings are milk-free, thank you Duncan-Hines!!!)

Now, for today I will skip the gym and hopefully make it there tonight as JR's nose is pretty runny and he keeps coughing on the excess drool he's got goin' on in there. I suppose I am being silly, because I know that not everyone is on lock-down when there kid is teething, but I just feel like the girls that watch the kids there don't need to be on snot-patrol.

how about a 27 hour day??

It truly amazes me how the time flies by and I don't really get anything done. I am trying to be more positive and ala The Secret, try to focus on what I do get done, but reality and the tones of negativity set in and I realize that I forgot the laundry in the washer for 2 days and it stinks and that yes, the bathroom floor does need to be vacuumed up at least twice a week no matter how hard I try to tell myself it doesn't. Ok, my kids ears are clean and they don't stink, so I suppose that is a plus. I already told Hubby that we are going to enjoy hot dogs and potato salad for dinner and he didn't seem to put off. He actually likes having hot dogs, me, not so much.

My goal for the rest of the day is to NOT even attempt to open the huge bags of Halloween candy that I bought at Costco this morning. We get literally 5 trick-or-treaters to our house, being on a small dead-end street (how depressing that sounds, a dead-end street!!) Anyway, I always way too much candy, then we (as in Hubby and I) eat it all, then bitch about it. So, whatever is left is going back to the store.

just nod if you can hear me...

It has been a few days since Sarah began with her cough-stuffy nose thing, and now the baby has it. A few days stuck in the house will do a number on you. I have not been able to get to the gym, since I don't want to get any of the kids in the childcare there sick, and Sarah did not go to ballet class today. I am itching to get out of the house alone. Hubby had been away this past weekend, so it has literally been all momma, all the time. I need a break, I am actually craving a good workout and a pizza ( in that order of course ).

Being that JR is teething and now has a cold, he wants to held - constantly. As in, I am holding him right now, while trying to type one handed, standing, with the laptop at the kitchen counter. Ah yes, and my little morning person Sarah, has been getting up at 4:45am the past few days. So, if I fall asleep now.......

I seem to be complaining, and I'm not (hubby!!) It's just that I really never thought that this would be so hard some of the time. Tantrums, tired (and that's just me). Sometimes, it's nice to know that someone else understands what it is like to be home with the little ones. Sometimes, it's just nice to bitch.

delusions

delusional momma:

I turned and handed Sarah her dolly. We were all ready to leave the gym and I saw another mommy coming in to the childcare room with her baby in a stroller, probably about 4 months old or so (the baby). I kneeled down, balancing the diaper bag on my right shoulder and picked up JR with the same arm. As I went to stand up I heard "PLLEEAZZE don't touch the baby" (in not so much of a nurturing voice if you were to ask me). I turned to see my 3 yr old playing peek a boo, very close to the baby. Now, I am all for keeping distance and stuff, but what does other mommy really think happens when she leaves the room? That all the other toddlers and babies and small children simply don't go near or touch the child? This must be her first. Does she know what kids put in their mouths or what they will eat if given the chance? Even, I'm sure, her precious little one.

Anyway, I was a bit embarrassed, simply because I'm quite sure this woman thought I was a ding-bat and not paying any attention to my own child. "I'm so sorry" I mumbled (twice I think) and explained to Sarah that you really never touch a baby unless asking the mommy first. "I's just playing Momma" "I know honey" I think I whispered another "sorry" on the way out the door and away we went.


other mommy:

Ok, I really hate when other dirty little kids get too close to baby. Germs are spread so easy this time of year. I've seen this little girl here before. Her little brother drives the employees crazy with his running around and touching everything. I know my baby will behave when she's that age. It's all in the parenting. I mean, she wasn't even paying attention when her little girl came marching over and poking my little one. What goes on in their house, I wonder?

take me, I'm yours

The social mingling aspect of stay-at-home-momdom seems to be more of who I might like than the kids. I mean, if I cannot relate to the other mom, how can it possibly work? What about the mom's I have "fallen for", then get no call back? total mom rejection. I feel like I should put an ad in the paper : Married SAHM of 2 toddlers, looking for someone to take long walks with the stroller, possibly drink a glass of two of wine some afternoons, not feel guilty when bitching about kids, and my own personal cheerleader.

any takers?

On that note, little JR starts a playgroup over at the library today. I thought maybe he should play with some other kids, rather than his sister just beating him up and taking his toys. I guess I'll just let someone else's kid do that. I am also secretly hoping that I look across the room and find another momma who needs a friend.

secrets of the universe

Yesterday as the kids were napping I indulged in renting myself a movie and eating an entire sleeve of yummy Ritz crackers. As "The Secret" was coming to an end ( ok, not really, there was about 25 minutes left) Sarah woke up and wanted some attention.

Didn't this child know I was into something important here?
Did she not realize that I was learning the secrets of happiness and bliss straight from the universe?
Could she not hold off her screaming until I was done with what I wanted to do?

of course not.

And so my negative energy gave in and an arguement ensued. Me, the adult. Her, the 2 1/2 yr old child. Even today I found myself perhaps nitpicking and having a somewhat negative tone with her. This is my baby, my daughter who I would give my own life for, for whom I painfully pushed from my body and couldn't let go of in the hospital lest I miss a second of her sweet breath. How could this have happened? I really don't get it sometimes. The funny thing is it always seems to happen when Momma's not getting her way. I think I might need a time out.

are you there god? it's me, momma

Dear God;

I do have a few questions I would like answered and faith isn't really gonna cut it right now. For instance, when I do lose my patience (daily) and get snippy with my almost 3 yr old daughter, am I screwing her up for life and teaching her the way of anger? And is cursing, like the F-Word and shit and stuff, is that really a sin? Because technically it is not taking the Lord's name in vain, so I wondering if I am losing points in that department as well. Is it a bad lie when that same toddler hears the rustle of a cookie package (with dairy so she cannot eat it due to food allergy) and I tell her it is nothing? (as I stuff my face....) Oh, and by the way, I haven't been over to visit in a while, and frankly, I couldn't handle myself or my little darlings in Shoprite today, so I'm feeling that your house is out of the question for the time being (even if it is not a sin, I just might start yelling out those F-Words). Who is Time-Out for really? Because somedays I would like to be sent to my room for about 3 hours.

I guess my big question is if I just let it all go and surrender my yearning for control, will it be ok?

really, you can answer at anytime (preferably quite soon)

Thanks
Talk to ya soon.

delusional momma

baby steps

I find that most of my own tantrums stem from my impatience and that fact that I sometimes forget that little Sarah is only 2 1/2. I will stand at the sink doing dishes and say something like " Ok Sarah, let's start cleaning up your toys " or " come on, let's (fill in the blank) " All the while I continue to do whatever it was I was doing, expecting her to just jump up and do as I command. Being in the moment is really much harder than I ever expected it to be. Stopping myself and taking in each little minute. Realizing that if I cannot control myself sometimes, it certainly must be harder for someone at the tender age of 2.

Patience, doing unto others as I would have to me, self-love - these are all the things I myself struggle with daily, and now I find more motivation to work on it so that I can truly show these to my children. One day at a time? I think One Moment at A Time, for now at least.

tell ya what I want, what I really, really want....

Actually, I will tell you what I don't want- I don't want an iphone. I didn't want to see the line of people waiting outside the local cellphone store all day, including the woman holding an infant, just to be the first to purchase said phone. I read in our newspaper this morning that this young man said he waited on line because his friends were talking about it and he didn't want to miss out. I'm sorry, were they only being sold for one day? I don't get it. Now, this gives bad drivers one more thing to play with while they should be paying attention to the road. There is no alone time anymore, we are always "plugged in".

Of course I want my children to have the things they need, like food and shelter and some toys. Art supplies work very nicely in our home. Books, even better. But we are so material, and it just seems to get worse by the minute, we are fed into this idea that we "need" these items that are really extras. I am a SAHM, do I really need a cell phone? Honestly, it is a luxury. I like it, but could do without it if I needed to. Like, now I want to look into the dance school for my daughter, cancelling my cellphone will probably offset that cost of the dance class, seriously. I suppose I want my kids to understand that they are not the rich Hollywood celebrities that are plastered all over the media and know the difference between needing and wanting something.

what momma really wants - a quiet day alone at the beach with no cell phones blasting rap music and no screaming kids - now that would be a luxury!!!

aaarrrggghhh! the mommy monster

So far this morning I have Googled "patience", "parenting", "patience in parenting","patience with toddler" and "how to not run out of the house screaming like a lunatic". I still have no answers. I have about 10 minutes of sanity right now as JR is napping and Sarah is watching a show. wait, here she comes.....

Allright. So, we woke up at 5 am, breakfast, walked, did pilates and fought. The entire walk all my darling daughter did was bitch. I didn't think that this would begin for another, say, 11 years?? She kicked her brother, drew on her entire body with a very bright blue crayon and hit me.

I am tired and sick of feeling like I suck at this. We are supposed to have lunch with my 2 friends today, but honestly, I cannot leave this house feeling like I want to pop my little ones head off. How can I sit in a restaurant with my little monster? I really have no appetite. I look around and see Mother's who are so good at this. Doesn't anyone else get mad? Are there any other Mommy's out there who just get fed up? I love being home but I wonder sometimes if it would be better for my babies if I worked outside the home? I have not located the patience or skills yet to raise a toddler. Time-Outs only work sometimes. Then we end up smacking her on the butt for hitting her brother? It doesn't make sense to me, how the hell is going to teach a young child the correct behavior?

I know that tomorrow is another day and today's rush of evil emotions will pass, but, well, now I have screaming toddler on my keyboard and have to finish that thought later..km,agjakgjl;

code word - get the heck out of here

I have found that with a toddler, things can get ugly pretty fast. Hubby and I have been leaving get-togethers and such early due to toddler tantrums and our inability to deal. She gets out of control, we snap at each other, an arguement ensues. I know in my heart that we are not the only people who have ever dealt with this situation, but when I look around sometimes, it just seems like all the other moms around me have their shit together. They don't seem to lose it at the drop of a dime, they don't yell at mediocre things.

So, I have come up with the idea that we need a code word for that special time of 2 1/2 year old chaos. Once one of us utters the "word" then we just pack the bags and go, no fights. So, what should that "word" be?