keeping up with the delusion

I don't "not blog" on purpose, life just gets in the way. A beautiful life it is. But as they say- just not enough time in the day.

2 little ones. Preschool. Momma's gym time. Momma would like to study for her personal trainer cert and also find an online accredited school to start studying nutrition. A house (which we are so blessed with ). But, one must clean that house and cook the food (the food which no one seems to like the same things, and then you throw in some food allergies and supertasters and cooking is not as much fun as it used to be!) Hubby (who doesn't get more than a ham sandwich and a smile in the morning sometimes). Then I find a moment to get online...yes I can blog! First there's Facebook, then I log onto Weight Watchers (which I would say is for "research", but I actually find solace there....) Then I try to shoot out some Creative Memories emails. By the time I get to Blogger, I am needed elsewhere.

So I will try to keep up - for my sanity, and for my Grandmothers' enjoyment.

just a letter

Sarah and JR:

Too many days to count have I complained, yelled, felt over-anxious and just plain forgot the real reason I wanted to be a Mom.
I have overreacted, yelled at both of you for things that really didn't warrant yelling or anger at all.
What blessings you are to have come through me in to this world, to have allowed me to teach and guide you.

I worry if I teach the wrong things by my own actions.
I wonder in 30 years if you will be able to look back and smile, or just shake your head thinking about your crazy momma.

I took a breathe today, a long one, and in it I promised to be more aware of reactions and overreactions. I promised to smile and no matter what, take each moment to teach, rather than talk down or berate you.

Love,
Delusional Momma

watch

Looking out over the bay. The water, family, the cool breeze. Such an awesome 4th of July for the kids.... they only missed the fireworks. After a long day in the sun they fell asleep and would not wake up!

Right now I'm watching them play "tea party" and it's one of those moments that I just soak in and smile.... giggling, playing nice, JR's little voice, Sarah being the big sis and helping him out.

Sometimes I get so caught up in the daily things, trying to keep peace and order, that I forget to just sit and watch them. The innocence, the imagination, the simple pleasures.

so today, I just sit and watch and learn from them.....

wondering

Both of my grandmother's noted that I hadn't blogged in a while. It's hard to admit, even today, that I have such darn trouble balancing things. I'm home with 2 small kids, what is the problem here? I seem to have trouble not working on trying to sell Avon, even though I thoroughly adore it. I have trouble keeping the house clean, even though we are in the middle of remodeling our master bath and it seems as if various face creams, tampons, and towels have overtaken the rest of the house. I have trouble maintaining a Gluten-Free diet, even though when I eat the G-Stuff (like the brownies I just picked on...) I end up extremely bloated, doubled over sick to my stomach and irritable. I miss my friends, who I don't get to speak to often enough. I love my husband, even though he only hears me sounding irritated and angry when he calls during the work day. I love my kids, even though I probably yell more than I should.

Is it just me? When I talk to other momma's they all seem to have the same problems. Do we just have to much time to complain since we now have dishwashers and washer/dryer combos? How is it that the laundry piles up, even though I don't have to take it outside and wash and dry it by hand? And the kids? Is it too much TV, DVD's and computer games that has taught them NOT to keep themselves busy with simple toys like dolls and blocks?

I wonder if it really was easier 40 years ago......

just a weird thought

If you just stop and breathe once in a while, you see the humor in your life. Yesterday I went to my Dad's house with the kids to have lunch with him for his birthday. When we left I was so relaxed, it was a good visit - no one ended up in time-out, both kids behaved. As I'm driving home I look lovingly into the backseat and JR is eating snow off his boots (eww!) and Sarah is totally digging for gold up her nose. Normally I would yell out "stoppp that !" "eww!" But I was so calm and all I thought was - don't eat the yellow snow.. Then, and I don't know where this came from, I started to wonder, in all seriousness, if anyone had ever been burned by the heated leather seats in their car. Really. As I felt all warm and cozy in my fam van I really wanted to know if there are any serious burn victims from the luxury of leather seats!

Truth be told, without the weird thoughts and freezing cold weather, it was a very good day.
And, my butt was very warm.

light

Wake up and smell the day.
Do not think of the sunset,
the end of this time's light.

Reach into your soul and
grab the core,
the reason for which you
are here.

Run with it and shine
that light upon all you see.
Waste no more time wondering
what if or too late.

good enough

Balancing it all really is hard. I never really understood until I had kids, and even then, when they were newborn it was easy. If I spend the time I want to playing and teaching and doing the "Mom" thing, the laundry falls behind. If I spend the time cleaning up the kitchen, the toys in the living slowly take over. The dining room has become a holding cell for pretty much anything, my scrapbooking, crafts, and toys that get taken away from the kids. Forget the wife part. I get aggravated that at 8pm I am so tired. Last night I actually went to bed with my clothes on instead of throwing on some pj's.

I make time to go to the gym, then try hard not to eat an entire box of Ritz crackers when I finally get a second to myself. I make sure I put some make-up on in the morning, brush my hair and try to look presentable, if not just for myself. How do you not worry about the dust bunnies that inevitably show up no matter what? How do you not take it personally when hubby notices the mess on the dining room table, or the lagging laundry pile? Everyone I know seems to have the same things, I know that no one is perfect, but some people sure seem to have their shit together.

For now, my kids are pretty clean (most of the time) and we have fun. That's just got to be good enough.

between friends

Today as I was flipping through the newspaper I saw a familiar name where you don't want to see it - in the obituaries. She was a wonderfully nice woman. I used to do her hair when I worked in the hair salon years ago. She was also the mother-in-law to a friend I lost touch with long ago.

It wasn't anyone's fault I suppose. Nor did some outrageous thing happen that turned us away from one another. It was just life. It was slow and sometimes quietly obvious as missed phone calls just never got returned. Or, as I lived alone in my own single apartment, she moved on to marry and start in with the babies. Then there was the phone call to tell me she was pregnant for the second time. When I realized she was 6 months along at the time of the call, I knew something had changed between us. That closeness, that quick to call when something bad, great or indifferent had happened. Alot of things went unsaid. I felt angry about a few things. There had been an expressed dislike of the fact I had broken up with a longtime boyfriend of the time. I felt left behind when she favored other girlfriends who seemed to have more time for her.

There are moments you think about that crap over a glass of wine and think that life goes on and you're ok without those long lost friends. Then there are the times, like this morning, when you realize that other people who had a special seat in your heart at one time or another, are hurting. Perhaps my heart is still raw from losing my Pop this summer, or maybe I did yearn to just hug my friend. I thought about it all morning and then I called. Of course it took her a stunned few seconds for her to get a grip of who I was, then there was an awkard silence. I expressed my condolences. I told her I felt so badly it took a death for me to call. I told her I just really wanted her to know how much I wished I could hug her and her family and let them know I truly, truly cared. We both had a shakiness in our voices and although I know why she could have been on the verge of tears with her close loss, my tears were for something else. Lost love, I guess. The memories of how close we used to be, and how far we are now. I'm not sure, but I am glad I trusted my instincts and called, instead of mulling over it for a week. We both expressed our I Love Yous and promised to call. I guess we'll see how it turns out.

wake up call

4 am. My beautiful, soft little boy, rocking gently in my arms. Go to sleep. I close my eyes and pray that he drifts off. He looks up at me and strokes my cheek. Sweet. He grabs hold of the front of my hair, right at the roots, I wonder to myself how I will look with a bald spot. He pulls, I try not to scream. Please don't wake up little girl. I begin to cough, that tickle in your throat, uncontrolable cough that pains your chest and rattles your entire being. Shit. Please don't wake up little girl, I need my sleep. It's in that moment I realize the problem. The problem of always fighting it.

I hear the rumble of little feet sprinting to my bedroom and I know that when she doesn't find me in bed she knows where to look. I take a deep breath, knowing that the day is set to begin for us now, at 4 am. There is nothing I can do about it. Just go with it. I cough. She runs in and smiles "Momma, thew you aw!". I smile, "Good morning little girl!".

She sings her brother our special "good morning song" and our day begins with a smile.

take me, I'm yours

The social mingling aspect of stay-at-home-momdom seems to be more of who I might like than the kids. I mean, if I cannot relate to the other mom, how can it possibly work? What about the mom's I have "fallen for", then get no call back? total mom rejection. I feel like I should put an ad in the paper : Married SAHM of 2 toddlers, looking for someone to take long walks with the stroller, possibly drink a glass of two of wine some afternoons, not feel guilty when bitching about kids, and my own personal cheerleader.

any takers?

On that note, little JR starts a playgroup over at the library today. I thought maybe he should play with some other kids, rather than his sister just beating him up and taking his toys. I guess I'll just let someone else's kid do that. I am also secretly hoping that I look across the room and find another momma who needs a friend.

thank you Jenny

I actually got to find some time lately to read a great book. Louder Than Words is written by Jenny McCarthy and is about her journey with her son through the fog of autism. As a mother of young children this has been something that always bothered me, the fact that this is getting worse for our children, the fact that it seems that no one seems to be doing anything about it.

In taking us on her journey, I was reminded of a few things myself. Faith in a higher power, trusting your gut, and finding purpose through what others might find only sorrow. A few days before I began reading the book, I realized how my negative thoughts were sometimes wrecking my day. So, in the mornings I have been making a conscious effort to sit and be thankful for all that is around me. There are some people I know who will think this is kooky, but let them suffer in their own misery. I have found more beauty in my babies and have seen my husband playing and spending more time with them. Is this because he is, or, am I just not focusing on "what he's not doing"? Whatever it is, I find myself being more joyful and smiling alot more through the day and 2-year old tantrums.

are you there god? it's me, momma

Dear God;

I do have a few questions I would like answered and faith isn't really gonna cut it right now. For instance, when I do lose my patience (daily) and get snippy with my almost 3 yr old daughter, am I screwing her up for life and teaching her the way of anger? And is cursing, like the F-Word and shit and stuff, is that really a sin? Because technically it is not taking the Lord's name in vain, so I wondering if I am losing points in that department as well. Is it a bad lie when that same toddler hears the rustle of a cookie package (with dairy so she cannot eat it due to food allergy) and I tell her it is nothing? (as I stuff my face....) Oh, and by the way, I haven't been over to visit in a while, and frankly, I couldn't handle myself or my little darlings in Shoprite today, so I'm feeling that your house is out of the question for the time being (even if it is not a sin, I just might start yelling out those F-Words). Who is Time-Out for really? Because somedays I would like to be sent to my room for about 3 hours.

I guess my big question is if I just let it all go and surrender my yearning for control, will it be ok?

really, you can answer at anytime (preferably quite soon)

Thanks
Talk to ya soon.

delusional momma

hold on

I see your energy. The possibilities in front of you are endless. I see your yearning to jump out, past the rocks, into the bright unknown. For now, my job is to let you learn your own beauty, your strength. Someday, my sweet girl, I will let you go past the railing, the rocks, the boundaries, and allow you to find your own place. I promise you nothing but laughter and love. You teach me patience and unconditional love. Your curiosity and wonderment are where I would like to be again.

take the wheel

For so long now I have let my children set the mood of the day. If Sarah is tired and cranky, I end up cranky and yelling. If JR is squirmy and not his usual happy self at that same time, well, Momma just tends to throw in the towel. Cook me, I'm done. I realize that my reaction to this wee toddler is what sets the tone, not her oh-so-normal outbursts of unrestraint and spitfire energy.

I am the adult.
Me, I am the one in charge, not her.


Yeah, easy to think of after the fact, but when at the public pool and the baby is tired but fighting sleep and Sarah is also too tired to even think of controlling herself I tend to lose it. Here I was, two tired kids, only 1 hour into the thing and I was already packing it up. In the moment, I knew that it was better to just get them home then to fight with her. Once we got to the potty, did our business, went to the car where I changed the baby and was on our way I was assured from the kick to the back of my seat that I had made the right decision. We made it through the drive-through at Mickey D's and before I knew it they were both asleep. Quiet.

Yes, I can turn off those drasted Wiggles...
sorry guys.

I made it home and ate my salad with the kids sound asleep in the car (parked nicely in the garage within earshot) and that was a good salad. Maybe because I actually ate it while the chicken was still warm, or maybe because I got to eat slowly and enjoy every little bite. Either way, I guess there are times when you just know that it is better judgement and not throwing in the towel to make a quick getaway and who knows, you may even get to eat your lunch in peace.

Now I just hope that our new friend who is now pregnant with her second child doesn't get scared away from the craziness that can be a playdate with us.

dream it

Right this moment I looked over at my little girl to catch a glimpse of what she was doing : dressed up in a very large, baby blue colored princess dress she is swinging a Dora baseball bat yelling home run. Then, as she runs, she tries to fix her little orange plastic pumps and prances around the bases. That is what I want for her, to have all she needs. The fun, the pride, to not worry about what others "might" think or say of her. I want her to dream big and live bigger. I want her to trust her gut and do the right thing. To help people and be compassionate. To work out because it is good for her body, not to get to the perfect weight. To eat healthy because it feels good, not to deprive herself or try to attain am image we are "told" is the standard.

hey, wait, am I talking about me or my little girl?

temper, temper

I was recently watching a new mother walking the neighborhood, pushing along her little darling. How quiet, how peaceful. I remember when Sarah was younger and everyone would comment on what a good baby she was, how I will never get another child that well behaved. We would go to friend's houses and everyone was shocked at how nice she sat in the stroller without fussing for longer periods of time. Or how she was sweet and noticeably smart she was. I was the proud Momma of a good baby. I was appalled at the mothers who seemed to have no control of their children, whose kids threw embarrassing tantrums, right there in front of everyone!

Fast forward to my sweet little girl at the age of 2 1/2.
Tantrums, fights, even trying to make a deal here and there: "Momma, how 'bout only 2 minutes in time out, ok?"

Last night we tried for a short walk around the block after dinner. This ended with me and hubby passing her back and forth, football style, after she threw herself on the ground kicking and screaming. Then she pulled my hair and injured my breast. So the three minute walk ended with a time out and some chocolate. (the chocolate of course being for me)

tell ya what I want, what I really, really want....

Actually, I will tell you what I don't want- I don't want an iphone. I didn't want to see the line of people waiting outside the local cellphone store all day, including the woman holding an infant, just to be the first to purchase said phone. I read in our newspaper this morning that this young man said he waited on line because his friends were talking about it and he didn't want to miss out. I'm sorry, were they only being sold for one day? I don't get it. Now, this gives bad drivers one more thing to play with while they should be paying attention to the road. There is no alone time anymore, we are always "plugged in".

Of course I want my children to have the things they need, like food and shelter and some toys. Art supplies work very nicely in our home. Books, even better. But we are so material, and it just seems to get worse by the minute, we are fed into this idea that we "need" these items that are really extras. I am a SAHM, do I really need a cell phone? Honestly, it is a luxury. I like it, but could do without it if I needed to. Like, now I want to look into the dance school for my daughter, cancelling my cellphone will probably offset that cost of the dance class, seriously. I suppose I want my kids to understand that they are not the rich Hollywood celebrities that are plastered all over the media and know the difference between needing and wanting something.

what momma really wants - a quiet day alone at the beach with no cell phones blasting rap music and no screaming kids - now that would be a luxury!!!

enjoy the moment

Today I will just relax and enjoy my children. Every little chicken nugget and Cheerio on the floor will be celebrated and I will just flow......

New realizations about my own quirks have brought me down to just want to be with them and not worry about the stupid things that don't really matter. The crap like feeling "not good enough" that enters my brain and ruins my day. The stupid thoughts that fog my great moments with my babies.

So with that, the computer is going off for the day and we are off to find some rainy day fun.

my personal heaven

There are those days that I am so glad to be home with my babies. Everything falls into place. I do not yell. No one ends up in time-out. I only vacuum once. We play outside in the warm sunshine, splashing and laughing. Then, Sarah waits until I turn my around to dead-head some flowers and she pinches her brother, continuously until I turn to see what is going on. She screams at me and runs away to the other side of the yard. Then, I see that it's in my hands right now how this will all turn out. Why can't I just stomp and yell and scream? Why do I have to pick everything up myself? I want to scream. I want to yell. I don't feel like a parent at this point, I feel like a 13 year old girl who thinks that this arrangement is not fair. What do I get out of this? Then as I scoop her up in one arm and little JR in the other, she looks at me and says, "Mommy, I need to go in time-out now" All the while she is kicking and yelling and acting just like the two year old that she is. Instead of my normal fight-or-give-in, instead of yelling, I just place her in time-out for the allotted 3 minutes and start to make her lunch. After the timer goes off she scurrried over to the table, ate her lunch and informed that she needed a nice, long, nap now. All is right in out world.

So, with both babies sleeping, what does Momma do?

I cooked up a bag of 94% Fat Free Butter Popcorn in the micro and doused it with some REAL butter. That's lunch for today.

wrong answer!

I used to have a good friend. We lost touch as people sometimes do. After having children, I grew up and realized it didn't matter whose fault it was or whatever it was about. I was going to call, write, but never did. So, the other day in Costco, as I was waiting for Hubby to finish at the Customer Service desk, someone walked up to me, waving the whole time. It took me a minute to figure out that this was the Best Friend of my Old Friend. We chatted quickly and talked about our children and a few other small talk thingys. We said good bye and I felt the sweat pouring off of me. I looked terrible. No make-up, my shirt had a stain on it, and I do think I had peanut butter in my hair. Oh yeah, although I am only about 15 pounds more than when we used to hang out, I look about 45 pounds overweight. As we walked out of the store, Hubby asked about her and who she was. I gave him a quick background and then said
" God, I look so fat, I cannot believe I ran into her today."

guess what Hubby said:

a) Babe, your are beautiful and definately not fat!!!
b) Fat?? Fat?? Honey, you are so not fat!
c) Well she wasn't that thin.

yeah, I got c) when at that moment I was crying out for an a) or a b) or both!!!

Do they ever learn??