between friends

Today as I was flipping through the newspaper I saw a familiar name where you don't want to see it - in the obituaries. She was a wonderfully nice woman. I used to do her hair when I worked in the hair salon years ago. She was also the mother-in-law to a friend I lost touch with long ago.

It wasn't anyone's fault I suppose. Nor did some outrageous thing happen that turned us away from one another. It was just life. It was slow and sometimes quietly obvious as missed phone calls just never got returned. Or, as I lived alone in my own single apartment, she moved on to marry and start in with the babies. Then there was the phone call to tell me she was pregnant for the second time. When I realized she was 6 months along at the time of the call, I knew something had changed between us. That closeness, that quick to call when something bad, great or indifferent had happened. Alot of things went unsaid. I felt angry about a few things. There had been an expressed dislike of the fact I had broken up with a longtime boyfriend of the time. I felt left behind when she favored other girlfriends who seemed to have more time for her.

There are moments you think about that crap over a glass of wine and think that life goes on and you're ok without those long lost friends. Then there are the times, like this morning, when you realize that other people who had a special seat in your heart at one time or another, are hurting. Perhaps my heart is still raw from losing my Pop this summer, or maybe I did yearn to just hug my friend. I thought about it all morning and then I called. Of course it took her a stunned few seconds for her to get a grip of who I was, then there was an awkard silence. I expressed my condolences. I told her I felt so badly it took a death for me to call. I told her I just really wanted her to know how much I wished I could hug her and her family and let them know I truly, truly cared. We both had a shakiness in our voices and although I know why she could have been on the verge of tears with her close loss, my tears were for something else. Lost love, I guess. The memories of how close we used to be, and how far we are now. I'm not sure, but I am glad I trusted my instincts and called, instead of mulling over it for a week. We both expressed our I Love Yous and promised to call. I guess we'll see how it turns out.

no pop for you

Yesterday actually turned out pretty good considering it began with toddler puke on the couch. She was sick all morning, then just a fever and sounding a bit congested in her head. I am hoping that the tummy thing was just because the fever started so fast, but we made sure to take the opportunity to tell her it was because she stole someone's lollipop the day before.
Yep. I was in the very crowded waiting room of the pediatrician on Monday, late afternoon, for something else. As the kids were playing, which grosses me out, all the germs on the toys and stuff, I heard this little voice say "oh, a lollipop", I turned and it was like slow motion. I jumped up and saw my precious little girl steal the pop out of another toddler hand and yeah, she stuck it her mouth. My first thought is "eeww!" Then I'm watching this kid like a hawk for signs of anything that looks like illness. Flesh eating bacteria, stomach flu... why is that child here? Should I ask his mom? We did chat a little when her younger child kept trying to steal my diaper bag. After reprimanding Sarah, she then asked if she could just have her own lollipop. "No dear." was all I could muster.

So of course, after she threw up yesterday, we made sure she understood about germs and other people's food, and so on. Yeah, so this morning I found her eating something, she said it was cereal, off the floor. Eeww.

get the puke bucket...

aah. 4:30am. Awake and very bushy tailed my little girl was ready to play. A little too ready.
Fast forward to 6am, some soy milk. Her regular fave. She hands back the cup, only half empty and asks for her dolly and Dora, and then to be covered up with a blanket on the couch.

holy shit I tell hubby. She's sick.
5 minutes later. Puke, puke all over the couch. The seat that hubby favors. He cleaned it up like a champ and promised to steam clean it tonight. He knows what I could possibly be in for today, as he leaves with a small dab of worry on his face. (but I am sure happy to be leaving the House of Throw Up Horrors.)


more details to come.

inspire me momma

inspire me momma
do not direct every scene
let me fall and find my way back up
see me jump sometimes into the unknown

inspire me momma
do not always yell first
look first
take it in and then decide
how to react, or not

inpsire me momma
be the best
so that I can look at you
and want that for myself

updates for the new yr

Packing up the tree. Cleaning up the house. Trying to be a good enough parent. These things can take up some time. Being good and faithfully going to the gym. The work out is great, but I really think that the time alone keeps me sane. I even had to buy some time at night to right in my own little private journal, so as not to scare anyone online with my deepest, darkest thoughts. Perhaps, that is why I have stayed away for too long. I think I was afraid to vomit out all of my feelings in one post.

So, Sarah loves,loves,loves the movie Mary Poppins right now, so, we watch it every day. Every day. JR loves the Bob the Builder, so we watch it every day too. He is starting to say more words lately, thankfully. Last week at his well visit (he's 20 months old now), the Dr. expressed concern that he was not speaking much more than "Ma" and "D"(for Daddy). It was not two days later when he started talking and babbling nonsense, and I sware he said "strawberry" when I made pancakes and cut up the fruit in front of him that morning. No worries with him on that I guess.

The kids are napping and I am going to take advantage of the few sacred minutes I have to read up on some of my fav blogs and have a HOT cup of coffee.

happiest new year to all!

wishing you inspiration and love for the new year ( and many, many smiles! )

not for the squeamish....

Christmas is over and we can finally rest. The week before the holiday a stomach bug decided to enter our home and cause all kinds of havoc. First the baby, then momma, then Sarah and hubby. The last two decidedly were the sickest of all and it has taken what feels like endless hours to fully air out and disinfect the house. This was our first time dealing with something like this and I am still amazed at 1) how much puke such a little person can produce and 2) how long it can take some kids to actually kick the bug.

Sarah began last Friday nite and was still not fully herself today. In fact, after several vomit-free days, we went for a ride in the car to get the kids some food, and lo-and-behold she threw up in the car, all over the car. When we got home she begged for the chicken nuggets and fries we had just bought, and I gave in, thinking she would probably puke it up anyway, but that it would feel better than those dry heaves she had been having for days. Well, what do you know, the kid was bouncing around, smiling (which she really hasn't been doing lately, even with Santa's delivery!) and laughing! So thank you McD's for the smiles and for filling my hungry little girls oh-so-empty belly!

New Homes for the Holidays

Merry Christmas!! From our homes to yours!!

sick sick sick!

Well, the kids are sick again. It's just crazy to me. They are never sick, and now it seems like, just as they are getting rid of a cold, they are starting a new one! Nothing too painful or serious, but enough to keep us home and not going to playdates or the gym (which my fat butt definately needs right now!) The momma-guilt is setting in about not bringing them to the chiropractor anymore (due to finances), perhaps not getting enough "outside" play time (momma don't like the cold) or just doing something wrong somewhere. Another part of my little delusional mind tells me that kids get sick, and they get better. Just deal with it woman.

As for "mommy-time", such as the gym and shopping for Christmas, I need to accept that I need to do it at night after the kids go to bed.

By the way, has anyone tried to order their Christmas cards online??? I am having such a problem with the websites (all of them!) being so slow. So, if I know and love you, don't take it personally if you don't get a shout out for the holidays from our home this year.

you are cordially invited...

I like manuals. I like to read through and know what to do before I do it. I thought parenting would be that easy, but haha on me. So with that, every once in a while you will be invited to a pity party in my honor.

A few weeks ago, JR was wheezing and we ended up in the ER. I was giving him breathing treatments at home and everything was fine. He was feeling better, breathing good, and due to I suppose my own laziness, we stopped the treatments. For my own peace of mind, the prescription does say "As needed for wheezing".

Last night we ate dinner at my parents, who have a dog. Now I always give my son Benadryl before we get there because he breaks out in terrible hives due to dogs. I forgot. Once again, I suck. By dinnertime my little man's poor little face was covered in itchy hives and his left practically swollen shut. He was miserable, I was crying. I am sitting there worrying about what hubby thinks, what my parents think of me, and wondering if I am fit to mother these children.

poor me.
sucky mom.
why is it so easy to make it about "me" at times like this?

This morning he awoke his normal cheerful self, but while he was eating breakfast he started coughing and wheezing. So, once again, I am thinking "I suck, this is all my fault". I gave him a breathing treatment and the wheezing has subsided.

It frustates me that JR was tested for allergies and nothing showed up, but most apparantly he is allergic to dogs and peanuts, at least to what we know so far. It frustrates me that I fall into this "poor me" attitude when my babies need me the most. It frustrates me that I cannot be more like my MIL, who, like Mary Poppins, is "practically perfect in every way". She would have never forget to give her children medicine or breathing treatment. She always know the right thing to do. I wish I could be more like my good friend DT, who let's it all roll off her back and is always telling me to relax. I wish I felt more like an adult, a parent, instead of still a child in a big body.

When do you start to feel like an adult anyway??

wake up call

4 am. My beautiful, soft little boy, rocking gently in my arms. Go to sleep. I close my eyes and pray that he drifts off. He looks up at me and strokes my cheek. Sweet. He grabs hold of the front of my hair, right at the roots, I wonder to myself how I will look with a bald spot. He pulls, I try not to scream. Please don't wake up little girl. I begin to cough, that tickle in your throat, uncontrolable cough that pains your chest and rattles your entire being. Shit. Please don't wake up little girl, I need my sleep. It's in that moment I realize the problem. The problem of always fighting it.

I hear the rumble of little feet sprinting to my bedroom and I know that when she doesn't find me in bed she knows where to look. I take a deep breath, knowing that the day is set to begin for us now, at 4 am. There is nothing I can do about it. Just go with it. I cough. She runs in and smiles "Momma, thew you aw!". I smile, "Good morning little girl!".

She sings her brother our special "good morning song" and our day begins with a smile.

ouch!

This morning I awoke to a screaming baby and the bagged groceries I left on the counter last night. I couldn't get JR back to sleep, so we turned on Sesame Street, which is on at 5am. (thank you Sprout!) I decided momma needed some coffee and found that in my hurry to put away the "cold stuff" last night, I forgot to put away the ice pops and cheese spread. The cheese is hubby's, and frankly, he would not care if there were cracker crumbs or peanut butter left around the rim of any container, he says it is fine, so I put that in the fridge. The ice pops of course, could not be salvaged.

How could I let this happen? you wonder. I know. Well, when I got home from food shopping with Sarah, I found hubby on the couch in pain. He had moved the treadmill up 2 flights of stairs by himself and either cracked a rib or pulled a muscle. So, me in a worried state as momma's do, rushed to get the groceries out of the car. As I grabbed the last few bags in my left hand, I pulled down the tailgate door of the minivan with my right and... WACK! I slammed the door down on my head. I know you are thinking "no she didn't". I am totally here to tell you "YES, I DID!" In a daze I ran into the house screaming "There's a hole in my head!!", while hubby is laughing at me and rolling aorund in pain. what dorks we are.

So here we are, at our quaint little home. Momma with the hole in her forehead (thankfully I can cover it up with some bangs) and hubby with a broken something-or-other in his gut. I am quite unsure at this moment if we are fit to raise 2 children, well, make that 3 if I get my way.

me first!!

I remember a while back there was an episode on Oprah that really got some conversation going for momma's. There were the momma's who put the kids first, then the house, then the hubby, never getting to themselves. Then there were the momma's who said "I come first, then hubby, then the kids." What an uproar the dowdy little never think of themselves momma's had over this way of thinking. At the time I didn't have any children, or, Sarah was an infant so this really didn't resonate with me.

Now I get it. By putting yourself first, you are not being selfish. You are insuring that you will be the best partner and mother you can be. You are setting a good example for your children, especially your daughters. By putting your relationship with your "significant other" in the forefront you are saying "This is important, this is what makes our family work". It doesn't mean you are having wild sex in the living room while the kids run amuck in a sugar induced daze. ( although...) kidding! Your children are better provided for when the relationship between the parents is free of stress and full of love.

I find myself doing more for me and I am better for it. The past two days I have made it a point to have "mommy time" at the gym while hubby stayed home to entertain the kids. I was able then, to be fully present for my family for the remainder of the day, and felt really good about myself as well. The rest of the week we do go to the gym and the kids enjoy the child care room there, however, they have been sick and frankly, when I am working out and I know they are in the next room, out of my sight, it sort of freaks me out that I am not with them.

now, if I could only figure out a way to get someone else to do the cooking...

can I get your attention please..

It has been a little hard to find the time to browse my favorite blogs lately. The kids don't feel well, don't sleep well, and attach to my legs like little leeches when they are awake. Not that I mind, of course. We all need to feel the love once in a while. It just makes it way difficult for momma to feel her own love, that's all. It also makes it difficult for momma to read a book, color her hair (which I finally got to last night, after having the box of color for 2 weeks), polish toenails, or snuggle with hubby. Any of the things that make me feel human, to say the least.

Sometimes venting makes us feel better, sometimes it just makes us look, well, a bit selfish. At this point, I'll admit selfishness if it means wanting to pee by myself or eat a warm meal with interruption.

Today, even though it is cold and windy, leaves blowing all sorts of directions, we NEED to get outside. I NEED to get outside.

send some love this way........

breaks my little heart

On monday I ended up taking JR to the dr because he was having trouble breathing. Two breathing treatments later and we are on our way to the hospital. (freaking out!!!) A few more breathing treatments, a chest x-ray and we were released with a script for antibiotics (ear infection), some sort of steroid for his lungs, and an order to do more breathing treatments at home (with the nebulizer the dr's office gave us earlier).

Skip to late yesterday afternoon when I notice JR is not walking but crawling and dragging his self around by his arms. I try to get him to step on his feet, but he keeps staying off the left one. (freaking again, I am thinking brain tumor, deadly medication side effect....). Once hubby was home we called the dr who said this was not a side effect to any of the meds he was on and he must of hurt himself, he suggests no er since I was coming to see him for a follow up today anyway. So I called the in-laws who were already on the way over because I called them in a state of panic earlier, to tell them to turn around and head back home. (what did people do before cell phones??)

After the drama and a good cry I remembered he did fall earlier in the day, right before his nap. It never struck me as anything really since the kids are always wrestling and falling and bumping into things. So today the dr sent us for another x-ray, after he checked that his lungs were clear and the ear infection beginning to heal.

We just got the phone call a few minutes ago to say that the x-ray was negative and there was no break or crack or anything (thank goodness!) So, per the dr, JR will probably be limping around for a few days until it starts to feel better.

oh, the drama !

I did notice something interesting about kids when we were waiting at the imaging center to get his x-rays done. Here is a little man, in pain, and yet not one complaint. He simply dragged himself, crawled, or scooted to where he wanted to be, and believe me, he was ALL over that waiting room. It's too bad that some adults cannot follow suit and just deal sometime.

snot today

rock and roll!!

uh, ma could ya move??

enjoying sister's birthday presents...

happy 3rd birthday baby girl!!

My little man is teething. Teething and drooling and snotting. Grossly.

Of course he woke up yesterday morning with the non-stop boogarfest draining from his face, as I was finishing up the final touches for his sister's 3rd birthday party. Lovely. I called our niece who has a newborn to let her know the situation, so she wouldn't think we were dirty and contagious. I called my Mom for some advice, then I counted the hours until I could legally and without guilt open a bottle of merlot.

The bash began with me, the momma-not-in-control, with 2 hours sleep from the night before, lashing out at anyone who dared step in my way, or offer to help (how dare they! Do they doubt that I cannot do it ALL??) Hubby and I took turns wiping down the snotty-drooling savage, who other than not having his afternoon nap, was pretty good.

Sarah enjoyed her party, which, due to a large family for both Hubby and I, we stick to strictly family. So, the only glitch for her was there were no other small children, being that her cousin K was home sick. She loved her cupcakes (which, by the way most Duncan Hines cake mixes and frostings are milk-free, thank you Duncan-Hines!!!)

Now, for today I will skip the gym and hopefully make it there tonight as JR's nose is pretty runny and he keeps coughing on the excess drool he's got goin' on in there. I suppose I am being silly, because I know that not everyone is on lock-down when there kid is teething, but I just feel like the girls that watch the kids there don't need to be on snot-patrol.

howling halloween

what do you meeaan no more candy???




pleeeeze, no more pictures!!

Our Halloween evening began when Hubby came home, pizza in hand, ready for dinner. As I turned around to get the kids to the table, I noticed what looked like mud on the floor and then on Sarah's mouth. Hubby comes home after going over to the high school where he volunteers coaching the football team, so I knew it was either mud or goose poop. Praying it was just mud, I turned to Sarah and asked her what she ate, when she realized it was not chocolate, she immediately started spitting and wiping off her tongue. I once again had to explain to my little girl not to ever eat anything off the ground, especially if it is brown.

After that, the evening went smooth, it's really easy with small kids because you really only have to trick-or-treat to a few neighbors houses and they are happy. As for this morning, both kids woke up wanting to wear their costumes again, probably hoping for some more treats.

how about a 27 hour day??

It truly amazes me how the time flies by and I don't really get anything done. I am trying to be more positive and ala The Secret, try to focus on what I do get done, but reality and the tones of negativity set in and I realize that I forgot the laundry in the washer for 2 days and it stinks and that yes, the bathroom floor does need to be vacuumed up at least twice a week no matter how hard I try to tell myself it doesn't. Ok, my kids ears are clean and they don't stink, so I suppose that is a plus. I already told Hubby that we are going to enjoy hot dogs and potato salad for dinner and he didn't seem to put off. He actually likes having hot dogs, me, not so much.

My goal for the rest of the day is to NOT even attempt to open the huge bags of Halloween candy that I bought at Costco this morning. We get literally 5 trick-or-treaters to our house, being on a small dead-end street (how depressing that sounds, a dead-end street!!) Anyway, I always way too much candy, then we (as in Hubby and I) eat it all, then bitch about it. So, whatever is left is going back to the store.

love thursday

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Marching for Boobs

This past Sunday, my Mom, Sarah and I walked in the local Making Strides Against Breast Cancer walk. It was a beautiful day and when we completed our walk we felt all good and helpful and stuff.

Here, Sarah stands at the edge of the crowd, itching to run right in, and then, a juicy apple afterward.