TO DO or NOT TO DO...

My TO DO's has grown and grown and I seem to be lost on where to begin:

• Plan JR's 3rd birthday party- (yeah, this Sunday!)
• Stop eating ice cream EVERY DAY!
• Figure out when to potty train the little guy..
• Also figure out how to get him off the binky (pacifier)
• Clean out my closet
• Iron hubby's stuff that has been sitting in a pile for weeks
• Stop thinking about ice cream EVERY DAY!
• Call Donna (thinking about you girl!!)
• Call Dana (yes, would love to go to lunch on Fri!)
• Smile at hubby (I think I was snarling when he left this morning..)
• Stop buying ice cream, even when it is on sale!
• Buy some new workout clothes, current stuff is actually getting to loose and distracting when I am at the gym.
• Plan computer during the day and stick to a schedule, so I am not mindlessly Tweeting and blogging and FB all day....
• Hug my kids, because even though they probably think I am the Mommy-Monster and the crankiest chick in town, I love them and certainly their hugs are the best part of the day!!!

Off to hug the cuties!

no yelling by 12pm...

Life always seems to throw in it's two sense just when you think you have it all figured out. Here I was, working out, eating great - gluten-free definately seems the way to go for me! I was feeling good and taking care of myself and I really felt like I was moving forward. I even felt a little bit more patience with the kiddies (yes, I hear Hubby chuckling at that one!) Anyhoo, I had it down pat. Then, both kids came down with that stomach-puking-and-coming-out-the-other-end thing, as well as dear Hubby getting sick too. I think I have never done so much laundry EVER, and that is just what needed to be done right away! I am still catching up with everything else. So, no gym for momma for a week, no trainer, no planned meals - just eating on the run, or from running from sick child to sick child, then to laundry room. As I hit the gym today, my awesome trainer Francine noticed I was not hitting it as hard as I could. Normally when I get to "that point", the point where I would probably stop on my own, but have her to help me push through, I usually start to laugh a little nervous laughter. Today, I wanted to cry and throw up. So strange the way our bodies deal with stress. Afterward, I felt that "I needed that!" goodness and can now go on with the rest of the day feeling that I accomplished something.

And no, I didn't puke.

Crying on the other hand will probably come later tonight when I can finally settle in and just gather my thoughts. Parenting, really putting them first can be tiring. And duh! why shouldn't it be? Sometimes though, I wonder if I am cut out for this - 4 year old Sarah hits her brother (3 yrs old), I tell her to go to her room to cool down - she shouts "NNNOOO!!" and then tells me to go to my room!! I walk over and tell her that she will spend longer in there if I have to carry her
there myself. She yells, but goes. She continues to scream while in her room for 15 minutes, then asks if she can come out. I politely tell her that her "Time Out" has not yet begun, that the timer will be set when she cools down first. Do you think she liked this? She yelled and screamed and I called Hubby for some backup- am I doing something wrong? I am trying not to yell or REACT. She needs to learn that people will listen when she is calm and not yelling. He assures me that this seems to be a better way than the Yell-First-Ask-Later route I usually take. Eventually, she did calm down and I went into her room, gave her hug and told her she could come out.

The thing is, do they learn? Or, is this a dance that we will do for how many more years to come?
As for right now, she tired herself out into a nap and I can watch my this morning's recorded episode of "The View".

another sick day

I found a minute to jump in the shower. Thank goodness for that! I even shaved my legs and will slap some make-up on in a few. I know, home with 2 sick kids, why the make-up? Listen, you never know when the Maytag man will show up (although, that would be really strange since there is nary a Maytag appliance in our home...) Yet, if he were to show up, I'd at least look human. Kids are napping for a while and Sarah finally believes me now that if she takes another sip of Gatorade it will come right back up.

As for the momma-work-in-progress I have noticed a major good change in me- normally when the kids are sick and I feel stressed, I EAT. I mean EAT ALL DAY LONG! I feel now though that it is important to take better care of myself in order to take better care of them, the little ones and the Hubby. I have been keeping track of what I eat, and when I eat certain food (wheat, gluten) how I feel and it's always the same- itching throat, sinus congestion, stomach ache a few hours later, but the thing I notice the most is my mood. I had this big, GIGANTIC muffin yesterday and I immediately felt fogginess in my head and very, very irritable (yes Hubby, more than normal!). Knowing this really helps me make better decisions on what and when I eat. Later this month I have an appointment for allergy testing since I want to get to the bottom of it in case there is something that needs to be checked with the kids. But even if no test shows a gluten intolerance or allergy, I believe it IS important to listen to your body- it certainly knows best. (now as for the pizza and wine last night, let's just think of that as medication!!)

that's a man for ya!

It has been 20 minutes since my last post. Do you know what can happen in 20 minutes? Well my little girl has gotten sick, again. I cleaned that up and then noticed JR still playing the Leapster on the couch. Funny, he doesn't usually lay on his belly to play? Then I smelled it. The overwhelming diaper smell. Ok yeah, he is 3 and still in diapers. We'll talk about that another day. So I don't even need to check his diaper because it is all up his back, on his pants, his shirt, everywhere. Everywhere but the couch. I have to give him credit, since in his video game induced stupor, by rolling over and not wanting to sit in his mess, he saved my couch from a major, major stain. thank you son for being a man.

Now I need a vacation. I called Hubby, ordered a pizza and opened a bottle of wine. A good wine. Here's to momma's all around the world. The puke cleaners, the poop wipers, all of it.

And now to my dear trainer, you can certainly kick my ass majorly when I finally break free and see you later this week...

Salud!!

help

Here we go again! JR had a stomach-puking thing going on for a few days and now sweet Sarah has it. I never knew that when I had children that the color and content of their vomit would be such an issue. oh my god- is that blood? oh no, just a blueberry from her muffin this morning. Really, and now I sware I am starting to feel queasy myself. I'm not sure if it's in my head or if Hubby is gonna be holding my hair back later while I yack into the toilet. uh oh- flashback of the good ole days! But then, those episodes were completely self-induced by overindulgence of gin & tonics and way too many buffalo wings.

And yes, what a great mom I am. Running down the stairs to blog, wiping the handrail with disinfecting wipes as I trotted my little way of "getting out of the house", praying that Hubby will allow me to go out to the gym to cardio my ass away. I am listening for the sick sounds upstairs, but at the same time googling "gluten-free recipes" for myself. Thank goodness the Leapster keeps JR busy, so I guess you would call this a break for today. Until I hear the moaning and yelling for "Mommeeeee!", then it's back to work. Oh, and I suppose I should plan something for dinner too. Leftovers sound very nice right about now.

health and good choices

We lose people we love.
We lose time by complaining or remaining inactive.
Too much loss for one girl to handle.

My recent enlightenment on my own health and well-being is definately what is first on my mind lately. I wake up and feel great. I know that the choices I make will make it a great day, or a crappy day. I know this, we all know this. Sometimes we choose to make the decisions that hurt us, usually out of habit or comfort. But when we step up and make the choice to put ourselves first, not in the "I deserve the damn ice cream" sense, but in the " I deserve to live a full and healthy life" sense, then it is a win-win situation. I have a great day without migraines or stomach troubles. I have energy. My kids get a mom with more patience and love to go around, and last for the entire day. Hubby gets, well, he gets some good momma. Everyone's happy all around.

What has been the change? Well I came to find out with some dietary changes that it is either wheat or gluten that affects my body in a very bad way. I am not a doctor and would tell anyone who thinks they might have a problem to always see their doctor first. I made some apppointments in order to pinpoint the cause, the first starting with an actual allergy. Then we'll move on from there. So the kids and I stopped by the health food store to pick up a few items to make some waffles tomorrow that we can all enjoy. Excited! Yes, excited to enjoy food without always complaining how sick I feel. Yeah, I'll miss the beer, but hey, I can handle some fun times with a gin and tonic or a nice bottle of wine!

*make the choice to see the brighter side of things each and every day!!!!!*

bye bye cranky momma!

I have really been working on "me" for the past 3 weeks. I have been working out hardcore with a trainer and really fine-tuning my diet. I have come to realize that feeling like crap all the time is not ok or normal in any way. I took wheat out for a few days and when I had some donuts today- holy moly! My mouth got all itchy and a little while later my stomach ached and my shoulders and neck were so tense. My body felt- attacked. I have to face the facts now. I made an appointment with the allergist for next month as my first step. I figure I'll start with allergy testing first, since I seem to be ok with oatmeal it may not be a "gluten" thing, but an actual wheat allergy. This sucks, but, this is so not bad. I can live with this. I can still eat ice cream! The fact that I have not had one of those terrible headaches I usually get routinely tells me that something is definately up.

This time I have been taking for me is reminding me that in order to be the best mom and role model to Sarah and JR I need to take care of myself- this is NOT selfish. Besides, who wants a cranky old momma with a headache all the time?

balance

Balancing act- that's what it feels like these days. Trying to get my Avon business up and running, JR's asthma, Sarah's milk allergy, working out with a trainer and really taking care of myself. Ah- what is missing? Hubby. I know it's sort of a shock lately for him. Me, eating gluten-free, working out hard when I can. Focusing on me. NOT eating ice cream every night. I know that change can be difficult. This is hard for me. But I stop and think about my family and how I am always feeling like crap. My daughter needs to see a good example in me. My son needs extra care. My hubby, even though he doesn't verbalize it does need a happier and healthier me. So they are my muses, the ones I seek inspiration from.

here we go, another day

take a deep breath...

I have stick in a serious circle of frustration-&-anger. The kind that is most difficult to break free. Sick kids, hubby away, mounting cleaning-laundry-forever-cleaning-the-kitchen. Overwhelmed I guess would really be the best way to describe it. Then the kids act up and I just start right away with the yelling. Doesn't get any better that way does it?

This morning I woke up and promised myself no reacting, just deal with things calmly as they arise. I created the mess around me by putting off certain cleaning (like the laundry and dining rooms). Now I need to take care of business. Even if it sucks, because I am the grown up here and that's what I need to do.

toy hammers and toilets

I took away all the toy hammers. Really I did, quite a while ago. Because what would any normal stocky little 3 year old boy do with them? That's right, bang the walls and tv really really hard with them. Of course. Isn't that what they are for anyway? So, to my surprise as I was doing my own business in the bathroom, the kids playing nicely (so it seemed), I heard this loud, insane banging sound from the wall behind me. "stop JR", I say loud enough to be heard through the wall but not yet a yell. The banging continues, with giggling surrounding it. See, he knew he got me. I couldn't do anything from my current position. "STOP JR", I say louder, ok, I yelled. Really loud. Trying hard to finish what I'm doing, yelling at a child who is laughing at me and banging his hammer even harder now. What's a girl to do?

Hubby is away for a few days and my stress level has been maintained at "elevated". I even woke up this morning, looked in the mirror with a forced smile and said "This is a new day, we are going to have a great day!!" That lasted an entire 45 minutes until the hammer-mom-stuck-on-the-toilet-incident. So what IS a girl to do? Nothing else but a grab a toy hammer and bang away with the rest of the bunch!

allergy season

Allergy season has begun in our NJ household and the same as last year, JR's asthma is the first sign of pollination. Poor kid! Wheezing, coughing and running nose. I tried to take care of it myself but in the end had to run him over to the allergist for fear it would get worse. Albuterol, Singulair, another inhaled steroid, it's just too much. My "mommy guilt" trips me up and I just wonder WHY? why does this sweet little boy have to suffer? did I do something wrong? nutritionally or household? I know, why do I do this to myself, as if I am so powerful to create or inhibit such an illness in a child. Well, I do see it's unnecessary blame attached to myself, but I see all his symptoms and just wonder to myself- what is causing this? I am not content to just accept, in this particular situation, that this is it. I feel frustrated when I try to talk to the doctor about nutritional and supplemental support that I have read about in books and online, and then I am turned down and made to feel that that is nothing that I can do. I, as any parent, want to do more for my child and his health.

The really funny thing is that I am so concerned about his well being, and yet, at the age of almost 3, I still completely treat him like the baby of the family. He still uses his "binky" and blanky AND he's still in diapers. So really what the heck is the guilt all about anyway? Or is it just intuition and knowing when to pick the battle and when not to?

holy missing teeth batman!

The Tooth Fairy has arrived at our house! We cannot believe that at 4 years old she has already lost her first two teeth! I just keeping thinking boys, high school drama, college, cars..... the list goes on. I just want to enjoy my baby now.

The funny thing is, if you were to ask Sarah she will tell you that her brother knocked her 1st tooth out (well, sort of). She was sitting on her bed playing with her loose tooth and JR jumped onto her, all we heard her say was " something happened to my tooth Mommy", then she held it up in the air and said "Boojie knocked it out". That's her story and she 's sticking to it!

The second tooth came out a few nights later.

Hubby and I were laughing when I remembered how the Tooth Fairy brought me a quarter a tooth. Each of Sarah's teeth was worth $2. Which she promptly gave $1 both times to her brother so that he could get a donut with her. So sweet! Certainly makes a momma proud. I KNOW I did not share any of my TF money with any siblings! It is definately moments like that to show you that you are not doing such a bad job as a parent.

time me out

WE got hit with a snow storm last night, which we usually don't end up with, so we are excited. Hubby is out plowing snow since midnight and I had all intentions to get out and start clearing out the driveway so he has someplace to put his truck when he gets home later. Sarah happily began the process of dressing for the cold. JR was playing with her little handheld Leapster game, that's when I pried it out of his hands and realized he had peed through his diaper onto the couch - that's 1. As I stripped him down to change him, then proceeded to clean the couch he threw such a fit and went into an asthma attack - that's 2. He wanted nothing to do with the rescue inhaler so I had to pull out the nebulizer and sit with him for a breathing treatment.

Now the kids are hungry.

I pull out some applesauce, cinnamon toast and their soy milk. When they finish up I need to clean up.

Now I'm hungry and grab an apple and some peanut butter.

At this point they simply prefer to stay in and play Wii. What?? So I jump on Facebook to see who's on, check emails and that sort of thing. I settle in with my green tea ready to mindlessly web around. Wait- what's that? Now they want to go out - that's 3- Momma needs a time out.

lessons learned

We are set to meet up with some old friends of mine tonight. I am so excited, and yet, that "high-school angst" still kicks in. When you totally lose touch with someone, your last memories are of how and who they were then, like 11 years ago are what comes to mind. Same with their thoughts on me I suppose. I was not a very "present" person, very emotional, very ME ME ME. Boys were always drama and I made everyone around me feel it. As I prepare to see my friends, who I truly miss and love deeply I do have to remember that their lives did go on without me. They had ups and downs and who knows what else. I kind of feel like I am meeting up in some ways with new friends.

The weirdest part of it all is that I have become "mom", that is my identity now. Sarah cannot even comprehend that I have friends that she doesn't know, or that don't know me as "Sarah's mom". We make our lives, rewrite our scripts and unfortunately we sometimes leave some people behind. In surrounding ourselves with people we care about we create those villages that it takes to raise our kids. In keeping our friendships, making new ones and reigniting old ones we take the time to broaden our identity from more than "mom" or " wife" or "fitness buff". We open up to all the possibilities of who we are and isn't that what we really want to teach our kids?

breathe

The past few days have felt like an eternal rest in preschooler hell. really. Sarah has had some bad times, topped off with my inability to cope, which I will fully blame on PMS. So last night I put on Dora for the kids after we cleaned up from the dinner that no one really ate anyway, I put out my yoga mat, ready for some me time. Normally I do ashtanga yoga, which for anyone who doesn't know is a set of specific poses done in the same order each time, basically. I, in my hormonal fluctuations and irritability down to my bones just couldn't hack it. I just sort of "winged it" and did whatever poses I thought of. It felt good. The stress eased away from my neck. My back felt normal again. I could think clearly. But the most amazing part of the whole thing was that as I began to feel whole again, as I stretched and breathed and worked it all out, the kids both came up to me and started doing yoga with me. Away from the tv. They didn't even speak, neither of them. Now what would usually happen is I would try to find something else for them to do, you know, don't jump in momma's space. But last night was different. I wonder if they sensed that I was coming back around from the jumpy mind fog I felt all day. Or maybe they truly just wanted to be with momma. Either way, the day ended nice, calm and peaceful. Just what we needed to begin anew today. ( and boy did I need it! )

namaste.

skiing - NOT!

A few years back, before I was a momma, or Hubby's wife even, hubby and I went skiing. Well, he went skiiing. My B-I-L aka- "Tree Man", and Hubby tried desperately to teach me. I put on my boots, complained I couldn't walk. All I kept thinking about was that the ski pants made my ass look HUGE. I put on the skis and ventured onto the ski lift, which I was terrified of as I am afraid of heights. I cannot even step onto a chair without feeling a little queasy. So I get on the ski lift and cry the whole time up the little bunny slope. I fell off at the top. Yeah. Mind you in PA at the time it was like 50 degrees and I think it was more slush than snow on the mountain. Tree Man and Hubby try to teach me. I am stubborn and just yell out "I caaann'ttt do it!", several annoying times. Tree Man gets behind me and really tries his best and in his most patient and fatherly like voice teaches me over and over again. I squat and sit on the ground, I'm not budging, this is stupid, I can't do it. I rip off the skis and walk down the side of the hill. I went for a nice long walk around the resort and then ended up at the bar where I had a great time. The point of the story is that I am stubborn and that you cannot get me to do something that I don't want to do.

Fast forward to 2009, my beautiful Sarah is 4 years old. What does she do when she is told to clean her room or pick up a few things by herself? "I caaannn'ttt do it!!!" is the chorus I hear ringing from her room. "I'm not moving, I'll sit here all day! I don't care!" Forgetting about my own little attitude problem I constantly wonder aloud - where did this child come from? what is her deal? I sit and laugh and see that she is me. She is smart and stubborn. Creative, but wants things done her way. In her own time.

Now I just wonder when I will be able to get Hubby and Tree Man to take her skiing so I can get some time alone at the bar...

just a weird thought

If you just stop and breathe once in a while, you see the humor in your life. Yesterday I went to my Dad's house with the kids to have lunch with him for his birthday. When we left I was so relaxed, it was a good visit - no one ended up in time-out, both kids behaved. As I'm driving home I look lovingly into the backseat and JR is eating snow off his boots (eww!) and Sarah is totally digging for gold up her nose. Normally I would yell out "stoppp that !" "eww!" But I was so calm and all I thought was - don't eat the yellow snow.. Then, and I don't know where this came from, I started to wonder, in all seriousness, if anyone had ever been burned by the heated leather seats in their car. Really. As I felt all warm and cozy in my fam van I really wanted to know if there are any serious burn victims from the luxury of leather seats!

Truth be told, without the weird thoughts and freezing cold weather, it was a very good day.
And, my butt was very warm.

small children & other things that can go wrong

Jr was up at 3:30am. Yes, you read that correctly - 3:30 AM! He insisted that he had to go potty (at 2 1/2 he refuses to use the bathroom for us, but seems to need it in the middle of the night!) Well as I suspected, he had already went in his diaper. I quietly changed him and brought him back to his bed. He was not ready for bed. He was ready for playing and laughing. After about an hour I got him to go back to sleep (thank goodness for that!!)

Fast forward to 7:45am when he had an appointment at the allergist to follow up on meds and asthma. I had the kids pack their bags with some books and toys. I was ready. I went over the rules - no yelling or running around, no touching things that aren't ours, blah blah blah. As I stood there trying to listen to the Dr., the kids running around me & ignoring my pleas for compliance, it was as if my mind was whisked away to a far off land - what did he say? why can't they sit still for 2 freakin' seconds? why? relax, they're kids this little voice said slowly and quietly. So, they're kids, they're not gonna listen? The woman who walked into the waiting room after us sure had a couple of little ones that lined up, they were quiet, read their books, and even talked softly. They didn't yell or jump up. Granted, they weren't smiling either, so in my mind I'm thinking they didn't have such a great morning at their house either.

So what does a stressed out overthinking momma do? She goes on amazon.com and orders up some more parenting books because she is thoroughly convinced that someone out there has the answer, and it will be found.

being home

I found recently that in order to maintain some sense of myself through the day of staying home with two small children, that I need to have goal. Sounds silly right? Well for me I need to feel there is a purpose or my day just feels, well, unlived? I have to remind myself that I am here to raise happy, healthy kids. I am here to guide, not dictate. I hate the anger and yelling. I hate feeling like I am supposed to "control" how they act and what they do. They are kids. I cannot even control myself at times, and I am expecting them to be all "sit down and don't move"?

Really, the problem arises when I compare. Just like comparing our own fat ass to someone else's, comparing kids can be dangerous. Sarah has high energy and reacts much differently than other kids, this does not make her bad, nor does it imply that she needs to be medicated either. I, as her mother, can see her differences and try to focus with hubby on her needs and what works for her. I am fully prepared to home-school her if she has problems in school. I am fully prepared to work with her so we can learn how she thinks and what helps her focus. THAT'S what parents do. Right now I can see that I have been digital scrapbooking a project and blogging, and it seems that the kids are getting restless. Instead of my usual frustration and "why can't I do this.." attitude, I will stop and play with them, because isn't that really why I am home with them ??

How does Angie do it?

Seriously, how do you get the kids to get along, pottytrain, look amazingly beautiful (well, that would be genes..), keep a serene look on your face and gaze lovingly at your significant other, and she has 6 kids?? I have 2 and hubby is really lucky if I smile a little more than usual. I use my power of positivity, my affirmations, and still cannot keep it together sometimes. Is my identity so wrapped up in the "mommy" that I forget about the rest of me? I am serious though, like, do her kids scream and punch each other as she and Brad are walking out the door to a red-carpet thang, or do they wave and smile and hold each other's hands tightly? Is there fighting over who gets to be blue while playing Candyland? Do they watch Wall-E every single day? Is there screaming kids and children who refuse to go to time-out? Does the momma yell? Oh yes, and hubby swears that she must wear very sexy lingerie-pajamas-whatever for Brad! Really? With kids jumping in and out of the bed through the night?

ok, enough about that. I have vented for the day. I certainly am not as beautiful as a movie star, but I'm sure my day is not all that out of the ordinary for a regular ol' momma either.
But really, don't you want to know?

crouching momma, screaming child

How is that the sweetest little baby girl has turned into, um, a monster? Is it a fight for independance? Am I unrealistic with my expectations? I really don't know what to do sometimes. She acts up, I count, if I get to 3 it's time out you go. She will scream and fight her way there, saying she doesn't love me, blah blah blah. I try to remain calm, you know, let her know I'm in charge, she can't ruffle my feathers. Then it happens - my feathers get tousled and turned. I scream, I lose myself. AAAHH! It is in those moments that I feel low. Seriously, if hubby did something disrespectful or talked back in a nasty tone, would I yell and smack his bottom? No, I just think to myself "idiot" and usually try to redirect. Lovingly.

I read something recently in a parenting book, about how we are not responsible FOR our kids, but TO them. In other words we are responsible to teach and guide. It is up to us to teach them to think for themselves and make their decisions for action on their own. Now I know at 4 years old I am still dealing with tantrums and sleep issues( to nap or not to nap, that IS the question!) and just a general nonunderstanding of many things in her world, but, could it be possible that a gentler momma could help her not feel that she needs to fight it out all the time?

I get that I am not their "friend", but their parent. I understand my place, but how to go about it sometimes frustrates me to no end! How come when we go somewhere, like the chiropractors office, and I explain the rule -"respect this place, no running around, no screaming...."- why on this great green earth do they do just that? I was not supposed to be the frazzled, yelling, uptight momma. I was supposed to be the cool, hip( and very cute ) momma who smiles all the time and whose kids actually listened.
Seriously, don't laugh, a woman can dream.

snow day fun this past week

the facebook thang

So I did the facebook thing, and for my dear grandmothers who might not know, it is a website that people post their info- names, schools attended, towns lived in, to network and keep in touch with friends from high school, college, things like that. So weird it is!! Like, do you really want to know what your ex-boyfriend is up to?? I don't. Not that I don't care or anything,wish the very best for them, but, don't really want to "keep in touch". Or, maybe, the old friends that you had a falling out with, or, just let time slip away without keeping in touch? How do you approach that? Do you just skulk around reading their profiles (if they are not privacy locked), not letting them know you are a complete stalker in the making, OR do you just jump right in there? So very high-school-drama isn't it? And then there is my teenage brother, who I'm pretty sure is not on that website, but I don't think he would want me to know about his party-friends-and-other-goings-on. I know that when I was 18 years old I didn't want to share all that with some old-34-year-old-woman!

Until I figure out the proper etiquette for facebook use, I will continue to pretend that I don't silently look out for those old friends and I sware I won't tell the mothers of the teenage nieces and nephews that have befriended me of the beer drinking and partying pics.
For now.....

sleep and other dreams of mommahood

ok, so my kids got up at 4:30am this morning. I am smiling, really I am. I had my coffee, my protein shake and I'm trying to do my online blog reading now so I can enjoy the rest of the day with them. The weather looks a little warmer than it has been, so I am hoping to get them outside and running around.

I just wonder, does anyone else's kids get up so freakin' early? seriously. They go to bed at 8pm. They sleep through the night, although, they sometimes end up in our bed at some point through the night, but they must tiptoe in and slide under the covers, because hubby & I wake up and they are just, well, there. Being the ever-overanalyzing-momma I wonder - what the heck am I doing wrong? Is this normal? I miss my 8 hour of sleep nights, and I did have them even after the kids were born! Is it too much tv during the day? Should I run them like dogs outside even on the coldest days? AAAHHH!!

I know, shut up! Be happy they are healthy and happy (most of the time!) and hubby and I seem to be getting a handle on their tantrums and attitude problems that seem to be arising lately. As for my tantrums and attitude problems, well, I have earned them a little bit, don't ya think???

bread update

so my last I went on and on about our bread making day. Here's some pics. It was a denser bread due to the whole wheat flour, but a few days later I made french toast with it and it was awesome!! (at least, I thought so, and being the momma, that's the opinion that matters, right?)

the kids waiting patiently outside the oven door....

freshly sliced bread....(yeah, momma's a little proud of herself now!)

yummy!!!

snowy day baking fun

Very cold and snowy here today in NJ. Not in the mood to pack the kids up in the car to go work out at the gym, I'll just do it later this afternoon at home. So, as I love love love to bake, I decided to try my hand at bread - cinnamon raisin bread to be exact. I replaced 1/2 the flour with whole wheat so I didn't feel to badly about it, and right now it is on the second rising. After this, on to bake in the oven. It already smells so good! The kids really got into the kneading and rolling into loaves, so they are very excited to see the final result. (pics for the next post!!)

I am *hoping* that with Sarah really enjoying the baking and anticipation of the results of her labor, that soon she will enjoy the other cooking a little more( more so to enjoy more food, especially more nutritious foods! ) She is very difficult with not ever wanting to try something new, nothing with any sort of sauce or topping, and with her dairy allergy, it makes it difficult anyway. Lately, if she refuses to eat dinner, I have just been telling her that she is welcome to eat a banana, which she promptly refuses. So, I figure if she was really that hungry, the banana would be just fine. She's still growing, so I'm thinking missing a few meals here and there wouldn't be so bad for her??

just some notes

Jr has moved to a big boy bed.

My Grandpa (Poppa) is doing better.

Kids are napping.

I will be working out some soon.


Sending love and smiles to all!

small reminders

Smile more
Be thankful
Stop yelling first
Just listen
Enjoy the sound

Kids playing
Hubby time
Stay in touch
Don't overthink

New Year's Wishes

In trying to teach the kids about goals, instead of "resolutions", we made a family list and put it on the fridge, one "wish" or goal for each person. Mine was to work on my scrapbooks more often, Hubby's was to work on his little projects in the garage (he loves to build things). Sarah (4 yrs old) said that she would like to play outside more often, which I think is fantastic!! (her new word for everything now by the way) Jr (2 1/2 yrs old) stated that he would like more cake.

Well, I will just have to comply!!

Happy New Year and Love to all!!

playtime

Why do I try to blog and do anything on the computer with 2 small children circling me like vultures? That's sounds bad, I know. I thought that with a playroom near by, they would play happily (and quietly), while I typed away. Duh!! I should know better. I am the oldest of 6. Do I not remember the utter chaos? Do I not remember the screaming (parents and children included), the fights and the crying?? So, for today, I will stop, play and listen. Just be in the moment right? I can type later. Then I can update you other things, like trying to lose the holiday weight, kid's Christmas pics and making happiness an everyday habit.

Love to all

AAAHHHH!!

I tried to finish up the baking, clean up the kitchen, and all without the kids screaming. WWHHAATT? you say? A 2 and 4 year old who kept themselves busy for longer than 10 minutes? No. Of course not. What the heck was I thinking? I got all the cooking stuff done and thought, well, maybe I could work out a little bit. It's been a week since I got to the gym, JR's been sick and I need to stress release some major energy. After 35 minutes of fighting with the kids on which puzzle to set them up with, I popped on my new Britney Spears cd and went to work on my circuit training. The kids screamed, fought and yelped. Momma was not happy, Momma was not yet even sweating when the phone rang... A dear friend who I haven't spoken to in ages was telling me about her infertility stuff and the whole process when... the kids decide to have a screaming contest. Right there in front of me. Now normally, I would just leave the room to have an adult conversation on the phone for a few minutes, but, hubby is sick and napping and I didn't want them to wake him up so that he could possibly enjoy the party later.
I hang up the phone and I'm ready to scream and yell and then I remember that I am the adult. Yeah, me. Who would have thought? So I put my dreams of a hot rockin' body and a talk with a friend aside and just played with the kids. And yeah, they behaved.

Merry merry to everyone!!

twinkle twinkle

Making cookies, wrapping presents, and trying to work out daily so that I can eat the yummy treats without severe consequence. Busy days.

Here's a little twinkly serenade for the Grandmothers...

mmm mmm monday

So yesterday I made some really good beer bread, and not from the cute little overpriced mix that you buy at some home parties. So simple and good. A thought too, would be great to jar up and give the mix as gifts for the holidays since all the giftee has to do is add the beer and a Tb of melted butter on top (if desired)

Here's the recipe, which I got out of the fabulous "Joy of Cooking"

Preheat oven to 400 degrees
Grease a 6 cup loaf pan - 8 1/2 X4 1/2 inch pan

Whisk together the following in a large bowl:
1 CUP whole wheat flour
1 CUP all purpose flour
1/2 CUP old fashioned rolled oats
2 TB sugar
2 TEASPOONS baking powder
1/2 TEASPOON baking soda
1/2 TEASPOON salt

ADD:
1 1/2 CUPS of beer

Fold until the dry ingredients are moistened. Scrape into the pan and spread evenly.

I melted 1 TB butter (or spread) and poured on the top.(this was not in the actual recipe in the book)

Bake until toothpick inserted in center comes out clean, 35 -40 minutes.
Let cool in pan for 5-10 minutes, then cool completely on rack.

ENJOY!!!!

up with the times..

So I went out and purchased a webcam, mainly I have two brothers in the US ARMY, one stationed in VA and the other in Germany. I barely just got my Skype account all done and the kids are already having me send emails of them being silly to my various family members. This is going to be fun. Although my 4 year old daughter is convinced that she is the next webshow phenom. A born performer she is, and she swares that everyone wants to see her do, well, whatever. So, perhaps we might add some video here in the near future, ya know, of me, pulling my hair out after a toddler tantrum, or of the tantrum itself. Maybe me, begging for parenting advice, or, some very strong coffee.

Anyway, until tomorrow.

tantrum tuesday

I had the morning all planned out. Shoprite, post office, then off to drive by the dance studio to explain to Sarah why she was not going to dance class today. She has been misbehaving in class, so I thought that seeing the other girls arrive to class would shock her into understanding that I was not kidding around. She needs to check the behavior or her dancing career is over, at the tender age of 4. I know it sounds awfully mean, but this is her second year dancing, and this problem is a new one.

So, we picked up a few things at Shoprite, were I forgot something that I needed. Then, in the rain, JR threw a fit not wanting to get into the carseat and I sat, outside in the rain with him for 35 minutes. Moms walking by smiling, happy it was me and not them. Every time I tried to get him into the car he arched his back, screamed "NNNOOOOOOO" and being a strong little sucker, there was no use fighting him. So we sat, and sat, and sat some more. Finally I felt strong enough to hold in the seat while buckling each side with a somewhat free hand, trying to not to think about how he sounded like I was beating him and it seemed that millions of people were walking by, very slowly.

Now, I skipped the post office, for obvious reasons and drove onto the dance studio. Class had already been in session for a 1/2 hour, so I pointed out parents' cars, which Sarah knew, and made sure she understood her friends were dancing today, while she was not. Then I threw in a little bribe for her good behavior for next week. A new Barbie doll (which I already have for her.) If she didn't love dancing so much I would just let it be and not take her anymore, but she is obsessed! All day, all night, everything dance and ballet and tap! So, we'll see how it goes next week, if not, hubby & I end up with an extra $60/month to save for a rainy day.

holiday challenge

The holiday buzz has begun. This time of year makes me feel warm inside and happy to hug all my family and friends. It also makes me think much more of the families that do not have much. I clean up my kid's rooms and I think of children that don't have many toys to play with or warm clothes to wear. So I went through my closet. My foyer closet which contains coats. Many, many coats. I found 3 that I haven't worn in years. That I will probably never wear. So, they will be donated today. I always donate the kid's outgrown clothes. I always go through the things that I don't want anymore. But, to find something that perhaps can be useful to someone else in the cold weather, that makes me feel good. An outdated sequined belt? Not so helpful I'm thinking to someone trying to just make it through the day.

So the challenge to all is to find one coat, one item that will warm someone else up for the season and donate it now. I promise it will warm your heart too.

new definitions?

this is what spooning is in our house.....

tempers flaring, camera's clicking

A temper tantrum broke loose and I felt at that moment, no coping skills at all. How do I contend with a 2 year old on a rampage? So I did what I could - I took out the camera and his tears turned into almost a smile and a quiet "cheese!"

The greatest painted pumkins

The greatest painted pumpkins

by Sarah, age 4

These are our pumpkins.

Our pumpkins are painted in lots of different colors.

Mommy & Daddy will see them when we go home.

They are washable paints & we painted very carefully.

Our pumpkins are done.

We did it very neatly.

trick, or treat?

WE HOPE YOU HAD LOTS OF TREATS, AND NOT TOO MANY TRICKS!!

fresh pickins

This past Sunday we went pumkin picking. It was cold. It was windy. But, just putting a smile on can turn the whole thing around. We laughed and there were no meltdowns. With two toddlers, that in itself is amazing!! We got our pumpkins, then after bringing them back to the car we walked through the little petting zoo that was there. So much fun - I think JR had the most fun. He is finally really using more and more words every day and that particular day it was all about the "aminals". All day long he recited "aminals eeaat". Because he seemed to take so long to talk, everything he says just amazes me at this point. These are definately the days I will soon miss, the baby talk, the cuddling, the small little hands.

enjoy the sunshine

A few weeks ago Hubby and I took the kids to a nearby reservoir to enjoy some nature. I try to take them out every Sunday, pretty much because I don't go to church and my Cathiolic Schoolgirl guilt says to do something spiritual with them. Anyway, the weather is starting to get colder here in Jersey and I, not enjoying the cold too much don't know how else to dance with nature in the miserable winter. Hopefully something will come to my mind, or, I will have to find a church to attend, and hopefully, save my soul.

making it through

The struggle has already begun- Sarah would like to put on her ballet tights and leotard. This begins at 5:30am. Her class is not until 9:30am. She yells at me that I am not fair (she is 3, almost 4 years old). I explain that she can put in on at 8:30 when she has finished her snack. I don't want her to get it all dirty nor do I want her to rip her tights (at $12 a pop, I try to make them last as long as possible!) Anyway, she feels that I am being unreasonable and I never listen to her. The funny thing is, I am so on the floor playing with them all the time. I hug and listen and comfort all the time. I am not sure what she needs, because if it was reasonable, I would certainly accommodate.

I guess my "question" is this - does it have to be a struggle? I totally understand that giving a child everything they "want" is not good for them (or the rest of the world) in the long run. Why does it seem that other people's kids don't put up such a fight? And why for goodness sake does my little princess constantly bug the crap out of her brother????????

As I sit here, trying to relax and remember that kids are kids and I am here to guide them blah blah blah, I am surrounded by what seems like an increasing mountain of toys and I am just taking a breath and hoping that I can hike my way through this day, with a smile. (oh, and a Dunkin Donuts Coffee Coolata)

catching up

The kids have finally gotten down for naptime and I have committed myself to blogging each day the minute they have begun to dream.... Time management has been a problem for me and I was struggling with figuring out reasons. I am the type of person who needs a reason for everything. Why is Sarah misbehaving? What is the reason?? hello, how about she is almost 4 going on 13!! JR refuses to potty train. What is the reason?? duh, he is 2 1/2 and some children just aren't ready yet. So in figuring out how to use my time wiser I decided that I definately needed to set in stone the things that made Momma's day brighter. Workout time at the gym, blogging/computer time, scrapbooking. Then I also realized that the mundane household crap that I hated so much was so dreadful because I looked at it in that way, as something that I hated. So, some positive thinking and a perfectly good attitude adjustment was needed.

(by the way, it so much that JR refuses to potty train, it's that he screams on the toilet, then when the feet hit the floor he proceeds to bless the room with should have been in the toilet. And Sarah, well, I am beginning to see that backtalking, snotty remarks and little angry outbursts are being well modeled by this Momma who needs to stop and take a breath a little more often....)

too attached

In my reading lately I picked up a few books about Buddhism, which I find absolutely fascinating! This idea of "nonattachement" struck a chord with me, basically because I was having a really hard time understanding exactly what that meant. At first, I thought it to mean not being "attached" to name brands, or "things", tangible "things that one would possess. But now I find it to be more of an "idea". Sort of like the being-in-the-moment-thing.

Anyway, in working on my lack of patience and quick anger (or as hubby says that I am ALWAYS yelling) I decided to make this idea of nonattachment work in my life. So, this morning when the kids ran into our room and started severely messing up my space, I had to think to myself, or "unattach" if you will, to the idea that I needed it to be a certain way. So, I took a breath and just thought to myself "it's already messed up". I know it sounds really stupid, but by letting go of that fighting thought of how things "should be", I was able to just see my kids having fun, then able to smile and have them help pick some things up. Why is this so hard for some of us? Very early this morning, try 4:15am, JR woke up and just could be bothered to go back to sleep. Usually, if it is before 5am, I end up very grumpy and react very badly to even a request for juice. My thoughts? I need sleep, I am tired, why can't they just sleep like everyone else's kids, blah blah blah, I just fight it. So today I smiled at him and just went with. I "unattached" to my thoughts on how it should be. What a much better morning it turned it out to be for all of us.

It is hard when you try to stick with what you know and try not to lose yourself. It is hard when you want to sleep and your thoughts ramble on about how unfair this is. Yeah, it's hard. But no one did tell me it would easy.

questions

Being that I haven't found the time to even check emails lately, blogging had been put in the back of my mind. Just endless questions that if I find the time I will, I suppose "Google". Is there any other way of finding an answer to anything anymore?
So, I want to know -do I wake my toddlers up from long naps, or just leave them be? - why is there such a lack of GREAT customer service? do these companies not realize with the economy and everything going on that they do indeed need to fight for the consumer dollar? - why, oh why does everyone seem to love Gov. Sarah Palin so much??? - will our troops ever leave Iraq and leave it a safe place for it's people? - why are so many kids allergic to peanuts?
crap, the list goes on and on. so with that good health to everyone for the day.
see you tomorrow - I promise!

in the moment

I was vacuuming the kids' rooms this morning and I heard it - silence. So I ran out into the kitchen to see what was wrong. No screaming, no fighting, what could be going on? I looked down to see my little ones rolling around the floor with the contents of an entire box of tissues! They looked up as if to say "uh oh" then instead of my usual rant, I jumped down on the floor with them and threw some fluffy white Kleenex up in the air to enjoy for myself. We had some fun, and wouldn't you know it, when it was time to clean it up, they were all for helping!

I tell you, this Buddist stuff I have been reading is really doing me some good!!!!! It is much nicer to live in and enjoy the moment than to react to every little thing.

So this morning we got up and dressed. How exciting, an outing! Packed the kids in the car and went over to....Costco. Yeah, that was what I was excited about. Our Costco moved to bigger and better location and I was so happy to go check it out (besides I needed milk and eggs). So as I entered the parking lot I was, well, overwhelmed, the entire parking lot was full, you know, Christmas shopping at the mall full? It seems that the store opened early and had muffins and other breakfast items for the customers to eat, so every person in our county seemed to have converged on our Costco. I tried to navigate my way through the store with 2 screaming kids, a super large shopping cart and I could not find the eggs. Oh, and you know those ladies that give out the samples? They were everywhere! Problem with that is my kids are dairy and nut allergic, so, we can't really eat any of it! My wonderful trip to store ended with a man waiting for me to move out of my parking spot, while I packed up the groceries, strapped the kids into their seats, then had to return the shopping cart.

When we returned home I gave the kids some snacks and go them ready for the pool, bathing suits, suncreen, no wait, JR wouldn't put his bathing suit on, so he started to cry, and Sarah started to cry and I really wanted to cry, so everyone took a nap. Well, the kids took a nap, me, I'm checking email talking to you.

puzzling

I have found that I needed recently to learn how to think and act more positively. Why you ask?In such a crappy (at times) world do I need to be a smilig goon with only good things to say? Two reasons - Sarah and JR. Those little ones hear and see everything you do. Even the things you don't say, they get it. The other day while doing a puzzle Sarah got so frustated and screamed "I CAAANNNT DOIT!!" I said "Yes, you can, say I CAN DO ITTT!!" and she did. We laughed and talked about how much better it feels to smile and say something good. And you know what? She did it. Again, and again and again. We definately need some more puzzles around here.

corny girl

It's summer in Jersey and you guessed it - corn all around! Sarah requests it every chance she gets, although I think she enjoys the mess of shucking (is that right??) rather than eating it. But, as long as it's cheap and a natural food, how can I refuse her?

thank god their napping!!!

My darling little loveable cuties amaze me each and every day. Oh yeah, and at night sometimes, too. Last night (actually 2:30am this morning) they both awoke FULL FORCE ready for the day. There was no lay down, relax, go back to bed. So I let my frustrations go with a deep breath and took then in the living room to watch TV at 3:30am. Thank goodness for 24 hour cable channels such as Sprout and Noggin!!! By 4:15am I was making whole wheat blueberry muffins, and by 5am had overindulged in a pot of coffee.

I'm not sure what it was that caused this, my only thought is that I kept them inside yesterday since both were coughing pretty badly and with no running playtime I think their little bodies missed the exercise they needed. Or, they are just strange little people with odd sleeping habits. Either way, as usual we muddle through the day the very best we can, being grateful since I know there are much worse things than a little lack of sleep.

color me happy

As a stay at home mom, I find you (or maybe just I) get so trapped in the childcare, the house, the wonderful hubby, all the "housy" things there are to do that you forget sometimes what makes you, well, YOU. When the kids go in for a nap and I finally get a moment to myself, I usually end up eating. No, not lunch, but a box of Cheez-Its or a pound of pretzels. After much consideration I have come to the realization that 1)it relaxs me and 2)I need to find my "happy" again.

So, I sit down and try to figure out what makes me swoon.....a yummy toasted everything bagel with cream cheese? Well yeah, but not food wise. What makes me smile? I like to be creative. So, I try to scrapbook more. I like to play around with the digital pics of the kids, so I find some playtime just for me. I get the kids to paint, color, whatever. I find I love to pick up the brush and just go. So, for now, we shall buy more washable paint in lieu of Cheez-Its and perhaps, I will even take a painting class or something. Ya know, there is a wall in my living room that needs a painting, I just haven't found the perfect one yet........

fireworks?

JR has taken to having more tantrums. You know, the one's where your out at the bagel shop, and as you leave, bagels in hand to head home for breakfast, he wants one NOW!!!!!! So, he throws his little 33 lb body onto the floor, crying, snots flying, demanding NOW!!!!! Now, of course the easy thing would be to give in and just give him the bagel, but please, I am so afraid of the future of our world now, with spoiled kids and the general feeling of entitlement that surrounds us that I just cannot bring myself to give in. So, I drag him out of the store, smile politely at the woman staring in horror at me and my child as she held open the door (Thanks, by the way!!) We get to the car, oh, have you ever wrestled a child to get him safely secured into a carseat while he screams and cries and wriggles around? That would be my workout for today.

All the while, I work up an appetite of my own and then remember - I forget to get a bagel for myself.

Happy 4th!

dance little one, dance

This past Saturday was little Sarah's dance recital, and what a crazy day! It was hot and she was not too happy wearing that "itchy, itchy dwess", but after piling on some body lotion and baby powder she was a little more comfortable. I dropped her off at the stage door of the theatre, and as she walked through the doors with her teacher my tears started to flow. Sarah, however, did not seem to mind at all that she wasn't going to see Mommy for a while, she was excited for the "big show".

Now, out of 42 dances, her class was #35, so we had quite a while to go. At intermission, hubby had to leave with my dear Mother-In-Law as we had received a call that family members were involved in a motorcycle accident. They headed up to the hospital where one of the nieces was helicoptered to, but then another family member took her up so hubby could see his little girl dance. It was quite upsetting, I'm sitting there in the theatre, crying because of the accident, crying because I don't know how everyone really is, crying because music and theaters seem to make me cry, crying cause hubby is missing it... Then he shows back up, in time to see his little darling. I have to admit, she tried, but actually got distracted by some of the girls who didn't dance.

At finale time I'm all excited, looking for her to do her part dancing up the isles and she is no where to be found. Then I realize, that one of the older dancers is holding a sleeping wee little one - my sleeping wee little one! She woke up in a daze to clap her hands and shake her booty for a second then threw up her arms to be held again.

After fetching my beloved little ballerina, we went home, finding out that everyone involved in the accident was going to be ok and the day ended very well for the little dancer and her family.

time in a bottle?

My life is not difficult. I know I am blessed with many loved ones and good health. Yes, my 3 year old can be trying sometimes, but, certainly not out of the ordinary in that department. So why is it hard for me to find enough time? Time to read the blogs that I enjoy. Time to blog about my silly life. Time to call my grandmothers and visit with friends.

At day's end I look around and pick up toys, again. I smile and count the minutes until the kids go to bed and I can do for me. What do I do? I collapse on the couch. Sometimes a book in hand, usually a parenting or cookbook to be perfectly honest.

I guess I want to know, does anyone have enough time to do all they want or need to do in a day? Or, should I just be happy when the kids do go to bed on time, the kitchen is half-cleaned, and I am able to sit on a couch that is not covered in toys?

momma's day

HAPPY MOTHERS' DAY



To all the wonderful mothers in my life, those who inspire me daily, have the greatest day and remember that you make a difference!!!







Stop and smell the flowers today.......

worry me

Yes, I am still breathing. I'm not just talking the involuntary muscle contractions that our oh-so-smart bodies do each moment bringing life to ourselves. No, I'm talking the stop-&-breathe-before-you-say (or do)-something-foolish sort of breath. The one where I stop dead in my tracks and my beautiful 3 yr old says "ok Mom, 1,2,3...." A better habit to teach her I suppose than slamming doors or screaming those good ole cuss words I love so much.

So we are breathing and yet still stressing about how the heck to handle parenting a smart a*s like mine. 3 years old and going on 14. Talks back, says no. All the things I really didn't think I would need to deal with for a while. By then, I was sure, I would have a nice little drinking regimen that I could turn to when the going got tough. No. No gin & tonics for me, just ice water thank you. A nice cold beer would be wonderful, except I would feel too bloated to breath deeply when needed. So, I read the Supernanny and the rest of the experts, and just like weight loss, it's not that I don't know what to do, it's just those nasty little habits we settle into. Like being too tired to deal with it, or worrying more about how this reflects on me than about what lesson my child might be learning.

Yes indeed, I worry, a worry-a-holic I guess would be the correct diagnosis. If there is nothing to worry about, I can create it. Maybe, after a breath and a drink I will see that we all really suck at parenting and there really are no experts - in fact, I do not think that all the "experts" have children of their own, do they???

We go by our guts, make mistakes, and move the heck on with worrying about something else.

just the facts, maam

I forget alot of things. I forget to go to the bank for hubby. I forget to call and make doctor appointments. But the most important thing I forget to do at times is breathe. Yeah, I know, it should be an automatic. Not for me. Sometimes my reactive self takes over and I start stressing and yelling, and I have noticed that at those times my brain oxygen level is way too low.

I stress about my kids, their behavior (hello, Sarah is 3 1/2 and my expectations, it seems, are way too high). I stress about my weight (women are supposed to have hips, aren't we?). I stress about my hair (getting very grey, and I made an appt for a cut, and then my friend went and got her hair cut the same way I was going to, now what do I do?).

In my reading lately, about being present and in the moment, nonjudgemental, it says to stick with the facts. So here are the facts for me today:

• Yes, my bodyfat % is higher than I would like it right now, at 25%. So, eat right and work out. Stop eating 5lb bags of pretzels and leftover ice cream cake and potato salad.
• Yes, my child acts like a 3 year old - because she is a 3 three year old. Guide her, enjoy her, and let her be a child.
• I need a haircut. So what if my friend got the "cut" I wanted. It's the style.
• I will stop and breathe before reacting.

BREATHE TODAY

crazy

Feeling "not alone" is certainly the most important thing I need at this point in our family life. It is hard when you feel like your child is the only one acting up in the room. Our children get cranky and tired by 7:30pm, there are no late parties with friends. Sarah does need more "motivation" and encouragement and it can be exhausting!! Her eyes and attention wander like crazy and keeping her focused is sometimes a challenge.

Of course, it is all worth it and when someone wonderful tells me I am not alone it makes me feel alive - of course this is not all about me, it is about their growth and childhood, their own little personalities.

This week is a little crazy, my own Mom is having surgery, JR's 2nd Bday is on Wednesday, and then the family party is on Saturday. Lots of cleaning up and shopping to do. Of course Sarah wants to get him a gift on her own, so I need to steal away some time with her too. This is definately one of those weeks that I wish I had a cleaning lady.

As we arrived at Sarah's ballet class today, I pulled into the empty parking lot and realized something was wrong. The instructors are always there first. My friend and I pulled along side each other and saw the note on the door that they were closed for spring break. I called my other friend, to let her know not to pack the kids in the car, but she was already on her way, so we all decided to meet up at Dunkin Donuts across the street.

The kids ate their donuts and the mommys chatted it up. Why, though, is it my child that acts up? Why do I end up yelling and counting to 3 to get her to listen? I feel like I am always complaining about this part of my life, and I love my kids, I do. But why do my friends all have the "perfect" kids? Maybe I need to find some girlfriends with little animals of their own? Perhaps some kids that misbehave more than my own, to ease my own mind? That's sad.

After Dunkin Donuts we said our goodbyes and headed over to Wal Mart for a few things. Why do I do this? Why do I go out in public when I am not emotionally equipped to handle the consequences? It wasn't so bad and it actually got me to reframe my own thinking so that I could handle the situation a little better. And we all know a little "retail therapy" definately helps, even if it is on the clearance rack at Wal Mart.

But then, on the way home, the kids ready for a nap quieted down and I remembered something: that sweet baby smell. You know when they are so little and even when they are sweaty they just smell eatable. So I backtracked through some pics and looked at my little Sarah 3 years ago, when she smelled sweet and acted that way too. She is still that little girl I could hold forever, although now she won't let me. She is strong now, very independant. Smart, almost too smart, she knows the buttons to push and I think I am the one learning lessons here on how to handle temper and learning to be present.

Here's to you my sweet little girl. You may just be the gift I needed to work on those things about myself, like being overreactive or quick to anger. Together we'll make it through.

According to good ole Abe Lincoln "Most folks are about as happy as they make their mind up to be". Today I will remind myself (several times if need be) that happiness comes from within. Even when JR is bouncing the billiard table balls off the wall while I try to type and Sarah is grabbing my sweater asking 100 times when we are leaving. I will smile and be happy. Even when I feel like screaming and running out the door. I will be happy dammit.

So last night I was awakened by a bloodcurdling scream and a yelp for "Momma"! It was around 2 am (isn't it always) and I ran into my little boy's room to see what was up. He had kicked the blanket off, so he was a little cold and he had also dropped the binky out of the crib. I rocked him back to sleep, but he still seemed a little upset. We rocked for about 15 minutes when he picked up his little head, opened his sleepy eyes, smiled and said "Mater." For anyone who has seen the Disney movie "Cars", it is character from that movie. He then closed his eyes and put his head back down to sleep.

I put him back down in the crib but then he was back to crying again around 3am. I just picked him up and slept with him on the couch. I just really wonder at times, what are they dreaming about? I wish I knew what had upset him so much. As we lay on the couch in the early morning, I tried to wriggle out from under his sweaty body and I realized it wasn't sweat. Yeah, he peed all over me. So, another precious moment ends in some sort of bodily waste.

thanks

Gratitude is one of those things that I try to teach my children, but have to really work at myself. Fighting what is happening in the moment seems to be my way to go. Not my favorite way to go, but my reactional way. I am trying to stop and enjoy it all a little more. The truth is, I really don't care about the dust bunnies or piled up laundry until I worry about what someone else might think. I think I tend to yell a little more at the kids and try to "reel them in" when we are out, because I am afraid of what others will think of me, their mother.

It is strange to take "everyone" else out of the equation and just go with my gut. It feels lighter and more authentic. I love to see my kids run around crazy, no inhibitions. I love to see them dig in dirt (even if it's a beautifully planted flower pot) and take in all they see with new eyes. The truth is I want to dig in the dirt and run around. That freedom, not thinking about anything but the present moment. I keep taking it all so seriously, being home, keeping house. Really, I'm here to explore with them.

light

Wake up and smell the day.
Do not think of the sunset,
the end of this time's light.

Reach into your soul and
grab the core,
the reason for which you
are here.

Run with it and shine
that light upon all you see.
Waste no more time wondering
what if or too late.

the "not so super" market

I just put the kids in for a nap, and although it is a little earlier than normal, I am enjoying the quiet.


This morning we ventured out to do some food shopping before Sarah had ballet class and early enough that the store wouldn't be crowded. Well, her "listening ears" were apparantly left home, because all the yelling I did was not enough. She ran, she stomped, she knocked things off the shelves, she pulled things off deli cases that I don't think were supposed to come apart. I threatened her with not going to ballet, no change in her attitude. Then when we got home, she went to find her ballet shoes, "No, we are not going today, you did not earn the privilege". The tantrum that ensued was monstrous, and although it would have been much easier to just take her to class, I knew that it would not be a lesson learned. So Momma needed to quick change her attitude, explain again why we were not going and let little Sarah deal with the consequences.

There are times I am prepared for those meltdown moments (the kids, not mine). That's when I can pull a toy or crayon or something magical out of my bag and change the direction of whatever is happening. No screaming or yelling, no threats. This was not today. Then there are times, like this morning, when I am trying to order cold cuts, contain both kids, and make sure that the supermarket stays in one piece. You know how we sware we won't be like out parents and be more understanding, blah blah blah.. Sorry Mom, you're awesome, but I remember how I looked at you when you were yelling and what I thought was "mean". Now, I'm the lunatic.

Oh, and you can always tell who the people are in the store who's children are all grown up, you know, the ones that see your child acting up and they just smile, that smile of "Ha ha, it's YOUR turn now."

momma's job

It rings true that you can never fully appreciate someone until you have walked in their shoes, whether they be Wal-Mart or Nordrom's. Being home with two toddlers I endlessly wonder how the heck my own Mom did it with 6 of us (three of them being toddlers at the same time!) I complain about my lack of goals and motivation, my own self pity for not feeling like I am "accomplishing" something greater than myself. Then, I need to put down the chocolate bar with almonds and realize that I am doing something now, something that in the future my kids will appreciate only when they have their own kids. sucks, huh? I sort of dig the "make-me-feel-good-now-approach", but I guess 30 years from now will have to do.

My friends and I get on the phone and complain, we feel unappreciated and really need to have our hair colored for real, not at midnight when we are too tired to really read the directions folded up in the box from Walgreens. We all complain that our husbands don't understand, but I think they really do, that's why they always have to work, run to Home Depot, or go put gas in the car, or something, anything out of the house. If they would just admit that we (the loving wives and mothers of their evil offspring), have the hardest job in the universe, we might, might, just shave our legs and cook a dinner that does not include hot dogs or orange macaroni.

And no, I truly don't think that my children are the spawn of the devil, I guess I never understood that real love was for those that can get on your last nerve and dance a jig the whole time. I also didn't know that quietly sitting on the couch at the end of the day with that tired little jig dancer snuggled up to you, his hair smelling like the sand box and hers smelling like Play-Doh, is truly the best feeling in the world.

I really don't like to go so long without blogging. Lately, though, I don't even make it into the basement, which is where the computer is. Yes, we have a laptop also, but if I bring that out the kids think it's time to play, so it's one of those moments where you just have to choose if it's worth the fight.

The kids made it through their illnesses. Sarah, however, seems to have that "asthma cough", so I am taking her to our allergist tomorrow to see what he thinks. I am really obsessed with reading about natural health, and I truly believe that your body is so capable of healing so many things on it's own. But, then when it comes to my child and her life, I just don't know what is right sometimes. Everytime my kids get sick they get a nasty post-nasal drip. It seems like the pediatrician (everyone in the practice), looks in their throats and says "Ah, sinus infection, need antibiotics." Or, they peer into their little ears, which by the way they have expressed no pain or problem with and they say "Oh, red, they have an infection, need antibiotics." I am not a doctor, but I just feel like they have been on medicine an awful lot in their toddler lives. Do I look for a doctor that might see things a little more like me, or, do I trust that the pediatricians know what they are doing? It is frightening because I certainly wouldn't want to leave my children untreated if they truly needed the extra boost, but what about the damage that all those antibiotics do to them? I already give my kids a tsp of flax oil and a probiotic powder in their juice each morning. I know it helps their immune system each day.

I am reading some books now on children and holistic health, and some of it I can take with me, but some of it is not even gonna happen in this house. One doctor suggests that children should be eating liver. Liver. Not here. I have a child who is allergic to milk and one who is allergic to peanuts. Peanut allergy boy will eat mostly anything, but veggies are a problem with both. Milk allergy girl is picky, and sometimes when you make what she does like, she still won't eat. Carrot sticks, rarely. Celery, sometimes, but I have to cut off the strings. No potatoes, broccoli or peas. Corn, maybe, depends on their moods. Oh, and they both drink soy milk, which one of the books goes on talking about soy and how horrible it is for your child and that you should never, ever let them have it.

how do you know if your doing it right?

3 infected ears
2 sinus infections
2 asthmatic toddlers
puking
fevers
aches and pains

The past week has not been fun and frankly, I need some drunken, wild night momma time. That's not gonna happen anytime soon, so I will take an hour or two at the gym working my legs until I can no longer walk up a flight of stairs. Yeah, that does actually sound good to me.

I apologize to everyone I have had to cancel plans with due to our poor little sick ones, and I'm also sorry to D who had to hear my darling little Sarah puking while I talked to her on the phone.
Thanks ever so much to my Mom and Mom-In-Law who helped out so valiently and braved the sickly germs here in our household.

Now, no one is allowed to fall ill for at least 6 months. Momma's new rule.

sick baby on isle 1

The baby has been fighting a fever for two days and this morning I knew it was time to call the Dr. They took us in right away and confirmed my suspisions of an ear infection. He had alot of post nasal drip, so she drew up a script that would help in the event of a sinus infection. Now, I am not normally thrilled with pumping my little children full of antibiotics, but he is so miserable, I trust that the Dr. is doing the right thing. Also, the fact that I do give my children probiotics each morning does reassure me.

So, an hour later we ran out to pick up the meds from Walgreens and I thought "let me just run to Aldi to get bananas and animal crackers." Basically two things he loves and that I could get with the $4 I had on me. I drive to the store and think to myself that he looks tired, but this will only take 10 minutes. I put the baby in the cart and Sarah holds my hand to run inside. As we walked in the door, little JR starts to cough, and cough and cough, then puke up all the stuff that had dripped into his little tummy. yuck, I know. I open the diaper bag - one baby wipe left. I mumble some sort of bad word to myself and try to clean him up with the one wipe and the dirty Dunkin Donuts napkins that Sarah threw in my bag yesterday. Now I realize I must get out of the store, but to get out I have to walk all the way around to the EXIT door. I mumble again.

Back to the car, kids in the carseats, strip the baby down a little to get the bulk of vomit off his skin. Now the lady in the car next to me wants to talk. Do I really look like I want to converse at this moment? Not really.

Driving home Sarah, who left the store with no arguement, wants to know if we can go back in since JR stopped throwing up and she really wants animal crackers. I tell her no and we are on our way home, to stay. We got every red light in town and my precious 3 year old daughter had every question in the book. Someone honks a horn really loudly next to me, they were being cut off by someone else (I sware it was not Me!) I snapped and started doing the "Jersey driver cursing song"(basically me, yelling and pointing saying very naughty words). Then after I stopped my screaming rampage my sweet little angel girl says "Mommy, which one is your f*&king ear?"

The left one baby, the left one.