questions

Being that I haven't found the time to even check emails lately, blogging had been put in the back of my mind. Just endless questions that if I find the time I will, I suppose "Google". Is there any other way of finding an answer to anything anymore?
So, I want to know -do I wake my toddlers up from long naps, or just leave them be? - why is there such a lack of GREAT customer service? do these companies not realize with the economy and everything going on that they do indeed need to fight for the consumer dollar? - why, oh why does everyone seem to love Gov. Sarah Palin so much??? - will our troops ever leave Iraq and leave it a safe place for it's people? - why are so many kids allergic to peanuts?
crap, the list goes on and on. so with that good health to everyone for the day.
see you tomorrow - I promise!

in the moment

I was vacuuming the kids' rooms this morning and I heard it - silence. So I ran out into the kitchen to see what was wrong. No screaming, no fighting, what could be going on? I looked down to see my little ones rolling around the floor with the contents of an entire box of tissues! They looked up as if to say "uh oh" then instead of my usual rant, I jumped down on the floor with them and threw some fluffy white Kleenex up in the air to enjoy for myself. We had some fun, and wouldn't you know it, when it was time to clean it up, they were all for helping!

I tell you, this Buddist stuff I have been reading is really doing me some good!!!!! It is much nicer to live in and enjoy the moment than to react to every little thing.

So this morning we got up and dressed. How exciting, an outing! Packed the kids in the car and went over to....Costco. Yeah, that was what I was excited about. Our Costco moved to bigger and better location and I was so happy to go check it out (besides I needed milk and eggs). So as I entered the parking lot I was, well, overwhelmed, the entire parking lot was full, you know, Christmas shopping at the mall full? It seems that the store opened early and had muffins and other breakfast items for the customers to eat, so every person in our county seemed to have converged on our Costco. I tried to navigate my way through the store with 2 screaming kids, a super large shopping cart and I could not find the eggs. Oh, and you know those ladies that give out the samples? They were everywhere! Problem with that is my kids are dairy and nut allergic, so, we can't really eat any of it! My wonderful trip to store ended with a man waiting for me to move out of my parking spot, while I packed up the groceries, strapped the kids into their seats, then had to return the shopping cart.

When we returned home I gave the kids some snacks and go them ready for the pool, bathing suits, suncreen, no wait, JR wouldn't put his bathing suit on, so he started to cry, and Sarah started to cry and I really wanted to cry, so everyone took a nap. Well, the kids took a nap, me, I'm checking email talking to you.

puzzling

I have found that I needed recently to learn how to think and act more positively. Why you ask?In such a crappy (at times) world do I need to be a smilig goon with only good things to say? Two reasons - Sarah and JR. Those little ones hear and see everything you do. Even the things you don't say, they get it. The other day while doing a puzzle Sarah got so frustated and screamed "I CAAANNNT DOIT!!" I said "Yes, you can, say I CAN DO ITTT!!" and she did. We laughed and talked about how much better it feels to smile and say something good. And you know what? She did it. Again, and again and again. We definately need some more puzzles around here.

corny girl

It's summer in Jersey and you guessed it - corn all around! Sarah requests it every chance she gets, although I think she enjoys the mess of shucking (is that right??) rather than eating it. But, as long as it's cheap and a natural food, how can I refuse her?

thank god their napping!!!

My darling little loveable cuties amaze me each and every day. Oh yeah, and at night sometimes, too. Last night (actually 2:30am this morning) they both awoke FULL FORCE ready for the day. There was no lay down, relax, go back to bed. So I let my frustrations go with a deep breath and took then in the living room to watch TV at 3:30am. Thank goodness for 24 hour cable channels such as Sprout and Noggin!!! By 4:15am I was making whole wheat blueberry muffins, and by 5am had overindulged in a pot of coffee.

I'm not sure what it was that caused this, my only thought is that I kept them inside yesterday since both were coughing pretty badly and with no running playtime I think their little bodies missed the exercise they needed. Or, they are just strange little people with odd sleeping habits. Either way, as usual we muddle through the day the very best we can, being grateful since I know there are much worse things than a little lack of sleep.

color me happy

As a stay at home mom, I find you (or maybe just I) get so trapped in the childcare, the house, the wonderful hubby, all the "housy" things there are to do that you forget sometimes what makes you, well, YOU. When the kids go in for a nap and I finally get a moment to myself, I usually end up eating. No, not lunch, but a box of Cheez-Its or a pound of pretzels. After much consideration I have come to the realization that 1)it relaxs me and 2)I need to find my "happy" again.

So, I sit down and try to figure out what makes me swoon.....a yummy toasted everything bagel with cream cheese? Well yeah, but not food wise. What makes me smile? I like to be creative. So, I try to scrapbook more. I like to play around with the digital pics of the kids, so I find some playtime just for me. I get the kids to paint, color, whatever. I find I love to pick up the brush and just go. So, for now, we shall buy more washable paint in lieu of Cheez-Its and perhaps, I will even take a painting class or something. Ya know, there is a wall in my living room that needs a painting, I just haven't found the perfect one yet........

fireworks?

JR has taken to having more tantrums. You know, the one's where your out at the bagel shop, and as you leave, bagels in hand to head home for breakfast, he wants one NOW!!!!!! So, he throws his little 33 lb body onto the floor, crying, snots flying, demanding NOW!!!!! Now, of course the easy thing would be to give in and just give him the bagel, but please, I am so afraid of the future of our world now, with spoiled kids and the general feeling of entitlement that surrounds us that I just cannot bring myself to give in. So, I drag him out of the store, smile politely at the woman staring in horror at me and my child as she held open the door (Thanks, by the way!!) We get to the car, oh, have you ever wrestled a child to get him safely secured into a carseat while he screams and cries and wriggles around? That would be my workout for today.

All the while, I work up an appetite of my own and then remember - I forget to get a bagel for myself.

Happy 4th!

dance little one, dance

This past Saturday was little Sarah's dance recital, and what a crazy day! It was hot and she was not too happy wearing that "itchy, itchy dwess", but after piling on some body lotion and baby powder she was a little more comfortable. I dropped her off at the stage door of the theatre, and as she walked through the doors with her teacher my tears started to flow. Sarah, however, did not seem to mind at all that she wasn't going to see Mommy for a while, she was excited for the "big show".

Now, out of 42 dances, her class was #35, so we had quite a while to go. At intermission, hubby had to leave with my dear Mother-In-Law as we had received a call that family members were involved in a motorcycle accident. They headed up to the hospital where one of the nieces was helicoptered to, but then another family member took her up so hubby could see his little girl dance. It was quite upsetting, I'm sitting there in the theatre, crying because of the accident, crying because I don't know how everyone really is, crying because music and theaters seem to make me cry, crying cause hubby is missing it... Then he shows back up, in time to see his little darling. I have to admit, she tried, but actually got distracted by some of the girls who didn't dance.

At finale time I'm all excited, looking for her to do her part dancing up the isles and she is no where to be found. Then I realize, that one of the older dancers is holding a sleeping wee little one - my sleeping wee little one! She woke up in a daze to clap her hands and shake her booty for a second then threw up her arms to be held again.

After fetching my beloved little ballerina, we went home, finding out that everyone involved in the accident was going to be ok and the day ended very well for the little dancer and her family.

time in a bottle?

My life is not difficult. I know I am blessed with many loved ones and good health. Yes, my 3 year old can be trying sometimes, but, certainly not out of the ordinary in that department. So why is it hard for me to find enough time? Time to read the blogs that I enjoy. Time to blog about my silly life. Time to call my grandmothers and visit with friends.

At day's end I look around and pick up toys, again. I smile and count the minutes until the kids go to bed and I can do for me. What do I do? I collapse on the couch. Sometimes a book in hand, usually a parenting or cookbook to be perfectly honest.

I guess I want to know, does anyone have enough time to do all they want or need to do in a day? Or, should I just be happy when the kids do go to bed on time, the kitchen is half-cleaned, and I am able to sit on a couch that is not covered in toys?

momma's day

HAPPY MOTHERS' DAY



To all the wonderful mothers in my life, those who inspire me daily, have the greatest day and remember that you make a difference!!!







Stop and smell the flowers today.......

worry me

Yes, I am still breathing. I'm not just talking the involuntary muscle contractions that our oh-so-smart bodies do each moment bringing life to ourselves. No, I'm talking the stop-&-breathe-before-you-say (or do)-something-foolish sort of breath. The one where I stop dead in my tracks and my beautiful 3 yr old says "ok Mom, 1,2,3...." A better habit to teach her I suppose than slamming doors or screaming those good ole cuss words I love so much.

So we are breathing and yet still stressing about how the heck to handle parenting a smart a*s like mine. 3 years old and going on 14. Talks back, says no. All the things I really didn't think I would need to deal with for a while. By then, I was sure, I would have a nice little drinking regimen that I could turn to when the going got tough. No. No gin & tonics for me, just ice water thank you. A nice cold beer would be wonderful, except I would feel too bloated to breath deeply when needed. So, I read the Supernanny and the rest of the experts, and just like weight loss, it's not that I don't know what to do, it's just those nasty little habits we settle into. Like being too tired to deal with it, or worrying more about how this reflects on me than about what lesson my child might be learning.

Yes indeed, I worry, a worry-a-holic I guess would be the correct diagnosis. If there is nothing to worry about, I can create it. Maybe, after a breath and a drink I will see that we all really suck at parenting and there really are no experts - in fact, I do not think that all the "experts" have children of their own, do they???

We go by our guts, make mistakes, and move the heck on with worrying about something else.

just the facts, maam

I forget alot of things. I forget to go to the bank for hubby. I forget to call and make doctor appointments. But the most important thing I forget to do at times is breathe. Yeah, I know, it should be an automatic. Not for me. Sometimes my reactive self takes over and I start stressing and yelling, and I have noticed that at those times my brain oxygen level is way too low.

I stress about my kids, their behavior (hello, Sarah is 3 1/2 and my expectations, it seems, are way too high). I stress about my weight (women are supposed to have hips, aren't we?). I stress about my hair (getting very grey, and I made an appt for a cut, and then my friend went and got her hair cut the same way I was going to, now what do I do?).

In my reading lately, about being present and in the moment, nonjudgemental, it says to stick with the facts. So here are the facts for me today:

• Yes, my bodyfat % is higher than I would like it right now, at 25%. So, eat right and work out. Stop eating 5lb bags of pretzels and leftover ice cream cake and potato salad.
• Yes, my child acts like a 3 year old - because she is a 3 three year old. Guide her, enjoy her, and let her be a child.
• I need a haircut. So what if my friend got the "cut" I wanted. It's the style.
• I will stop and breathe before reacting.

BREATHE TODAY

crazy

Feeling "not alone" is certainly the most important thing I need at this point in our family life. It is hard when you feel like your child is the only one acting up in the room. Our children get cranky and tired by 7:30pm, there are no late parties with friends. Sarah does need more "motivation" and encouragement and it can be exhausting!! Her eyes and attention wander like crazy and keeping her focused is sometimes a challenge.

Of course, it is all worth it and when someone wonderful tells me I am not alone it makes me feel alive - of course this is not all about me, it is about their growth and childhood, their own little personalities.

This week is a little crazy, my own Mom is having surgery, JR's 2nd Bday is on Wednesday, and then the family party is on Saturday. Lots of cleaning up and shopping to do. Of course Sarah wants to get him a gift on her own, so I need to steal away some time with her too. This is definately one of those weeks that I wish I had a cleaning lady.

As we arrived at Sarah's ballet class today, I pulled into the empty parking lot and realized something was wrong. The instructors are always there first. My friend and I pulled along side each other and saw the note on the door that they were closed for spring break. I called my other friend, to let her know not to pack the kids in the car, but she was already on her way, so we all decided to meet up at Dunkin Donuts across the street.

The kids ate their donuts and the mommys chatted it up. Why, though, is it my child that acts up? Why do I end up yelling and counting to 3 to get her to listen? I feel like I am always complaining about this part of my life, and I love my kids, I do. But why do my friends all have the "perfect" kids? Maybe I need to find some girlfriends with little animals of their own? Perhaps some kids that misbehave more than my own, to ease my own mind? That's sad.

After Dunkin Donuts we said our goodbyes and headed over to Wal Mart for a few things. Why do I do this? Why do I go out in public when I am not emotionally equipped to handle the consequences? It wasn't so bad and it actually got me to reframe my own thinking so that I could handle the situation a little better. And we all know a little "retail therapy" definately helps, even if it is on the clearance rack at Wal Mart.

But then, on the way home, the kids ready for a nap quieted down and I remembered something: that sweet baby smell. You know when they are so little and even when they are sweaty they just smell eatable. So I backtracked through some pics and looked at my little Sarah 3 years ago, when she smelled sweet and acted that way too. She is still that little girl I could hold forever, although now she won't let me. She is strong now, very independant. Smart, almost too smart, she knows the buttons to push and I think I am the one learning lessons here on how to handle temper and learning to be present.

Here's to you my sweet little girl. You may just be the gift I needed to work on those things about myself, like being overreactive or quick to anger. Together we'll make it through.

According to good ole Abe Lincoln "Most folks are about as happy as they make their mind up to be". Today I will remind myself (several times if need be) that happiness comes from within. Even when JR is bouncing the billiard table balls off the wall while I try to type and Sarah is grabbing my sweater asking 100 times when we are leaving. I will smile and be happy. Even when I feel like screaming and running out the door. I will be happy dammit.

So last night I was awakened by a bloodcurdling scream and a yelp for "Momma"! It was around 2 am (isn't it always) and I ran into my little boy's room to see what was up. He had kicked the blanket off, so he was a little cold and he had also dropped the binky out of the crib. I rocked him back to sleep, but he still seemed a little upset. We rocked for about 15 minutes when he picked up his little head, opened his sleepy eyes, smiled and said "Mater." For anyone who has seen the Disney movie "Cars", it is character from that movie. He then closed his eyes and put his head back down to sleep.

I put him back down in the crib but then he was back to crying again around 3am. I just picked him up and slept with him on the couch. I just really wonder at times, what are they dreaming about? I wish I knew what had upset him so much. As we lay on the couch in the early morning, I tried to wriggle out from under his sweaty body and I realized it wasn't sweat. Yeah, he peed all over me. So, another precious moment ends in some sort of bodily waste.

thanks

Gratitude is one of those things that I try to teach my children, but have to really work at myself. Fighting what is happening in the moment seems to be my way to go. Not my favorite way to go, but my reactional way. I am trying to stop and enjoy it all a little more. The truth is, I really don't care about the dust bunnies or piled up laundry until I worry about what someone else might think. I think I tend to yell a little more at the kids and try to "reel them in" when we are out, because I am afraid of what others will think of me, their mother.

It is strange to take "everyone" else out of the equation and just go with my gut. It feels lighter and more authentic. I love to see my kids run around crazy, no inhibitions. I love to see them dig in dirt (even if it's a beautifully planted flower pot) and take in all they see with new eyes. The truth is I want to dig in the dirt and run around. That freedom, not thinking about anything but the present moment. I keep taking it all so seriously, being home, keeping house. Really, I'm here to explore with them.

light

Wake up and smell the day.
Do not think of the sunset,
the end of this time's light.

Reach into your soul and
grab the core,
the reason for which you
are here.

Run with it and shine
that light upon all you see.
Waste no more time wondering
what if or too late.

the "not so super" market

I just put the kids in for a nap, and although it is a little earlier than normal, I am enjoying the quiet.


This morning we ventured out to do some food shopping before Sarah had ballet class and early enough that the store wouldn't be crowded. Well, her "listening ears" were apparantly left home, because all the yelling I did was not enough. She ran, she stomped, she knocked things off the shelves, she pulled things off deli cases that I don't think were supposed to come apart. I threatened her with not going to ballet, no change in her attitude. Then when we got home, she went to find her ballet shoes, "No, we are not going today, you did not earn the privilege". The tantrum that ensued was monstrous, and although it would have been much easier to just take her to class, I knew that it would not be a lesson learned. So Momma needed to quick change her attitude, explain again why we were not going and let little Sarah deal with the consequences.

There are times I am prepared for those meltdown moments (the kids, not mine). That's when I can pull a toy or crayon or something magical out of my bag and change the direction of whatever is happening. No screaming or yelling, no threats. This was not today. Then there are times, like this morning, when I am trying to order cold cuts, contain both kids, and make sure that the supermarket stays in one piece. You know how we sware we won't be like out parents and be more understanding, blah blah blah.. Sorry Mom, you're awesome, but I remember how I looked at you when you were yelling and what I thought was "mean". Now, I'm the lunatic.

Oh, and you can always tell who the people are in the store who's children are all grown up, you know, the ones that see your child acting up and they just smile, that smile of "Ha ha, it's YOUR turn now."

momma's job

It rings true that you can never fully appreciate someone until you have walked in their shoes, whether they be Wal-Mart or Nordrom's. Being home with two toddlers I endlessly wonder how the heck my own Mom did it with 6 of us (three of them being toddlers at the same time!) I complain about my lack of goals and motivation, my own self pity for not feeling like I am "accomplishing" something greater than myself. Then, I need to put down the chocolate bar with almonds and realize that I am doing something now, something that in the future my kids will appreciate only when they have their own kids. sucks, huh? I sort of dig the "make-me-feel-good-now-approach", but I guess 30 years from now will have to do.

My friends and I get on the phone and complain, we feel unappreciated and really need to have our hair colored for real, not at midnight when we are too tired to really read the directions folded up in the box from Walgreens. We all complain that our husbands don't understand, but I think they really do, that's why they always have to work, run to Home Depot, or go put gas in the car, or something, anything out of the house. If they would just admit that we (the loving wives and mothers of their evil offspring), have the hardest job in the universe, we might, might, just shave our legs and cook a dinner that does not include hot dogs or orange macaroni.

And no, I truly don't think that my children are the spawn of the devil, I guess I never understood that real love was for those that can get on your last nerve and dance a jig the whole time. I also didn't know that quietly sitting on the couch at the end of the day with that tired little jig dancer snuggled up to you, his hair smelling like the sand box and hers smelling like Play-Doh, is truly the best feeling in the world.

I really don't like to go so long without blogging. Lately, though, I don't even make it into the basement, which is where the computer is. Yes, we have a laptop also, but if I bring that out the kids think it's time to play, so it's one of those moments where you just have to choose if it's worth the fight.

The kids made it through their illnesses. Sarah, however, seems to have that "asthma cough", so I am taking her to our allergist tomorrow to see what he thinks. I am really obsessed with reading about natural health, and I truly believe that your body is so capable of healing so many things on it's own. But, then when it comes to my child and her life, I just don't know what is right sometimes. Everytime my kids get sick they get a nasty post-nasal drip. It seems like the pediatrician (everyone in the practice), looks in their throats and says "Ah, sinus infection, need antibiotics." Or, they peer into their little ears, which by the way they have expressed no pain or problem with and they say "Oh, red, they have an infection, need antibiotics." I am not a doctor, but I just feel like they have been on medicine an awful lot in their toddler lives. Do I look for a doctor that might see things a little more like me, or, do I trust that the pediatricians know what they are doing? It is frightening because I certainly wouldn't want to leave my children untreated if they truly needed the extra boost, but what about the damage that all those antibiotics do to them? I already give my kids a tsp of flax oil and a probiotic powder in their juice each morning. I know it helps their immune system each day.

I am reading some books now on children and holistic health, and some of it I can take with me, but some of it is not even gonna happen in this house. One doctor suggests that children should be eating liver. Liver. Not here. I have a child who is allergic to milk and one who is allergic to peanuts. Peanut allergy boy will eat mostly anything, but veggies are a problem with both. Milk allergy girl is picky, and sometimes when you make what she does like, she still won't eat. Carrot sticks, rarely. Celery, sometimes, but I have to cut off the strings. No potatoes, broccoli or peas. Corn, maybe, depends on their moods. Oh, and they both drink soy milk, which one of the books goes on talking about soy and how horrible it is for your child and that you should never, ever let them have it.

how do you know if your doing it right?

3 infected ears
2 sinus infections
2 asthmatic toddlers
puking
fevers
aches and pains

The past week has not been fun and frankly, I need some drunken, wild night momma time. That's not gonna happen anytime soon, so I will take an hour or two at the gym working my legs until I can no longer walk up a flight of stairs. Yeah, that does actually sound good to me.

I apologize to everyone I have had to cancel plans with due to our poor little sick ones, and I'm also sorry to D who had to hear my darling little Sarah puking while I talked to her on the phone.
Thanks ever so much to my Mom and Mom-In-Law who helped out so valiently and braved the sickly germs here in our household.

Now, no one is allowed to fall ill for at least 6 months. Momma's new rule.

sick baby on isle 1

The baby has been fighting a fever for two days and this morning I knew it was time to call the Dr. They took us in right away and confirmed my suspisions of an ear infection. He had alot of post nasal drip, so she drew up a script that would help in the event of a sinus infection. Now, I am not normally thrilled with pumping my little children full of antibiotics, but he is so miserable, I trust that the Dr. is doing the right thing. Also, the fact that I do give my children probiotics each morning does reassure me.

So, an hour later we ran out to pick up the meds from Walgreens and I thought "let me just run to Aldi to get bananas and animal crackers." Basically two things he loves and that I could get with the $4 I had on me. I drive to the store and think to myself that he looks tired, but this will only take 10 minutes. I put the baby in the cart and Sarah holds my hand to run inside. As we walked in the door, little JR starts to cough, and cough and cough, then puke up all the stuff that had dripped into his little tummy. yuck, I know. I open the diaper bag - one baby wipe left. I mumble some sort of bad word to myself and try to clean him up with the one wipe and the dirty Dunkin Donuts napkins that Sarah threw in my bag yesterday. Now I realize I must get out of the store, but to get out I have to walk all the way around to the EXIT door. I mumble again.

Back to the car, kids in the carseats, strip the baby down a little to get the bulk of vomit off his skin. Now the lady in the car next to me wants to talk. Do I really look like I want to converse at this moment? Not really.

Driving home Sarah, who left the store with no arguement, wants to know if we can go back in since JR stopped throwing up and she really wants animal crackers. I tell her no and we are on our way home, to stay. We got every red light in town and my precious 3 year old daughter had every question in the book. Someone honks a horn really loudly next to me, they were being cut off by someone else (I sware it was not Me!) I snapped and started doing the "Jersey driver cursing song"(basically me, yelling and pointing saying very naughty words). Then after I stopped my screaming rampage my sweet little angel girl says "Mommy, which one is your f*&king ear?"

The left one baby, the left one.

Mother Nature is a B*&ch!!

Yes I feel a little bitter today. The day began with an awesome snowfall and some fun in the snow. Hubby and I brought the kids out early because in our area, near the shore, the weather tends to turn from snow to rain very quickly. We had loads of fun and the kids are both sleeply deeply for naptime as I type.

As for this little storm, I do have a bone to pick with you Ms. Mother Nature: Do you know how long it has been since I have had a drink and dinner and seem my friends sans childrens? Do you know that we planned this little outing over a month ago, only for you to screw it up for me tonight? No, I don't like to drive in ICE or any other element falling from the sky. I would like to have a drink or two. I NEED to get out! Do you not get it?

So listen up chicky! Next Friday - no snow, no ice, just pleasant weather and no suprises!

Thanks!

I would, however, like to thank you for the smile on my babies faces this morning. They don't mind the cold, or the wet, and they just did what kids do - had fun!

It's a bird! It's a plane! It's SUPERbaby!

It is always the simplest things that bring out the most laughter around here. Last night the kids used some small blankets as capes and we(all of us) had so much fun! Flying superheroes, or whatever the little guy thought he was, he just got a kick out it! He tried to tell us how much fun, but his words just weren't working. The look on his face and the laughter coming out of him told us all we needed to know. In fact, first thing this morning, as I lifted him out of the crib, he struggled to get out of my arms and ran over to the blanket he had been using the night before as his "cape". He ran back to me with a smile and a quick yell of something and I knew he just wanted that "superhero" feeling again.

I have to admit the best feeling about our fun last night is that it brought back such great memories of running around and saving the universe with my own brothers and sister! Feeling like a kid again is certainly the sweetest ending to a great day!

find your adventure

One warm wonderful day last week I took the kids over to the beach. We collected lots of shells (which by the way are still in my car), and danced in the sunshine. It felt so good to see them run free on the sand, no one else in sight. It was pretty windy that day, so I had to keep turning their little bodies to face downwind when the sand began to kick up, but it only added more excitement as the soft sand joined in our dance.

Where is my adventure today? I woke up not feeling well and I stole into the shower as soon as the little ones went in for a nap. That was my quiet time.
I want to see that wonder in their eyes, just like the day at the beach. I want to discover something new.

Maybe I'll get those sandy old shells out of the car and we can have our own beach adventure in the house. They could clean them off in the bathtub (water, always a big hit). They could paint them, or I could just dig out some stickers and crayons. The possibilities are endless.....

Where is your adventure today?

good enough

Balancing it all really is hard. I never really understood until I had kids, and even then, when they were newborn it was easy. If I spend the time I want to playing and teaching and doing the "Mom" thing, the laundry falls behind. If I spend the time cleaning up the kitchen, the toys in the living slowly take over. The dining room has become a holding cell for pretty much anything, my scrapbooking, crafts, and toys that get taken away from the kids. Forget the wife part. I get aggravated that at 8pm I am so tired. Last night I actually went to bed with my clothes on instead of throwing on some pj's.

I make time to go to the gym, then try hard not to eat an entire box of Ritz crackers when I finally get a second to myself. I make sure I put some make-up on in the morning, brush my hair and try to look presentable, if not just for myself. How do you not worry about the dust bunnies that inevitably show up no matter what? How do you not take it personally when hubby notices the mess on the dining room table, or the lagging laundry pile? Everyone I know seems to have the same things, I know that no one is perfect, but some people sure seem to have their shit together.

For now, my kids are pretty clean (most of the time) and we have fun. That's just got to be good enough.

between friends

Today as I was flipping through the newspaper I saw a familiar name where you don't want to see it - in the obituaries. She was a wonderfully nice woman. I used to do her hair when I worked in the hair salon years ago. She was also the mother-in-law to a friend I lost touch with long ago.

It wasn't anyone's fault I suppose. Nor did some outrageous thing happen that turned us away from one another. It was just life. It was slow and sometimes quietly obvious as missed phone calls just never got returned. Or, as I lived alone in my own single apartment, she moved on to marry and start in with the babies. Then there was the phone call to tell me she was pregnant for the second time. When I realized she was 6 months along at the time of the call, I knew something had changed between us. That closeness, that quick to call when something bad, great or indifferent had happened. Alot of things went unsaid. I felt angry about a few things. There had been an expressed dislike of the fact I had broken up with a longtime boyfriend of the time. I felt left behind when she favored other girlfriends who seemed to have more time for her.

There are moments you think about that crap over a glass of wine and think that life goes on and you're ok without those long lost friends. Then there are the times, like this morning, when you realize that other people who had a special seat in your heart at one time or another, are hurting. Perhaps my heart is still raw from losing my Pop this summer, or maybe I did yearn to just hug my friend. I thought about it all morning and then I called. Of course it took her a stunned few seconds for her to get a grip of who I was, then there was an awkard silence. I expressed my condolences. I told her I felt so badly it took a death for me to call. I told her I just really wanted her to know how much I wished I could hug her and her family and let them know I truly, truly cared. We both had a shakiness in our voices and although I know why she could have been on the verge of tears with her close loss, my tears were for something else. Lost love, I guess. The memories of how close we used to be, and how far we are now. I'm not sure, but I am glad I trusted my instincts and called, instead of mulling over it for a week. We both expressed our I Love Yous and promised to call. I guess we'll see how it turns out.

no pop for you

Yesterday actually turned out pretty good considering it began with toddler puke on the couch. She was sick all morning, then just a fever and sounding a bit congested in her head. I am hoping that the tummy thing was just because the fever started so fast, but we made sure to take the opportunity to tell her it was because she stole someone's lollipop the day before.
Yep. I was in the very crowded waiting room of the pediatrician on Monday, late afternoon, for something else. As the kids were playing, which grosses me out, all the germs on the toys and stuff, I heard this little voice say "oh, a lollipop", I turned and it was like slow motion. I jumped up and saw my precious little girl steal the pop out of another toddler hand and yeah, she stuck it her mouth. My first thought is "eeww!" Then I'm watching this kid like a hawk for signs of anything that looks like illness. Flesh eating bacteria, stomach flu... why is that child here? Should I ask his mom? We did chat a little when her younger child kept trying to steal my diaper bag. After reprimanding Sarah, she then asked if she could just have her own lollipop. "No dear." was all I could muster.

So of course, after she threw up yesterday, we made sure she understood about germs and other people's food, and so on. Yeah, so this morning I found her eating something, she said it was cereal, off the floor. Eeww.

get the puke bucket...

aah. 4:30am. Awake and very bushy tailed my little girl was ready to play. A little too ready.
Fast forward to 6am, some soy milk. Her regular fave. She hands back the cup, only half empty and asks for her dolly and Dora, and then to be covered up with a blanket on the couch.

holy shit I tell hubby. She's sick.
5 minutes later. Puke, puke all over the couch. The seat that hubby favors. He cleaned it up like a champ and promised to steam clean it tonight. He knows what I could possibly be in for today, as he leaves with a small dab of worry on his face. (but I am sure happy to be leaving the House of Throw Up Horrors.)


more details to come.

inspire me momma

inspire me momma
do not direct every scene
let me fall and find my way back up
see me jump sometimes into the unknown

inspire me momma
do not always yell first
look first
take it in and then decide
how to react, or not

inpsire me momma
be the best
so that I can look at you
and want that for myself

updates for the new yr

Packing up the tree. Cleaning up the house. Trying to be a good enough parent. These things can take up some time. Being good and faithfully going to the gym. The work out is great, but I really think that the time alone keeps me sane. I even had to buy some time at night to right in my own little private journal, so as not to scare anyone online with my deepest, darkest thoughts. Perhaps, that is why I have stayed away for too long. I think I was afraid to vomit out all of my feelings in one post.

So, Sarah loves,loves,loves the movie Mary Poppins right now, so, we watch it every day. Every day. JR loves the Bob the Builder, so we watch it every day too. He is starting to say more words lately, thankfully. Last week at his well visit (he's 20 months old now), the Dr. expressed concern that he was not speaking much more than "Ma" and "D"(for Daddy). It was not two days later when he started talking and babbling nonsense, and I sware he said "strawberry" when I made pancakes and cut up the fruit in front of him that morning. No worries with him on that I guess.

The kids are napping and I am going to take advantage of the few sacred minutes I have to read up on some of my fav blogs and have a HOT cup of coffee.

happiest new year to all!

wishing you inspiration and love for the new year ( and many, many smiles! )

not for the squeamish....

Christmas is over and we can finally rest. The week before the holiday a stomach bug decided to enter our home and cause all kinds of havoc. First the baby, then momma, then Sarah and hubby. The last two decidedly were the sickest of all and it has taken what feels like endless hours to fully air out and disinfect the house. This was our first time dealing with something like this and I am still amazed at 1) how much puke such a little person can produce and 2) how long it can take some kids to actually kick the bug.

Sarah began last Friday nite and was still not fully herself today. In fact, after several vomit-free days, we went for a ride in the car to get the kids some food, and lo-and-behold she threw up in the car, all over the car. When we got home she begged for the chicken nuggets and fries we had just bought, and I gave in, thinking she would probably puke it up anyway, but that it would feel better than those dry heaves she had been having for days. Well, what do you know, the kid was bouncing around, smiling (which she really hasn't been doing lately, even with Santa's delivery!) and laughing! So thank you McD's for the smiles and for filling my hungry little girls oh-so-empty belly!

New Homes for the Holidays

Merry Christmas!! From our homes to yours!!

sick sick sick!

Well, the kids are sick again. It's just crazy to me. They are never sick, and now it seems like, just as they are getting rid of a cold, they are starting a new one! Nothing too painful or serious, but enough to keep us home and not going to playdates or the gym (which my fat butt definately needs right now!) The momma-guilt is setting in about not bringing them to the chiropractor anymore (due to finances), perhaps not getting enough "outside" play time (momma don't like the cold) or just doing something wrong somewhere. Another part of my little delusional mind tells me that kids get sick, and they get better. Just deal with it woman.

As for "mommy-time", such as the gym and shopping for Christmas, I need to accept that I need to do it at night after the kids go to bed.

By the way, has anyone tried to order their Christmas cards online??? I am having such a problem with the websites (all of them!) being so slow. So, if I know and love you, don't take it personally if you don't get a shout out for the holidays from our home this year.

you are cordially invited...

I like manuals. I like to read through and know what to do before I do it. I thought parenting would be that easy, but haha on me. So with that, every once in a while you will be invited to a pity party in my honor.

A few weeks ago, JR was wheezing and we ended up in the ER. I was giving him breathing treatments at home and everything was fine. He was feeling better, breathing good, and due to I suppose my own laziness, we stopped the treatments. For my own peace of mind, the prescription does say "As needed for wheezing".

Last night we ate dinner at my parents, who have a dog. Now I always give my son Benadryl before we get there because he breaks out in terrible hives due to dogs. I forgot. Once again, I suck. By dinnertime my little man's poor little face was covered in itchy hives and his left practically swollen shut. He was miserable, I was crying. I am sitting there worrying about what hubby thinks, what my parents think of me, and wondering if I am fit to mother these children.

poor me.
sucky mom.
why is it so easy to make it about "me" at times like this?

This morning he awoke his normal cheerful self, but while he was eating breakfast he started coughing and wheezing. So, once again, I am thinking "I suck, this is all my fault". I gave him a breathing treatment and the wheezing has subsided.

It frustates me that JR was tested for allergies and nothing showed up, but most apparantly he is allergic to dogs and peanuts, at least to what we know so far. It frustrates me that I fall into this "poor me" attitude when my babies need me the most. It frustrates me that I cannot be more like my MIL, who, like Mary Poppins, is "practically perfect in every way". She would have never forget to give her children medicine or breathing treatment. She always know the right thing to do. I wish I could be more like my good friend DT, who let's it all roll off her back and is always telling me to relax. I wish I felt more like an adult, a parent, instead of still a child in a big body.

When do you start to feel like an adult anyway??

wake up call

4 am. My beautiful, soft little boy, rocking gently in my arms. Go to sleep. I close my eyes and pray that he drifts off. He looks up at me and strokes my cheek. Sweet. He grabs hold of the front of my hair, right at the roots, I wonder to myself how I will look with a bald spot. He pulls, I try not to scream. Please don't wake up little girl. I begin to cough, that tickle in your throat, uncontrolable cough that pains your chest and rattles your entire being. Shit. Please don't wake up little girl, I need my sleep. It's in that moment I realize the problem. The problem of always fighting it.

I hear the rumble of little feet sprinting to my bedroom and I know that when she doesn't find me in bed she knows where to look. I take a deep breath, knowing that the day is set to begin for us now, at 4 am. There is nothing I can do about it. Just go with it. I cough. She runs in and smiles "Momma, thew you aw!". I smile, "Good morning little girl!".

She sings her brother our special "good morning song" and our day begins with a smile.

ouch!

This morning I awoke to a screaming baby and the bagged groceries I left on the counter last night. I couldn't get JR back to sleep, so we turned on Sesame Street, which is on at 5am. (thank you Sprout!) I decided momma needed some coffee and found that in my hurry to put away the "cold stuff" last night, I forgot to put away the ice pops and cheese spread. The cheese is hubby's, and frankly, he would not care if there were cracker crumbs or peanut butter left around the rim of any container, he says it is fine, so I put that in the fridge. The ice pops of course, could not be salvaged.

How could I let this happen? you wonder. I know. Well, when I got home from food shopping with Sarah, I found hubby on the couch in pain. He had moved the treadmill up 2 flights of stairs by himself and either cracked a rib or pulled a muscle. So, me in a worried state as momma's do, rushed to get the groceries out of the car. As I grabbed the last few bags in my left hand, I pulled down the tailgate door of the minivan with my right and... WACK! I slammed the door down on my head. I know you are thinking "no she didn't". I am totally here to tell you "YES, I DID!" In a daze I ran into the house screaming "There's a hole in my head!!", while hubby is laughing at me and rolling aorund in pain. what dorks we are.

So here we are, at our quaint little home. Momma with the hole in her forehead (thankfully I can cover it up with some bangs) and hubby with a broken something-or-other in his gut. I am quite unsure at this moment if we are fit to raise 2 children, well, make that 3 if I get my way.

me first!!

I remember a while back there was an episode on Oprah that really got some conversation going for momma's. There were the momma's who put the kids first, then the house, then the hubby, never getting to themselves. Then there were the momma's who said "I come first, then hubby, then the kids." What an uproar the dowdy little never think of themselves momma's had over this way of thinking. At the time I didn't have any children, or, Sarah was an infant so this really didn't resonate with me.

Now I get it. By putting yourself first, you are not being selfish. You are insuring that you will be the best partner and mother you can be. You are setting a good example for your children, especially your daughters. By putting your relationship with your "significant other" in the forefront you are saying "This is important, this is what makes our family work". It doesn't mean you are having wild sex in the living room while the kids run amuck in a sugar induced daze. ( although...) kidding! Your children are better provided for when the relationship between the parents is free of stress and full of love.

I find myself doing more for me and I am better for it. The past two days I have made it a point to have "mommy time" at the gym while hubby stayed home to entertain the kids. I was able then, to be fully present for my family for the remainder of the day, and felt really good about myself as well. The rest of the week we do go to the gym and the kids enjoy the child care room there, however, they have been sick and frankly, when I am working out and I know they are in the next room, out of my sight, it sort of freaks me out that I am not with them.

now, if I could only figure out a way to get someone else to do the cooking...

can I get your attention please..

It has been a little hard to find the time to browse my favorite blogs lately. The kids don't feel well, don't sleep well, and attach to my legs like little leeches when they are awake. Not that I mind, of course. We all need to feel the love once in a while. It just makes it way difficult for momma to feel her own love, that's all. It also makes it difficult for momma to read a book, color her hair (which I finally got to last night, after having the box of color for 2 weeks), polish toenails, or snuggle with hubby. Any of the things that make me feel human, to say the least.

Sometimes venting makes us feel better, sometimes it just makes us look, well, a bit selfish. At this point, I'll admit selfishness if it means wanting to pee by myself or eat a warm meal with interruption.

Today, even though it is cold and windy, leaves blowing all sorts of directions, we NEED to get outside. I NEED to get outside.

send some love this way........

breaks my little heart

On monday I ended up taking JR to the dr because he was having trouble breathing. Two breathing treatments later and we are on our way to the hospital. (freaking out!!!) A few more breathing treatments, a chest x-ray and we were released with a script for antibiotics (ear infection), some sort of steroid for his lungs, and an order to do more breathing treatments at home (with the nebulizer the dr's office gave us earlier).

Skip to late yesterday afternoon when I notice JR is not walking but crawling and dragging his self around by his arms. I try to get him to step on his feet, but he keeps staying off the left one. (freaking again, I am thinking brain tumor, deadly medication side effect....). Once hubby was home we called the dr who said this was not a side effect to any of the meds he was on and he must of hurt himself, he suggests no er since I was coming to see him for a follow up today anyway. So I called the in-laws who were already on the way over because I called them in a state of panic earlier, to tell them to turn around and head back home. (what did people do before cell phones??)

After the drama and a good cry I remembered he did fall earlier in the day, right before his nap. It never struck me as anything really since the kids are always wrestling and falling and bumping into things. So today the dr sent us for another x-ray, after he checked that his lungs were clear and the ear infection beginning to heal.

We just got the phone call a few minutes ago to say that the x-ray was negative and there was no break or crack or anything (thank goodness!) So, per the dr, JR will probably be limping around for a few days until it starts to feel better.

oh, the drama !

I did notice something interesting about kids when we were waiting at the imaging center to get his x-rays done. Here is a little man, in pain, and yet not one complaint. He simply dragged himself, crawled, or scooted to where he wanted to be, and believe me, he was ALL over that waiting room. It's too bad that some adults cannot follow suit and just deal sometime.

snot today

rock and roll!!

uh, ma could ya move??

enjoying sister's birthday presents...

happy 3rd birthday baby girl!!

My little man is teething. Teething and drooling and snotting. Grossly.

Of course he woke up yesterday morning with the non-stop boogarfest draining from his face, as I was finishing up the final touches for his sister's 3rd birthday party. Lovely. I called our niece who has a newborn to let her know the situation, so she wouldn't think we were dirty and contagious. I called my Mom for some advice, then I counted the hours until I could legally and without guilt open a bottle of merlot.

The bash began with me, the momma-not-in-control, with 2 hours sleep from the night before, lashing out at anyone who dared step in my way, or offer to help (how dare they! Do they doubt that I cannot do it ALL??) Hubby and I took turns wiping down the snotty-drooling savage, who other than not having his afternoon nap, was pretty good.

Sarah enjoyed her party, which, due to a large family for both Hubby and I, we stick to strictly family. So, the only glitch for her was there were no other small children, being that her cousin K was home sick. She loved her cupcakes (which, by the way most Duncan Hines cake mixes and frostings are milk-free, thank you Duncan-Hines!!!)

Now, for today I will skip the gym and hopefully make it there tonight as JR's nose is pretty runny and he keeps coughing on the excess drool he's got goin' on in there. I suppose I am being silly, because I know that not everyone is on lock-down when there kid is teething, but I just feel like the girls that watch the kids there don't need to be on snot-patrol.

howling halloween

what do you meeaan no more candy???




pleeeeze, no more pictures!!

Our Halloween evening began when Hubby came home, pizza in hand, ready for dinner. As I turned around to get the kids to the table, I noticed what looked like mud on the floor and then on Sarah's mouth. Hubby comes home after going over to the high school where he volunteers coaching the football team, so I knew it was either mud or goose poop. Praying it was just mud, I turned to Sarah and asked her what she ate, when she realized it was not chocolate, she immediately started spitting and wiping off her tongue. I once again had to explain to my little girl not to ever eat anything off the ground, especially if it is brown.

After that, the evening went smooth, it's really easy with small kids because you really only have to trick-or-treat to a few neighbors houses and they are happy. As for this morning, both kids woke up wanting to wear their costumes again, probably hoping for some more treats.

how about a 27 hour day??

It truly amazes me how the time flies by and I don't really get anything done. I am trying to be more positive and ala The Secret, try to focus on what I do get done, but reality and the tones of negativity set in and I realize that I forgot the laundry in the washer for 2 days and it stinks and that yes, the bathroom floor does need to be vacuumed up at least twice a week no matter how hard I try to tell myself it doesn't. Ok, my kids ears are clean and they don't stink, so I suppose that is a plus. I already told Hubby that we are going to enjoy hot dogs and potato salad for dinner and he didn't seem to put off. He actually likes having hot dogs, me, not so much.

My goal for the rest of the day is to NOT even attempt to open the huge bags of Halloween candy that I bought at Costco this morning. We get literally 5 trick-or-treaters to our house, being on a small dead-end street (how depressing that sounds, a dead-end street!!) Anyway, I always way too much candy, then we (as in Hubby and I) eat it all, then bitch about it. So, whatever is left is going back to the store.

love thursday

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Marching for Boobs

This past Sunday, my Mom, Sarah and I walked in the local Making Strides Against Breast Cancer walk. It was a beautiful day and when we completed our walk we felt all good and helpful and stuff.

Here, Sarah stands at the edge of the crowd, itching to run right in, and then, a juicy apple afterward.

sell it to me baby

I have been concerned lately about how the commercials on tv seem to affecting my little Sarah. At almost 3 years old she is already saying "Oh Mommy, I need that" or "Let's buy that toy". She even repeats things that some some of the non-toy commercials say. For instance, there is one about debt consolidation, or something like that, and it starts with "Mya is not happy." Sarah walks around telling everyone how sad Mya is, while the person looks at me confused - Who the hell is Mya??

Yesterday, I grabbed the good old Dustbuster to clean up a baking soda spill on the floor, when my sweet little girl looked up at me and said "Mommy, you sure need the Swivel Sweeper !"

I think I seriously need to think about cutting down the tube time. But, I think she is right about the Swivel Sweeper.

happy morning, no sun yet

My darling little Sarah is a morning person. A true, wake up, ready for the day at 5 am kid. Sucks, right? Ok, I have been used to it, and frankly I am a morning person too, but I like to wake up by myself, not being kicked and pushed and screamed at "Mooommmmaaa, gettt UPP!!" So, I decided to play around with the kids bedtimes, since JR had also been getting up way before the sunrise. I moved his bedtime to 8pm (from 7-7:30) and he seems to enjoy sleeping until 6:30, maybe even 7am if I am lucky (and the little terror girl is semi-quiet). My Sarah though, well last night I put her in around 8:45pm (moved from 8pm). Can you even guess what time she woke up this dark and very early morning?

4:30am.

No joke.

Being that everything I read on parenting is about consistency, I will continue the madness of trying to keep her up a little longer at night in hopes of sleeping in myself an extra half hour or so. I really don't mind getting up early myself, but a little coffee and change of clothes to start my day before the madness would be supremely nice.

just nod if you can hear me...

It has been a few days since Sarah began with her cough-stuffy nose thing, and now the baby has it. A few days stuck in the house will do a number on you. I have not been able to get to the gym, since I don't want to get any of the kids in the childcare there sick, and Sarah did not go to ballet class today. I am itching to get out of the house alone. Hubby had been away this past weekend, so it has literally been all momma, all the time. I need a break, I am actually craving a good workout and a pizza ( in that order of course ).

Being that JR is teething and now has a cold, he wants to held - constantly. As in, I am holding him right now, while trying to type one handed, standing, with the laptop at the kitchen counter. Ah yes, and my little morning person Sarah, has been getting up at 4:45am the past few days. So, if I fall asleep now.......

I seem to be complaining, and I'm not (hubby!!) It's just that I really never thought that this would be so hard some of the time. Tantrums, tired (and that's just me). Sometimes, it's nice to know that someone else understands what it is like to be home with the little ones. Sometimes, it's just nice to bitch.

please do not feed the children

I always thought that when I raised my kids, the meals would be the easy part. I mean, I grew up on artificially colored mac & cheese and lots of pb & j sandwiches, we all grew up just fine. Well, Sarah has the milk/dairy allergy which, all in all is not so bad for the rest of us. I try to cook as dairy free as possible, but she knows that pizza night or other cheesy delights are not for her. She's actually a very picky eater and would never really touch the stuff anyways.

Well, now it seems that my little JR is allergic to peanuts. A few months back we had him tested at the allergist, since he had been breaking out in hives pretty often, and no allergies showed up. In other words, I put my baby through this barbaric skin test on his back and he showed no allergic reactions to any of the common offenders - grass, dogs, peanuts, etc. Yesterday he happened to have a little bit of peanut butter and immediately broke out in hives on his face, head and neck. Rubbing and scratching his little self, I felt so bad for him. The allergist did tell us when he was tested that even though he did not show an allergy during the testing, since he was only 14 months or so at the time, he could still develop an allergy. So now, we'll keep him off peanuts and peanut products.

I guess in the end, we can serve the mac and cheese and pb & j, momma will just have to start making some separate food for everybody (hubby, you eat whatever I make, no complaints.)

delusions

delusional momma:

I turned and handed Sarah her dolly. We were all ready to leave the gym and I saw another mommy coming in to the childcare room with her baby in a stroller, probably about 4 months old or so (the baby). I kneeled down, balancing the diaper bag on my right shoulder and picked up JR with the same arm. As I went to stand up I heard "PLLEEAZZE don't touch the baby" (in not so much of a nurturing voice if you were to ask me). I turned to see my 3 yr old playing peek a boo, very close to the baby. Now, I am all for keeping distance and stuff, but what does other mommy really think happens when she leaves the room? That all the other toddlers and babies and small children simply don't go near or touch the child? This must be her first. Does she know what kids put in their mouths or what they will eat if given the chance? Even, I'm sure, her precious little one.

Anyway, I was a bit embarrassed, simply because I'm quite sure this woman thought I was a ding-bat and not paying any attention to my own child. "I'm so sorry" I mumbled (twice I think) and explained to Sarah that you really never touch a baby unless asking the mommy first. "I's just playing Momma" "I know honey" I think I whispered another "sorry" on the way out the door and away we went.


other mommy:

Ok, I really hate when other dirty little kids get too close to baby. Germs are spread so easy this time of year. I've seen this little girl here before. Her little brother drives the employees crazy with his running around and touching everything. I know my baby will behave when she's that age. It's all in the parenting. I mean, she wasn't even paying attention when her little girl came marching over and poking my little one. What goes on in their house, I wonder?

take me, I'm yours

The social mingling aspect of stay-at-home-momdom seems to be more of who I might like than the kids. I mean, if I cannot relate to the other mom, how can it possibly work? What about the mom's I have "fallen for", then get no call back? total mom rejection. I feel like I should put an ad in the paper : Married SAHM of 2 toddlers, looking for someone to take long walks with the stroller, possibly drink a glass of two of wine some afternoons, not feel guilty when bitching about kids, and my own personal cheerleader.

any takers?

On that note, little JR starts a playgroup over at the library today. I thought maybe he should play with some other kids, rather than his sister just beating him up and taking his toys. I guess I'll just let someone else's kid do that. I am also secretly hoping that I look across the room and find another momma who needs a friend.

happy happy, joy joy

3 things that make me smile:

My babies (of course when everyone is behaving) and hubby (especially when he is being cute and not realizing it)

A good sweaty workout

Eric Clapton's song "Layla" (the original version, thank you)

thank you Jenny

I actually got to find some time lately to read a great book. Louder Than Words is written by Jenny McCarthy and is about her journey with her son through the fog of autism. As a mother of young children this has been something that always bothered me, the fact that this is getting worse for our children, the fact that it seems that no one seems to be doing anything about it.

In taking us on her journey, I was reminded of a few things myself. Faith in a higher power, trusting your gut, and finding purpose through what others might find only sorrow. A few days before I began reading the book, I realized how my negative thoughts were sometimes wrecking my day. So, in the mornings I have been making a conscious effort to sit and be thankful for all that is around me. There are some people I know who will think this is kooky, but let them suffer in their own misery. I have found more beauty in my babies and have seen my husband playing and spending more time with them. Is this because he is, or, am I just not focusing on "what he's not doing"? Whatever it is, I find myself being more joyful and smiling alot more through the day and 2-year old tantrums.

big girl

Back in the old days - March/05


A new bed for a big girl - September/07

A big girl bed! A new bed for the little girl. The toddler bed has been looking a little short for my tall toddler, so we brought down the queen mattress and boxspring from the attic. I really would have liked to buy her a new twin size trundle bed, but, this one was free and sitting in the attic doing nothing. So yesterday we went shopping to good ole Target and Sarah picked out some new sheets for her bed. She was so excited about getting a big girl bed, she even made me show her how to make her bed this morning (wonder how long that will last??)

yes, it has been a while...

When I realized that I haven't posted in a while, I also realized that I haven't been doing much in the "me" department lately. Yes I have been working out, but, due to down time and eating way too many snacks, I have gained 4 pounds. My "attitude" has been a little on the negative side and I seem to be finding only the things I do wrong. So then, when feeling badly, I end up on the couch with a box of whatever snack is available.

So now that my "break" is over, I need to see things again in the "right" light. Off for a good nights sleep to enjoy some more adventures ( and no more cookies! ) for tomorrow.

secrets of the universe

Yesterday as the kids were napping I indulged in renting myself a movie and eating an entire sleeve of yummy Ritz crackers. As "The Secret" was coming to an end ( ok, not really, there was about 25 minutes left) Sarah woke up and wanted some attention.

Didn't this child know I was into something important here?
Did she not realize that I was learning the secrets of happiness and bliss straight from the universe?
Could she not hold off her screaming until I was done with what I wanted to do?

of course not.

And so my negative energy gave in and an arguement ensued. Me, the adult. Her, the 2 1/2 yr old child. Even today I found myself perhaps nitpicking and having a somewhat negative tone with her. This is my baby, my daughter who I would give my own life for, for whom I painfully pushed from my body and couldn't let go of in the hospital lest I miss a second of her sweet breath. How could this have happened? I really don't get it sometimes. The funny thing is it always seems to happen when Momma's not getting her way. I think I might need a time out.

papa's new ride

this is what happens when ya leave the baby with hubby and the new truck...

and for those people who want to call Child Protective Services or something, the bottle is empty and yeah, we thought it was funny.



and here is little girl checking out the sunroof...

are you there god? it's me, momma

Dear God;

I do have a few questions I would like answered and faith isn't really gonna cut it right now. For instance, when I do lose my patience (daily) and get snippy with my almost 3 yr old daughter, am I screwing her up for life and teaching her the way of anger? And is cursing, like the F-Word and shit and stuff, is that really a sin? Because technically it is not taking the Lord's name in vain, so I wondering if I am losing points in that department as well. Is it a bad lie when that same toddler hears the rustle of a cookie package (with dairy so she cannot eat it due to food allergy) and I tell her it is nothing? (as I stuff my face....) Oh, and by the way, I haven't been over to visit in a while, and frankly, I couldn't handle myself or my little darlings in Shoprite today, so I'm feeling that your house is out of the question for the time being (even if it is not a sin, I just might start yelling out those F-Words). Who is Time-Out for really? Because somedays I would like to be sent to my room for about 3 hours.

I guess my big question is if I just let it all go and surrender my yearning for control, will it be ok?

really, you can answer at anytime (preferably quite soon)

Thanks
Talk to ya soon.

delusional momma

hold on

I see your energy. The possibilities in front of you are endless. I see your yearning to jump out, past the rocks, into the bright unknown. For now, my job is to let you learn your own beauty, your strength. Someday, my sweet girl, I will let you go past the railing, the rocks, the boundaries, and allow you to find your own place. I promise you nothing but laughter and love. You teach me patience and unconditional love. Your curiosity and wonderment are where I would like to be again.

baby steps

I find that most of my own tantrums stem from my impatience and that fact that I sometimes forget that little Sarah is only 2 1/2. I will stand at the sink doing dishes and say something like " Ok Sarah, let's start cleaning up your toys " or " come on, let's (fill in the blank) " All the while I continue to do whatever it was I was doing, expecting her to just jump up and do as I command. Being in the moment is really much harder than I ever expected it to be. Stopping myself and taking in each little minute. Realizing that if I cannot control myself sometimes, it certainly must be harder for someone at the tender age of 2.

Patience, doing unto others as I would have to me, self-love - these are all the things I myself struggle with daily, and now I find more motivation to work on it so that I can truly show these to my children. One day at a time? I think One Moment at A Time, for now at least.

funtime

It was a beautiful day at the park. I just had a great work-out at the gym, the kids thoroughly enjoying the kid's room there. I had packed a lunch and we went over to the park to play for a while. Around 11am Jr was getting cranky and we started in on the yogurt, pretzels and bananas. Crankiness turned to screaming and off we went for naptime at home.

The drive home was, well, interesting. All of a sudden my sweet little girl turned into a screaming, kicking animal who uttered noises I didn't know were heard any other place than the zoo. The screaming continued for an hour. Yes, an hour. 60 minutes of pure fun. I first tried to reason, then started to get louder with my own voice, turned into a full on scream, then yes, I smacked her leg and hurt my hand on the carseat. While home I finally just let her scream it off in her room. When the beast, I mean, Sarah, finally fell asleep I had to creep in and gently kiss her on the wet, teary cheek. My sweet little girl, who I both love and battle daily.

hail to the blanky!

It is wonderful when your sweet baby has a comfy little toy that soothes his every little tear. So great when that magical little something just does it for him. Not so wonderful, however, when that soft little cuddly goes missing. A crying child who has trouble taking a nap. A scream so terrible you would think that his own Momma went missing.

I don't know where it went, that precious little bear, but above you will see the replacement, close enough to the original that JR only threw it back at us once before cuddling up and cooing. He ran his chubby little fingers along the ruffle, a new addition, and didn't bat an eye. After scouring the supermarket parking lot and the stranded shopping carts and calling the courtesy counter several hundred time, we opted for a replacement. Thank you Kohls for having one left.

WTF????

Since we took Sarah off all dairy I thought we were ok. The past few mornings she has been vomitting each day. I don't understand. Could she possibly have a sensitivity to soy as well? That is the only thing that has increased in her diet. I have not given her the Zyrtec or Nasonex nose spray for a few days because I have to follow up at a lab with a blood test. The doctor wants to check her allergy level to the milk in her blood and she cannot have any antihistamines in her system for a few days. It is definately mucus (sorry, TMI). I just want my daughter to have a healthy start. I want to figure out why this is happening now. I guess I will go to the bookstore today and look for some more "dairy free" cookbooks, as well as online info. Maybe there is something I am doing wrong.

summer saturday

This morning we got up and at 'em early: a nice walk for Momma at 6:45am (hubby did a good job with his selection on the MP3 player, I ran most of the way!!) Then at 8am we went over to the other side of town to visit some friends who were having a yard sale. My friend L is wonderful and tried so passionately to dump, I mean lovingly give, unused toys and such to my wonderful little babies. We ended up leaving with a book, 2 small toys for the baby, a pair of Spiderman sandals (for the baby as well) and a very loud Sesame Street saxaphone that apparantly does not have an off switch - thanks a bunch L!!!

I was inspired however to perhaps throw my own little yard sale soon. We have so many baby clothes and things packed in all kinds of corners in the house, old kitchen gadgets, blankets, movies. Every few months when the kids outgrow things I am simply squooshing large and tightly packed garbage bags on top of one another. I had thought about Ebay, but to get a postage scale and sort everything out would be such a pain in the neck. I do have two small children I am supposed to be spending time with. So I guess I will see if hubby will be around next week to help me with an all out, sell-my-junkfest.

milk does not do all bodies good

Recently Sarah was diagnosed with a Milk/Dairy Allergy. It was something I had suspected all along, but it has been confirmed and now we need to go completely dairy free for her diet. She had been drinking soy milk and eating soy yogurt. Now, we need to eliminate everything that has anything dairy in it. For anyone who knows, this is a alot of things. Her health, of course, is the most important thing to us and anything we can do to make it better for her is our priority. As I learn more about this and try to change some of the foods we even bring in the house it is quite enlightening to see all the things I had been giving her that did include these things. So for her, this means I need to make sure to bring allowed treats with me at all times, no ice cream (except for soy) and no cakes or cookies or snacks unless I know for sure that it is ok.

I have to admit, I had done alot of reading on food allergies and hyperactivity and there were studies done that showed that a majority of the children tested had dramatic changes in hyperactive and attention deficit behaviors when the allergic food was removed from their diet. But alas, it seems that my child is just a 2 1/2 year old that did not comply with that theory. So I will also learn to embrace her independance and encourage her curiosity, even when I am aggravated and try to get her to listen to simple requests such as "come here" or "stop". Life sure is interesting with a toddler (well, actually two of them...)