chew it good!

There I was, sitting on the couch with my warm, freshly bathed little girl, reading, for the 27th time this week good 'ole Green Eggs & Ham. I was just about out of breath from reading it, trying to sound like a cool mom making funny voices and everything, when my little one turned her head to watch her father sit on the other couch. I stopped reading and she didn't even notice. She did, however notice the apple that hubby slyly held in his further hand, thinking he had escaped "the grub". As if I was a steaming plate of liver and onions, she jumped away from me to climb right over to daddy, her face right square up to his "I wamt some." I watched from across the room, daddy and daughter, sharing an apple, smiling at each other. As he sliced his own little piece and placed it in his mouth, darling little Sarah said to her daddy "chew it good!" and then proceeded to make sure he knew this every time he took a bite. Yes, every time.

let it go

It is so hard sometimes to really let go of things that we have no control of. This is most definately something I need to work on in order to be 1) a good parent and 2) be happier in my skin. I tend to take things very personally when it comes to the people I love, and I only hope for them to be happy. But alas, I know that their own happiness is only for their own doing. When we someone struggling in a tough relationship, isn't it completely normal to want to see them in a better situation? When we see a loved one who really has never even tried on the rose colored glasses, who sees the world as miserable and dark and has no drive for themselves, don't you just want to grab them and shake them into seeing that it isn't such a bad place? Most unfortunately I have these people in my life, and I take it too much to my own heart. I cannot make anyone else see the beauty that I see, or the greatness they could be if they would just push themselves forward. I cannot keep feeling other people's unhappiness and constantly worrying for them and the sadness I see in their eyes.

My children need me. I think hubby does too (sometimes....)
Although, I am having trouble letting go, I know that in order me to grow, I can no longer hold onto someone else's pain. So, today, I let it all go. This is not to say that I don't care, of course I do. I just need to step back and realize that I cannot help someone who doesn't want to be helped.

clean it up!

Easter is coming, spring is in the air (trust me and my allergies, it is in the air!!) Little green tufts of the beginnings of my tulips are spilling out onto the ground outside and I feel like cleaning. Cleaning, as in taking down curtains and vacuuming deep under the beds. I just finished going through the kids clothes and ridding their closets of all the ill-fitting-but-Momma's-too-lazy-to-find-something-that-fits-properly stuff. Yes, I sometimes let my little Sarah believe that those pants are capris when they are clearly not, or that shirt is too a 3/4 sleeve!! She probably has socks in her drawer that were meant for a newborn, but I say "if it stretches, we wear it". (That pretty much goes for Momma's clothes these days also......)

My closet is always a mess, due to my trying on and changing several times before I end up wearing one of the same 3 outfits I keep rotating around.

Well, it is time to go for now, Sarah is baking me a pretend cake with some pretend pasta and I am really hoping I can have some pretend wine!!

temper temper

In dealing with old habits, I am also forced to make some new, better ones. I can sit and watch my babies play, so quietly, then, Sarah will do a "two year old thing" and I will fly off the handle. Did my own Mom lose her patience so easily with me? Why is it too easy to "forget" that she is exploring the world and sometimes not in control of herself? Why do I have expectations of her at all? That is not to say that a child should not be expected to do simple tasks, but I really am tough on her at times. Every day I try to remind myself that she is "new" to this world and I don't want to tarnish her view of it - so open and honest. I never dreamed that when I became a parent this would be my first obstacle. For me, the newborn and infant stage was the easiest. Breastfeeding, no problems. Naptimes, never easier. (Except for bedtime which was even easier for both babies!) My challenge is my own temper and impatience.

I wonder lately if I am too selfish for this mommyhood. I yearn for my own time, which doesn't even come on some days. I have hopes and dreams for myself, as well as my children. I want my marriage to remain good. I want someone to look out for me once in a while. I need to put my mascara on in the morning, lest I forget who I am. I hate the days when I look like the typical SAHM. This battle too, is something I really didn't count on when I was ovulating, and yet, I still think I might want one more child......

you can dress her up...

Ah, to be 2 wonderful years old and dress the way YOU want to dress. To not worry about what other people think and to be so in the moment that you lose track of time and all that matters is your sippy cup and a hug from Mom.

asking for your 2 cents.....

I try very hard to comment on the blogs that I enjoy reading. Sometimes it seems that someone has already jotted down what I want to say, so I don't bother. Sometimes I just don't have anything to say. But I do find that I crave for some attention lately, and frankly, a comment, good or bad would be most welcome on my little bloggies here.

I know, I know. I am a mommy now and where do I come off asking for anything?? A hot cup of coffee, to sleep in late one morning, to go to the potty alone....... I don't ask for much.

5 am, that is what time my sweet little ones woke up this morning and by this time (9am) I am ready for a nap myself. Hubby does not get it when I speak sometimes, I seriously wonder what goes on his head when I am talking. Like when I started weaning my little man and cried everytime I cut down one feeding, hubby thinks I am weird. Or, that even though I am so motivated to lose some more weight and work out, that getting up and at 'em at 4am just isn't gonna work for me, and sweatin' it out at 9pm won't either. I have a toddler who really hates the stroller anymore, and sweet 11 month old baby who loves to be held when he has the teething woes.

My life is grand, and I enjoy it when I actually stop myself from bitching and see how good things really are. But now I see how mommyhood can make you feel as if "you" are disappearing. Everything starts to revolve around the little ones, hubby's work (and the resulting stress), the housework, and trying to fit everything together and make it work. So, in order to maintain some sense of feeling that I am heard, click in a comment every now and then. I promise to do so myself.

sleep little angel, please!!

My wonderful little girl, who always slept through the night, who always went to bed without so much as a sigh, has now begun to fight bedtime, and then wake up earlier than ever! Last night, she even stomped across the house into our bedroom(at 11pm mind you) and climbed into bed with hubby and I, she just rolled over and went to sleep. As if we had just forgotten her or something. I have tried to forgo naptime thinking maybe she was just getting enough sleep at night, but by midafternoon, she is pretty much getting in her own way and needs a nap. Or perhaps it just I who needs the time off, or a nap myself. I sit and wonder, am I selfish because I crave and hour alone each day?? I cannot even wake up before the kids, because she is up by 5 am lately. Now that she battles me about bedtime each night, she is not in until 8;30pm -9pm, which is a whirlwind of difference from the 7pm I am used to. So, after cleaning up and taking my own shower, I am ready for bed myself. Ready to do it again tomorrow.

Does it get easier? Am I built for this??

Moment by moment

Today I just want to try to be more "in the moment". On the days where I don't need to be anywhere or have time constraints, I am so much more patient with my little girl. I wish everyday could be that way, but frankly, Momma needs to leave the house sometimes! Last weeks warm weather was great. We went to the boardwalk, we took our time, I pushed JR while Sarah pushed her little doll. It was so nice to watch her enjoy everything around her without rushing her and pushing her to hurry the whole time. I guess I just need to find more of that warm weather mojo each day.......

self doubt

That old friend Self-Doubt came knocking on the door yesterday. Of course, I answered. I should know to just give him a swift kick out of the neighborhood, but, being the kind hostess, I let him for an unwelcome visit. You see, I have been studying to get certified as a personal trainer. I have ideas, dreams of where I would like to go with this. Moms, families, kids, keeping healthy, fit, active. I figured I need to start following my passions, rather than just what I already "know". Well, I read a reply to a post on a mom website that I have been frequenting, and I just crashed down on myself. A wonderfully talented woman, trainer, who owns her own business(much like I would like to someday), replied to a post of mine. I read her website and was instantly moved back to the feeling of a 15 year old left out of the "in" crowd. Masters Degree, various certifications, background as a trainer to college teams. I find myself wondering "Can I do this??" Is passion enough? I have yet to go to college. I was a beautician. I worked in for an Insurance Agency. I had jobs that I just did. Not passionately. Not for pleasure, but to get the bills paid. Now, being home with my children, I can take the time to find what gets me going.

So with that, I have pushed my old friend S.D. out the door, with a note to not come back. I need to follow my heart and my heart says to stick with what I am doing. My heart also says, perhaps, that this person has come into my life maybe as a reinforcement. As someone who may have the same interests and can help along the way, not hinder as I originally let my esteem see it.

My own lil' Snapshot Sunday

my sweet Sarah

so innocent and strong
so bold and brave

you inspire me to better
you show what it is to live with no fear

happy birthday hubby

happy birthday to my delusional and oh-so-understanding-hubby!

35 yrs old, the old man, wise beyond words. He knows just when to slip in the "I luv u's" but also knows not to say it too much. An awesome father and a hubby who is learning new things alongside me everyday.

happy birthday to my best friend, sidekick, and my love......

Proper Parenting

Why is it so easy to lash out at the ones we love the most? Why, when there is a screaming toddler, a crying baby, and vomit on the floor, do momma's and poppa's then get angry with each other? How do we learn that it's not important who is right, or, even what our immediate thought is in that moment? Why is it harder to think and act with love and mentally trying on someone else's shoes?

This was not in all the baby books I read when I was pregnant.
I thought there was supposed to be laughter and fun all the time.
Giggling and gurgling.
Smiling momma's and poppa's at every turn, so happy with their little "bundle of joy".

So, yeah, I am thinking about having another one........

Love Them

How often do we think of our loved ones and how we should visit, or call? How many times do we get stuck in our day-to-day routine without telling the people we care about just how much we do care? I am trying to not make certain details of life always about "me". If a family member is sick and in the hospital, I need to remind myself that is him who is not feeling well and needs the support- not me who feels sorry for myself for not being the best supporter. It's not about me not visiting enough. They know I care. I know I am loved. It is so difficult at times to put ourselves in those shoes that other people wear to really get perspective about what really is, rather than what I am putting my own personal delusional twist on. Poor lil' ole me, right?

Today, call someone who you love, but haven't spoken to in a while. Or, just tell someone who is right there how much you care. In the midst of laundry, dishes and dirty diapers, those words sometimes seem to get lost along the way......

Can I pass the test?

My beautiful little daughter truly is my test. My patience runs dry, my voice - loudly yelling "NO" at a moment's notice. I enjoy her quick humor and the gleam in her eye when she "gets it". I love seeing her excitement at a new episode of Jack's Big Music Show, and the pride in her steps as she walks her little baby doll alongside me on the boardwalk. I try to be in the moment, but most of the time, the moment catches me as not the sweet little momma I was hoping to be. I suppose some would say it is a "control" issue. I don't really feel like analyzing it right now... I'll pay someone else to do it for her in 16 years or so.

My sweet little boy is at the age where he can't yet walk on his own, but he pushes chairs around if he wants to stay on his two little feet. I remember when Sarah was this age, when she "needed me". Now, he needs me and she only needs me to back off sometimes and let her explore the world without my scrunchy grump face getting in her way.

Some bad days

POSITIVE ENERGY***THE POWER OF POSITIVITY***THINK POSITIVE***BE HAPPY***DON'T LET THE MAN GET YOU DOWN screw the man right now.....

Yeah, it is so easy to tell someone else, but something's gotta give sometime. I am trying to find a way to make some money while being home with my two little devils, uh-hum, angels. I have been trying to contact the schmuck that sold us our new dinette set, which we had to return one chair already because it was chipped upon arrival. Now, one of the other chairs has broken. $800 for crap, basically. We probably would have been better off buying something from the deliciousness that is Wal-Mart or KMart, then at least when it did break, we could laugh at ourselves about it. $800!!!!! Do you know what I could do with an extra $800 right now!!??

Sarah is in a hitting phase and basically surprised poor little man earlier today by pulling his hair while he was peacefully nursing. Hello!? Is this child from my uterus?? I am starting to think not. Is it because I tend to yell? She must be able to tell when I say something in anger. Will I mess her up and make her hate people and think she is not good enough?? Will she be the child that every other Mom dreads for a playdate? " oh, that Sarah, her Mom can't control her....."
Or perhaps, just maybe, she is a toddler, feeling her way around life. Trying us to see the reactions. Maybe she does sense my anger is simply mirroring it back to me. Maybe I am the one who needs a time out - can I get a glass of wine with that??

Morning Monster Madness

This silly computer again! I woke up nice and early this morning due to the baby needing to be nursed. After finishing with his business, I got dressed and proceeded to come downstairs to work out. The CD-ROM on my computer is not detecting any disks it seems (which I have never had a problem with before) and I spent what felt like ages fiddling with it when I truly have no clue what I am doing. After a few minutes of that nonsense, I picked my behind up off the nice comfy chair to work out for a little while. I am really not that great with computers and I am not wanting to spend any free time (uh, what is that anyways??) futzing with this monster. Perhaps I should just ignore the problem, ya know, the way hubby ignores his dirty socks balled up on the floor? Just walk right by and pretend the problem does not even exist. Problem with that - it's my computer- not hubby's, so the only person troubled is me. So I figure I will Google some info later tonight while drinking my evening tea and try to figure it out.

Snowless

Once again I was all excited for some snow and once again I woke up to an inch of slush. Living near the coast, this tends to happen. I don't know, I see the excitement in my little girl's eyes when she goes to bed and it is snowing, I just cannot wait to see her happy little face in the morning. Now I certainly know that the impending disappointment will last only a minute when she wakes, but still, I remember being young and how exciting it was.

I remember sitting in my classroom when the first flake started to fall and feeling that edgy feeling in my gut, "when are they gonna let us out?? school has got to close for this!!" I remember the hour long production it was for my own Momma to dress us all (4 of us a that time) to go out into the blustery fun. Then there was the madness of tearing everything off, fingers numb, belly's aching for a warm cup of cocoa afterwards.

Perhaps, I am just aching myself for that excitement. For some fun and throwing snowballs. For some warm cocoa with marshmallows floating on top. My red frozen fingers wrapped around a steaming mug, everyone sitting around the kitchen table smiling and excitedly interrupting the others with their stories of wet, snowy adventures.

aahh, sounds good.. I better call my sister today for a visit and some cocoa....

now-a-days

I did not catch the red carpet tonight,
nor did I Google the new scandalous pics of the NJ American Idol contestant.
I did think how sad it is that poor Anna Nicole's body is being fought over, and the judge seems to be caring more about his 15 minutes of fame.
I did think how sad I am for Brit and all the young and famous that have to go thru the low parts of their lives with the world watching them through the ever-present camera lens.
I am afraid for young girls that care more that their thong does show thru the tops of their pants, and for the fact that this younger generation seems to regard sexual activies as nonchalantly as picking out a new movie at Blockbuster.
I grew up in the 80's where baggy sweatshirts and leggings were hot.
Big hair and slouchy socks.

I am hoping for my daughter's sake that things start to change. How do we teach our daughters self respect when "everybody is doing it??" and I mean they seem to be doing everything.


Just had to get it all out.

Goings on

We got a new dinette set last night, which I love!

Sarah almost surprised me when grabbing veggies off the counter, I really thought she was gonna eat it!



Little man is sick with a cold-cough, but I think he'll be ok in a few days.

I seem to lacking lately on time management, passion for cooking and extra cash. So, as I try to develop a "get rich scheme" for hubby and I, I am wondering aloud "what am I good at"? Hubby would laugh and mutter something like "argueing" or "being a pain in the a--", but I have to say, I do think that although I cannot motivate myself somedays, I am pretty good at motivating others. So, where does that put me? - watch out Tony Robbins!!!

Clean it up

It is so amazing how cleaning up and rearranging some furniture can really pick you up when you need it. My hardwood floors needed a good cleaning, and I moved a couch so the living room looks so much bigger now! Hubby will probably not like the fact that his "seat" is not directly in front of the monstrous television that we own, but I can see the kiddies much better from my everlasting station in the kitchen. Does anyone else get stuck in the vortex of cleaning-and-cooking? It seems to be a neverending chore around here. But, it is 2:30pm, the little ones are napping, I have made a fresh cup of coffee, and I am settled here on the net. (feeling stress free for the moment)

I have a new found energy to do some projects, but I know that I should (there's that word), I SHOULD finish up the things that I have already begun. I do however, need to do some more research on ebay, since we have a few items around here that I would like to sell. ( we could use the extra cash, and I have been thinking about doing some sort of work from home, so I thought I would try to sell a few things to see how I do). Time seems to be the biggest problem right now for me (as for every Mommy out there, I know). I want to learn so much right now. I started a home study program for certification for Personal Trainer, which, I cannot even read as much as I thought I would be able to!! I would like to learn HTML ( for my Nanny's who are reading, that is the web-language, for building web-sites and stuff). I would like to run on the treadmill instead of hanging clothes on it. I suppose my biggest time obstacle is the fact that I love my sleep at night. I need it. I am in bed by 9:30pm most nights, knowing full well that there is so much I could be doing. But, I do know that for me to be a good and happy Momma, I need to be a well rested Momma. With that, right now I think I will move those clothes and hop on the treadmill for a little.

Feeling Sick

It is a wonderfully ill feeling day in our home. Hubby is sick, throat infection and chest cold, which is really aggravating his asthma. I started to feel sick yesterday but scared the crap out of the germies by dousing myself with salt-water gargles and drinking Vit C supplements. But of course it has happened that I have yet another (sorry TMI) female infection. Ever since I had my Little Girl I get them all the time! It sucks, plain and simple. Through my whole pregnancy with the Little Man until now.
Please God, can I have my crotch back ?

V-Day

Happy Valentine's Day!

wonderful, awesome hubby brought home some yummy choco-covered strawberries and pretzels, so he gets a *star* for the day!! the kiddies and I made some cards on the computer for him and made him some chicken soup to ease his achy head-chest cold. rainy, cold weather and we are home for the day to enjoy each other's company (hopefully)

love to all.......

Slow Down

I have so many thoughts running around lately and no such organizational place for them. I don't even know where to start writing sometimes. So I pulled a card from the Observation Deck and it says simply - slow down. Perfect.

Enjoying and be grateful for what I have does not always come easy. Am I supposed to enjoy cleaning and all the home-keeping drudgery? Where does the fun come in with playing and laughing? I try to make the time for that, but I always feel as if there is something else I "should" be doing. Like ironing (yuck!) cleaning the fridge (yuck! yuck!) cleaning the bathtub in mine and hubby's bathroom (which we never use and I sware and curse every time I clean it out of all the hair and yuckiness that accumulates). I am home with my children. I am making sacrifices to be here, with them. So, I owe them that. To be here with them.

Now that the little cuties have been sleeping until 6-6:30 am, I would like to start using that extra hour (yes, 5 am) to get up and work out. I say this because 1) 8pm ain't working out for me, and 2)I am a happier-well-functioning-momma when I get my sweat on. The truth is, I love to exercise, but I cannot find the time to do it during the day. I know on the days I get it in, I physically feel better. I am emotionally ready to handle whatever comes my way. Mentally, I don't forget as much as I......(oops, sorry lost my thought..) So this goes with putting me first, which in turn will benefit others as well.

Slow Down. Slow Down. Slow Down.

Enjoy the kids without thinking what should I be doing.
Stop rushing around as if there is somewhere else I should be, I need to be here, in the moment, with my precious little ones before I lose this time.

Go to sleep little baby

Tonight is one of those evenings that I keep crawling over toward the computer, but I never quite make it here in time. Parched and weathered from the demands of a two year old who simply cannot decide what she wants at the moment - she wants to be both rocked in the rocking chair and put in her bed at the same time - she wants two music cd's playing her to sleep, but no matter which one I choose for her, it is the wrong one. I need to unwind, relax, de-something or other, but cannot yet breathe knowing that my little angel will soon be screaming for me again (I am so glad - lucky - that she doesn't do this all the time!!!) So my little oasis on the internet will just have to wait until I have some brain cells recharged for tomorrow...

Good Momma

There are times during my day where I wonder what type of mother am I? Am I a good mom? Will my children turn out ok and not so emotionally disturbed? Then I read a news report and see something like this and I have to scream out loud "Yes I am a good momma, hear me roar!!!"

Which now brings me to the question. I see my friends, and various Moms who have their "stuff" together and I wonder, do they really? Are they as dumbfounded as I sometimes? Do they questions every Mommy-Move they make? It really feels sometimes like there is a Mommy Club somewhere that I didn't learn the secret handshake to. The Club that gives you all the answers, like, to remember extra underwear and a plastic baggie in the diaper bag. Or to make sure there is an extra binky in every room of the house. If I don't get my hour to exercise alone each day, I really lose it. I need that for my sanity. Do you know how hard it is to do crunches with a 2 year old sitting on your stomach? Does that make me selfish? I sometimes wonder, because I am not so good all the time at this "mommy last" type of thinking. I sort of think, for me anyway, it would make me not such a good mommy.

A close friend of mine was on the phone today, and she is trying to get pregnant but it doesn't seem to be happening as quickly as she had hoped. I reminded her to relax about it. (this from a woman who got pregnant twice very quickly) As she spoke about the stressful things going on in her life currently, she said maybe she wasn't ready to have kids. I told her I don't think you are ever ready. I am still not ready. I guess if I was ready, it would take the challenge and the fun out of it all.

Library Trip

We had our first visit to the library this week. I have to thank all of the other mommy's who were coming out of a toddler group at that time for assuring me that my little angel (devil) was acting completely normal for her first time. They all assured me that their children (sitting ever so perfect and quiet) were the exact same way on their first trip (running between the aisles of books and screaming "Dora-Dora I want Dora!!"?? I wasn't so sure about that, but it made me feel a little better. I can sware sometimes that I have it all together, then, we leave the house and I am smacked in the face with a large dose of reality. I get flustered and I swore that would never be me. I was supposed to be the mom with the child of gold. I was supposed to have make-up on and my hair done and look ever so yummy at all times. I am supposed to use smarter words than "poop" and "tinkle". I was not going to yell (which apparently, I do quite often). By the way, does anyone have any anger-management tips on that to share with the group???? Don't hold out on me!

So it will be back to the library tomorrow to return a movie we borrowed last week. It will be a quick trip, but perhaps we'll sit and read a short book. The toddler group for this month is actually full already, so I will sign her up for the next one. By then, the in-laws will be home from Florida and then I can bother Momma-Inlaw to watch JR so I can take Sarah on her own. I know I need to start getting her out more (and me of course!!) and accustomed to different situations and places - any ideas???

Finding Passion

Lately my thoughts during the day seem to wander into the "what is my passion" sort of thing. Two babies, busy all day. I find myself really concentrating on what I will enjoy doing once I do start to work again. I have always been passionate about health, nutrition, and yes, even exercise, although I cannot seem to find the time or energy lately. ( I am told that this is normal....?) So, I have decided to get certified through ACE as a personal trainer. I would really love to work with (no surprise here) Moms, and older adults. I think that people need to understand that fitness should be like, well, like brushing your teeth. So many of us are not taught that. It is looked as something we have to do, and I am not one for doing what I have to do (just what I would like, or what is good for me). I also think that people need to know it's something that can be done right at home, or with friends or family. You don't have to go to a gym (unless the kids are driving you nuts and you must leave the house immediately!!!!) I think that this would help me find that need to feel "useful" in this world.

Getting back

ah the craziness of losing your computer - At times it is my link to the outside world. How strange that losing such a simple thing for a few days can be so anxiety causing. I had to reinstall everything to get my little world back to normal. Now to catch up with the laundry and everything else that is begging for attention....

On to everyday things - Sarah is doing great with the potty! IN fact, so great that the only accident she has had was at a friend's party the other day and she went into the bathroom by herself, but couldn't get her little tights off quick enough! I felt so badly because she has been doing so well with it. My little man is so good, especially since I have had to stop midstream nursing to make sure his big sister is ok on the toilet by herself!! He is such a great little go-with-the-flow type of guy!!

I am so excited there are some more new babies to come into our lives!! My friend Jen is pregnant with twins (due in August) and our niece Jodi is also pregnant (due around the same time I think??!) I am thrilled when people are pregnant and the excitement of a new baby!! (most especially when it is not I who has to push it out!)

I am trying to process some of the many news blurbs I have seen or heard this week, so I will write again later today. Like the four sets of parents who are suing Myspace.com and its owner News Corp. due to their children being assaulted by adults that they have met online. I need to do some more research on this particular suit, but, aren't parents also responsible for their children? Perhaps, as I feel, children should not have computers in their rooms or be allowed to be online at certain times or unsupervised, or, as parents we should learn better ways of communicating with our children. Perhaps we should teach our children that you should not publish "private" info such as your personal home address and such online. Or maybe, we could try harder to provide a better home and circle of friends for our kids so that they won't feel the need to look elsewhere for it?? (so someone who has to research it, I certainly have an opinion, huh??) Or all the media hype that a couple like Brad and Angelina get?? I get that they are movie stars and I think that what they do for people in need is wonderful! But I just fear for them that once something they do looks "less than the perfect" the media will attact them negatively. Why do we put people on such a high pedestal, when they are, well, human??

sorry, just trying to clear my head for some better thoughts later......

Crash and Learn

My hard drive has completely been wiped out and I am not a happy momma. Anyone I know and love, please email me with your email address so I can add it back to my address book. I am having trouble adding back programs I use frequently since I cannot find serial #s and all that good stuff. I am so aggravated!
But, in the whole process I am realizing that 1) I must back up my photos weekly (at least I didn't lose them ALL) 2) I must print out receipts, not keep them in the computer and 3) that really I have my health, isn't that all that really matters???

AAAAAHHHHH!!!!

Roar-to be a woman. Most of the time great. Now however, I think that having a penis would make things a little easier sometimes. I have a doctor appointment tomorrow for some bloodwork and a general "physical" to see what's going on. I just haven't felt well in a while. (gee, I wonder if chasing after 2 kids could have anything to do with it??) I just finished a round of antibiotics due to a urinary tract infection. I have an estrogen problem and I feel as if I have a 88 year old crotch.(I am a 32 yr old woman with the oldest crotch on the East Coast!!) So I use the estrogen cream, which will probably cause cancer and unknown at this time illnesses, and I use the antibiotics which have apparantly caused me to have sore nipples, which I believe now to be thrush. JR has not been nursing properly for the past two days, he makes these weird clicking noises in his mouth. I thought this was due to the little booger teething (8 months old with 8 teeth already), but I will try again to pry his little jaw open tomorrow to see if I see anything oddly resembling cottage cheese (that's what the book says.)
So for the rest of my wonderful evening, I will rinse my nipples with a vinegar-&-water and hope that maybe someday soon I will be pregnant again because frankly, that was the time of my life where I felt my absolute best.

Better Best Bestest

I listened today and found that the universe is most definately trying to send me a message. The other day while flipping channels, hubby and I came across an awards show where Will Smith was being honored for something or an another. Anyway, he spoke about how he had decided when he was 15 yrs old, after a girl had broken up with him, he would do everything 100% and never be "not good enough" again. He made a decision to be all he could be and to be the best he could be. Fast forward to this morning on The View, rapper-author-actor-hotty LL Cool J was on in regards to his new fitness book. He also spoke about a pivotal point in his life where he decided that he would not accept less than the best from himself. He would be the best "him" that he could be.

Both men stuck in my mind ( not because they are both good looking), but because they had something to say that resonated with me at a deeper level. So this afternoon, while Sarah was napping and I was making lunch for JR, I played the episode of Oprah that I had recorded from yesterday. Bob Greene was on speaking about his new book The Best Life Diet. I was instantly intrigued, not because it seemed to be a "new" diet plan or something else to change my life, but it was simply the word - best.

I'm not quite sure that I have ever put that much effort into anything. Things have always seemed to come pretty easily to me. I have settled for less than the best about myself in my "laziness" I suppose. I got lucky with a great hubby. I got lucky with two easy going babies. I got lucky with cool inlaws. But what about my own personal goals? To be the "best" mother I can be? To be the "best" me I can be?? I tend to procrastinate, make excuses and try to find the easy way to do things. I do not challenge myself, nor do I expect more than average things to happen for me. Perhaps in making that decision, that leap for always striving for bigger and better I can teach my children all that is possible.

The Potty Training: Mission Not-Impossible I

Toilet training is not so bad. It's been since Tuesday and she is already going into the bathroom and doing the deed by herself most of the time. Some of the day I still must take her in there and have her sit, but it was an accident free day today. hooray for Sarah!!! My little champ!

Now, I just have to actually leave the house and see how she does.... I'm really not looking forward to that since she pretty much just goes into the bathroom at the last possible second.
Ok, kiddo, just hold it!! yeah, ok mom...

This is truly one of those things that BK (before kids) I would have never understood, but now, I along with seasoned mothers everywhere now know the pain and breathless running around that goes with potty training. (and I get to do it again in like 18 months or so!!!)

Training Days

I am breaking a sweat.
This is like training for a marathon.
My arms tire from carrying my spirited young toddler back and forth.
My patience has grown to a thinness that I never knew could be possible.
I am very grateful to have hard wood floors.
I am extremely grateful that my little 8 month old, although he is trying, is not able to walk yet.
It is wonderful for my emotional state that my children are both in bed by 7pm.

I am a potty training momma.

I don't really know what I was thinking before I began this. I thought you bring a child to potty and they take to it right away. Well, sorta. That is if you set a timer every 45 minutes to take them there yourself. I have really been blessed with such a great child that this is just overwhelming to me. Everything has been easy up to this point. Oh yes, then there are the times where I call to her "potty time" and she runs away screaming "NNNOOOO" and as I reach for her she pounds me with a little fist that I can only hope will make money off of boxing someday.


We are doing the underpants, no diaper or training pants thing and it does seem to be going as well as I am guessing it should. She wakes up dry from naps and nighttime so I should not complain about the neverending running around during the day. Besides it is exercise, right??

Sunny Day

Yesterday was a truly beautiful day here in NJ. The sun was shining, not a cloud in the sky and we really only needed a light sweatshirt. It's January and I have a fly in my house that apparently is not aware of the season. It's winter and I don't even know if my cheap self should shell out the cash (even at Wal-Mart) for a pair of snow boots for my little cutie girl since it certainly doesn't look like we will need them anytime soon.



That leads me to Wal-Mart. I have not been to Wal-Mart in a while since Target is closer to my home and it seemed to have all I have needed lately. Well, they have remodeled our Wal-Mart, and although I was annoyed at first because I could not find anything,(because frankly, the world revolves around me and I happen to act like a two year old when things don't go my way) I really like it now. I actually went in and purchased baby food, underwear and spray paint all in one store! Gotta love it!



so here's to playing in the sun during the winter and finding all you need under one roof!!

3 am Beauty

3 am. Baby cries. Momma runs to the rescue. A quick change, quiet night. He squirms toward me to nurse. We sit together and rock softly. The moonlight shines on his face. His little hand reaches up to feel my face and make sure that I am smiling. I am so tired, so peaceful. I stroke his hair and realize this is that moment I want to remember forever. When he plays his first football game, when he graduates high school, goes to college, when he marries his love. I sit and just be here in that moment. This is where I feel my strongest, my most beautiful. This is where I gather my strength to do it again tomorrow.

Toddler eat not

I never in my wildest dreams would have guessed that my toddler's eating habits would cause me so much frustration and stress. She hardly eats anything except fruit and Cheerios. She contantly is pulling at her ears and scratching her throat which leads me to believe she has some sort of food allergy. Oh yes, she also vomits out of the blue, and then wants to eat because she is "so hungy". One of the pediatricians at the practice actually said this is normal. Not for me it's not.
I thought it was a dairy thing, but this evening it happened and there was not dairy to be found in anything she had eaten. The net has way too much information for a neurotic such as myself. I just got a book in the mail I had ordered about kids and allergies, so I thought I would check it out before subjecting her to scratch tests at our allergist.

I know that out of much of what I have read on this that it is completely normal for a toddler to go through different food phases, but if not for the puking-ear pulling-itchy throat I might not worry so much about the whole thing. I suppose it all goes back to following your instincts and mine scream at me to check this out.

wow. I really hope she isn't allergic to chocolate or anything good like that. That would really suck. (for her...)

New Year's Thoughts

I cannot say that I have any New Year's Resolutions. I think that in general I hope to be a better person, more compassionate and thoughtful. I am in the process of learning to listen a little more to that little voice of reason and intelligence in my head. That little voice is never wrong and I tend to just ignore it most of the time. For lack of any other excuse, just laziness and self doubt I suppose. That little voice is who I guess I really am. So, with that little tidbit of insight, I wish you all a Happy New Year and hope for you to listen a little more to that tiny whisper of your soul. ( now as for the voice that screams for you to get up off the couch and eat an entire bag of chips, I'm not so sure what to do about that yet.)

Mommy delusions

I called my mommy up tonight on the verge of tears because basically, I am the mother of a two year old. A two year old girl who really believes she is about thirteen years old. I don't get it. We don't spank her, yet she hits me. I cannot get her to eat anything anymore except apples and cereal. The only way I can get her to brush her teeth is if I do it for her while singing her a song. I don't like the way this anger feels. I didn't expect this when I signed on to be a mommy. Isn't there supposed to be joy and laughter and love all the time? By her bedtime I am so frazzled I wonder if she senses it? My saving grace this week has been that hubby has been home on vacation (well, pretty much working more from home, but here). I feel like I just cannot give her what she needs sometimes. She really has alot of energy (as do all two year olds) and I sometimes wonder if I am doing right by her (giving her enough attention, stimulation). Does she feel less loved since her little brother arrived into this world?

I think I just need some sleep.

Peace out.

Hopes for the near and dear future

Ah, Christmas has come and gone and the New Year is closing in fast. My hopes for the upcoming days are these:

That the crazy bitches in the mall and/or supermarket parking lots will no longer almost run me and my kiddies down because they are obviously not capable of driving and talking on the phone at the same time.

That I will get back on track with working out.

That I will stop yelling at my little 2 year old so much and use my "inside voice" more often.

That I will stop taking everything so damn personally and just understand that when hubby says "This could use some more gravy" he is not saying "This food sucks, why can't you cook like my mother, I cannot eat this, the house is a mess, the car smells, why can't you do anything right?" He is really just saying "This could use some more gravy".

Costco for the holidays

Today I had the absentminded idea of "running" into Costco with the kids. It was 10:30am so I figured it would not be so bad. Apparently they must of opened early because it was quite difficult to find a parking spot. As I proceeded to bundle my little joyous duo into the cart I felt a twinge of "maybe this is not a good idea", but chose to ignore it. Into the store we went because I really wanted to get my little girl the cute little set I had seen a week earlier with a play ironing board, broom, dustpan, etc. (No, I am not the strong willed feminist career minded woman, I am the SAHM who happens to love being home and being supported by and with my hubby). Anyhoo they didn't have what I needed (yes Mom I know, I should have let you pick it up for me the other day), my ginormous cart had a broken wheel that steered only to the right, and they had not tissue paper left (not toilet tissue, but gift bag-box tissue paper). So here I am with a box of baby wipes ready to go.

I did stop and look at the pillows and two really nice women told me how they loved the memory foam-contoured pillows that I was looking at. Ya see, hubby and I have both been waking up with terrible neck pain and certainly not feeling refreshed from an evenings snooze so I thought maybe new pillows is what we needed. A new mattress is most definately not in the budget right now. So with two raving reviews I picked up my pillows and headed for the register.

Here I am 10:15pm, ready for a good nights sleep on what feels to me like the world's hardest pillow and I suppose I will stuff my gift bags and boxes with Kirkland brand babywipes. (they are hypoallergenic)

December Days

Christmas shopping, baking treats, (and throwing some out that I messed up), cleaning house, taking care of babes, make dinner, laundry, cleaning up kitchen (I must do this at least 8 times a day!), wrap gifts, phone calls, mail out of town gifts, send cards, remember December birthdays, exercise, try to eat right, scrapbook, read, walk, shower, shave legs (once in a while), I need a haircut, write, dream, spend 5 minutes with hubby, talk to my Mom, visit Pop who just had a triple bypass (very successful and recovering super well), nap, learn to sew, finish gifts that I am making, iron clothes, try to not judge other peoples marriages-or spending habits-or anything thing else that will add clutter to my brain and negative thoughts in my soul.

The list goes on and on and this is just me, a simple stay at home mom.

I give great credit to all of you Moms that work-how do you do it all???

Challenge

When I moved into the house years ago and lived in loving sin with my now hubby, I, of course, took over the damn place with a woman's touch. Some flowers here, some books there. Knicknacks and little statue things that hubby just will never understand. But he was very firm about one thing, the picture in the living room. This photo which belongs on an office wall. It has annoyed me since day one, but pretty much everything else is "my design" (except for the extremely large television set) and the photo. It's colors, not so bad, I am into green. It blends. However, it just makes me feel as if it should be stretched out on a wall behind an executive desk. No, it hangs over our pack n' play. It is manly and not my "thang".

Now, today, as I glanced around the room, wondering what I could do to dress it up a bit, I realized why I do not like this picture. Challenge. That's what it says. Challenge. Something I have never really done for myself. My goals are always meak and easily attainable. This is why the fabric still lays on the couch downstairs where I should be making some curtains for my bedroom. The truth is, I cannot sew. Not really. I know this will be a difficult task because frankly, I will make mistakes and have to tear out seams and be frustrated. So, I choose to avoid it. I don't want to deal with the anger, impatience and utterly stupid and failing feeling that will consume me. I am not up for the Challenge. I always stick to what I know. Digital pics, scrapbooking, baking. I know these things. It's time to start adding to my list. I am bored. I actually see potential for more design in the house and need to learn to sew because a stay at home momma simply doesn't have the big old wallet to finance all the pretty things I want. The Challenge is here. I could simply use the holidays for an excuse. Or the lack of time with my new found fitness regimen. I don't feel well, my head aches, the babes need me. I can always find an excuse. Or I can step up to the Challenge.

Some funny little words heard 'round the house this week :


"Oh Momma, dis awinge is feet and juicy" (This orange is sweet and juicy)

"Momma wack Ant Katy's eye bwow" (Momma wax Aunt Katy's eyebrows)

"Kurt has a fat peeta, Sarah has a nuny" (Kurt has a penis, Sarah has a nuny)

"Santa bwing Sarah a pink otar" (Santa is gonna bring Sarah a pink guitar)
-which by the way, she feels the entire family must have one, Momma will get a "bwown" one, Daddy a "bllack" and JR, he gets a "puwpool". I suppose we shall travel and sing and be merry with our "otars".

"Momma, want more "hot bunz" ceweal" (Momma I would like some more of your Special K cereal, oh yeah, please, by the way)

and my personal favorite:

" I wuv u Mommy!"- no translation needed....

Once again I wandered the isles at the craft store and could just spend such happy times there. The ideas are flowing and I think everyone on my holiday shopping list is going to get a homemade project with......my kids photos on them!! (totally kidding!) No, seriously though, between scrapbooking and other little thingys going on my head I am most definately motivated to get some work done!

I still have a few more things to get, mostly giftcards now. I would really like to be finished by this weekend so I can wrap and bake and not have any "gift shopping" on my mind.



Future Artist:

Future Football Star:

Wanting to be "fair"

I really enjoy the Christmas Season. I LOVE the shopping and taking the time to find the perfect gift. My problem always come with the monetary amount. Most of the time, like with nieces and nephews, I have a $30 limit per person. But let's say I find the perfect sweater for Niece #1 and it's on sale for $20. I then feel as if I have to spend another $10 on Niece #1 to be fair. Or with gift cards. Sometimes they come in an amount such as $25 and $50. Nothing in between. I always just want to be fair. Why can't I just buy the sweater on sale and be happy I saved money and she gets a cute sweater??? Maybe because I am the oldest child of 6. I don't know. I feel like I am being "cheap" if I stick with the less expensive gift.

Anyone else feel this way?

Searching For Traditions

With all the holiday buzz about town, I am coming to see how I as the Mama must "create" the traditions for our new little family. I see people running wild in the toy store, upset because the "it" toy is out of stock. What's the big deal about this toy? I asked myself. Basically, between television commercials and companies not sending enough product to the retailers, the "it" toy is created. We, the public, are told what is cool, what to buy, what our children want. I'm sorry, my children are 2yrs and 7 months, what do they know? They know what I teach them.

What I would like to teach them is how there is more to giving than receiving. That there are people out there that don't have half of the things we have. That the "spirit" of the season can be carried around all year long. But how? How do I do this? What can I do to impart this on our holiday? Don't get me wrong. I am really enjoying the shopping and looking forward to my little cuties faces on Christmas morning, but how do I make it to be more to them than "what I want, what I get?"

Any ideas??

Holiday Photo Shoot

Today, "Casa de G" held it's annual holiday photo shoot. This year was a bit more difficult as there are now two small children to contend with. It was fun and I got at least 1 pic with both cuties looking at the camera at the same time. I got so many good ones of each individually though. I actually had the fleeting thought of sending out 2 separate cards. (Hubby would have loved that!)


Here are some fun pics from todays challenge:

I have been thinking lately about how self conscious I am and how it has really held me back from so much. I don't write as much as I would like for "fear" of what other people would think. As if my friends or family would disown me for my twisted thoughts - then again....
Or even when I was small, I never pushed to do anything, not even the things I felt passionate about. I just kept it inside so nobody would know. Money was an issue for my family, and being the eldest of 6 children I always felt it my responsibility to "step down" to make things easier. I have always felt myself to be an intuitive person and really try to go with it now. Trust my gut, go with my first instinct.

Having children has really changed so much inside me because now I feel it so important that I be that strong passionate person. A good role model. A loving mother. That means the simplest things now. To spend some time scrapbooking. To push myself to sew those stupid curtains I have been putting off forever (of course out of fear that I don't know what I am doing). To stop sabatoging my diet. To allow myself to be me. To not feel guilty when I need a Mommy-Alone-Moment. To not feel like I am failing because there is dust in the house or piles of laundry. To do these things because I cannot teach it if I cannot do it.

How do toddlers think?

My little girl, 2 years old and now looking more "girl" than "baby"


but it really makes me wonder what is going through her mind when I fall upon this sight in her room:




"Sarah, what are they doing?"
"Oh, brova and sita are hanging out"
"ok"

and this one:





"Sarah, what is the family doing on Daddy's chair?"
"They eatin"
"ok"


like, duh Mom!

I wandered through the aisles of the craft store tonight feeling energized. I remembered how much I enjoy scrapbooking. I got so many ideas just looking at those cute little holiday stickers. I usually just keep going and get what I "need". But this time was different. I stuck with a little project in my head and bought what I needed. Now, just to follow through....

The holiday season is officially upon us. I find myself crying, over and over again, to "I'll Be Home for Christmas". I cannot wait until I begin my annual baking - I even have a few new ideas this year for treats!! I am so hoping that Sarah will find interest in "The Grinch Stole Christmas". Most of all though, I want to find a way to teach her "Christmas" as a feeling. A feeling that we, at least I, would like to keep in my heart all year long. People smile more at strangers, they give more donations - whether it be time or money. There is an over all joy in the air. I want my children to not grow up thinking about what they want, but what they can do for others. Santa Claus will visit our home this year, but as my children grow, I certainly want it to be about more than their Christmas lists. The truth is, hubby and I have always had a lifestyle where we have all that we need and a little more. The holidays are always difficult because frankly, there is nothing that we need. If we "want" something, we usually just go out and get it. I really hope that in this materialistic age I can teach my children that difference. Perhaps, as I sit here thinking about it, I can start up some holiday traditions with them more focused on volunteering and helping out those less fortunate.

Honestly, I just hope that I don't get lazy and give in to the craziness and excess of the holiday. I always have these bright ideas that I think are so thoughtful and then, I don't act on them. That is what I need to work on. The truth is, I can "think" all I want, but my kids are going to learn more from my actions than any words I speak to them.

Fat Peeta

Last week I started bringing the baby into the bathtub with Sarah. He is a little wobbly, but I hold him, wash him, and get him out. The first time Sarah didn't notice anything "different". The next time, she noticed. She pointed to his "stuff" and said "nuny", which is what we ended up calling hers. I sat there for a moment wondering if I should just "oh yeah" her or actually go there, and then, what should I call it? I remember growing up with four younger brothers my parents had such a silly name for it and I just didn't want to do that either. So I simply said, "your brother has a penis". Well, for some reason "penis" turned into "fat peeta". She thinks it is the funniest thing, saying it every chance she can get, even though I really tried to make it very matter of fact, ya know, being the responsible parent and all.

Fast forward to this morning: I made Sarah a cute little smiley face on bread with peanut butter, raisins and banana. She took a bite and looked a little confused, as it was different bread than she was used to. She looked up at me and questioned "bread?" I said "yes honey, it's pita bread". Well, she was quite perplexed by the whole thing, checking out the bread, then looking over at her brother. "Kurt (JR) fat peeta??" She wasn't too hungry after that.

Affirmations

I never really practiced affirmations before, but today seemed a good day to try something new. Hubby and I had a small arguement about something stupid. After finishing up what we each felt we had to say, I just repeated in my mind a short, but very positive statement. I kept at it and I began to feel myself smile. Normally after such an arguement I feel the need to keep asking him questions, and bringing up the same silly thing we just had argued about. This was much nicer. I kept thinking it and I was much nicer to my husband, my kids, strangers we met along the way. I felt emotionally lighter and wondered why I hadn't tried this before.

I always find myself speaking very positive to Sarah, always giving her a "thumbs up", always telling her how proud I am when she does something by herself, such as clean up or help her brother with a toy. I stopped to listen to my own little "cheerleader" and realized there wasn't one. The only thing I heard up there in my little head was a tone that I didn't like. No wonder I feel badly so often, no wonder I feel "not good enough" sometimes (ok, most of the time).

So this evening, after a nice, quiet, alone trip to the supermarket, I did some research online about "affirmations". I found this website which breaks it down pretty easy. I think in my younger years, I certainly would have found this quite "corny" and would never have admitted to even entertaining the idea of it all. But now, I am beginning to realize that I can "control" alot more of my life than I used to believe. So, here goes with trying something new, and hopefully forming a new and good habit.

Being different

Someone asked me the other day "why do you blog? why do you put such personal thoughts out there for anyone to read?" It got me thinking about why I do it, and who I like to read. I enjoy reading bloggers such as Dana and marsha_tm . Women who are funny and witty, and that can turn the story of going to Costco or buying a new toddler potty into the coolest story ever. I too, dreamt of being witty and cute, but alas, I find I am not. I tend to be emotional, slightly melodramatic, and wanting to be intuitive. I can be motivational at times. I started writing online because I was lacking something. Home alone all day with 2 babies and I wondered, "does anyone feel this way or that? is this normal?" Normal, I have found, is just a word. A word that means something different to everyone, so now, I have to ask "is this healthy?" I needed to find out what other moms feel and think and do. The truth is, we all do it different and the same. We all look for that normalcy, and yet, still yearn to stand out in the crowd. We all dislike cleaning(well there are some who like it, just not I) and the drudgery of it all. We all want our children to be good people and succeed in life.

I need to learn to embrace what makes me different, just as I would do with my own child. I would tell my daughter not to dress a certain way just because everyone else is doing it. I will tell my son he doesn't have to play a certain sport just because his father says he should if he really doesn't enjoy it. So now, I have to really put myself out there. I really hope that something fun and twisted happens along the way so I can share the laughter that some of you have shared with me. But I'm finding that if I want my children to learn to walk a certain way, I am definately going to have to walk it first. My Sarah loves to dance, because I do and we make the time for it. My son, he likes to eat (ha ha, must also be from me). The goal has always been to raise healthy, smart and individual kids, but now, that goal is for myself too. It's too easy to get lost underneath and behind everything at home.

Thanksgiving

It is that time of year that we sit back, eat alot of everything in sight, and reflect on the things that we are truly thankful for. My hubby, my kidz, my family and in-lawz. My home, my health. My crazy thoughts that allow me to delve deaper into myself and really think things through. My hubby, who taught me to think before buying everything under the sun for the babies. There is truly something to be said about having more of what you need than what you want. My sister, who is so very different from me, and we don't always agree or get along, but her strong will and loyalty teaches me lessons daily. My friends who, although we don't see or speak as often as I would like, are always there in my heart and on the phone when I need them the most. My brother for making me proud of him and his strength (and he didn't even know he did it). My Mom who has a zillion things on her own plate, and yet, she always finds the time to listen to me whine, complain, and vent my frustrations.

On a lighter note: I am thankful for chocolate ice cream, graham crackers and a piping cup of hot coffee. (not all together)

What do I want my children to learn today: That being grateful shouldn't be a yearly event. It should be done daily.

This morning, around 6:45am I looked out the front window to see two teenagers sitting on the curb. Not such a big deal, they were obviously cutting school since all the buses had gone already. It made me a little nervous only because we live on a dead end and no one really ever comes over here, not even for Trick-or-Treating on Halloween. Well, the kids left the area about 1/2 hour later. Ok, so no big deal. I then went out food shopping and when I returned I saw the mess these little hooligans left. A mess of loose leaf papers all over my lawn and wrappers of some sort all over the curb. I was just really aggravated that on top of hauling in my groceries and my babies, that now, I had to clean up someone else's mess. Someone who was too rude to think that maybe their loitering and littering would affect someone else. Where are these kid's parents? I thought to myself. But most of all, I think I was angry because I too was once a teenager. I was the girl who wore baggy clothes so as to not bring attention to myself, I looked a mess (I think I did at least), I did not think of others and I hung out in the woods smoking weed (sorry to my Grandmothers who are reading this since they both think I am so damned near perfect). I am sure that people wondered where my parents were. Why was I out so late? I was angry because I probably made someone else feel badly by the way I spoke, or littered, or just disrespected. Actually, I pretty much did not realize "other people have feelings too" until I had children and saw how much my words, actions, even negative thought patterns affect others. My daughter will ask me for something then let out a big "huff", because, that is what I do. Especially when I am getting aggravated at her. hello! She is 2 years old and I find myself getting aggravated way too often, and mostly because her needs "cut into" mine. Like, I lay down for a nap and that is when she seems to want me the most. Or, I look up to see something interesting on The View and she wants my attention. I need to be more present with her, with everyone. I need to take notice of what bothers me about a situation and figure out why. It always has to do with me, not the situation itself. I need to listen to that little voice inside me, instead of shushing it or ignoring it. That little voice usually tells me "call you friend, send some flowers, be kind". Instead I usually worry and spend endless energy on negative thoughts, gossiping, judging, forgetting that there is a whole world out there outside of my little dead end street. I want my children to see the world, to understand that their actions speak volumes about who they are. I want them to think of others as extensions of themselves. I want to effortlessly feel this way too.

Lessons Learning

I never fully understood the range of emotions that I would encounter in a marriage. One minute I am so in love and the next he annoys me to no end. How is this possible? In the movies it seems so damned near perfect. Is this why the divorce rate is so high in our country? Do so many people just give up during the "get-on-my-nerves-go-away" times? Or do we forget what the word commitment means? I k-n-o-w I am not quite perfect (damn near close though, hehe) and I k-n-o-w I annoy my hubby pretty much all the time, but I sleep well at night knowing that we are in it for the long haul. I wish for all those I love that they too feel that same security in their relationships.

Something else I never really understood was the "having kids" thing. I always wanted "a baby". Boy, was I in for a smackdown of reality. The baby is the easy part. The toddler, on the other hand, is a completely different, individual, screaming little human. I don't know some days if I have the patience for this. I question myself each and every day. Why do I say "no" all the time? Should I be more of a schedule type person? Is my kid gonna be screwed up because of me? Does she watch too much TV? Is she eating too much sugar? (Definately yes to the last one) Am I too strict? Am I not strict enough? Will I ever have the answers? Do I just need some sleep? (I also think that, I too, eat w-a-y too much sugar)

So here's to hoping for a sugar-free, long naptime day on Monday!

Plush

The theme this week being "Plush" this is the plushest I could find in my little digital library. I know, the frightened look on my child's face makes you feel as if the Easter Bunny has just promised to eat her alive. But, it certainly put a smile on my face and a giggle in my throat this evening, so I hope it works for you too.

Could we all agree just not to spend any of our hard earned money and buy OJ Simpson's book? It's bad enough he is walking around a free man, I don't think that we should pay his salary as well.

(I am now stepping off the soapbox .....)

now

Learning to find "me" time is not something I am at all good at. Tonight, in fact, I think I did this without actually planning it. I have been feeling very irritable the past few days, which, I also felt at this point (7 months) after Sarah was born as well. I had chalked it up to the progestrin-only birth control pills I was taking and had stopped taking them. FAST FORWARD 10 months and the Big Man was born. So now, I'm not sure what to do. I'll call the doc if it seems to get worse, but I am hoping by adding some more excercise and maybe deducting some very tasty, but very unhealthy refined carbs will do it. I, of course, would love another baby, but not right now. Hubby on the other hand is very satisfied with our family and is not quite sure about another little one in the house. Well, anyway, in my effort to fix my foul mood, I put on a pot of coffee for some much needed energy and jumped on the treadmill. On purpose I did this first, before any cleaning, ironing, or laundry folding, because I always get sidetracked by these mundane daily deeds and find it so hard to do things "for me". Needless to say it worked, because I am also sitting here on the internet letting you in on my evening.

So, what I have learned today is that the laundry will always be there, jump on the treadmill or paint my toenails NOW! (whatever cools the mood I suppose)

wide open spaces

The sweet smell of baby hair and the pudgy little hands and feet.
The innocent blue eyes and the spirit of a warrior.
The living in the moment and not worrying about tomorrow.
The future is wide open.

Party aftermath

First let me start off by saying YES! There was plenty of chili. Too much in fact that I will somehow turn into a cute little Texan Momma from eating so much chili this week! (portion controlled of course)

Sarah enjoyed her birthday party and all seemed to go well. Anything that didn't go well, (to any family members that might have been witness to it) I don't want to know about it. Sarah's favorite part seemed to be when the family gathered around to sing her "Happy Birthday". She sat there, her face all lit up, in front of her cake, and she glowed from the pride that she knew we were all there for her. She looked at me with a face of joy that I will never forget. She was the purest form of happy I have ever observed in my entire 32 years on this earth, and I hope to always see it in her eyes. Her Daddy had to help her blow out the big old #2 candle and she was so glad to finally be able to eat some cake and ice cream! (of course, when I wasn't looking, my dear Nanny allowed this sweet little child to dig her fingers into my homemade(ok, Betty Crocker mix) creation. I know MY child would have NEVER done such an thing on her own! haha)

When all was said and done, the day was great and as my dear hubby crashed on the couch after everyone left we realized it was only 4:30pm!!! Oh Mah God!!! WE still had exactly 2 and 1 half hours to contend with the little cuties. So, we put on our game faces and did the best we could in our sleep deprived conditions (the babes were awake since 5am that morn). I was so tired last night, that when hubby finally went off to bed around 10, I couldn't get off the couch and slept there another 2 hours before going off to bed myself.

Sarah enjoying her cake

Her favorite gift of the day, her piano

Crazy momma thoughts

Everytime we have a party here at the house I get so stressed the day before with cooking and cleaning and last minute details, and now I have 2 small children to contend with. I don't think that the hubby really gets it sometimes. My mind is usually on complete overload, but, I can quiet down some of the noise in there to maintain a healthy appearance. But a day like today, when I have so much thinking to do, it's just too much. Is there enough chili? Did I buy enough cold cuts? Did I clean the toilets? Can people see the dust-bunnies up there? Make sure the dishwasher is empty, make sure there are enough kitchen towels, Did I buy wine? What types should I get? Is there enough chili? Is this bread ok for everyone? Did I sweep off the front porch? Did the potato salad come out ok? Did I scrape the Play-Doh off the kitchen table, floor, and anywhere else it may have stuck to? IS THERE ENOUGH CHILI??? Really, this is just the beginning. (This is on top of the diapers, nursing, baby food, ,toddler-who-won't eat, and everything else).

Now, as I get ready for bed, I am trying to quiet down those damn voices in my head, but I just keep going over and over and over the same stupid things - YES, I think there may be enough chili.

Why do we stress? Why do I worry that the Mom-In-Law will see the dust-bunnies or the dirty dishes in dishwasher or the laundry in fold-me-purgatory? Why is it so important that I do everything and not let anyone help me? Why do I get annoyed when people try to help me - put dishes away or offer to bring something? WHY WHY WHY? Does it make me less of a woman to take help? Do I look weak? Will they revoke my Happy Housewives Association membership?

What the hell??????

I know that tomorrow, once our family starts to arrive and I smile and greet everyone I love, all of these evil crazy thoughts will be dust in the wind, but for now, as I try to lay my head down on the pillow, they will threaten my sleep and wound my insecurity for the next 7 hours.

Only a 2 yr old

Driving over to Toys-R-Us to let Sarah pick out a bday present, my darling daughter spots the Dunkin Donuts and shouts out "Momma needs coffee".
Yes baby, I do.

Trying to do my 10 minute workout of squats and lunges, my little sweetie says "Momma hot bunz".
Yes baby, they are.

Not wanting to eat her dinner, but certainly thinking like her Mom and wanting dessert, my wonderful baby girl says "Momma, I love you! Cookie now?"
Yes, baby, here ya go!

Flattery will get you anywhere with me.

Happy Birthday Baby Girl

To my little girl,

2 years ago today you came into this world with a strong voice and a stubborn mind

I hope to see those strengths and may you always stick to your beliefs

My wish for you is to follow your dreams and always dream BIG

Listen to your heart and always trust your instincts

You will always be my little girl, but I hope someday to see a strong woman

Someone who will not back down and who will stick up for what she believes is right

I promise to always be there for you, to help you along you along your way

To show you and teach you how great you can and will be

I love you Sarah - Happy Birthday Sweet Baby Girl!!

Change

Our country lies in wait
We have seen a call for change
Now, it is up to the newly elected to make it

We the people have made our voices heard
This is our land
Now, it is in the hands of our new officials

Please mend our country, our hearts, our minds
Please fix this rift in between us, we are all one
Please don't focus on the differences, rep or dem
Please help us to be better than we are right now

As a Mother, Wife, Daughter, Friend
We need for this to happen

Pain in the neck

I have been nursing a serious-bad muscle pain thingy in my neck since Sunday morning, and I have only to blame my children. Yes, my sweet little cutie-pies did this to me. We stopped into the hospital on Saturday to visit my little brother who had his appendix taken out (poor little Seany-Boy). Anyway, the stupid boy at the WRONG INFO desk sent me to the 2nd floor. With one 21 lb 6 month old in one arm and a toddler who walks, "I do it Momma", off we went to the elevator. The 2nd floor was like a world of its own, I was lost, baby screaming, toddler only hopping square to square on the tiled floor, and NO ONE to ask for help. As I headed back to find the elevators (which I couldn't find, I have no sense of direction) I found a man who helped me, told me pediatrics was the 5TH FLOOR, and that I wasn't the only person that this INFO person sent to the incorrect place. He was going to straighten it all out. What a wonderful man. However, now my toddler wants to sit on the floor and the baby is slipping out off my hip. SOOOO.. I lean down to pick my darling daughter up by her arm and flipped my son up a little higher on my hip. Yes, all at the same time.

Needless to say, the pain started Sunday and I have felt useless for 2 days now.
I did go vote today, however, I did wait until hubby came home so I could run out and do it by myself instead of dragging the kids and only making myself feel worse. Especially since I still wasn't sure who to vote for and especially since I really don't like either of the Senate candidates we have running here in NJ. I thought it through and had to take the lesser of two evils. I hate the nasty commercials and everything that goes with campaigning. I hate wondering if I made the right decision. I hate thinking they all seem like crooks to me and it so hard sometimes to come to any decision that leaves me feeling good. Maybe I should run for office. Actually, not such a good idea, in high school I did inhale, and I am quite sure there alot of people who, if paid $10 would attest to that fact.

I will watch the endless news channels tonight for hours upon hours to see who won and where, because, now as a responsible adult (who no longer inhales), parent and citizen, I find myself interested and frightened for the future of this country and my children.

What is it?

It is the time for me to reveal the complete and utter neurotic that is me.

My jaw kinda hurts a little and after poking and prodding at it for an hour I think I feel a lump. Actually, when I roll my head around, just as my chin touches my chest I feel it. Do I have cancer? Will I die today? What will my kids call my husband's new and much younger wife?

My own Mother can vouch for the fact that I can literally turn a pimple into a cancerous and deadly object within 5 minutes. Between the internet and various health books I have here in my sweet little home. I am dangerous. I feel a pain and I must know what organ it is. What could happen to me? Can they take it out? Can I live without it?

My dear sweet hubby had a pain in his chest last week. After doing my "usual"research I had him diagnosed with a hiatal hernea. Where are our wills? Is everything together if something happens to one, or, both of us?

When I was pregnant, it was the worst. I would call my poor Mom at work with questions like : "Mom, if the cord is wrapped around the baby's neck, would I know it?" "Can the baby kick ME too hard and hurt me?" "Can I dilate without pain and the baby fall out of my body as I am cooking dinner?"
Yeah, it's bad.

There is way too much information on the internet for people like me.

Holiday dreams

The holidays are coming up and I am getting psyched for shopping. Actually going out at night, all alone and shopping. I am looking forward to other people's kids screaming and crying at Toys-R-Us (mine, at home). I will be so excited to stand on line in Wal-Mart behind not so well behaved kids and smile because, once again, mine will be home. I will not be in a hurry, and I will live in the moment. I will drink a coffee, maybe stop in the bookstore to yes, browse. All the while my delicious dark roasted treat will still be hot and steamy and delicious. I will try to find a Not-So-Mommy-Outfit and try to look cool. Maybe I'll even take the hubby's truck and leave the minivan at home. OOh, I'm starting to shake, is it true? Can I make this dream a reality?

In all truth, most of my shopping will probably be done online, while JR sits on my lap smacking the keyboard and Sarah screams that she wants to play games on Noggin, but one can only dream.......

No sugar, good day

Today was a good day. Maybe it is the fact that I didn't eat any chocolate myself and maintained a steady blood sugar all day. Maybe it is the fact that my children were perfect and there were no meltdowns. Or maybe, perhaps, it is because I am coming to realize that I just need to relax and live more in the moment.
Cheerios all over the floor in the supermarket - ah, they'll sweep it up (I DID kick them over to the side so a nice old lady wouldn't wipe out).
Toddler won't eat anything except fruit or cereal? So what, she certainly eats healthier than me. Anyway, I am quite sure that within the next 16 or so years she will try maybe one or two new things to eat.
Same toddler splashes so much water around from the bathtub that the bathroom looks like the hull of the Titanic - well I just took a big ole fluffy towel and wiped it all down - no I don't have to clean in there tomorrow!
I am certainly hoping that this zen-like state stays with me for more than 24 hours. Besides, I haven't started having withdrawal symptoms from the lack of chocolate yet, so we shall see.