breathe

The past few days have felt like an eternal rest in preschooler hell. really. Sarah has had some bad times, topped off with my inability to cope, which I will fully blame on PMS. So last night I put on Dora for the kids after we cleaned up from the dinner that no one really ate anyway, I put out my yoga mat, ready for some me time. Normally I do ashtanga yoga, which for anyone who doesn't know is a set of specific poses done in the same order each time, basically. I, in my hormonal fluctuations and irritability down to my bones just couldn't hack it. I just sort of "winged it" and did whatever poses I thought of. It felt good. The stress eased away from my neck. My back felt normal again. I could think clearly. But the most amazing part of the whole thing was that as I began to feel whole again, as I stretched and breathed and worked it all out, the kids both came up to me and started doing yoga with me. Away from the tv. They didn't even speak, neither of them. Now what would usually happen is I would try to find something else for them to do, you know, don't jump in momma's space. But last night was different. I wonder if they sensed that I was coming back around from the jumpy mind fog I felt all day. Or maybe they truly just wanted to be with momma. Either way, the day ended nice, calm and peaceful. Just what we needed to begin anew today. ( and boy did I need it! )

namaste.

skiing - NOT!

A few years back, before I was a momma, or Hubby's wife even, hubby and I went skiing. Well, he went skiiing. My B-I-L aka- "Tree Man", and Hubby tried desperately to teach me. I put on my boots, complained I couldn't walk. All I kept thinking about was that the ski pants made my ass look HUGE. I put on the skis and ventured onto the ski lift, which I was terrified of as I am afraid of heights. I cannot even step onto a chair without feeling a little queasy. So I get on the ski lift and cry the whole time up the little bunny slope. I fell off at the top. Yeah. Mind you in PA at the time it was like 50 degrees and I think it was more slush than snow on the mountain. Tree Man and Hubby try to teach me. I am stubborn and just yell out "I caaann'ttt do it!", several annoying times. Tree Man gets behind me and really tries his best and in his most patient and fatherly like voice teaches me over and over again. I squat and sit on the ground, I'm not budging, this is stupid, I can't do it. I rip off the skis and walk down the side of the hill. I went for a nice long walk around the resort and then ended up at the bar where I had a great time. The point of the story is that I am stubborn and that you cannot get me to do something that I don't want to do.

Fast forward to 2009, my beautiful Sarah is 4 years old. What does she do when she is told to clean her room or pick up a few things by herself? "I caaannn'ttt do it!!!" is the chorus I hear ringing from her room. "I'm not moving, I'll sit here all day! I don't care!" Forgetting about my own little attitude problem I constantly wonder aloud - where did this child come from? what is her deal? I sit and laugh and see that she is me. She is smart and stubborn. Creative, but wants things done her way. In her own time.

Now I just wonder when I will be able to get Hubby and Tree Man to take her skiing so I can get some time alone at the bar...

just a weird thought

If you just stop and breathe once in a while, you see the humor in your life. Yesterday I went to my Dad's house with the kids to have lunch with him for his birthday. When we left I was so relaxed, it was a good visit - no one ended up in time-out, both kids behaved. As I'm driving home I look lovingly into the backseat and JR is eating snow off his boots (eww!) and Sarah is totally digging for gold up her nose. Normally I would yell out "stoppp that !" "eww!" But I was so calm and all I thought was - don't eat the yellow snow.. Then, and I don't know where this came from, I started to wonder, in all seriousness, if anyone had ever been burned by the heated leather seats in their car. Really. As I felt all warm and cozy in my fam van I really wanted to know if there are any serious burn victims from the luxury of leather seats!

Truth be told, without the weird thoughts and freezing cold weather, it was a very good day.
And, my butt was very warm.

small children & other things that can go wrong

Jr was up at 3:30am. Yes, you read that correctly - 3:30 AM! He insisted that he had to go potty (at 2 1/2 he refuses to use the bathroom for us, but seems to need it in the middle of the night!) Well as I suspected, he had already went in his diaper. I quietly changed him and brought him back to his bed. He was not ready for bed. He was ready for playing and laughing. After about an hour I got him to go back to sleep (thank goodness for that!!)

Fast forward to 7:45am when he had an appointment at the allergist to follow up on meds and asthma. I had the kids pack their bags with some books and toys. I was ready. I went over the rules - no yelling or running around, no touching things that aren't ours, blah blah blah. As I stood there trying to listen to the Dr., the kids running around me & ignoring my pleas for compliance, it was as if my mind was whisked away to a far off land - what did he say? why can't they sit still for 2 freakin' seconds? why? relax, they're kids this little voice said slowly and quietly. So, they're kids, they're not gonna listen? The woman who walked into the waiting room after us sure had a couple of little ones that lined up, they were quiet, read their books, and even talked softly. They didn't yell or jump up. Granted, they weren't smiling either, so in my mind I'm thinking they didn't have such a great morning at their house either.

So what does a stressed out overthinking momma do? She goes on amazon.com and orders up some more parenting books because she is thoroughly convinced that someone out there has the answer, and it will be found.

being home

I found recently that in order to maintain some sense of myself through the day of staying home with two small children, that I need to have goal. Sounds silly right? Well for me I need to feel there is a purpose or my day just feels, well, unlived? I have to remind myself that I am here to raise happy, healthy kids. I am here to guide, not dictate. I hate the anger and yelling. I hate feeling like I am supposed to "control" how they act and what they do. They are kids. I cannot even control myself at times, and I am expecting them to be all "sit down and don't move"?

Really, the problem arises when I compare. Just like comparing our own fat ass to someone else's, comparing kids can be dangerous. Sarah has high energy and reacts much differently than other kids, this does not make her bad, nor does it imply that she needs to be medicated either. I, as her mother, can see her differences and try to focus with hubby on her needs and what works for her. I am fully prepared to home-school her if she has problems in school. I am fully prepared to work with her so we can learn how she thinks and what helps her focus. THAT'S what parents do. Right now I can see that I have been digital scrapbooking a project and blogging, and it seems that the kids are getting restless. Instead of my usual frustration and "why can't I do this.." attitude, I will stop and play with them, because isn't that really why I am home with them ??

How does Angie do it?

Seriously, how do you get the kids to get along, pottytrain, look amazingly beautiful (well, that would be genes..), keep a serene look on your face and gaze lovingly at your significant other, and she has 6 kids?? I have 2 and hubby is really lucky if I smile a little more than usual. I use my power of positivity, my affirmations, and still cannot keep it together sometimes. Is my identity so wrapped up in the "mommy" that I forget about the rest of me? I am serious though, like, do her kids scream and punch each other as she and Brad are walking out the door to a red-carpet thang, or do they wave and smile and hold each other's hands tightly? Is there fighting over who gets to be blue while playing Candyland? Do they watch Wall-E every single day? Is there screaming kids and children who refuse to go to time-out? Does the momma yell? Oh yes, and hubby swears that she must wear very sexy lingerie-pajamas-whatever for Brad! Really? With kids jumping in and out of the bed through the night?

ok, enough about that. I have vented for the day. I certainly am not as beautiful as a movie star, but I'm sure my day is not all that out of the ordinary for a regular ol' momma either.
But really, don't you want to know?

crouching momma, screaming child

How is that the sweetest little baby girl has turned into, um, a monster? Is it a fight for independance? Am I unrealistic with my expectations? I really don't know what to do sometimes. She acts up, I count, if I get to 3 it's time out you go. She will scream and fight her way there, saying she doesn't love me, blah blah blah. I try to remain calm, you know, let her know I'm in charge, she can't ruffle my feathers. Then it happens - my feathers get tousled and turned. I scream, I lose myself. AAAHH! It is in those moments that I feel low. Seriously, if hubby did something disrespectful or talked back in a nasty tone, would I yell and smack his bottom? No, I just think to myself "idiot" and usually try to redirect. Lovingly.

I read something recently in a parenting book, about how we are not responsible FOR our kids, but TO them. In other words we are responsible to teach and guide. It is up to us to teach them to think for themselves and make their decisions for action on their own. Now I know at 4 years old I am still dealing with tantrums and sleep issues( to nap or not to nap, that IS the question!) and just a general nonunderstanding of many things in her world, but, could it be possible that a gentler momma could help her not feel that she needs to fight it out all the time?

I get that I am not their "friend", but their parent. I understand my place, but how to go about it sometimes frustrates me to no end! How come when we go somewhere, like the chiropractors office, and I explain the rule -"respect this place, no running around, no screaming...."- why on this great green earth do they do just that? I was not supposed to be the frazzled, yelling, uptight momma. I was supposed to be the cool, hip( and very cute ) momma who smiles all the time and whose kids actually listened.
Seriously, don't laugh, a woman can dream.

snow day fun this past week

the facebook thang

So I did the facebook thing, and for my dear grandmothers who might not know, it is a website that people post their info- names, schools attended, towns lived in, to network and keep in touch with friends from high school, college, things like that. So weird it is!! Like, do you really want to know what your ex-boyfriend is up to?? I don't. Not that I don't care or anything,wish the very best for them, but, don't really want to "keep in touch". Or, maybe, the old friends that you had a falling out with, or, just let time slip away without keeping in touch? How do you approach that? Do you just skulk around reading their profiles (if they are not privacy locked), not letting them know you are a complete stalker in the making, OR do you just jump right in there? So very high-school-drama isn't it? And then there is my teenage brother, who I'm pretty sure is not on that website, but I don't think he would want me to know about his party-friends-and-other-goings-on. I know that when I was 18 years old I didn't want to share all that with some old-34-year-old-woman!

Until I figure out the proper etiquette for facebook use, I will continue to pretend that I don't silently look out for those old friends and I sware I won't tell the mothers of the teenage nieces and nephews that have befriended me of the beer drinking and partying pics.
For now.....

sleep and other dreams of mommahood

ok, so my kids got up at 4:30am this morning. I am smiling, really I am. I had my coffee, my protein shake and I'm trying to do my online blog reading now so I can enjoy the rest of the day with them. The weather looks a little warmer than it has been, so I am hoping to get them outside and running around.

I just wonder, does anyone else's kids get up so freakin' early? seriously. They go to bed at 8pm. They sleep through the night, although, they sometimes end up in our bed at some point through the night, but they must tiptoe in and slide under the covers, because hubby & I wake up and they are just, well, there. Being the ever-overanalyzing-momma I wonder - what the heck am I doing wrong? Is this normal? I miss my 8 hour of sleep nights, and I did have them even after the kids were born! Is it too much tv during the day? Should I run them like dogs outside even on the coldest days? AAAHHH!!

I know, shut up! Be happy they are healthy and happy (most of the time!) and hubby and I seem to be getting a handle on their tantrums and attitude problems that seem to be arising lately. As for my tantrums and attitude problems, well, I have earned them a little bit, don't ya think???

bread update

so my last I went on and on about our bread making day. Here's some pics. It was a denser bread due to the whole wheat flour, but a few days later I made french toast with it and it was awesome!! (at least, I thought so, and being the momma, that's the opinion that matters, right?)

the kids waiting patiently outside the oven door....

freshly sliced bread....(yeah, momma's a little proud of herself now!)

yummy!!!

snowy day baking fun

Very cold and snowy here today in NJ. Not in the mood to pack the kids up in the car to go work out at the gym, I'll just do it later this afternoon at home. So, as I love love love to bake, I decided to try my hand at bread - cinnamon raisin bread to be exact. I replaced 1/2 the flour with whole wheat so I didn't feel to badly about it, and right now it is on the second rising. After this, on to bake in the oven. It already smells so good! The kids really got into the kneading and rolling into loaves, so they are very excited to see the final result. (pics for the next post!!)

I am *hoping* that with Sarah really enjoying the baking and anticipation of the results of her labor, that soon she will enjoy the other cooking a little more( more so to enjoy more food, especially more nutritious foods! ) She is very difficult with not ever wanting to try something new, nothing with any sort of sauce or topping, and with her dairy allergy, it makes it difficult anyway. Lately, if she refuses to eat dinner, I have just been telling her that she is welcome to eat a banana, which she promptly refuses. So, I figure if she was really that hungry, the banana would be just fine. She's still growing, so I'm thinking missing a few meals here and there wouldn't be so bad for her??

just some notes

Jr has moved to a big boy bed.

My Grandpa (Poppa) is doing better.

Kids are napping.

I will be working out some soon.


Sending love and smiles to all!

small reminders

Smile more
Be thankful
Stop yelling first
Just listen
Enjoy the sound

Kids playing
Hubby time
Stay in touch
Don't overthink

New Year's Wishes

In trying to teach the kids about goals, instead of "resolutions", we made a family list and put it on the fridge, one "wish" or goal for each person. Mine was to work on my scrapbooks more often, Hubby's was to work on his little projects in the garage (he loves to build things). Sarah (4 yrs old) said that she would like to play outside more often, which I think is fantastic!! (her new word for everything now by the way) Jr (2 1/2 yrs old) stated that he would like more cake.

Well, I will just have to comply!!

Happy New Year and Love to all!!

playtime

Why do I try to blog and do anything on the computer with 2 small children circling me like vultures? That's sounds bad, I know. I thought that with a playroom near by, they would play happily (and quietly), while I typed away. Duh!! I should know better. I am the oldest of 6. Do I not remember the utter chaos? Do I not remember the screaming (parents and children included), the fights and the crying?? So, for today, I will stop, play and listen. Just be in the moment right? I can type later. Then I can update you other things, like trying to lose the holiday weight, kid's Christmas pics and making happiness an everyday habit.

Love to all

AAAHHHH!!

I tried to finish up the baking, clean up the kitchen, and all without the kids screaming. WWHHAATT? you say? A 2 and 4 year old who kept themselves busy for longer than 10 minutes? No. Of course not. What the heck was I thinking? I got all the cooking stuff done and thought, well, maybe I could work out a little bit. It's been a week since I got to the gym, JR's been sick and I need to stress release some major energy. After 35 minutes of fighting with the kids on which puzzle to set them up with, I popped on my new Britney Spears cd and went to work on my circuit training. The kids screamed, fought and yelped. Momma was not happy, Momma was not yet even sweating when the phone rang... A dear friend who I haven't spoken to in ages was telling me about her infertility stuff and the whole process when... the kids decide to have a screaming contest. Right there in front of me. Now normally, I would just leave the room to have an adult conversation on the phone for a few minutes, but, hubby is sick and napping and I didn't want them to wake him up so that he could possibly enjoy the party later.
I hang up the phone and I'm ready to scream and yell and then I remember that I am the adult. Yeah, me. Who would have thought? So I put my dreams of a hot rockin' body and a talk with a friend aside and just played with the kids. And yeah, they behaved.

Merry merry to everyone!!

twinkle twinkle

Making cookies, wrapping presents, and trying to work out daily so that I can eat the yummy treats without severe consequence. Busy days.

Here's a little twinkly serenade for the Grandmothers...

mmm mmm monday

So yesterday I made some really good beer bread, and not from the cute little overpriced mix that you buy at some home parties. So simple and good. A thought too, would be great to jar up and give the mix as gifts for the holidays since all the giftee has to do is add the beer and a Tb of melted butter on top (if desired)

Here's the recipe, which I got out of the fabulous "Joy of Cooking"

Preheat oven to 400 degrees
Grease a 6 cup loaf pan - 8 1/2 X4 1/2 inch pan

Whisk together the following in a large bowl:
1 CUP whole wheat flour
1 CUP all purpose flour
1/2 CUP old fashioned rolled oats
2 TB sugar
2 TEASPOONS baking powder
1/2 TEASPOON baking soda
1/2 TEASPOON salt

ADD:
1 1/2 CUPS of beer

Fold until the dry ingredients are moistened. Scrape into the pan and spread evenly.

I melted 1 TB butter (or spread) and poured on the top.(this was not in the actual recipe in the book)

Bake until toothpick inserted in center comes out clean, 35 -40 minutes.
Let cool in pan for 5-10 minutes, then cool completely on rack.

ENJOY!!!!

up with the times..

So I went out and purchased a webcam, mainly I have two brothers in the US ARMY, one stationed in VA and the other in Germany. I barely just got my Skype account all done and the kids are already having me send emails of them being silly to my various family members. This is going to be fun. Although my 4 year old daughter is convinced that she is the next webshow phenom. A born performer she is, and she swares that everyone wants to see her do, well, whatever. So, perhaps we might add some video here in the near future, ya know, of me, pulling my hair out after a toddler tantrum, or of the tantrum itself. Maybe me, begging for parenting advice, or, some very strong coffee.

Anyway, until tomorrow.