toy hammers and toilets

I took away all the toy hammers. Really I did, quite a while ago. Because what would any normal stocky little 3 year old boy do with them? That's right, bang the walls and tv really really hard with them. Of course. Isn't that what they are for anyway? So, to my surprise as I was doing my own business in the bathroom, the kids playing nicely (so it seemed), I heard this loud, insane banging sound from the wall behind me. "stop JR", I say loud enough to be heard through the wall but not yet a yell. The banging continues, with giggling surrounding it. See, he knew he got me. I couldn't do anything from my current position. "STOP JR", I say louder, ok, I yelled. Really loud. Trying hard to finish what I'm doing, yelling at a child who is laughing at me and banging his hammer even harder now. What's a girl to do?

Hubby is away for a few days and my stress level has been maintained at "elevated". I even woke up this morning, looked in the mirror with a forced smile and said "This is a new day, we are going to have a great day!!" That lasted an entire 45 minutes until the hammer-mom-stuck-on-the-toilet-incident. So what IS a girl to do? Nothing else but a grab a toy hammer and bang away with the rest of the bunch!

allergy season

Allergy season has begun in our NJ household and the same as last year, JR's asthma is the first sign of pollination. Poor kid! Wheezing, coughing and running nose. I tried to take care of it myself but in the end had to run him over to the allergist for fear it would get worse. Albuterol, Singulair, another inhaled steroid, it's just too much. My "mommy guilt" trips me up and I just wonder WHY? why does this sweet little boy have to suffer? did I do something wrong? nutritionally or household? I know, why do I do this to myself, as if I am so powerful to create or inhibit such an illness in a child. Well, I do see it's unnecessary blame attached to myself, but I see all his symptoms and just wonder to myself- what is causing this? I am not content to just accept, in this particular situation, that this is it. I feel frustrated when I try to talk to the doctor about nutritional and supplemental support that I have read about in books and online, and then I am turned down and made to feel that that is nothing that I can do. I, as any parent, want to do more for my child and his health.

The really funny thing is that I am so concerned about his well being, and yet, at the age of almost 3, I still completely treat him like the baby of the family. He still uses his "binky" and blanky AND he's still in diapers. So really what the heck is the guilt all about anyway? Or is it just intuition and knowing when to pick the battle and when not to?

holy missing teeth batman!

The Tooth Fairy has arrived at our house! We cannot believe that at 4 years old she has already lost her first two teeth! I just keeping thinking boys, high school drama, college, cars..... the list goes on. I just want to enjoy my baby now.

The funny thing is, if you were to ask Sarah she will tell you that her brother knocked her 1st tooth out (well, sort of). She was sitting on her bed playing with her loose tooth and JR jumped onto her, all we heard her say was " something happened to my tooth Mommy", then she held it up in the air and said "Boojie knocked it out". That's her story and she 's sticking to it!

The second tooth came out a few nights later.

Hubby and I were laughing when I remembered how the Tooth Fairy brought me a quarter a tooth. Each of Sarah's teeth was worth $2. Which she promptly gave $1 both times to her brother so that he could get a donut with her. So sweet! Certainly makes a momma proud. I KNOW I did not share any of my TF money with any siblings! It is definately moments like that to show you that you are not doing such a bad job as a parent.

time me out

WE got hit with a snow storm last night, which we usually don't end up with, so we are excited. Hubby is out plowing snow since midnight and I had all intentions to get out and start clearing out the driveway so he has someplace to put his truck when he gets home later. Sarah happily began the process of dressing for the cold. JR was playing with her little handheld Leapster game, that's when I pried it out of his hands and realized he had peed through his diaper onto the couch - that's 1. As I stripped him down to change him, then proceeded to clean the couch he threw such a fit and went into an asthma attack - that's 2. He wanted nothing to do with the rescue inhaler so I had to pull out the nebulizer and sit with him for a breathing treatment.

Now the kids are hungry.

I pull out some applesauce, cinnamon toast and their soy milk. When they finish up I need to clean up.

Now I'm hungry and grab an apple and some peanut butter.

At this point they simply prefer to stay in and play Wii. What?? So I jump on Facebook to see who's on, check emails and that sort of thing. I settle in with my green tea ready to mindlessly web around. Wait- what's that? Now they want to go out - that's 3- Momma needs a time out.

lessons learned

We are set to meet up with some old friends of mine tonight. I am so excited, and yet, that "high-school angst" still kicks in. When you totally lose touch with someone, your last memories are of how and who they were then, like 11 years ago are what comes to mind. Same with their thoughts on me I suppose. I was not a very "present" person, very emotional, very ME ME ME. Boys were always drama and I made everyone around me feel it. As I prepare to see my friends, who I truly miss and love deeply I do have to remember that their lives did go on without me. They had ups and downs and who knows what else. I kind of feel like I am meeting up in some ways with new friends.

The weirdest part of it all is that I have become "mom", that is my identity now. Sarah cannot even comprehend that I have friends that she doesn't know, or that don't know me as "Sarah's mom". We make our lives, rewrite our scripts and unfortunately we sometimes leave some people behind. In surrounding ourselves with people we care about we create those villages that it takes to raise our kids. In keeping our friendships, making new ones and reigniting old ones we take the time to broaden our identity from more than "mom" or " wife" or "fitness buff". We open up to all the possibilities of who we are and isn't that what we really want to teach our kids?

breathe

The past few days have felt like an eternal rest in preschooler hell. really. Sarah has had some bad times, topped off with my inability to cope, which I will fully blame on PMS. So last night I put on Dora for the kids after we cleaned up from the dinner that no one really ate anyway, I put out my yoga mat, ready for some me time. Normally I do ashtanga yoga, which for anyone who doesn't know is a set of specific poses done in the same order each time, basically. I, in my hormonal fluctuations and irritability down to my bones just couldn't hack it. I just sort of "winged it" and did whatever poses I thought of. It felt good. The stress eased away from my neck. My back felt normal again. I could think clearly. But the most amazing part of the whole thing was that as I began to feel whole again, as I stretched and breathed and worked it all out, the kids both came up to me and started doing yoga with me. Away from the tv. They didn't even speak, neither of them. Now what would usually happen is I would try to find something else for them to do, you know, don't jump in momma's space. But last night was different. I wonder if they sensed that I was coming back around from the jumpy mind fog I felt all day. Or maybe they truly just wanted to be with momma. Either way, the day ended nice, calm and peaceful. Just what we needed to begin anew today. ( and boy did I need it! )

namaste.

skiing - NOT!

A few years back, before I was a momma, or Hubby's wife even, hubby and I went skiing. Well, he went skiiing. My B-I-L aka- "Tree Man", and Hubby tried desperately to teach me. I put on my boots, complained I couldn't walk. All I kept thinking about was that the ski pants made my ass look HUGE. I put on the skis and ventured onto the ski lift, which I was terrified of as I am afraid of heights. I cannot even step onto a chair without feeling a little queasy. So I get on the ski lift and cry the whole time up the little bunny slope. I fell off at the top. Yeah. Mind you in PA at the time it was like 50 degrees and I think it was more slush than snow on the mountain. Tree Man and Hubby try to teach me. I am stubborn and just yell out "I caaann'ttt do it!", several annoying times. Tree Man gets behind me and really tries his best and in his most patient and fatherly like voice teaches me over and over again. I squat and sit on the ground, I'm not budging, this is stupid, I can't do it. I rip off the skis and walk down the side of the hill. I went for a nice long walk around the resort and then ended up at the bar where I had a great time. The point of the story is that I am stubborn and that you cannot get me to do something that I don't want to do.

Fast forward to 2009, my beautiful Sarah is 4 years old. What does she do when she is told to clean her room or pick up a few things by herself? "I caaannn'ttt do it!!!" is the chorus I hear ringing from her room. "I'm not moving, I'll sit here all day! I don't care!" Forgetting about my own little attitude problem I constantly wonder aloud - where did this child come from? what is her deal? I sit and laugh and see that she is me. She is smart and stubborn. Creative, but wants things done her way. In her own time.

Now I just wonder when I will be able to get Hubby and Tree Man to take her skiing so I can get some time alone at the bar...

just a weird thought

If you just stop and breathe once in a while, you see the humor in your life. Yesterday I went to my Dad's house with the kids to have lunch with him for his birthday. When we left I was so relaxed, it was a good visit - no one ended up in time-out, both kids behaved. As I'm driving home I look lovingly into the backseat and JR is eating snow off his boots (eww!) and Sarah is totally digging for gold up her nose. Normally I would yell out "stoppp that !" "eww!" But I was so calm and all I thought was - don't eat the yellow snow.. Then, and I don't know where this came from, I started to wonder, in all seriousness, if anyone had ever been burned by the heated leather seats in their car. Really. As I felt all warm and cozy in my fam van I really wanted to know if there are any serious burn victims from the luxury of leather seats!

Truth be told, without the weird thoughts and freezing cold weather, it was a very good day.
And, my butt was very warm.

small children & other things that can go wrong

Jr was up at 3:30am. Yes, you read that correctly - 3:30 AM! He insisted that he had to go potty (at 2 1/2 he refuses to use the bathroom for us, but seems to need it in the middle of the night!) Well as I suspected, he had already went in his diaper. I quietly changed him and brought him back to his bed. He was not ready for bed. He was ready for playing and laughing. After about an hour I got him to go back to sleep (thank goodness for that!!)

Fast forward to 7:45am when he had an appointment at the allergist to follow up on meds and asthma. I had the kids pack their bags with some books and toys. I was ready. I went over the rules - no yelling or running around, no touching things that aren't ours, blah blah blah. As I stood there trying to listen to the Dr., the kids running around me & ignoring my pleas for compliance, it was as if my mind was whisked away to a far off land - what did he say? why can't they sit still for 2 freakin' seconds? why? relax, they're kids this little voice said slowly and quietly. So, they're kids, they're not gonna listen? The woman who walked into the waiting room after us sure had a couple of little ones that lined up, they were quiet, read their books, and even talked softly. They didn't yell or jump up. Granted, they weren't smiling either, so in my mind I'm thinking they didn't have such a great morning at their house either.

So what does a stressed out overthinking momma do? She goes on amazon.com and orders up some more parenting books because she is thoroughly convinced that someone out there has the answer, and it will be found.

being home

I found recently that in order to maintain some sense of myself through the day of staying home with two small children, that I need to have goal. Sounds silly right? Well for me I need to feel there is a purpose or my day just feels, well, unlived? I have to remind myself that I am here to raise happy, healthy kids. I am here to guide, not dictate. I hate the anger and yelling. I hate feeling like I am supposed to "control" how they act and what they do. They are kids. I cannot even control myself at times, and I am expecting them to be all "sit down and don't move"?

Really, the problem arises when I compare. Just like comparing our own fat ass to someone else's, comparing kids can be dangerous. Sarah has high energy and reacts much differently than other kids, this does not make her bad, nor does it imply that she needs to be medicated either. I, as her mother, can see her differences and try to focus with hubby on her needs and what works for her. I am fully prepared to home-school her if she has problems in school. I am fully prepared to work with her so we can learn how she thinks and what helps her focus. THAT'S what parents do. Right now I can see that I have been digital scrapbooking a project and blogging, and it seems that the kids are getting restless. Instead of my usual frustration and "why can't I do this.." attitude, I will stop and play with them, because isn't that really why I am home with them ??

How does Angie do it?

Seriously, how do you get the kids to get along, pottytrain, look amazingly beautiful (well, that would be genes..), keep a serene look on your face and gaze lovingly at your significant other, and she has 6 kids?? I have 2 and hubby is really lucky if I smile a little more than usual. I use my power of positivity, my affirmations, and still cannot keep it together sometimes. Is my identity so wrapped up in the "mommy" that I forget about the rest of me? I am serious though, like, do her kids scream and punch each other as she and Brad are walking out the door to a red-carpet thang, or do they wave and smile and hold each other's hands tightly? Is there fighting over who gets to be blue while playing Candyland? Do they watch Wall-E every single day? Is there screaming kids and children who refuse to go to time-out? Does the momma yell? Oh yes, and hubby swears that she must wear very sexy lingerie-pajamas-whatever for Brad! Really? With kids jumping in and out of the bed through the night?

ok, enough about that. I have vented for the day. I certainly am not as beautiful as a movie star, but I'm sure my day is not all that out of the ordinary for a regular ol' momma either.
But really, don't you want to know?

crouching momma, screaming child

How is that the sweetest little baby girl has turned into, um, a monster? Is it a fight for independance? Am I unrealistic with my expectations? I really don't know what to do sometimes. She acts up, I count, if I get to 3 it's time out you go. She will scream and fight her way there, saying she doesn't love me, blah blah blah. I try to remain calm, you know, let her know I'm in charge, she can't ruffle my feathers. Then it happens - my feathers get tousled and turned. I scream, I lose myself. AAAHH! It is in those moments that I feel low. Seriously, if hubby did something disrespectful or talked back in a nasty tone, would I yell and smack his bottom? No, I just think to myself "idiot" and usually try to redirect. Lovingly.

I read something recently in a parenting book, about how we are not responsible FOR our kids, but TO them. In other words we are responsible to teach and guide. It is up to us to teach them to think for themselves and make their decisions for action on their own. Now I know at 4 years old I am still dealing with tantrums and sleep issues( to nap or not to nap, that IS the question!) and just a general nonunderstanding of many things in her world, but, could it be possible that a gentler momma could help her not feel that she needs to fight it out all the time?

I get that I am not their "friend", but their parent. I understand my place, but how to go about it sometimes frustrates me to no end! How come when we go somewhere, like the chiropractors office, and I explain the rule -"respect this place, no running around, no screaming...."- why on this great green earth do they do just that? I was not supposed to be the frazzled, yelling, uptight momma. I was supposed to be the cool, hip( and very cute ) momma who smiles all the time and whose kids actually listened.
Seriously, don't laugh, a woman can dream.

snow day fun this past week

the facebook thang

So I did the facebook thing, and for my dear grandmothers who might not know, it is a website that people post their info- names, schools attended, towns lived in, to network and keep in touch with friends from high school, college, things like that. So weird it is!! Like, do you really want to know what your ex-boyfriend is up to?? I don't. Not that I don't care or anything,wish the very best for them, but, don't really want to "keep in touch". Or, maybe, the old friends that you had a falling out with, or, just let time slip away without keeping in touch? How do you approach that? Do you just skulk around reading their profiles (if they are not privacy locked), not letting them know you are a complete stalker in the making, OR do you just jump right in there? So very high-school-drama isn't it? And then there is my teenage brother, who I'm pretty sure is not on that website, but I don't think he would want me to know about his party-friends-and-other-goings-on. I know that when I was 18 years old I didn't want to share all that with some old-34-year-old-woman!

Until I figure out the proper etiquette for facebook use, I will continue to pretend that I don't silently look out for those old friends and I sware I won't tell the mothers of the teenage nieces and nephews that have befriended me of the beer drinking and partying pics.
For now.....

sleep and other dreams of mommahood

ok, so my kids got up at 4:30am this morning. I am smiling, really I am. I had my coffee, my protein shake and I'm trying to do my online blog reading now so I can enjoy the rest of the day with them. The weather looks a little warmer than it has been, so I am hoping to get them outside and running around.

I just wonder, does anyone else's kids get up so freakin' early? seriously. They go to bed at 8pm. They sleep through the night, although, they sometimes end up in our bed at some point through the night, but they must tiptoe in and slide under the covers, because hubby & I wake up and they are just, well, there. Being the ever-overanalyzing-momma I wonder - what the heck am I doing wrong? Is this normal? I miss my 8 hour of sleep nights, and I did have them even after the kids were born! Is it too much tv during the day? Should I run them like dogs outside even on the coldest days? AAAHHH!!

I know, shut up! Be happy they are healthy and happy (most of the time!) and hubby and I seem to be getting a handle on their tantrums and attitude problems that seem to be arising lately. As for my tantrums and attitude problems, well, I have earned them a little bit, don't ya think???

bread update

so my last I went on and on about our bread making day. Here's some pics. It was a denser bread due to the whole wheat flour, but a few days later I made french toast with it and it was awesome!! (at least, I thought so, and being the momma, that's the opinion that matters, right?)

the kids waiting patiently outside the oven door....

freshly sliced bread....(yeah, momma's a little proud of herself now!)

yummy!!!

snowy day baking fun

Very cold and snowy here today in NJ. Not in the mood to pack the kids up in the car to go work out at the gym, I'll just do it later this afternoon at home. So, as I love love love to bake, I decided to try my hand at bread - cinnamon raisin bread to be exact. I replaced 1/2 the flour with whole wheat so I didn't feel to badly about it, and right now it is on the second rising. After this, on to bake in the oven. It already smells so good! The kids really got into the kneading and rolling into loaves, so they are very excited to see the final result. (pics for the next post!!)

I am *hoping* that with Sarah really enjoying the baking and anticipation of the results of her labor, that soon she will enjoy the other cooking a little more( more so to enjoy more food, especially more nutritious foods! ) She is very difficult with not ever wanting to try something new, nothing with any sort of sauce or topping, and with her dairy allergy, it makes it difficult anyway. Lately, if she refuses to eat dinner, I have just been telling her that she is welcome to eat a banana, which she promptly refuses. So, I figure if she was really that hungry, the banana would be just fine. She's still growing, so I'm thinking missing a few meals here and there wouldn't be so bad for her??

just some notes

Jr has moved to a big boy bed.

My Grandpa (Poppa) is doing better.

Kids are napping.

I will be working out some soon.


Sending love and smiles to all!

small reminders

Smile more
Be thankful
Stop yelling first
Just listen
Enjoy the sound

Kids playing
Hubby time
Stay in touch
Don't overthink

New Year's Wishes

In trying to teach the kids about goals, instead of "resolutions", we made a family list and put it on the fridge, one "wish" or goal for each person. Mine was to work on my scrapbooks more often, Hubby's was to work on his little projects in the garage (he loves to build things). Sarah (4 yrs old) said that she would like to play outside more often, which I think is fantastic!! (her new word for everything now by the way) Jr (2 1/2 yrs old) stated that he would like more cake.

Well, I will just have to comply!!

Happy New Year and Love to all!!