wake up call

4 am. My beautiful, soft little boy, rocking gently in my arms. Go to sleep. I close my eyes and pray that he drifts off. He looks up at me and strokes my cheek. Sweet. He grabs hold of the front of my hair, right at the roots, I wonder to myself how I will look with a bald spot. He pulls, I try not to scream. Please don't wake up little girl. I begin to cough, that tickle in your throat, uncontrolable cough that pains your chest and rattles your entire being. Shit. Please don't wake up little girl, I need my sleep. It's in that moment I realize the problem. The problem of always fighting it.

I hear the rumble of little feet sprinting to my bedroom and I know that when she doesn't find me in bed she knows where to look. I take a deep breath, knowing that the day is set to begin for us now, at 4 am. There is nothing I can do about it. Just go with it. I cough. She runs in and smiles "Momma, thew you aw!". I smile, "Good morning little girl!".

She sings her brother our special "good morning song" and our day begins with a smile.

ouch!

This morning I awoke to a screaming baby and the bagged groceries I left on the counter last night. I couldn't get JR back to sleep, so we turned on Sesame Street, which is on at 5am. (thank you Sprout!) I decided momma needed some coffee and found that in my hurry to put away the "cold stuff" last night, I forgot to put away the ice pops and cheese spread. The cheese is hubby's, and frankly, he would not care if there were cracker crumbs or peanut butter left around the rim of any container, he says it is fine, so I put that in the fridge. The ice pops of course, could not be salvaged.

How could I let this happen? you wonder. I know. Well, when I got home from food shopping with Sarah, I found hubby on the couch in pain. He had moved the treadmill up 2 flights of stairs by himself and either cracked a rib or pulled a muscle. So, me in a worried state as momma's do, rushed to get the groceries out of the car. As I grabbed the last few bags in my left hand, I pulled down the tailgate door of the minivan with my right and... WACK! I slammed the door down on my head. I know you are thinking "no she didn't". I am totally here to tell you "YES, I DID!" In a daze I ran into the house screaming "There's a hole in my head!!", while hubby is laughing at me and rolling aorund in pain. what dorks we are.

So here we are, at our quaint little home. Momma with the hole in her forehead (thankfully I can cover it up with some bangs) and hubby with a broken something-or-other in his gut. I am quite unsure at this moment if we are fit to raise 2 children, well, make that 3 if I get my way.

me first!!

I remember a while back there was an episode on Oprah that really got some conversation going for momma's. There were the momma's who put the kids first, then the house, then the hubby, never getting to themselves. Then there were the momma's who said "I come first, then hubby, then the kids." What an uproar the dowdy little never think of themselves momma's had over this way of thinking. At the time I didn't have any children, or, Sarah was an infant so this really didn't resonate with me.

Now I get it. By putting yourself first, you are not being selfish. You are insuring that you will be the best partner and mother you can be. You are setting a good example for your children, especially your daughters. By putting your relationship with your "significant other" in the forefront you are saying "This is important, this is what makes our family work". It doesn't mean you are having wild sex in the living room while the kids run amuck in a sugar induced daze. ( although...) kidding! Your children are better provided for when the relationship between the parents is free of stress and full of love.

I find myself doing more for me and I am better for it. The past two days I have made it a point to have "mommy time" at the gym while hubby stayed home to entertain the kids. I was able then, to be fully present for my family for the remainder of the day, and felt really good about myself as well. The rest of the week we do go to the gym and the kids enjoy the child care room there, however, they have been sick and frankly, when I am working out and I know they are in the next room, out of my sight, it sort of freaks me out that I am not with them.

now, if I could only figure out a way to get someone else to do the cooking...

can I get your attention please..

It has been a little hard to find the time to browse my favorite blogs lately. The kids don't feel well, don't sleep well, and attach to my legs like little leeches when they are awake. Not that I mind, of course. We all need to feel the love once in a while. It just makes it way difficult for momma to feel her own love, that's all. It also makes it difficult for momma to read a book, color her hair (which I finally got to last night, after having the box of color for 2 weeks), polish toenails, or snuggle with hubby. Any of the things that make me feel human, to say the least.

Sometimes venting makes us feel better, sometimes it just makes us look, well, a bit selfish. At this point, I'll admit selfishness if it means wanting to pee by myself or eat a warm meal with interruption.

Today, even though it is cold and windy, leaves blowing all sorts of directions, we NEED to get outside. I NEED to get outside.

send some love this way........

breaks my little heart

On monday I ended up taking JR to the dr because he was having trouble breathing. Two breathing treatments later and we are on our way to the hospital. (freaking out!!!) A few more breathing treatments, a chest x-ray and we were released with a script for antibiotics (ear infection), some sort of steroid for his lungs, and an order to do more breathing treatments at home (with the nebulizer the dr's office gave us earlier).

Skip to late yesterday afternoon when I notice JR is not walking but crawling and dragging his self around by his arms. I try to get him to step on his feet, but he keeps staying off the left one. (freaking again, I am thinking brain tumor, deadly medication side effect....). Once hubby was home we called the dr who said this was not a side effect to any of the meds he was on and he must of hurt himself, he suggests no er since I was coming to see him for a follow up today anyway. So I called the in-laws who were already on the way over because I called them in a state of panic earlier, to tell them to turn around and head back home. (what did people do before cell phones??)

After the drama and a good cry I remembered he did fall earlier in the day, right before his nap. It never struck me as anything really since the kids are always wrestling and falling and bumping into things. So today the dr sent us for another x-ray, after he checked that his lungs were clear and the ear infection beginning to heal.

We just got the phone call a few minutes ago to say that the x-ray was negative and there was no break or crack or anything (thank goodness!) So, per the dr, JR will probably be limping around for a few days until it starts to feel better.

oh, the drama !

I did notice something interesting about kids when we were waiting at the imaging center to get his x-rays done. Here is a little man, in pain, and yet not one complaint. He simply dragged himself, crawled, or scooted to where he wanted to be, and believe me, he was ALL over that waiting room. It's too bad that some adults cannot follow suit and just deal sometime.

snot today

rock and roll!!

uh, ma could ya move??

enjoying sister's birthday presents...

happy 3rd birthday baby girl!!

My little man is teething. Teething and drooling and snotting. Grossly.

Of course he woke up yesterday morning with the non-stop boogarfest draining from his face, as I was finishing up the final touches for his sister's 3rd birthday party. Lovely. I called our niece who has a newborn to let her know the situation, so she wouldn't think we were dirty and contagious. I called my Mom for some advice, then I counted the hours until I could legally and without guilt open a bottle of merlot.

The bash began with me, the momma-not-in-control, with 2 hours sleep from the night before, lashing out at anyone who dared step in my way, or offer to help (how dare they! Do they doubt that I cannot do it ALL??) Hubby and I took turns wiping down the snotty-drooling savage, who other than not having his afternoon nap, was pretty good.

Sarah enjoyed her party, which, due to a large family for both Hubby and I, we stick to strictly family. So, the only glitch for her was there were no other small children, being that her cousin K was home sick. She loved her cupcakes (which, by the way most Duncan Hines cake mixes and frostings are milk-free, thank you Duncan-Hines!!!)

Now, for today I will skip the gym and hopefully make it there tonight as JR's nose is pretty runny and he keeps coughing on the excess drool he's got goin' on in there. I suppose I am being silly, because I know that not everyone is on lock-down when there kid is teething, but I just feel like the girls that watch the kids there don't need to be on snot-patrol.

howling halloween

what do you meeaan no more candy???




pleeeeze, no more pictures!!

Our Halloween evening began when Hubby came home, pizza in hand, ready for dinner. As I turned around to get the kids to the table, I noticed what looked like mud on the floor and then on Sarah's mouth. Hubby comes home after going over to the high school where he volunteers coaching the football team, so I knew it was either mud or goose poop. Praying it was just mud, I turned to Sarah and asked her what she ate, when she realized it was not chocolate, she immediately started spitting and wiping off her tongue. I once again had to explain to my little girl not to ever eat anything off the ground, especially if it is brown.

After that, the evening went smooth, it's really easy with small kids because you really only have to trick-or-treat to a few neighbors houses and they are happy. As for this morning, both kids woke up wanting to wear their costumes again, probably hoping for some more treats.

how about a 27 hour day??

It truly amazes me how the time flies by and I don't really get anything done. I am trying to be more positive and ala The Secret, try to focus on what I do get done, but reality and the tones of negativity set in and I realize that I forgot the laundry in the washer for 2 days and it stinks and that yes, the bathroom floor does need to be vacuumed up at least twice a week no matter how hard I try to tell myself it doesn't. Ok, my kids ears are clean and they don't stink, so I suppose that is a plus. I already told Hubby that we are going to enjoy hot dogs and potato salad for dinner and he didn't seem to put off. He actually likes having hot dogs, me, not so much.

My goal for the rest of the day is to NOT even attempt to open the huge bags of Halloween candy that I bought at Costco this morning. We get literally 5 trick-or-treaters to our house, being on a small dead-end street (how depressing that sounds, a dead-end street!!) Anyway, I always way too much candy, then we (as in Hubby and I) eat it all, then bitch about it. So, whatever is left is going back to the store.

love thursday

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Marching for Boobs

This past Sunday, my Mom, Sarah and I walked in the local Making Strides Against Breast Cancer walk. It was a beautiful day and when we completed our walk we felt all good and helpful and stuff.

Here, Sarah stands at the edge of the crowd, itching to run right in, and then, a juicy apple afterward.

sell it to me baby

I have been concerned lately about how the commercials on tv seem to affecting my little Sarah. At almost 3 years old she is already saying "Oh Mommy, I need that" or "Let's buy that toy". She even repeats things that some some of the non-toy commercials say. For instance, there is one about debt consolidation, or something like that, and it starts with "Mya is not happy." Sarah walks around telling everyone how sad Mya is, while the person looks at me confused - Who the hell is Mya??

Yesterday, I grabbed the good old Dustbuster to clean up a baking soda spill on the floor, when my sweet little girl looked up at me and said "Mommy, you sure need the Swivel Sweeper !"

I think I seriously need to think about cutting down the tube time. But, I think she is right about the Swivel Sweeper.

happy morning, no sun yet

My darling little Sarah is a morning person. A true, wake up, ready for the day at 5 am kid. Sucks, right? Ok, I have been used to it, and frankly I am a morning person too, but I like to wake up by myself, not being kicked and pushed and screamed at "Mooommmmaaa, gettt UPP!!" So, I decided to play around with the kids bedtimes, since JR had also been getting up way before the sunrise. I moved his bedtime to 8pm (from 7-7:30) and he seems to enjoy sleeping until 6:30, maybe even 7am if I am lucky (and the little terror girl is semi-quiet). My Sarah though, well last night I put her in around 8:45pm (moved from 8pm). Can you even guess what time she woke up this dark and very early morning?

4:30am.

No joke.

Being that everything I read on parenting is about consistency, I will continue the madness of trying to keep her up a little longer at night in hopes of sleeping in myself an extra half hour or so. I really don't mind getting up early myself, but a little coffee and change of clothes to start my day before the madness would be supremely nice.

just nod if you can hear me...

It has been a few days since Sarah began with her cough-stuffy nose thing, and now the baby has it. A few days stuck in the house will do a number on you. I have not been able to get to the gym, since I don't want to get any of the kids in the childcare there sick, and Sarah did not go to ballet class today. I am itching to get out of the house alone. Hubby had been away this past weekend, so it has literally been all momma, all the time. I need a break, I am actually craving a good workout and a pizza ( in that order of course ).

Being that JR is teething and now has a cold, he wants to held - constantly. As in, I am holding him right now, while trying to type one handed, standing, with the laptop at the kitchen counter. Ah yes, and my little morning person Sarah, has been getting up at 4:45am the past few days. So, if I fall asleep now.......

I seem to be complaining, and I'm not (hubby!!) It's just that I really never thought that this would be so hard some of the time. Tantrums, tired (and that's just me). Sometimes, it's nice to know that someone else understands what it is like to be home with the little ones. Sometimes, it's just nice to bitch.

please do not feed the children

I always thought that when I raised my kids, the meals would be the easy part. I mean, I grew up on artificially colored mac & cheese and lots of pb & j sandwiches, we all grew up just fine. Well, Sarah has the milk/dairy allergy which, all in all is not so bad for the rest of us. I try to cook as dairy free as possible, but she knows that pizza night or other cheesy delights are not for her. She's actually a very picky eater and would never really touch the stuff anyways.

Well, now it seems that my little JR is allergic to peanuts. A few months back we had him tested at the allergist, since he had been breaking out in hives pretty often, and no allergies showed up. In other words, I put my baby through this barbaric skin test on his back and he showed no allergic reactions to any of the common offenders - grass, dogs, peanuts, etc. Yesterday he happened to have a little bit of peanut butter and immediately broke out in hives on his face, head and neck. Rubbing and scratching his little self, I felt so bad for him. The allergist did tell us when he was tested that even though he did not show an allergy during the testing, since he was only 14 months or so at the time, he could still develop an allergy. So now, we'll keep him off peanuts and peanut products.

I guess in the end, we can serve the mac and cheese and pb & j, momma will just have to start making some separate food for everybody (hubby, you eat whatever I make, no complaints.)

delusions

delusional momma:

I turned and handed Sarah her dolly. We were all ready to leave the gym and I saw another mommy coming in to the childcare room with her baby in a stroller, probably about 4 months old or so (the baby). I kneeled down, balancing the diaper bag on my right shoulder and picked up JR with the same arm. As I went to stand up I heard "PLLEEAZZE don't touch the baby" (in not so much of a nurturing voice if you were to ask me). I turned to see my 3 yr old playing peek a boo, very close to the baby. Now, I am all for keeping distance and stuff, but what does other mommy really think happens when she leaves the room? That all the other toddlers and babies and small children simply don't go near or touch the child? This must be her first. Does she know what kids put in their mouths or what they will eat if given the chance? Even, I'm sure, her precious little one.

Anyway, I was a bit embarrassed, simply because I'm quite sure this woman thought I was a ding-bat and not paying any attention to my own child. "I'm so sorry" I mumbled (twice I think) and explained to Sarah that you really never touch a baby unless asking the mommy first. "I's just playing Momma" "I know honey" I think I whispered another "sorry" on the way out the door and away we went.


other mommy:

Ok, I really hate when other dirty little kids get too close to baby. Germs are spread so easy this time of year. I've seen this little girl here before. Her little brother drives the employees crazy with his running around and touching everything. I know my baby will behave when she's that age. It's all in the parenting. I mean, she wasn't even paying attention when her little girl came marching over and poking my little one. What goes on in their house, I wonder?

take me, I'm yours

The social mingling aspect of stay-at-home-momdom seems to be more of who I might like than the kids. I mean, if I cannot relate to the other mom, how can it possibly work? What about the mom's I have "fallen for", then get no call back? total mom rejection. I feel like I should put an ad in the paper : Married SAHM of 2 toddlers, looking for someone to take long walks with the stroller, possibly drink a glass of two of wine some afternoons, not feel guilty when bitching about kids, and my own personal cheerleader.

any takers?

On that note, little JR starts a playgroup over at the library today. I thought maybe he should play with some other kids, rather than his sister just beating him up and taking his toys. I guess I'll just let someone else's kid do that. I am also secretly hoping that I look across the room and find another momma who needs a friend.

happy happy, joy joy

3 things that make me smile:

My babies (of course when everyone is behaving) and hubby (especially when he is being cute and not realizing it)

A good sweaty workout

Eric Clapton's song "Layla" (the original version, thank you)

thank you Jenny

I actually got to find some time lately to read a great book. Louder Than Words is written by Jenny McCarthy and is about her journey with her son through the fog of autism. As a mother of young children this has been something that always bothered me, the fact that this is getting worse for our children, the fact that it seems that no one seems to be doing anything about it.

In taking us on her journey, I was reminded of a few things myself. Faith in a higher power, trusting your gut, and finding purpose through what others might find only sorrow. A few days before I began reading the book, I realized how my negative thoughts were sometimes wrecking my day. So, in the mornings I have been making a conscious effort to sit and be thankful for all that is around me. There are some people I know who will think this is kooky, but let them suffer in their own misery. I have found more beauty in my babies and have seen my husband playing and spending more time with them. Is this because he is, or, am I just not focusing on "what he's not doing"? Whatever it is, I find myself being more joyful and smiling alot more through the day and 2-year old tantrums.

big girl

Back in the old days - March/05


A new bed for a big girl - September/07

A big girl bed! A new bed for the little girl. The toddler bed has been looking a little short for my tall toddler, so we brought down the queen mattress and boxspring from the attic. I really would have liked to buy her a new twin size trundle bed, but, this one was free and sitting in the attic doing nothing. So yesterday we went shopping to good ole Target and Sarah picked out some new sheets for her bed. She was so excited about getting a big girl bed, she even made me show her how to make her bed this morning (wonder how long that will last??)

yes, it has been a while...

When I realized that I haven't posted in a while, I also realized that I haven't been doing much in the "me" department lately. Yes I have been working out, but, due to down time and eating way too many snacks, I have gained 4 pounds. My "attitude" has been a little on the negative side and I seem to be finding only the things I do wrong. So then, when feeling badly, I end up on the couch with a box of whatever snack is available.

So now that my "break" is over, I need to see things again in the "right" light. Off for a good nights sleep to enjoy some more adventures ( and no more cookies! ) for tomorrow.