breathe

The past few days have felt like an eternal rest in preschooler hell. really. Sarah has had some bad times, topped off with my inability to cope, which I will fully blame on PMS. So last night I put on Dora for the kids after we cleaned up from the dinner that no one really ate anyway, I put out my yoga mat, ready for some me time. Normally I do ashtanga yoga, which for anyone who doesn't know is a set of specific poses done in the same order each time, basically. I, in my hormonal fluctuations and irritability down to my bones just couldn't hack it. I just sort of "winged it" and did whatever poses I thought of. It felt good. The stress eased away from my neck. My back felt normal again. I could think clearly. But the most amazing part of the whole thing was that as I began to feel whole again, as I stretched and breathed and worked it all out, the kids both came up to me and started doing yoga with me. Away from the tv. They didn't even speak, neither of them. Now what would usually happen is I would try to find something else for them to do, you know, don't jump in momma's space. But last night was different. I wonder if they sensed that I was coming back around from the jumpy mind fog I felt all day. Or maybe they truly just wanted to be with momma. Either way, the day ended nice, calm and peaceful. Just what we needed to begin anew today. ( and boy did I need it! )

namaste.

skiing - NOT!

A few years back, before I was a momma, or Hubby's wife even, hubby and I went skiing. Well, he went skiiing. My B-I-L aka- "Tree Man", and Hubby tried desperately to teach me. I put on my boots, complained I couldn't walk. All I kept thinking about was that the ski pants made my ass look HUGE. I put on the skis and ventured onto the ski lift, which I was terrified of as I am afraid of heights. I cannot even step onto a chair without feeling a little queasy. So I get on the ski lift and cry the whole time up the little bunny slope. I fell off at the top. Yeah. Mind you in PA at the time it was like 50 degrees and I think it was more slush than snow on the mountain. Tree Man and Hubby try to teach me. I am stubborn and just yell out "I caaann'ttt do it!", several annoying times. Tree Man gets behind me and really tries his best and in his most patient and fatherly like voice teaches me over and over again. I squat and sit on the ground, I'm not budging, this is stupid, I can't do it. I rip off the skis and walk down the side of the hill. I went for a nice long walk around the resort and then ended up at the bar where I had a great time. The point of the story is that I am stubborn and that you cannot get me to do something that I don't want to do.

Fast forward to 2009, my beautiful Sarah is 4 years old. What does she do when she is told to clean her room or pick up a few things by herself? "I caaannn'ttt do it!!!" is the chorus I hear ringing from her room. "I'm not moving, I'll sit here all day! I don't care!" Forgetting about my own little attitude problem I constantly wonder aloud - where did this child come from? what is her deal? I sit and laugh and see that she is me. She is smart and stubborn. Creative, but wants things done her way. In her own time.

Now I just wonder when I will be able to get Hubby and Tree Man to take her skiing so I can get some time alone at the bar...

just a weird thought

If you just stop and breathe once in a while, you see the humor in your life. Yesterday I went to my Dad's house with the kids to have lunch with him for his birthday. When we left I was so relaxed, it was a good visit - no one ended up in time-out, both kids behaved. As I'm driving home I look lovingly into the backseat and JR is eating snow off his boots (eww!) and Sarah is totally digging for gold up her nose. Normally I would yell out "stoppp that !" "eww!" But I was so calm and all I thought was - don't eat the yellow snow.. Then, and I don't know where this came from, I started to wonder, in all seriousness, if anyone had ever been burned by the heated leather seats in their car. Really. As I felt all warm and cozy in my fam van I really wanted to know if there are any serious burn victims from the luxury of leather seats!

Truth be told, without the weird thoughts and freezing cold weather, it was a very good day.
And, my butt was very warm.

small children & other things that can go wrong

Jr was up at 3:30am. Yes, you read that correctly - 3:30 AM! He insisted that he had to go potty (at 2 1/2 he refuses to use the bathroom for us, but seems to need it in the middle of the night!) Well as I suspected, he had already went in his diaper. I quietly changed him and brought him back to his bed. He was not ready for bed. He was ready for playing and laughing. After about an hour I got him to go back to sleep (thank goodness for that!!)

Fast forward to 7:45am when he had an appointment at the allergist to follow up on meds and asthma. I had the kids pack their bags with some books and toys. I was ready. I went over the rules - no yelling or running around, no touching things that aren't ours, blah blah blah. As I stood there trying to listen to the Dr., the kids running around me & ignoring my pleas for compliance, it was as if my mind was whisked away to a far off land - what did he say? why can't they sit still for 2 freakin' seconds? why? relax, they're kids this little voice said slowly and quietly. So, they're kids, they're not gonna listen? The woman who walked into the waiting room after us sure had a couple of little ones that lined up, they were quiet, read their books, and even talked softly. They didn't yell or jump up. Granted, they weren't smiling either, so in my mind I'm thinking they didn't have such a great morning at their house either.

So what does a stressed out overthinking momma do? She goes on amazon.com and orders up some more parenting books because she is thoroughly convinced that someone out there has the answer, and it will be found.

being home

I found recently that in order to maintain some sense of myself through the day of staying home with two small children, that I need to have goal. Sounds silly right? Well for me I need to feel there is a purpose or my day just feels, well, unlived? I have to remind myself that I am here to raise happy, healthy kids. I am here to guide, not dictate. I hate the anger and yelling. I hate feeling like I am supposed to "control" how they act and what they do. They are kids. I cannot even control myself at times, and I am expecting them to be all "sit down and don't move"?

Really, the problem arises when I compare. Just like comparing our own fat ass to someone else's, comparing kids can be dangerous. Sarah has high energy and reacts much differently than other kids, this does not make her bad, nor does it imply that she needs to be medicated either. I, as her mother, can see her differences and try to focus with hubby on her needs and what works for her. I am fully prepared to home-school her if she has problems in school. I am fully prepared to work with her so we can learn how she thinks and what helps her focus. THAT'S what parents do. Right now I can see that I have been digital scrapbooking a project and blogging, and it seems that the kids are getting restless. Instead of my usual frustration and "why can't I do this.." attitude, I will stop and play with them, because isn't that really why I am home with them ??