Finding Passion

Lately my thoughts during the day seem to wander into the "what is my passion" sort of thing. Two babies, busy all day. I find myself really concentrating on what I will enjoy doing once I do start to work again. I have always been passionate about health, nutrition, and yes, even exercise, although I cannot seem to find the time or energy lately. ( I am told that this is normal....?) So, I have decided to get certified through ACE as a personal trainer. I would really love to work with (no surprise here) Moms, and older adults. I think that people need to understand that fitness should be like, well, like brushing your teeth. So many of us are not taught that. It is looked as something we have to do, and I am not one for doing what I have to do (just what I would like, or what is good for me). I also think that people need to know it's something that can be done right at home, or with friends or family. You don't have to go to a gym (unless the kids are driving you nuts and you must leave the house immediately!!!!) I think that this would help me find that need to feel "useful" in this world.

Getting back

ah the craziness of losing your computer - At times it is my link to the outside world. How strange that losing such a simple thing for a few days can be so anxiety causing. I had to reinstall everything to get my little world back to normal. Now to catch up with the laundry and everything else that is begging for attention....

On to everyday things - Sarah is doing great with the potty! IN fact, so great that the only accident she has had was at a friend's party the other day and she went into the bathroom by herself, but couldn't get her little tights off quick enough! I felt so badly because she has been doing so well with it. My little man is so good, especially since I have had to stop midstream nursing to make sure his big sister is ok on the toilet by herself!! He is such a great little go-with-the-flow type of guy!!

I am so excited there are some more new babies to come into our lives!! My friend Jen is pregnant with twins (due in August) and our niece Jodi is also pregnant (due around the same time I think??!) I am thrilled when people are pregnant and the excitement of a new baby!! (most especially when it is not I who has to push it out!)

I am trying to process some of the many news blurbs I have seen or heard this week, so I will write again later today. Like the four sets of parents who are suing Myspace.com and its owner News Corp. due to their children being assaulted by adults that they have met online. I need to do some more research on this particular suit, but, aren't parents also responsible for their children? Perhaps, as I feel, children should not have computers in their rooms or be allowed to be online at certain times or unsupervised, or, as parents we should learn better ways of communicating with our children. Perhaps we should teach our children that you should not publish "private" info such as your personal home address and such online. Or maybe, we could try harder to provide a better home and circle of friends for our kids so that they won't feel the need to look elsewhere for it?? (so someone who has to research it, I certainly have an opinion, huh??) Or all the media hype that a couple like Brad and Angelina get?? I get that they are movie stars and I think that what they do for people in need is wonderful! But I just fear for them that once something they do looks "less than the perfect" the media will attact them negatively. Why do we put people on such a high pedestal, when they are, well, human??

sorry, just trying to clear my head for some better thoughts later......

Crash and Learn

My hard drive has completely been wiped out and I am not a happy momma. Anyone I know and love, please email me with your email address so I can add it back to my address book. I am having trouble adding back programs I use frequently since I cannot find serial #s and all that good stuff. I am so aggravated!
But, in the whole process I am realizing that 1) I must back up my photos weekly (at least I didn't lose them ALL) 2) I must print out receipts, not keep them in the computer and 3) that really I have my health, isn't that all that really matters???

AAAAAHHHHH!!!!

Roar-to be a woman. Most of the time great. Now however, I think that having a penis would make things a little easier sometimes. I have a doctor appointment tomorrow for some bloodwork and a general "physical" to see what's going on. I just haven't felt well in a while. (gee, I wonder if chasing after 2 kids could have anything to do with it??) I just finished a round of antibiotics due to a urinary tract infection. I have an estrogen problem and I feel as if I have a 88 year old crotch.(I am a 32 yr old woman with the oldest crotch on the East Coast!!) So I use the estrogen cream, which will probably cause cancer and unknown at this time illnesses, and I use the antibiotics which have apparantly caused me to have sore nipples, which I believe now to be thrush. JR has not been nursing properly for the past two days, he makes these weird clicking noises in his mouth. I thought this was due to the little booger teething (8 months old with 8 teeth already), but I will try again to pry his little jaw open tomorrow to see if I see anything oddly resembling cottage cheese (that's what the book says.)
So for the rest of my wonderful evening, I will rinse my nipples with a vinegar-&-water and hope that maybe someday soon I will be pregnant again because frankly, that was the time of my life where I felt my absolute best.

Better Best Bestest

I listened today and found that the universe is most definately trying to send me a message. The other day while flipping channels, hubby and I came across an awards show where Will Smith was being honored for something or an another. Anyway, he spoke about how he had decided when he was 15 yrs old, after a girl had broken up with him, he would do everything 100% and never be "not good enough" again. He made a decision to be all he could be and to be the best he could be. Fast forward to this morning on The View, rapper-author-actor-hotty LL Cool J was on in regards to his new fitness book. He also spoke about a pivotal point in his life where he decided that he would not accept less than the best from himself. He would be the best "him" that he could be.

Both men stuck in my mind ( not because they are both good looking), but because they had something to say that resonated with me at a deeper level. So this afternoon, while Sarah was napping and I was making lunch for JR, I played the episode of Oprah that I had recorded from yesterday. Bob Greene was on speaking about his new book The Best Life Diet. I was instantly intrigued, not because it seemed to be a "new" diet plan or something else to change my life, but it was simply the word - best.

I'm not quite sure that I have ever put that much effort into anything. Things have always seemed to come pretty easily to me. I have settled for less than the best about myself in my "laziness" I suppose. I got lucky with a great hubby. I got lucky with two easy going babies. I got lucky with cool inlaws. But what about my own personal goals? To be the "best" mother I can be? To be the "best" me I can be?? I tend to procrastinate, make excuses and try to find the easy way to do things. I do not challenge myself, nor do I expect more than average things to happen for me. Perhaps in making that decision, that leap for always striving for bigger and better I can teach my children all that is possible.

The Potty Training: Mission Not-Impossible I

Toilet training is not so bad. It's been since Tuesday and she is already going into the bathroom and doing the deed by herself most of the time. Some of the day I still must take her in there and have her sit, but it was an accident free day today. hooray for Sarah!!! My little champ!

Now, I just have to actually leave the house and see how she does.... I'm really not looking forward to that since she pretty much just goes into the bathroom at the last possible second.
Ok, kiddo, just hold it!! yeah, ok mom...

This is truly one of those things that BK (before kids) I would have never understood, but now, I along with seasoned mothers everywhere now know the pain and breathless running around that goes with potty training. (and I get to do it again in like 18 months or so!!!)

Training Days

I am breaking a sweat.
This is like training for a marathon.
My arms tire from carrying my spirited young toddler back and forth.
My patience has grown to a thinness that I never knew could be possible.
I am very grateful to have hard wood floors.
I am extremely grateful that my little 8 month old, although he is trying, is not able to walk yet.
It is wonderful for my emotional state that my children are both in bed by 7pm.

I am a potty training momma.

I don't really know what I was thinking before I began this. I thought you bring a child to potty and they take to it right away. Well, sorta. That is if you set a timer every 45 minutes to take them there yourself. I have really been blessed with such a great child that this is just overwhelming to me. Everything has been easy up to this point. Oh yes, then there are the times where I call to her "potty time" and she runs away screaming "NNNOOOO" and as I reach for her she pounds me with a little fist that I can only hope will make money off of boxing someday.


We are doing the underpants, no diaper or training pants thing and it does seem to be going as well as I am guessing it should. She wakes up dry from naps and nighttime so I should not complain about the neverending running around during the day. Besides it is exercise, right??

Sunny Day

Yesterday was a truly beautiful day here in NJ. The sun was shining, not a cloud in the sky and we really only needed a light sweatshirt. It's January and I have a fly in my house that apparently is not aware of the season. It's winter and I don't even know if my cheap self should shell out the cash (even at Wal-Mart) for a pair of snow boots for my little cutie girl since it certainly doesn't look like we will need them anytime soon.



That leads me to Wal-Mart. I have not been to Wal-Mart in a while since Target is closer to my home and it seemed to have all I have needed lately. Well, they have remodeled our Wal-Mart, and although I was annoyed at first because I could not find anything,(because frankly, the world revolves around me and I happen to act like a two year old when things don't go my way) I really like it now. I actually went in and purchased baby food, underwear and spray paint all in one store! Gotta love it!



so here's to playing in the sun during the winter and finding all you need under one roof!!

3 am Beauty

3 am. Baby cries. Momma runs to the rescue. A quick change, quiet night. He squirms toward me to nurse. We sit together and rock softly. The moonlight shines on his face. His little hand reaches up to feel my face and make sure that I am smiling. I am so tired, so peaceful. I stroke his hair and realize this is that moment I want to remember forever. When he plays his first football game, when he graduates high school, goes to college, when he marries his love. I sit and just be here in that moment. This is where I feel my strongest, my most beautiful. This is where I gather my strength to do it again tomorrow.

Toddler eat not

I never in my wildest dreams would have guessed that my toddler's eating habits would cause me so much frustration and stress. She hardly eats anything except fruit and Cheerios. She contantly is pulling at her ears and scratching her throat which leads me to believe she has some sort of food allergy. Oh yes, she also vomits out of the blue, and then wants to eat because she is "so hungy". One of the pediatricians at the practice actually said this is normal. Not for me it's not.
I thought it was a dairy thing, but this evening it happened and there was not dairy to be found in anything she had eaten. The net has way too much information for a neurotic such as myself. I just got a book in the mail I had ordered about kids and allergies, so I thought I would check it out before subjecting her to scratch tests at our allergist.

I know that out of much of what I have read on this that it is completely normal for a toddler to go through different food phases, but if not for the puking-ear pulling-itchy throat I might not worry so much about the whole thing. I suppose it all goes back to following your instincts and mine scream at me to check this out.

wow. I really hope she isn't allergic to chocolate or anything good like that. That would really suck. (for her...)

New Year's Thoughts

I cannot say that I have any New Year's Resolutions. I think that in general I hope to be a better person, more compassionate and thoughtful. I am in the process of learning to listen a little more to that little voice of reason and intelligence in my head. That little voice is never wrong and I tend to just ignore it most of the time. For lack of any other excuse, just laziness and self doubt I suppose. That little voice is who I guess I really am. So, with that little tidbit of insight, I wish you all a Happy New Year and hope for you to listen a little more to that tiny whisper of your soul. ( now as for the voice that screams for you to get up off the couch and eat an entire bag of chips, I'm not so sure what to do about that yet.)

Mommy delusions

I called my mommy up tonight on the verge of tears because basically, I am the mother of a two year old. A two year old girl who really believes she is about thirteen years old. I don't get it. We don't spank her, yet she hits me. I cannot get her to eat anything anymore except apples and cereal. The only way I can get her to brush her teeth is if I do it for her while singing her a song. I don't like the way this anger feels. I didn't expect this when I signed on to be a mommy. Isn't there supposed to be joy and laughter and love all the time? By her bedtime I am so frazzled I wonder if she senses it? My saving grace this week has been that hubby has been home on vacation (well, pretty much working more from home, but here). I feel like I just cannot give her what she needs sometimes. She really has alot of energy (as do all two year olds) and I sometimes wonder if I am doing right by her (giving her enough attention, stimulation). Does she feel less loved since her little brother arrived into this world?

I think I just need some sleep.

Peace out.

Hopes for the near and dear future

Ah, Christmas has come and gone and the New Year is closing in fast. My hopes for the upcoming days are these:

That the crazy bitches in the mall and/or supermarket parking lots will no longer almost run me and my kiddies down because they are obviously not capable of driving and talking on the phone at the same time.

That I will get back on track with working out.

That I will stop yelling at my little 2 year old so much and use my "inside voice" more often.

That I will stop taking everything so damn personally and just understand that when hubby says "This could use some more gravy" he is not saying "This food sucks, why can't you cook like my mother, I cannot eat this, the house is a mess, the car smells, why can't you do anything right?" He is really just saying "This could use some more gravy".

Costco for the holidays

Today I had the absentminded idea of "running" into Costco with the kids. It was 10:30am so I figured it would not be so bad. Apparently they must of opened early because it was quite difficult to find a parking spot. As I proceeded to bundle my little joyous duo into the cart I felt a twinge of "maybe this is not a good idea", but chose to ignore it. Into the store we went because I really wanted to get my little girl the cute little set I had seen a week earlier with a play ironing board, broom, dustpan, etc. (No, I am not the strong willed feminist career minded woman, I am the SAHM who happens to love being home and being supported by and with my hubby). Anyhoo they didn't have what I needed (yes Mom I know, I should have let you pick it up for me the other day), my ginormous cart had a broken wheel that steered only to the right, and they had not tissue paper left (not toilet tissue, but gift bag-box tissue paper). So here I am with a box of baby wipes ready to go.

I did stop and look at the pillows and two really nice women told me how they loved the memory foam-contoured pillows that I was looking at. Ya see, hubby and I have both been waking up with terrible neck pain and certainly not feeling refreshed from an evenings snooze so I thought maybe new pillows is what we needed. A new mattress is most definately not in the budget right now. So with two raving reviews I picked up my pillows and headed for the register.

Here I am 10:15pm, ready for a good nights sleep on what feels to me like the world's hardest pillow and I suppose I will stuff my gift bags and boxes with Kirkland brand babywipes. (they are hypoallergenic)

December Days

Christmas shopping, baking treats, (and throwing some out that I messed up), cleaning house, taking care of babes, make dinner, laundry, cleaning up kitchen (I must do this at least 8 times a day!), wrap gifts, phone calls, mail out of town gifts, send cards, remember December birthdays, exercise, try to eat right, scrapbook, read, walk, shower, shave legs (once in a while), I need a haircut, write, dream, spend 5 minutes with hubby, talk to my Mom, visit Pop who just had a triple bypass (very successful and recovering super well), nap, learn to sew, finish gifts that I am making, iron clothes, try to not judge other peoples marriages-or spending habits-or anything thing else that will add clutter to my brain and negative thoughts in my soul.

The list goes on and on and this is just me, a simple stay at home mom.

I give great credit to all of you Moms that work-how do you do it all???

Challenge

When I moved into the house years ago and lived in loving sin with my now hubby, I, of course, took over the damn place with a woman's touch. Some flowers here, some books there. Knicknacks and little statue things that hubby just will never understand. But he was very firm about one thing, the picture in the living room. This photo which belongs on an office wall. It has annoyed me since day one, but pretty much everything else is "my design" (except for the extremely large television set) and the photo. It's colors, not so bad, I am into green. It blends. However, it just makes me feel as if it should be stretched out on a wall behind an executive desk. No, it hangs over our pack n' play. It is manly and not my "thang".

Now, today, as I glanced around the room, wondering what I could do to dress it up a bit, I realized why I do not like this picture. Challenge. That's what it says. Challenge. Something I have never really done for myself. My goals are always meak and easily attainable. This is why the fabric still lays on the couch downstairs where I should be making some curtains for my bedroom. The truth is, I cannot sew. Not really. I know this will be a difficult task because frankly, I will make mistakes and have to tear out seams and be frustrated. So, I choose to avoid it. I don't want to deal with the anger, impatience and utterly stupid and failing feeling that will consume me. I am not up for the Challenge. I always stick to what I know. Digital pics, scrapbooking, baking. I know these things. It's time to start adding to my list. I am bored. I actually see potential for more design in the house and need to learn to sew because a stay at home momma simply doesn't have the big old wallet to finance all the pretty things I want. The Challenge is here. I could simply use the holidays for an excuse. Or the lack of time with my new found fitness regimen. I don't feel well, my head aches, the babes need me. I can always find an excuse. Or I can step up to the Challenge.

Some funny little words heard 'round the house this week :


"Oh Momma, dis awinge is feet and juicy" (This orange is sweet and juicy)

"Momma wack Ant Katy's eye bwow" (Momma wax Aunt Katy's eyebrows)

"Kurt has a fat peeta, Sarah has a nuny" (Kurt has a penis, Sarah has a nuny)

"Santa bwing Sarah a pink otar" (Santa is gonna bring Sarah a pink guitar)
-which by the way, she feels the entire family must have one, Momma will get a "bwown" one, Daddy a "bllack" and JR, he gets a "puwpool". I suppose we shall travel and sing and be merry with our "otars".

"Momma, want more "hot bunz" ceweal" (Momma I would like some more of your Special K cereal, oh yeah, please, by the way)

and my personal favorite:

" I wuv u Mommy!"- no translation needed....

Once again I wandered the isles at the craft store and could just spend such happy times there. The ideas are flowing and I think everyone on my holiday shopping list is going to get a homemade project with......my kids photos on them!! (totally kidding!) No, seriously though, between scrapbooking and other little thingys going on my head I am most definately motivated to get some work done!

I still have a few more things to get, mostly giftcards now. I would really like to be finished by this weekend so I can wrap and bake and not have any "gift shopping" on my mind.



Future Artist:

Future Football Star:

Wanting to be "fair"

I really enjoy the Christmas Season. I LOVE the shopping and taking the time to find the perfect gift. My problem always come with the monetary amount. Most of the time, like with nieces and nephews, I have a $30 limit per person. But let's say I find the perfect sweater for Niece #1 and it's on sale for $20. I then feel as if I have to spend another $10 on Niece #1 to be fair. Or with gift cards. Sometimes they come in an amount such as $25 and $50. Nothing in between. I always just want to be fair. Why can't I just buy the sweater on sale and be happy I saved money and she gets a cute sweater??? Maybe because I am the oldest child of 6. I don't know. I feel like I am being "cheap" if I stick with the less expensive gift.

Anyone else feel this way?

Searching For Traditions

With all the holiday buzz about town, I am coming to see how I as the Mama must "create" the traditions for our new little family. I see people running wild in the toy store, upset because the "it" toy is out of stock. What's the big deal about this toy? I asked myself. Basically, between television commercials and companies not sending enough product to the retailers, the "it" toy is created. We, the public, are told what is cool, what to buy, what our children want. I'm sorry, my children are 2yrs and 7 months, what do they know? They know what I teach them.

What I would like to teach them is how there is more to giving than receiving. That there are people out there that don't have half of the things we have. That the "spirit" of the season can be carried around all year long. But how? How do I do this? What can I do to impart this on our holiday? Don't get me wrong. I am really enjoying the shopping and looking forward to my little cuties faces on Christmas morning, but how do I make it to be more to them than "what I want, what I get?"

Any ideas??