in the moment

I was vacuuming the kids' rooms this morning and I heard it - silence. So I ran out into the kitchen to see what was wrong. No screaming, no fighting, what could be going on? I looked down to see my little ones rolling around the floor with the contents of an entire box of tissues! They looked up as if to say "uh oh" then instead of my usual rant, I jumped down on the floor with them and threw some fluffy white Kleenex up in the air to enjoy for myself. We had some fun, and wouldn't you know it, when it was time to clean it up, they were all for helping!

I tell you, this Buddist stuff I have been reading is really doing me some good!!!!! It is much nicer to live in and enjoy the moment than to react to every little thing.

So this morning we got up and dressed. How exciting, an outing! Packed the kids in the car and went over to....Costco. Yeah, that was what I was excited about. Our Costco moved to bigger and better location and I was so happy to go check it out (besides I needed milk and eggs). So as I entered the parking lot I was, well, overwhelmed, the entire parking lot was full, you know, Christmas shopping at the mall full? It seems that the store opened early and had muffins and other breakfast items for the customers to eat, so every person in our county seemed to have converged on our Costco. I tried to navigate my way through the store with 2 screaming kids, a super large shopping cart and I could not find the eggs. Oh, and you know those ladies that give out the samples? They were everywhere! Problem with that is my kids are dairy and nut allergic, so, we can't really eat any of it! My wonderful trip to store ended with a man waiting for me to move out of my parking spot, while I packed up the groceries, strapped the kids into their seats, then had to return the shopping cart.

When we returned home I gave the kids some snacks and go them ready for the pool, bathing suits, suncreen, no wait, JR wouldn't put his bathing suit on, so he started to cry, and Sarah started to cry and I really wanted to cry, so everyone took a nap. Well, the kids took a nap, me, I'm checking email talking to you.

puzzling

I have found that I needed recently to learn how to think and act more positively. Why you ask?In such a crappy (at times) world do I need to be a smilig goon with only good things to say? Two reasons - Sarah and JR. Those little ones hear and see everything you do. Even the things you don't say, they get it. The other day while doing a puzzle Sarah got so frustated and screamed "I CAAANNNT DOIT!!" I said "Yes, you can, say I CAN DO ITTT!!" and she did. We laughed and talked about how much better it feels to smile and say something good. And you know what? She did it. Again, and again and again. We definately need some more puzzles around here.

corny girl

It's summer in Jersey and you guessed it - corn all around! Sarah requests it every chance she gets, although I think she enjoys the mess of shucking (is that right??) rather than eating it. But, as long as it's cheap and a natural food, how can I refuse her?

thank god their napping!!!

My darling little loveable cuties amaze me each and every day. Oh yeah, and at night sometimes, too. Last night (actually 2:30am this morning) they both awoke FULL FORCE ready for the day. There was no lay down, relax, go back to bed. So I let my frustrations go with a deep breath and took then in the living room to watch TV at 3:30am. Thank goodness for 24 hour cable channels such as Sprout and Noggin!!! By 4:15am I was making whole wheat blueberry muffins, and by 5am had overindulged in a pot of coffee.

I'm not sure what it was that caused this, my only thought is that I kept them inside yesterday since both were coughing pretty badly and with no running playtime I think their little bodies missed the exercise they needed. Or, they are just strange little people with odd sleeping habits. Either way, as usual we muddle through the day the very best we can, being grateful since I know there are much worse things than a little lack of sleep.

color me happy

As a stay at home mom, I find you (or maybe just I) get so trapped in the childcare, the house, the wonderful hubby, all the "housy" things there are to do that you forget sometimes what makes you, well, YOU. When the kids go in for a nap and I finally get a moment to myself, I usually end up eating. No, not lunch, but a box of Cheez-Its or a pound of pretzels. After much consideration I have come to the realization that 1)it relaxs me and 2)I need to find my "happy" again.

So, I sit down and try to figure out what makes me swoon.....a yummy toasted everything bagel with cream cheese? Well yeah, but not food wise. What makes me smile? I like to be creative. So, I try to scrapbook more. I like to play around with the digital pics of the kids, so I find some playtime just for me. I get the kids to paint, color, whatever. I find I love to pick up the brush and just go. So, for now, we shall buy more washable paint in lieu of Cheez-Its and perhaps, I will even take a painting class or something. Ya know, there is a wall in my living room that needs a painting, I just haven't found the perfect one yet........

fireworks?

JR has taken to having more tantrums. You know, the one's where your out at the bagel shop, and as you leave, bagels in hand to head home for breakfast, he wants one NOW!!!!!! So, he throws his little 33 lb body onto the floor, crying, snots flying, demanding NOW!!!!! Now, of course the easy thing would be to give in and just give him the bagel, but please, I am so afraid of the future of our world now, with spoiled kids and the general feeling of entitlement that surrounds us that I just cannot bring myself to give in. So, I drag him out of the store, smile politely at the woman staring in horror at me and my child as she held open the door (Thanks, by the way!!) We get to the car, oh, have you ever wrestled a child to get him safely secured into a carseat while he screams and cries and wriggles around? That would be my workout for today.

All the while, I work up an appetite of my own and then remember - I forget to get a bagel for myself.

Happy 4th!

dance little one, dance

This past Saturday was little Sarah's dance recital, and what a crazy day! It was hot and she was not too happy wearing that "itchy, itchy dwess", but after piling on some body lotion and baby powder she was a little more comfortable. I dropped her off at the stage door of the theatre, and as she walked through the doors with her teacher my tears started to flow. Sarah, however, did not seem to mind at all that she wasn't going to see Mommy for a while, she was excited for the "big show".

Now, out of 42 dances, her class was #35, so we had quite a while to go. At intermission, hubby had to leave with my dear Mother-In-Law as we had received a call that family members were involved in a motorcycle accident. They headed up to the hospital where one of the nieces was helicoptered to, but then another family member took her up so hubby could see his little girl dance. It was quite upsetting, I'm sitting there in the theatre, crying because of the accident, crying because I don't know how everyone really is, crying because music and theaters seem to make me cry, crying cause hubby is missing it... Then he shows back up, in time to see his little darling. I have to admit, she tried, but actually got distracted by some of the girls who didn't dance.

At finale time I'm all excited, looking for her to do her part dancing up the isles and she is no where to be found. Then I realize, that one of the older dancers is holding a sleeping wee little one - my sleeping wee little one! She woke up in a daze to clap her hands and shake her booty for a second then threw up her arms to be held again.

After fetching my beloved little ballerina, we went home, finding out that everyone involved in the accident was going to be ok and the day ended very well for the little dancer and her family.

time in a bottle?

My life is not difficult. I know I am blessed with many loved ones and good health. Yes, my 3 year old can be trying sometimes, but, certainly not out of the ordinary in that department. So why is it hard for me to find enough time? Time to read the blogs that I enjoy. Time to blog about my silly life. Time to call my grandmothers and visit with friends.

At day's end I look around and pick up toys, again. I smile and count the minutes until the kids go to bed and I can do for me. What do I do? I collapse on the couch. Sometimes a book in hand, usually a parenting or cookbook to be perfectly honest.

I guess I want to know, does anyone have enough time to do all they want or need to do in a day? Or, should I just be happy when the kids do go to bed on time, the kitchen is half-cleaned, and I am able to sit on a couch that is not covered in toys?

momma's day

HAPPY MOTHERS' DAY



To all the wonderful mothers in my life, those who inspire me daily, have the greatest day and remember that you make a difference!!!







Stop and smell the flowers today.......

worry me

Yes, I am still breathing. I'm not just talking the involuntary muscle contractions that our oh-so-smart bodies do each moment bringing life to ourselves. No, I'm talking the stop-&-breathe-before-you-say (or do)-something-foolish sort of breath. The one where I stop dead in my tracks and my beautiful 3 yr old says "ok Mom, 1,2,3...." A better habit to teach her I suppose than slamming doors or screaming those good ole cuss words I love so much.

So we are breathing and yet still stressing about how the heck to handle parenting a smart a*s like mine. 3 years old and going on 14. Talks back, says no. All the things I really didn't think I would need to deal with for a while. By then, I was sure, I would have a nice little drinking regimen that I could turn to when the going got tough. No. No gin & tonics for me, just ice water thank you. A nice cold beer would be wonderful, except I would feel too bloated to breath deeply when needed. So, I read the Supernanny and the rest of the experts, and just like weight loss, it's not that I don't know what to do, it's just those nasty little habits we settle into. Like being too tired to deal with it, or worrying more about how this reflects on me than about what lesson my child might be learning.

Yes indeed, I worry, a worry-a-holic I guess would be the correct diagnosis. If there is nothing to worry about, I can create it. Maybe, after a breath and a drink I will see that we all really suck at parenting and there really are no experts - in fact, I do not think that all the "experts" have children of their own, do they???

We go by our guts, make mistakes, and move the heck on with worrying about something else.

just the facts, maam

I forget alot of things. I forget to go to the bank for hubby. I forget to call and make doctor appointments. But the most important thing I forget to do at times is breathe. Yeah, I know, it should be an automatic. Not for me. Sometimes my reactive self takes over and I start stressing and yelling, and I have noticed that at those times my brain oxygen level is way too low.

I stress about my kids, their behavior (hello, Sarah is 3 1/2 and my expectations, it seems, are way too high). I stress about my weight (women are supposed to have hips, aren't we?). I stress about my hair (getting very grey, and I made an appt for a cut, and then my friend went and got her hair cut the same way I was going to, now what do I do?).

In my reading lately, about being present and in the moment, nonjudgemental, it says to stick with the facts. So here are the facts for me today:

• Yes, my bodyfat % is higher than I would like it right now, at 25%. So, eat right and work out. Stop eating 5lb bags of pretzels and leftover ice cream cake and potato salad.
• Yes, my child acts like a 3 year old - because she is a 3 three year old. Guide her, enjoy her, and let her be a child.
• I need a haircut. So what if my friend got the "cut" I wanted. It's the style.
• I will stop and breathe before reacting.

BREATHE TODAY

crazy

Feeling "not alone" is certainly the most important thing I need at this point in our family life. It is hard when you feel like your child is the only one acting up in the room. Our children get cranky and tired by 7:30pm, there are no late parties with friends. Sarah does need more "motivation" and encouragement and it can be exhausting!! Her eyes and attention wander like crazy and keeping her focused is sometimes a challenge.

Of course, it is all worth it and when someone wonderful tells me I am not alone it makes me feel alive - of course this is not all about me, it is about their growth and childhood, their own little personalities.

This week is a little crazy, my own Mom is having surgery, JR's 2nd Bday is on Wednesday, and then the family party is on Saturday. Lots of cleaning up and shopping to do. Of course Sarah wants to get him a gift on her own, so I need to steal away some time with her too. This is definately one of those weeks that I wish I had a cleaning lady.

As we arrived at Sarah's ballet class today, I pulled into the empty parking lot and realized something was wrong. The instructors are always there first. My friend and I pulled along side each other and saw the note on the door that they were closed for spring break. I called my other friend, to let her know not to pack the kids in the car, but she was already on her way, so we all decided to meet up at Dunkin Donuts across the street.

The kids ate their donuts and the mommys chatted it up. Why, though, is it my child that acts up? Why do I end up yelling and counting to 3 to get her to listen? I feel like I am always complaining about this part of my life, and I love my kids, I do. But why do my friends all have the "perfect" kids? Maybe I need to find some girlfriends with little animals of their own? Perhaps some kids that misbehave more than my own, to ease my own mind? That's sad.

After Dunkin Donuts we said our goodbyes and headed over to Wal Mart for a few things. Why do I do this? Why do I go out in public when I am not emotionally equipped to handle the consequences? It wasn't so bad and it actually got me to reframe my own thinking so that I could handle the situation a little better. And we all know a little "retail therapy" definately helps, even if it is on the clearance rack at Wal Mart.

But then, on the way home, the kids ready for a nap quieted down and I remembered something: that sweet baby smell. You know when they are so little and even when they are sweaty they just smell eatable. So I backtracked through some pics and looked at my little Sarah 3 years ago, when she smelled sweet and acted that way too. She is still that little girl I could hold forever, although now she won't let me. She is strong now, very independant. Smart, almost too smart, she knows the buttons to push and I think I am the one learning lessons here on how to handle temper and learning to be present.

Here's to you my sweet little girl. You may just be the gift I needed to work on those things about myself, like being overreactive or quick to anger. Together we'll make it through.

According to good ole Abe Lincoln "Most folks are about as happy as they make their mind up to be". Today I will remind myself (several times if need be) that happiness comes from within. Even when JR is bouncing the billiard table balls off the wall while I try to type and Sarah is grabbing my sweater asking 100 times when we are leaving. I will smile and be happy. Even when I feel like screaming and running out the door. I will be happy dammit.

So last night I was awakened by a bloodcurdling scream and a yelp for "Momma"! It was around 2 am (isn't it always) and I ran into my little boy's room to see what was up. He had kicked the blanket off, so he was a little cold and he had also dropped the binky out of the crib. I rocked him back to sleep, but he still seemed a little upset. We rocked for about 15 minutes when he picked up his little head, opened his sleepy eyes, smiled and said "Mater." For anyone who has seen the Disney movie "Cars", it is character from that movie. He then closed his eyes and put his head back down to sleep.

I put him back down in the crib but then he was back to crying again around 3am. I just picked him up and slept with him on the couch. I just really wonder at times, what are they dreaming about? I wish I knew what had upset him so much. As we lay on the couch in the early morning, I tried to wriggle out from under his sweaty body and I realized it wasn't sweat. Yeah, he peed all over me. So, another precious moment ends in some sort of bodily waste.

thanks

Gratitude is one of those things that I try to teach my children, but have to really work at myself. Fighting what is happening in the moment seems to be my way to go. Not my favorite way to go, but my reactional way. I am trying to stop and enjoy it all a little more. The truth is, I really don't care about the dust bunnies or piled up laundry until I worry about what someone else might think. I think I tend to yell a little more at the kids and try to "reel them in" when we are out, because I am afraid of what others will think of me, their mother.

It is strange to take "everyone" else out of the equation and just go with my gut. It feels lighter and more authentic. I love to see my kids run around crazy, no inhibitions. I love to see them dig in dirt (even if it's a beautifully planted flower pot) and take in all they see with new eyes. The truth is I want to dig in the dirt and run around. That freedom, not thinking about anything but the present moment. I keep taking it all so seriously, being home, keeping house. Really, I'm here to explore with them.

light

Wake up and smell the day.
Do not think of the sunset,
the end of this time's light.

Reach into your soul and
grab the core,
the reason for which you
are here.

Run with it and shine
that light upon all you see.
Waste no more time wondering
what if or too late.

the "not so super" market

I just put the kids in for a nap, and although it is a little earlier than normal, I am enjoying the quiet.


This morning we ventured out to do some food shopping before Sarah had ballet class and early enough that the store wouldn't be crowded. Well, her "listening ears" were apparantly left home, because all the yelling I did was not enough. She ran, she stomped, she knocked things off the shelves, she pulled things off deli cases that I don't think were supposed to come apart. I threatened her with not going to ballet, no change in her attitude. Then when we got home, she went to find her ballet shoes, "No, we are not going today, you did not earn the privilege". The tantrum that ensued was monstrous, and although it would have been much easier to just take her to class, I knew that it would not be a lesson learned. So Momma needed to quick change her attitude, explain again why we were not going and let little Sarah deal with the consequences.

There are times I am prepared for those meltdown moments (the kids, not mine). That's when I can pull a toy or crayon or something magical out of my bag and change the direction of whatever is happening. No screaming or yelling, no threats. This was not today. Then there are times, like this morning, when I am trying to order cold cuts, contain both kids, and make sure that the supermarket stays in one piece. You know how we sware we won't be like out parents and be more understanding, blah blah blah.. Sorry Mom, you're awesome, but I remember how I looked at you when you were yelling and what I thought was "mean". Now, I'm the lunatic.

Oh, and you can always tell who the people are in the store who's children are all grown up, you know, the ones that see your child acting up and they just smile, that smile of "Ha ha, it's YOUR turn now."

momma's job

It rings true that you can never fully appreciate someone until you have walked in their shoes, whether they be Wal-Mart or Nordrom's. Being home with two toddlers I endlessly wonder how the heck my own Mom did it with 6 of us (three of them being toddlers at the same time!) I complain about my lack of goals and motivation, my own self pity for not feeling like I am "accomplishing" something greater than myself. Then, I need to put down the chocolate bar with almonds and realize that I am doing something now, something that in the future my kids will appreciate only when they have their own kids. sucks, huh? I sort of dig the "make-me-feel-good-now-approach", but I guess 30 years from now will have to do.

My friends and I get on the phone and complain, we feel unappreciated and really need to have our hair colored for real, not at midnight when we are too tired to really read the directions folded up in the box from Walgreens. We all complain that our husbands don't understand, but I think they really do, that's why they always have to work, run to Home Depot, or go put gas in the car, or something, anything out of the house. If they would just admit that we (the loving wives and mothers of their evil offspring), have the hardest job in the universe, we might, might, just shave our legs and cook a dinner that does not include hot dogs or orange macaroni.

And no, I truly don't think that my children are the spawn of the devil, I guess I never understood that real love was for those that can get on your last nerve and dance a jig the whole time. I also didn't know that quietly sitting on the couch at the end of the day with that tired little jig dancer snuggled up to you, his hair smelling like the sand box and hers smelling like Play-Doh, is truly the best feeling in the world.